AIBU to expect people to do things together on holiday?

[Pineapples198]

I’m currently away with my DH, 2 DS’s and my parents in law. It’s been lovely but a hard week. I would expect that the 6 of us do things together. It seems we make a plan, go to do said plan and people wander off in all directions. We can’t even walk through the village without people going in 3 directions and end up waiting about or trying to find people. One day everyone wanted an afternoon in the house except me. I said ok we’ll stay in. Parents in law then went for a walk by themselves and DH went to sleep for 2 + hours leaving me on my own with the kids all afternoon. Today we decided to do a beach day. It rained for like 2 minutes and parents in law left the beach and didn’t come back. To be “helpful” they took most of the beach toys up with them. DH then said he ought to go and check his parents had remembered to get themselves some lunch (??) so left me on my own with the kids again. When I asked him to stay he said you know I don’t like the beach anyway. I said we’ve barely been on it all week so I don’t know why we bothered booking a beach holiday. Husband was like “well you and the kids can go on the beach if you want!”. Similar story most days tbh. We will be out as a group and then DH and FIL will disappear into a museum leaving me with the kids and MIL (who has dementia).
If I say something like I really want is to all go on the beach together or just stay together my husband just shrugs and says “we can all just do what we want!” However this doesn’t work for me as while others go elsewhere I need to do what the kids want to do. I wouldn’t dream of just wandering off so inevitably I get left til last and it’s assumed the kids will always be with me. My parents in law have largely ignored the children most of the week except to shush them and haven’t played with them at all. On the beach they just sit or go for a walk by themselves only to go back to the house after an hour.

AIBU to think that I’m getting the short end of the stick here? Maybe I should just take myself off and away and do what I what to do but I don’t want to leave other people in the lurch either!

YABU I like some time alone or with just my kids on family holidays. Butt agree, I cannot fucking bare the make a plan, agree a plan, then the next minute people are like ‘what are we doing?’ and splitting off etc. Why make a plan then?? Stick to the plan or be upfront that you’d rather some quiet time. Argh!

Currently driving to a family holiday with the least-annoying side of the family 😂
people will ask why if I hate these holidays so much: life is not black and white. The kids love it. The grandparents pay and schedule it when we all can make it, so no excuse not to go. And a change of scene. We don’t go with the most annoying side, absolutely not, I would spend it crying.

This sounds tough for you. The everyone suits themselves philosophy is all well and good, but it leaves you stuck. I think this issue is the dynamic. You and dh can't do anything together without the kids if your mil has dementia. You don't want to go off with your MIL as you'll still be a carer. You probably wouldn't want to go off with your fil as it's a different dynamic. Just make the most of this holiday, tell your dh he needs to stop going off and spend more time with you and dc. Don't go on holiday with your in laws again.

I asked him to help one night but MIL shushed me and said he’s talking to his dad.

Ooooooh this would boil my blood. That would not fly if I was there. Find your voice and leave her to it 😄

The PILs have no responsibility to look after/entertain your children, and to expect them to do so (especially since MIL has dementia, and FIL presumably has his hands full looking out for her) is quite entitled.

Your DH should be doing his fair share of child/elder care on this holiday. it's not unreasonable to think he might do a bit less with the DC if he's also looking out for his DPs given the situation, but he can't just entirely opt out of childcare, nor can DFIL just entirely opt out of caring for MIL with dementia.

But it is, obviously, unreasonable to expect everyone to do everything together.

Have a chat with DH, work out when each of you will be caring for DC, caring for DMIL and having time to yourself. The sum of "caring" time should be equal for both of you (even if it is a different ratio of childcare and eldercare), and the sum of "time for yourself" should be equal for both of you. DFIL should also expect to do the majority of the looking out for DMIL, but with DH helping out on some days so DFIL also has a break.

DH and FIL didn’t know she had left

Your husband is a terrible father.

This is so unfair on you and in my view it’s not just a DH problem (although that’s the main thing). I would also feel hurt in a more general sense that there doesn’t seem to be much motivation to spend a family holiday together, as a family (or in little smaller groups that reconfigure throughout your the week so that everyone gets to spend time with everyone else doing different things - for example why can’t DH and FIL have fun with kids while you attend to MIL; or why can’t PILs keep an eye on kids safely at home while you and DH have a walk; or whatever).

It sounds like a family holiday without much of a family bond or atmosphere.

I would “ wander off” somewhere tomorrow and leave them all to it!

You have a massive DH problem. Your PIL can really do what they want, they certainly don't need to do whatever you're doing all the time. If you find them annoying, maybe don't go on holiday with them again though. Your DH is a different issue entirely, you're quite right to be very pissed off with him. Tell him that if he is going to just go off and leave you to deal with the kids, you get to do the same, or you're going places where you can book them into kids clubs so you both get to do that.

@5foot5 Oh yes certainly multi generational holidays are fine if there are some compromise but the age and fitness is key. When we go with our daughters and grandchildren we are all very active and fit and we are happy to watch the kids while my daughter and her husband go off for a few hours in the spa or to get an adult meal. We are early 60s and used to spending lots of time with our grandchildren anyway.

We did it once though also with my mum in her late 80s and she needed to be sorted out with transport everywhere due to not being able to walk far and she struggled to cope with just the sheer noise level and activity of young children.

