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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect people to do things together on holiday?

82 replies

Pineapples198 · 11/08/2023 13:26

I’m currently away with my DH, 2 DS’s and my parents in law. It’s been lovely but a hard week. I would expect that the 6 of us do things together. It seems we make a plan, go to do said plan and people wander off in all directions. We can’t even walk through the village without people going in 3 directions and end up waiting about or trying to find people. One day everyone wanted an afternoon in the house except me. I said ok we’ll stay in. Parents in law then went for a walk by themselves and DH went to sleep for 2 + hours leaving me on my own with the kids all afternoon. Today we decided to do a beach day. It rained for like 2 minutes and parents in law left the beach and didn’t come back. To be “helpful” they took most of the beach toys up with them. DH then said he ought to go and check his parents had remembered to get themselves some lunch (??) so left me on my own with the kids again. When I asked him to stay he said you know I don’t like the beach anyway. I said we’ve barely been on it all week so I don’t know why we bothered booking a beach holiday. Husband was like “well you and the kids can go on the beach if you want!”. Similar story most days tbh. We will be out as a group and then DH and FIL will disappear into a museum leaving me with the kids and MIL (who has dementia).
If I say something like I really want is to all go on the beach together or just stay together my husband just shrugs and says “we can all just do what we want!” However this doesn’t work for me as while others go elsewhere I need to do what the kids want to do. I wouldn’t dream of just wandering off so inevitably I get left til last and it’s assumed the kids will always be with me. My parents in law have largely ignored the children most of the week except to shush them and haven’t played with them at all. On the beach they just sit or go for a walk by themselves only to go back to the house after an hour.

AIBU to think that I’m getting the short end of the stick here? Maybe I should just take myself off and away and do what I what to do but I don’t want to leave other people in the lurch either!

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 13:29

Your issue here is your dh seems to not want to do any parenting! Any excuse to be away from his kids.

Go now, get your shoes on, and say "I'm off for a walk, see you all at Dinner"

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 13:30

I think YABU, it's everyone's holiday and they should be able to spend it how they like. Of course this is hard when you're a parent but it's also not up to your PIL to entertain your kids!

GiveItAWobble · 11/08/2023 13:30

Issue is your DH not your PIL

Twoleftlegs · 11/08/2023 13:31

If you can all do what you want, i’d be taking yourself out for a walk or booking into a spa for the day.

your DH is shirking parenting and avoiding ever having charge of the kids. That’s the issue.

Humidititties · 11/08/2023 13:31

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 13:30

I think YABU, it's everyone's holiday and they should be able to spend it how they like. Of course this is hard when you're a parent but it's also not up to your PIL to entertain your kids!

OP is the only one entertaining the kids, the father hasn't bothered. OP is not being unreasonable

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 13:32

That's something OP needs to bring up with her DH. I was responding to the bit about her PIL.

StrangersGathering · 11/08/2023 13:33

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/08/2023 13:29

Your issue here is your dh seems to not want to do any parenting! Any excuse to be away from his kids.

Go now, get your shoes on, and say "I'm off for a walk, see you all at Dinner"

Exactly.

Beautifulsunflowers · 11/08/2023 13:37

Agree with pp. take yourself off for a couple of hours to relax with a cocktail/go for walk/ swim or whatever but a holiday is for everyone and you also need some time to relax.

Charrington · 11/08/2023 13:41

I think you need to clarify the issue or you’ll end up arguing with all of them when the actual problem is your dh treating you as the default parent / nanny

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 11/08/2023 13:48

DH needs a kick up the arse and to look after his own kids.You need to put your foot down and go out, do something you want to do. Make a mental note, last time we do this sort of holiday, if dh is that bothered about his parents he can care for them as they age too.

FinallyHere · 11/08/2023 14:52

DH then said he ought to go and check his parents had remembered to get themselves some lunch (??) so left me on my own with the kids again.

Goodness. Where do it start with this one.

PauliesWalnuts · 11/08/2023 14:59

To be honest, I'd be one of the "we'll do our own thing" people (which is why I go away on my own!). I find it hard doing group stuff as what they want to do is usually not what I want to do - it all feels very stage-managed.

What you want is not a bad thing - and is possibly down to personalities. I have an allotment partner who will absolutely not go on her own - she has to be with me there as she thrives on company - whereas I'm an introvert and although I'll do days with her, I also love pottering about on there on my own.

Maybe if you do it again you have a discussion before you go about what people would like to do together and what people wanted to do on their own. I remember a family holiday where people huffed that I'd disappeared to a nearby town on my own, but I really wanted to see it and children in the group would have hated being dragged around a load of ancient Greek ruins in the heat.

LimeCheesecake · 11/08/2023 15:03

The problem isn’t that people want to different things, the problem is there are 4 adults on the holiday and 3 of them want to leave all the parenting to the 4th (you).

your DH is fine to do something else on holiday to you, but he must do half of the childcare. The default of you being with the dcs and the other adults having the option to join you or not is the problem.

