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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband stormed off

77 replies

Eeett1 · 11/08/2023 17:16

Husband just stormed off as I told him I’m upset we’re not intimate anymore. He said it’s my fault as I fight everyday with him. For context I don’t fight everyday, I just get upset sometimes as he’s so cold and unloving with me. He’s not a sexual person at all. We only had sex to have children.

Once youngest was conceived 5 years ago we stopped. I just feel so rejected by him. I can tell you last time we had sex as it was the day I got a positive pregnancy test so since then he’s never tried. I’ve tried but he laughs and just walks away. I just feel my only role was to give him children and now my job is done.

I get upset every morning as I imagined cuddling up with my husband watching tv and holding hands etc. but none of this has happened. I’m just saying this for context and not a boast but I am attractive and slim. I don’t want to leave him for religious reasons. I will never divorce him and I cannot imagine being with another man. I feel so lost and lonely. I would like to have sex again. I’m in my late 30’s

OP posts:
aloris · 11/08/2023 18:20

He's not religious but you are? I'm trying to understand your situation.

RaininSummer · 11/08/2023 18:21

He doesn't sound devout if that's the sort of message he sends women. You only have one life so far as we no. Don't waste it with him.

Mirabai · 11/08/2023 18:23

If he’s asking to lick women out he’s not gay, gay men would run a mile to avoid coming face to face with a vagina. It’s possible that he’s bi but there’s no evidence of sexual interest in men. There is evidence, however, that he is getting sex with women elsewhere.

Mirabai · 11/08/2023 18:24

He’s not religious at all OP says, so it’s not that.

AdoraBell · 11/08/2023 18:25

Have you told him that the lack of affection is a problem for you? How does he react with other things you two don’t agree on?

C1N1C · 11/08/2023 18:25

Eeett1 · 11/08/2023 18:07

Does anyone think what he’s saying could have some truth - in that he doesn’t want to be intimate as I fight with him?

It could be... the thing is, if this were a man saying this, you'd be barraged with comments like "he's being pushy, you have to be in the mood for sex and if he's always having a go at you, of course you're not going to be"

He doesn't sound like a nice guy, but if you want to make things work, just talk to him. Lay in bed and just snuggle, come to his side, explore, fondle...

If he's not interested, he's either hanging onto the hate, and that probably won't disappear. The slightest frustration with him on your part and he'll revert back to hating you, which means you'll either end up always treading on eggshells with him and never be able to speak your mind, or you'll just end up utterly contemptuous.

DPotter · 11/08/2023 18:26

As your faith is important to you, have you discussed this with your priest / imam / pastor ?

There's living in a relationship without sex and there's living in a failed relationship. Yours's sounds like the later.

You don't have to divorce, but you can separate. The timing may not be perfect as far as house. mortgage etc, but you could come up with a plan and a timescale. You both obviously unhappy you would be doing each other a service to separate. Whether you then choose to have sex with others is up to you.

Original poster
Eeett1 · 11/08/2023 18:27

He’s not interested in discussing anything that’s why he stormed off. When he does very occasionally listen he says it’s my fault as I fight with him. But the times I have fought with him is when I’m trying to talk about my feelings but he ignores me and goes on his phone or zoned out in front of tv

OP posts:
Original poster
Eeett1 · 11/08/2023 18:28

He’s not the type to talk about things. He just seems disinterested it’s easier for him just to continue than the hassle of divorcing it seems

OP posts:
AngelAurora · 11/08/2023 18:30

Why are you with him? Clearly does not feel the same about you. Stop wasting your life away with someone like him OP, start living and get rid of your deadwood.

AngelAurora · 11/08/2023 18:33

Eeett1 · 11/08/2023 17:30

I thought he might be gay too but I found emails over the years that’s he’s sent to women. These were random women and not women he knew as he was trying to meet them for sec but from the looks of it they ignored him. He replied to an add for someone looking for work that he will give her designer bags if she lets him lick her out, I feel disgusted that he will happily have sec with strangers but not his own wife. He works in a demanding long hours work so this is his only way it seems to meet women.

More fool you for staying. I don't give a toss what religion you are, no one deserves to be treat like this. You know yourself it's not right, please leave OP, surely bringing your children up in a happy environment with positive role models has got to be better than this.

doodleZ1 · 11/08/2023 18:45

OP your youngest is 5 and you have never had sex since then. I dont think you have been at odds with him for 5 years. So that excuse hes giving doesnt hold up. Is he the same age as you ie late 30s and how many children do you have? Hopefully not too many as it makes leaving him more complicated. Communication between you has broken down and you are entitled to a partner that is willing to talk through these things. He is being very unfair

crazeekat · 11/08/2023 18:51

try and find in your book of religion the part that says woman are just there to spawn kids and then are be be given no physical or emotional love afterwards.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 18:51

Do you want your child growing up thinking this is what a normal relationship looks like?

crazeekat · 11/08/2023 18:56

he is also a perv and there's no religion that states u have to stay married to one of these. find your self respect. he doesn't give a shit about you. you seem very detached by his messages to others. i wouldn't want to have sec with him again if i read messages like that to other women. you have to make a choice. get this man out your life and get another that respects you and your needs. there are plenty around. or. put up with a creepy hubby, adulterous behaviour and a loveless marriage.

crazeekat · 11/08/2023 18:58

Eeett1 · 11/08/2023 18:07

Does anyone think what he’s saying could have some truth - in that he doesn’t want to be intimate as I fight with him?

absolutely not. he is emotionally abusing you and gaslighting you. he doesn't actually give a toss about you. pick a lovely day, do everything you can for him, everything he likes and he still won't have sex with you. he is a liar.

Hawkins009 · 11/08/2023 18:58

It's certainly odd op

Couldyounot · 11/08/2023 18:59

He replied to an add for someone looking for work that he will give her designer bags if she lets him lick her out

If he's sending stuff like that to people he deserves to be on some sort of register. That's appalling. Do you really want sex with someone who behaves like that?

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 11/08/2023 19:04

Why is it always on here that the first diagnosis offered when discussing the issue of a man with zero libido is that he must be gay?

honeybonbon · 11/08/2023 19:07

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

mealtickett · 11/08/2023 19:25

This is easy, stop fighting him as you/ he put it for ONE month and see if sex returns. I am sure you can manage a month of biting your tongue. Let's then see IF sex returns. If it doesn't, that will be your answer.

There are unfortunately many asexual people about who are not (necessarily) gay. I have heard of many men who would put up with whatever is annoying them about their slim and attractive OH just so they can have their sex. Something regarding sex for him is wrong. He is just wanting to blame you. Do the one month no fighting and come back to report. Good luck.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2023 19:29

There’s no god who wants you to be miserable.

fullbloom87 · 11/08/2023 19:34

Sorry op but he's either gay or is having sex with other people. This isn't normal. You need to leave. God wants you to be happy believe me.

Frankenpug23 · 11/08/2023 19:37

Eeett1 · 11/08/2023 18:07

Does anyone think what he’s saying could have some truth - in that he doesn’t want to be intimate as I fight with him?

No, not at all - he’s a lying idiot!

BMW6 · 11/08/2023 19:45

OK bottom line for your sake.

He doesn't love you.
He doesn't care about your feelings.
He doesn't fancy you.
He doesn't want to have sex with you.
He wants to perform oral sex on other women.

Did his marriage vows include loving and honouring you, worshipping you with his body?
If he did, he's broken his marriage vows.

Your marriage is no marriage at all. No loving God would demand you stay in this loveless farce.

Stop trying to make him feel things he doesn't.

Get out of this desperately unhappy situation.