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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Solo Parent’

99 replies

babynme · 12/08/2023 01:49

So I am a ‘solo parent’. Baby’s dad is not involved, I’m doing it all on my own. Solo. I don’t hate it (I did at the start) but it’s my reality, I’ve found what works for me so I just get on with it now.

It’s really starting to grind my gears now that I see a lot of tik tokers / influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work. Is it just me? I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say, but most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrongly.

please tell me if I’m overreacting by being peeved by this 🤣

OP posts:
Popsicle42 · 12/08/2023 05:47

Savemyusernamenow · 12/08/2023 02:50

Lone parent - completely alone. No co parenting

Single parent - other parent involvement variable. Could be co parenting, could be completely alone.

Solo parent - in a relationship / marriage with other parent. Caring for DC alone for a short period of time.

This is my understanding too.

InstaThrowaway · 12/08/2023 06:01

Savemyusernamenow · 12/08/2023 02:50

Lone parent - completely alone. No co parenting

Single parent - other parent involvement variable. Could be co parenting, could be completely alone.

Solo parent - in a relationship / marriage with other parent. Caring for DC alone for a short period of time.

I think I’m more inclined to agree with these definitions. I’m not sure what you would have me say OP? Instead of ‘solo parenting for a few days?’ - I’m not saying ‘I’m a single mum for a few days?’, that would be taking the P! I know I don’t have it anything like a single parent and I don’t claim to know what that’s like! in fact I’ve only ever seen the term ‘solo parenting’ used by people who are with the baby’s other parent but that parent is absent for a short and finite amount of time, usually for work or whatever.

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 06:59

influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work

I would assume they didn't want to use the phrase single parent, and I would probably use the term lone parent to describe what you're calling a solo parent. Which isn't to say I'm right, just that I can see why they think solo parenting is the right wording to use.

Mouse82 · 12/08/2023 07:25

As a sole parent myself, i'm not about to gatekeep what term other parents wish to call themselves. It's not my place.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 12/08/2023 07:28

HappyValleyFan1 · 12/08/2023 05:29

Agree!

Show quote history

Yep. DH is away for a week next week and I've said I'll by flying solo. I'm not claiming to be the equivalent of a lone parent.

KajsaKavat · 12/08/2023 07:31

I have noticed a lot of half and half parents call themselves single parents which annoy me more.
there should be a term for true solo parents with no family nearby to help imho, lol.
I don’t think it’s wrong to say “im solo parenting for a few days” though, coz they are but obviously they don’t have a clue.

Whataretheodds · 12/08/2023 07:31

You could message and tell them how it makes you feel. Ive seen plenty of blue tick accounts change the way they talk about things based on follower feedback. Or you could unfilled.
Or you could ignore. I think most people understand that it's not the same as what you do.

StressedToDeathhhh · 12/08/2023 07:37

I agree with @Savemyusernamenow. And coparents are when they're both fully involved and working together but not as a couple. So my kids dad sees them twice a month, pays bare minimum child support, doesnt help or support us in any way and has never had them overnight. But I'm not a lone parent cos he is around occasionally. I certainly dont have a coparent. I'm a single parent and am solo parenting 99.9% of the time 🤣

Mummyboy1 · 12/08/2023 07:41

Actually your term of Solo parent is correct, OP. I'm a solo parent by choice, and it's a term that is very much used by others. It's generally preferred against single parent.

Workquestion11 · 12/08/2023 07:44

Savemyusernamenow · 12/08/2023 02:50

Lone parent - completely alone. No co parenting

Single parent - other parent involvement variable. Could be co parenting, could be completely alone.

Solo parent - in a relationship / marriage with other parent. Caring for DC alone for a short period of time.

I agree with this

SunRainStorm · 12/08/2023 07:46

OrangeySnicket · 12/08/2023 02:00

You're a single parent, they're doing solo parenting for a bit.

It's not solo parenting if you have the benefit of his income and someone to make decisions with.

Not the same thing at all.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 12/08/2023 08:04

fullbloom87 · 12/08/2023 02:02

I hate the phrase solo parenting.
I'm not a 'solo' parent but my husband is absolutely useless and is a workaholic so it's always been me that's raised them and did everything. Besides coming in and watching the tele he's really done nothing that's hands on or helpful, if anything he's got in the way.
I think the types who use this phrase are the 2 ft working parents who aren't used to full on days with just them and their kids, because the weekends it's usually equally shared parental duties.

But he is still there to call in an emergency. And that’s the difference if you are solo parenting there is no back up. Although you consider your husband useless him being there or being able to be there makes all the difference.

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/08/2023 08:05

Savemyusernamenow · 12/08/2023 02:50

Lone parent - completely alone. No co parenting

Single parent - other parent involvement variable. Could be co parenting, could be completely alone.