Talk to your dh, he doesn’t get to wander off and do something else leaving you with the dcs.

TeenLifeMum · 11/08/2023 15:10

FinallyHere · 11/08/2023 14:52

DH then said he ought to go and check his parents had remembered to get themselves some lunch (??) so left me on my own with the kids again.

Goodness. Where do it start with this one.

We’re currently away with pil and yesterday had breakfast and ice cream for “lunch” then massive dinner. All discussed and planned. Mil late afternoon mentioned she was in pain. Turned out she’s on pain meds and needs to take with food so hadn’t taken the meds as we didn’t eat proper lunch… difference was dh’s reaction - his attitude is that they are adults and if they need to eat they can buy food (lots of options where we are for grab and go). It’s baffling.

Loopylune · 11/08/2023 15:12

Yabu people should be able to do what they want on hols but your dh is lazy if he’s not helping you out.

NoSquirrels · 11/08/2023 15:12

LimeCheesecake · 11/08/2023 15:03

The problem isn’t that people want to different things, the problem is there are 4 adults on the holiday and 3 of them want to leave all the parenting to the 4th (you).

Talk to your dh, he doesn’t get to wander off and do something else leaving you with the dcs.

Quite.

Your DH is the main issue. How old are your DC?

I doubt you can reasonably expect help from a MIL with dementia. Your DH has clearly been brought up by a ‘leave it to the women’ father, so your FIL is no use and your DH is reverting to type.

Doing things a bit separately is fine. Being stuck with the kids and childcare ALL the time is not.

BringOnSummerHolidays · 11/08/2023 15:14

Agree you have a DH problem. I’m relaxing in an adventure park currently, with DH taking the kids on all the slides. I don’t like that so I read a book or do mumsnet. We don’t all like the same thing and it’s important to split the duty of entertaining the kids.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 11/08/2023 15:17

Your DH needs to do his share with the kids but I don't have an issue with everyone doing there own thing.
We often split up on holiday so everyone gets to do what they want but I'm not left with the kids all the time.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 11/08/2023 15:21

YABU. It's not just your holiday though is it? It's everyone's. Just because those are your expectations/wants & needs doesn't mean everyone has else to do what you say. It sounds a bit controlling.

Holidays are meant to be relaxing, not so organised like that. Some people want alone time.

You also didn't need to stay in when everyone else wanted too. That would've been your perfect opportunity to have DH home with the kids and go and do something for yourself.

I suggest having a conversation with your DH, but this hasn't got anything to do with your PIL. Leave them to relax.

Sirzy · 11/08/2023 15:24

Your husband should be doing his share of the work with the children but other than that yabu.

everyone is still individuals and entitled to enjoy their holiday their way. Have set meeting points/times and maybe plan some activities together - meeting for a meal etc but don’t try to micromanage everyone.

TaigaSno · 11/08/2023 15:24

You're complaining about your parents in law not playing with the kids and spending time sitting/going for a walk? You say your MIL has dementia, and presumably they are both elderly. I think you have unreasonable expectations of what an older couple, one with dementia, can or wants to do on a holiday. Let them relax and enjoy the break in the way they want to!

Playing and entertaining the kids is your's and your husband's responsibility. It sounds as though you are doing the bulk of that, in which case it's your husband who is the problem here, not his parents.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 11/08/2023 15:24

You are married to a family dodger.

Marblessolveeverything · 11/08/2023 15:25

It's hard to say is your dh trying to spend some time with fil? Maybe they are having difficult conversations about Mil?

Either way you and dh need to split the time so you get quality time away from the children.

I wouldn't be pushing the everyone together element personally as that would my personal version of hell. When you have outgrown small child stage patience is very challenging.

NoSquirrels · 11/08/2023 15:29

You also didn't need to stay in when everyone else wanted too. That would've been your perfect opportunity to have DH home with the kids and go and do something for yourself.

Also this! Everyone else wanted to stay in but you didn’t want to - so you should have gone out. When they said they ‘wanted an afternoon in the house’ I think they meant ‘an afternoon with no plans’ - but you could’ve done what pleased you. Or gone for your own nap.

Cornishclio · 11/08/2023 15:36

I have realised multi generational holidays do not work without compromise either for elderly parents or small children. I have done it with both ends of the scale with my mum in her late 80s and my daughters and grandchildren. It is the definition of hell as no one wants to do exactly the same things. Either go for one or the other. So we have had a nice relaxing few days with my mum at a hotel where everything is done for you or a very full on busy week at Centre Parcs with the grandchildren.

The problem for you is you have no support from PIL or your DH. So doing the same things won't work anyway so I would give up on that idea and given your DH seems to have dodged parenting on this holiday take yourself off for a half day to do something you want to do. It seems unrealistic to expect help from your PIL given your MIL has dementia but your DH could certainly help more.

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