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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent has fell out with DC

83 replies

PirateCity · 11/08/2023 14:44

DC is 2.5 and is under investigation for SEN. Recently they wont speak to one of their grandparents (nothing has happened between them). Grandparent has now cancelled upcoming visit as says no point coming if DC is going to cry when they see them. We were all due to go to Spain next year and that is also being cancelled. They are done with DC and dont wont to know them anymore as they say DC is being rude. AIBU if I go no contact with grandparent because of how they are treating DC? Family say I am because they are saying DC caused it. I am honestly baffled as they are adults in their late 60s and DC is 2.5!

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 11/08/2023 16:01

Isn't that pretty normal though for a 2 5 year old? It wasn't my experience but isn't it rather common at that age? Grandparents sound batshit

Bivarb · 11/08/2023 16:05

Just keep repeating "he/she's 2" with a confused/slightly amused tone. "Who's the toddler here?". Joke to everyone about them falling out with a 2 year old. Maybe you'll embarrass them enough to rethink their actions.

If not then just enjoy the silence. They won't visit or go on holiday with you? Oh well! Peace and quiet for you (as much as a 2 year old will allow!). Don't engage with them, you can't argue with stupid.

I'd take a step back. Isn't your family or your partner's? If it's your partner's then just let him handle them and back right off.

Yetanothernewname101 · 11/08/2023 16:11

Even without the SEN investigations, your child is 2.5! There's a reason we say 'terrible twos'.
Being shy and not wanting to speak, and crying for no apparent reason aren't unusual in a toddler.
I hope your parents come around and realise that your child is a little human with lots of development and growing going on. If not, it is very much their loss.

Original poster
PirateCity · 11/08/2023 16:14

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have cried a lot over this situation as I just don't understand the rejection of DC. Going to try and put as many answers to questions in here as I can

-Sadly it is not a fake post or a joke, I wish it was!
-Grandparent is late 60s
-Other family are only agreeing as grandparent "rules the roost"
-DC sees them every 2-3 months and has issues with anxiety and shyness as do many toddlers. DC warms up to them later in the trip. Then the cycle repeats.
-Im not giving DC authority over NC, it is grandparent who has decided they want nothing to do with DC over this. No pictures, no facetime, no visits, no gifts. Basically DC is non-existant at the moment. The NC came into question because I think if they have treated DC like this then they shouldnt be anywhere near DC in the future
-Yes I have tried many times to facilitate DC being friendly with them, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt.
-Grandparent has never accepted idea of SEN, doesnt want DC tested, thinks DC just needs to "behave normal"
-Yes grandparent is stressed at the moment about other things

OP posts:
GG1986 · 11/08/2023 16:14

No way would I allow my parents or mil to treat my child like that so I would go no contact, its their loss.

Wimble2468 · 11/08/2023 16:20

This is genuinely awful and says so much about the grandparent, I would assume they don't 'believe in' SEN and think it's a new thing made up 🙄

I don't see my three year old niece often, every few weeks and so when I see her she's often shy to start with and quite honestly looks at me with disgust when I talk to her! But she relaxes and will then play and talk with me I would never feel upset or angry about this!!

Maray1967 · 11/08/2023 16:27

Same here - or at least a teen, but in that case I would still expect GPS to understand teen behaviour.

I am astounded to read that a GP is behaving like this over a two year old!!

MeadAndPie · 11/08/2023 16:29

DC sees them every 2-3 months and has issues with anxiety and shyness as do many toddlers. DC warms up to them later in the trip. Then the cycle repeats.

IME this is fairly typical behavior with that sort of time lag between seeing an adult.

Time perceptions vary with age and at 2.5 a week a long time still while to 60 year old GP 2 months probably seems very quick - we did have to occasionally remind our parents of this.

Honestly I take a huge step back - focus on other things - but keep door open to see if the GP is less stressed in future and better around child due to that or child being older- may not be with attitude towards SEN.

I do get why you are hurt as it's a rejection of your child - that always hurts.

Dibbydoos · 11/08/2023 16:31

UpaladderwatchingTV · 11/08/2023 14:50

I can hardly believe what I'm reading here OP. A Grandparent has fallen out with a child of 2 1/2 years of age? Personally I'd tell them to grow up and act their age! What a ridiculous situation, how can a child of that age possibly be 'being rude', they simply don't know what they're saying or doing at that age. I think in your shoes, I'd be telling the grandparent, to come back when they decide to act their age, but for the time being, they are being cruel and ridiculous, and you don't want your poor baby to have any further contact with them!!

@PirateCity this advice is spot on. Wtf!

CaptainMyCaptain · 11/08/2023 16:31

jods19 · 11/08/2023 15:50

Absolutely not!!! They need to be more understanding of what he's going through, if he has special needs then they need to figure out what triggers him and help him out!!!!
Do what's best for him!

But I must say that all grandparents are so old fashion.. there was none of this back in their days so they probably don't even have a good understanding of what's going on properly..