Solo parent - in a relationship / marriage with other parent. Caring for DC alone for a short period of time.

I agree with this. The word solo means to do something on your own or unaccompanied. It applies to many activities. He flew solo around the world, she debuted her solo album, I love the guitar solo or drum solo in a particular song etc.

And it applies to parenting too. Any parent. I don’t think it solely applies to your parenting status as a lone parent or a sole parent.

Solo is an adjective, adverb, noun and verb depending upon its usage.

And while language can change with the passage of time, I really don’t think it should change arbitrarily by one group of people. It just creates misunderstandings, confusion and resentments.

So, I voted yabu. Those parents saying that they are solo parenting for a few days are correct. They are not wrong. They are allowed to use the word solo because it is not exclusive to only parents who are lone parents.

And by saying that they are solo parenting for a few days they are not claiming to be a lone or sole parent.

I wonder if solo parent has become confused with sole parent.

Devilinthedeet · 12/08/2023 08:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 08:08

OrangeySnicket · 12/08/2023 02:00

You're a single parent, they're doing solo parenting for a bit.

This

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 08:09

Mummyboy1 · 12/08/2023 07:41

Actually your term of Solo parent is correct, OP. I'm a solo parent by choice, and it's a term that is very much used by others. It's generally preferred against single parent.

I think solo parenting is very frequently used to describe a parent doing some parenting on their own. For example threads on here about useless husbands/fathers, where someone will say "they never do any solo parenting" or someone will ask "does he ever do any solo parenting" etc. I think it's used for both meanings.

If someone said "I'm a solo parent" I'd assume they meant the same as someone who said "I'm a lone parent"
If someone said "I'm solo parenting this weekend" I'd assume they had a partner who was away that weekend.
If someone said "I'm being a single parent this weekend" I'd think they were an idiot, because unlike solo parenting, "single parent" isn't used in this way.

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 08:10

I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say
That's exactly what you're doing

But most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrong so someone has said they are struggling with parenting and your response is to say "I've got it harder"? It's not a competition

Hufflepods · 12/08/2023 08:10

influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work

If they have their children on their own for a period of time how else would you like them to describe it?

You are a lone single parent. Someone who is parenting alone for a few days is solo parenting.

It’s really nothing to get upset over. A mum doesn’t need to acknowledge that lone parents do it all the time when they have to solo parent for a weekend or whatever.

Basketballqueen · 12/08/2023 08:11

You’re a single mum, so saying that will probably gain you more sympathy.
DW travels a lot, in those times I am parenting ‘solo’ and say so.
there’s a differenceC and you’d probably be less annoyed if you stopped saying ‘solo’ …

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 08:12

If someone's partner works away for weeks at a time they want a term to describe that. Solo parenting works, I guess technically there are two parents but one parent has been left on their own to get on with it for a bit.

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 08:20

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 08:12

If someone's partner works away for weeks at a time they want a term to describe that. Solo parenting works, I guess technically there are two parents but one parent has been left on their own to get on with it for a bit.

Yes, OP what term would you use to describe someone whose partner works away like this, or has gone away for a while as a one off? There's no reason they should have to describe it "my partner works away" "my partner is on a trip" rather than having a term to include everyone in a similar situation.

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/08/2023 08:23

Out of interest I googled definition of solo parent and it came up with a few different definitions. One definition was that it means being a single parent, divorced or widowed. Another definition was you are in a relationship but looking after or taking sole responsibility of the children for a period of time. Another definition was being a parent who had no input or shared responsibility from the other parent. Which is how you define it Op.

So, don’t get upset. Just accept that it is a term that has more than one definition.

In Australia in legal matters how you describe your situation is called sole parent. And it is a parent who has sole responsibility of their child/ren.

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2023 08:28

or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’

Especially about this part - YABU.

You cannot gatekeep all terms that describe doing things on your own and say they can only apply when it is all the time. Lone parent describes what you are talking about. There is nothing wrong with expressing that you are parenting alone for a few days, people should be able to talk about that.

It's fine to have one term (and I'd say that is lone parent) that specifically refers to people such as yourself, but expecting all words in the English language that means doing something alone, when it is perfectly possible to do something alone temporarily, to only apply in your case is daft.

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2023 08:30

And the reason people don't just say "my partner is away" is that they are trying to specifically discuss the concept of parenting being more challenging without their partner there.

CrabbyCat · 12/08/2023 08:33

DH goes away for week long business trips. With me working during the day and the time difference he is generally not available to actually talk to as he's asleep in the mornings and working in the evenings. Neither of us has any local family, so I don't have any support I can pull on there.

It's usually a very difficult week for me, largely because it's a routine change for the DC and they are unsettled as a consequence.

I definitely feel like I need a way to describe what I'm doing for the week as it's certainly not a normal week, and I'd 'solo parenting' (definitely not single or lone) which is how people around me use the term.

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