AIBU to expect people to do things together on holiday?

[Pineapples198]

I’m currently away with my DH, 2 DS’s and my parents in law. It’s been lovely but a hard week. I would expect that the 6 of us do things together. It seems we make a plan, go to do said plan and people wander off in all directions. We can’t even walk through the village without people going in 3 directions and end up waiting about or trying to find people. One day everyone wanted an afternoon in the house except me. I said ok we’ll stay in. Parents in law then went for a walk by themselves and DH went to sleep for 2 + hours leaving me on my own with the kids all afternoon. Today we decided to do a beach day. It rained for like 2 minutes and parents in law left the beach and didn’t come back. To be “helpful” they took most of the beach toys up with them. DH then said he ought to go and check his parents had remembered to get themselves some lunch (??) so left me on my own with the kids again. When I asked him to stay he said you know I don’t like the beach anyway. I said we’ve barely been on it all week so I don’t know why we bothered booking a beach holiday. Husband was like “well you and the kids can go on the beach if you want!”. Similar story most days tbh. We will be out as a group and then DH and FIL will disappear into a museum leaving me with the kids and MIL (who has dementia).
If I say something like I really want is to all go on the beach together or just stay together my husband just shrugs and says “we can all just do what we want!” However this doesn’t work for me as while others go elsewhere I need to do what the kids want to do. I wouldn’t dream of just wandering off so inevitably I get left til last and it’s assumed the kids will always be with me. My parents in law have largely ignored the children most of the week except to shush them and haven’t played with them at all. On the beach they just sit or go for a walk by themselves only to go back to the house after an hour.

AIBU to think that I’m getting the short end of the stick here? Maybe I should just take myself off and away and do what I what to do but I don’t want to leave other people in the lurch either!

Leave the kids with your DH and go off and do what you like.

You can see how your DH is abdicating responsibility for the kids, tell him straight.

This nails it.

Your issue isn’t about "doing things together", it is about you doing all the childcare alone. Your DH seems to make any excuse to dodge out of his responsibilities.

Though as a PP said, you missed a trick on the stay at home day. You should have told your DH you would be out for a few hours and left him to mind the kids.

Tell your DH firmly that you looked after the kids on your own yesterday and today and it's not happening again tomorrow. He can do what he wants with them and you're the one who gets to choose whether to come or not.

I don’t think you can expect everyone on a holiday to do the same stuff all the time, I’d find that quite irritating tbh.

However the main issue seems to be your DH abdicating any parenting and you’re jumping into martyr mode - if you wanted to go out this afternoon then you should’ve said, ‘ok then as I said I fancy an afternoon out so I’m off to do xyz’ and off you go leaving the kids with DH.

Can you do that tomorrow?

It sounds like this holiday just hasn't worked for you OP and that's partly because your DH is a selfish arse who keeps doing what he wants all the time and leaving you with the kids! Next time, I'd think long and hard about the kind of holiday that is going to work FOR YOU. Maybe one with a kids' club, or without your ILs? But YANBU - this doesn't like a holiday for you at all

Agree with others it's not about 'doing everything together' it's about your DH and PILs doing whatever they want while you look after the kids.

Regarding the PIL I think that's fine - let them do what they want and join you sometimes.

Regarding your DH - totally unacceptable. He isn't holidaying alone with you there as the nanny.

If he wants to do his own thing while you have the children that needs to be negotiated and agreed with you. Either you say no, he needs to stay and help you with the children. Or yes - he can have the morning but then he takes the kids to the beach in the afternoon while you have free time or whatever.

I went on holiday with my parents, DH and DC, and fuck me, my parents were needier than my 3 yo. Won't be doing that again.

I think it's tricky finding something that 3 different generations will genuinely enjoy, and it sounds like MIL is (reasonably) your FIL's priority. Your DH sounds completely checked out of family life. Is he always like this? What would happen if you put him in charge of planning the next holiday?

@Cornishclio I think multi-generational holidays can work within certain parameters. When DD was small we used to often holiday with PILs. This worked fine then as they were still in their late 60s/early 70s and fairly fit and active and able to drive themselves.

They would be very hands on with childcare and happy to look after DD for a day so DH and I could have a day by ourselves. Then, because they were independently mobile, they would have a day doing their own thing while DH and I took DD to something suitable for tinies. Other days we all hung out together.

However, it stopped being such a great idea after a few years. By the time DD was a young teenager they were getting older and more frail and MIL started to develop dementia. FIL no longer wanted to drive abroad so we all had to travel together and they couldn't really go off by themselves for the day. Trying to find ways to accommodate the needs and enjoyment of 80 year olds and a teenager, not to mention us, became well nigh impossible.