I.e this is a different situation but my brother came out as gay a couple of years ago, he had a boyfriend for 11 months then broke up.. my grandad asked does this mean he's straight now 🤣🤣 but they wasn't raised back in their days of the understanding of all the unique children/adults and for everything we know and understand now.
Maybe give contact a break and then gradually build up the relationship again

But I must say that all grandparents are so old fashion.. there was none of this back in their days so they probably don't even have a good understanding of what's going on properly..

That's a very sweeping statement and absolutely not true. We are not dinosaurs and, believe it or not some of us are still working as teachers even teachers of children with SEN. I have retired but was still working when my grandchildren were that age and have a very good understanding.

CaptainMyCaptain · 11/08/2023 16:32

I also have a grandson who is gay. Not a problem.

SallyWD · 11/08/2023 16:33

Absolutely ridiculous!! Can't believe an intelligent adult would behave like this. My DD used to cry and ignore my parents at that age but they just understood she was a tiny child who was a bit confused and tearful. Now DD is nearly 13 and has a brilliant relationship with my parents and has done for many years. I'm sorry but they sound like idiots.

MightWriteNight · 11/08/2023 16:33

Yeah definitely go NC and when any family member brings it up loudly suggest grandparent be tested for dementia because surely mental decline is the only reason an adult would behave so childishly!

Marwoodsbigbreak · 11/08/2023 16:34

GP is a horrible person, but I guess you have really known this for a long time 😞

Keep your child away from these nasty fuckers.

EvilElsa · 11/08/2023 16:44

This is terrible, I'm sorry OP. I'd be going NC with them completely. My DS is 16 and has autism. He has times where he won't speak to people outside immediate family (me, DH and his sister) even though he is very close to his grandparents and aunt and cousins. He eventually warms up and becomes more comfortable the longer we are with them. Nobody bats an eyelid and he is just as loved as any other more vocal family member. Once he is comfortable and on a topic he's wild about its hard to shut him up! Because he has the unwavering support of his extended family who never question or push him he never gets upset and is allowed to join in at his own pace. It's sad that the grandparent in question here can't see this. Unfortunately even if this is resolved I can imagine they may have other issues with your SN child in the future (they sound the sort). Cut them off and live a peaceful life without their shit.

RudsyFarmer · 11/08/2023 17:01

GoodChat · 11/08/2023 15:22

If it’s the latter then d need to factor in the potential for neurovascular degeneration.

I knew that's what you were leading to say @RudsyFarmer. Some people are just dickheads. We don't always need a diagnosis.

And sometimes there’s something else going on. It’s really easy to name call when sometimes it’s a little more complex than that.

Sarfar45 · 11/08/2023 17:10

She's 2 😔 don't let them treat your child like that. Sounds like your daughters a good judge of character.

autienotnaughti · 11/08/2023 17:15

I can completely believe this. My ils really struggled with my son. He wouldn't cuddle anyone except me, his dad and siblings. He was none verbal and had a lot of meltdowns. They were also frequently saying "you just need to tell him" 🙄 he retreated more and more as they wouldn't respect his boundaries and subsequently we visited less. Thankfully things have improved and he will involve them in his interests and give an occasional hug. After diagnosis they did accept he has asd but haven't really taken on board what we say or done any reading themselves. Thankfully they have mostly stopped giving advice.

But deciding not to be in the child's life is abhorrent. I would go nc . Your child doesn't need people who don't love him for him.

momonpurpose · 11/08/2023 17:19

MightWriteNight · 11/08/2023 16:33

Yeah definitely go NC and when any family member brings it up loudly suggest grandparent be tested for dementia because surely mental decline is the only reason an adult would behave so childishly!

Yes! I love this idea!

tedgran · 11/08/2023 17:29

"Grandparents are so old fashioned " what a sweeping statement! My DH (85),and I (75,) have five grandchildren between us, we know full well that small children sometimes don't want to engage with us.

sadsack78 · 11/08/2023 17:36

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this additional stress, OP.

Any adult capable of 'falling out' with a two year old needs their head checked. So ridiculous.

It sounds like you might be better off without these people and their nonsense.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 11/08/2023 17:38

I'd have to ask gp if they have totally lost the plot or going senile due to such stupid behaviour on their part. Either way it would be enough to cut the idiots out of my life. Some families are total shit.

Twilight7777 · 11/08/2023 17:39

You say nothing has been done to the dc to cause the upset, but the dc staying quiet when the GP was around speaks volumes, and suggests they did do something.

RosieS22 · 11/08/2023 17:43

Sorry you're dealing with this but sounds like a blessing in disguise.
If other adult family members are happy to side with GP because they 'rule the roost', even though they are clearly in the wrong, something is not right there. Sounds like a VERY manipulative person and narcissistic.
Children are very intuitive. Your DC has a vibe about GP and is understandably wary.
Keep well away if I were you, your child doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Especially at age 2.5!!! 🤯

dearJayne · 11/08/2023 17:51

Dd took a dislike to fil and it was hard work but she's fine with him now. She also has asd.

He never ever refused to come or cut her off because of her behaviour. He would never ever do that. That's awful. I would go through someone for that.