It sounds like the OPs PIL are not fully engaged with the grandchildren and have health issues so that is an extra worry for the OP especially with no DH support. So no holiday for her.

I've just read all your posts OP, and I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about caring for his mother. His behaviour is worthy of a conversation about his parenting too, but I think leaving you to care for your MIL is the more pressing issue. It's not your responsibility at all, it should 💯 be him that steps up if your FIL either won't do it, or needs a break. If he doesn't, it would be the last time I go on holiday with them. He can go on holiday with his parents on his own if he likes.

@Pineapples198 What you should have done on the afternoon you wanted to go out and everyone else wanted to stay in is to go out on your own. I spent a long time when my children were younger doing what they and my husband wanted to do and sometimes that was just staying home. Now if my husband says he doesn't want to go out and I do then I go off and do what I want. This will have the added advantage of getting your lazy DH to engage with his own kids.

I wouldn't go with your PiL again especially with his mum shushing you. You need to stand up for yourself.

I would let DH know about your plans tomorrow to leave him with the DCs on the ferry. Tell him you've looked after the DCs and his DM all week and you're taking a break from it. Also tell him next year you're going AI with a kids club and without his parents.

Your DH is the problem. Your PIL should be free to go off and do their own things as they like. You and DH should be spending some time all together with the kids and then if he gets a bit of time to himself, then you need the equal amount of opportunity for a break for yourself. If this isn’t happening then you need to point this out and ask when is a good time for him to have the kids on his own while you go rest… or do whatever you want to do. Don’t keep quiet and be a martyr and do all the parenting while he swans off having a great time.

Your ferry plan is right.

This issue was never about each doing their own thing on holiday (which is fine if it's what you all want to do)...but the fact that the two adult males have left all the caring jobs to you. That's the problem.

If you're going home tomorrow, you've also got tonight. Go out on your own. Maybe get dinner somewhere. Get up tomorrow and go out for breakfast somewhere on your own. Ferry as you've planned.

It's actually quite important that you do do this, otherwise your next 'holiday' will be just the same.

And you can see where he learnt that from.

Break the cycle for your dcs op; your family holiday has been ruined by sexist pigs who think that women are servants is the crux of it.

In this scenario, I would consider there to be two groups of people- your PIL’s and then your own nuclear family.

I wouldn’t have an issue with parents or PIL’s wanting to head off their own. They are older and have different comfort and stamina levels.

Partners on the other hand I would expect to be taking shared responsibility when looking after children and taking them out.

It’s understandable that your DH would like to spend some time with his father, but it’s unfair to leave you to care for the children and his mother on your own if you aren’t prepared to do so.

Could you talk with him about how it’s a challenge for you when he walks off without there being any prior discussion? Ideally he would have realised this already, but sometimes people only recognise this once others draw it to their attention.

Maybe you could then have a chat each morning about taking turns to do certain things-

eg. maybe after breakfast he could go with the children to the beachfront while you spend an he in the pool. In the afternoon you could sit in a cafe for an hr with the children while he and his mother go for a stroll etc. The father can be invited to join either of you, or wander about.

Every time DH needs to do something on his own, send the kids with him. He’ll soon stop

This. He is 100% the problem.

Your FIL might well be exhausted and it wouldn't be unreasonable for your DH to spend some time looking after his mum.
But it absolutely isn't okay for you to be left doing all the caring for dc and also your MIL on top.
You need to be really clear with your DH that he needs to actively sharing care of the dc.
If he isn't going to this then you will have be clear with him that you are stepping out from parenting and he needs to step in for a couple of hours.

I think from this you need to have two serious conversations with your husband - firstly about his lack of consideration for you and his children and secondly (and almost more importantly) the reality of the situation with his Mum and your concerns about how much that is putting on his brother. It sounds like this holiday has highlighted the reality of a situation that needs looking at before it becomes unsustainable

You need to let go of everyone doing stuff together. It is just much harder work. Your husband needs to do his turn with the kids but you also shouldn’t be caring for your mil and the kids with little input.

I don’t know why you were worried about being antisocial. You should have left them to it. You can’t please everyone and it’s important you do some things that you want to do.

I'd probably just do a holiday you dh and your kids next time as there's less opportunity to wander off but if he does want free time make sure you get some too.

This wasn’t a holiday for you and I would be telling DH that in great detail-it’s not for you to personally give FIL a break. If DH’s brother does all the caring for them for the rest of the year, DH needs to talk to his brother about how he can help.

In figure, holiday just with your small family of 4 and then you can do everything together. You can’t go and mooch round a town as a group of 6 when one has dementia and two are kids, you shouldn’t be doing bedtime every day either. Who has done the cooking? Clearing up?

DH can go and stay with his parents for a separate period of time to help them.

You are being used by the men in your family.

Not difficult to see why they feel entitled to use you: DH’s own mother told you to shush because the men were talking. That’s how it is in their family. The men don’t “do” caring duties, the women must.

Sorry.

Yes but OP isn't getting to spend it how she wants but everyone else is. What is the point of PIL coming if they aren't going to interact with the kids, they might as well go on holidays themselves. Main problem is DH though!