What was that advert - we want to be to-gevvvvver?

People need space. Expecting on a multi-generational holiday that everyone does everything together, all the time, is smothering and suffocating. Would drive me nuts, having to work to constantly get agreement from multiple people about what was happening and when. Far better to say "DH and I are walking into town for a mooch, want to meet up for lunch"? Or "Kids and I are going to the beach for a while, anyone fancy it"?

There is nothing worse than the extended family vacation where everyone must be in lock-step.

focus on your husband. He should not just be leaving you as the default carer for the children. The two of you need to coordinate plans for your immediate family group. Then let the ILs join as they like.

I agree that your DH isn’t carrying his share of the family load but could he be trying to support your FIL? If FIL is MIL’s sole carer he will be under tremendous strain. You definitely need a convo with your DH, just in case there’s more to this than him dodging his parenting responsibilities.

Honestly if he had to plan it we wouldn’t go.
I would have to give him very specific instructions. Find accommodation in such a location. Now find transport. Etc. I think the trouble is he doesn’t see his parents often so he wants to spend time with them. Which is understandable of course, but hasn’t even helped once with putting the kids to bed this week. He sits chatting to them while I put them to bed every night. I asked him to help one night but MIL shushed me and said he’s talking to his dad.

I should’ve gone out the other afternoon but I don’t want to be seen as anti social if I disappear.

When I have been on holiday with wider family we all just did our own thing during the day and came together for the evening meal. Worked out fine.

Just go - everyone needs a little me time, downtime, peace - just say, "I'm going to do xxxx see you in a bit" and GO. They all do. So should you.

FIL has left MIL to me all week too. I’ve had to pack bags with her drinks, snacks, lunch, jacket. Do her clothes washing etc. They live next door to their older son so I think he does a lot of the caring. From what I’ve seen FIL leaves her to her own devices, I was out for a few minutes the other night at the shop and she took one of the kids down the beach on her own and let him wander off. DH and FIL didn’t know she had left. Maybe FIL needed a break from caring for her which again is fine. And again I think an issue that DH hasn’t really stepped up but has left me caring for everyone. I suppose I feel a bit put upon. We are going home tomorrow. I plan to sit the kids with him on the ferry and go and sit somewhere else for a break and a snooze! I think I’m just feeling a bit deflated.

It's fine for DH to want to spend time with his parents but not if that means you looking after the kids alone all the time. It's your holiday too. Tell him this OP!

You've misidentified the problem. Your DH running out on parenting responsibilities is the problem. That is what you need to address.

Did you discuss how the holiday would pan out when planning it. DC and dementia can make a tricky holiday.

I am all for doing your own thing on holiday but not if that means one person is designated carer for both DC and MIL (especially if not agreed up front)

Your INLAWS can do as they want. MIL has dementia so I imagine FIL is just trying to play it by ear.

However, your DH is being a facilitated dick. You're facilitating it.

Here, have the buggy, I'm just gonna pop in here / have a look over there / might go back home actually but you stay / going for a walk and you've got the kids.

Why don't you trust him with the kids?

I don't want to do the same thing as other people.

We always agree before going that we will do our own thing during the day and then meet up at, say 7pm for dinner.

Then if I decide I want to go and look around a market (for instance) and somebody wants to come then great. If not there's no obligation!

I would expect your DH to do (most) things with you and your children. Maybe an afternoon where you did something on your own while he looked after the kids, and another afternoon where he did something on his own while you looked after the kids, would be reasonable.

However, I wouldn't expect your PILs to do everything with you at all! If anything I'd assume they would do their own thing most days. I've twice been away with my parents (or rather they went away and we joined them for five days) and DP and I went out each day on our own, and then we all went out for an evening meal. On one day there was something DP wanted to do on his own in another town so I asked my parents if they'd like to come with us and then DP could do his thing while my parents and I explored the town and went to a cafe, and that was nice. But I wouldn't expect two couples on a holiday, relatives or not, to spend all their time together doing the same things.

I think the issue for you is not 'We aren't doing everything together' but 'DH is leaving me to deal with the kids all the time'.

Several problems here.

Doing things separately is fine.

Being left to look after the children and the MIL is not.

Don't holiday with them again. It won't change.

I do a lot of group holidays (family/friends). No way does everyone do stuff together all the time.

Sounds like a bit of a rubbish holiday for you; I don’t think everyone should do everything together all the time but your dh should certainly do more childcare and why can’t he care for his own mother? He sounds lazy and selfish tbh

So it isn't really everyone doing their own thing then is it, it's everyone except you doing their own thing.

I'd say right tomorrow I'm off for a walk/swim/shop on my own I'll be back for lunch, and leave (with the expectation lunch will be ready on return!)