Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF not there the one time I need him

65 replies

dustyoldcar · 10/08/2023 13:33

Name changed for this...

My BF and I have been together for about 9 months. So far, everything has been pretty perfect - we make each other laugh, appeared to share the same values, understood each other and enjoyed spending time together participating in our similar interests. We have one DC each, have recently introduced them to one another and they get on brilliantly too. I should also mention that we are each very lucky to also have a wide circle of friends and enjoy our independent lives too - something which is important to both of us. Everyone has been so happy for us and I have been looking forward to sharing more and more of our lives together. After years and years of putting up with an abusive husband, then having a couple of shorter-term relationships which just didn't work out, I thought I'd finally found 'the one.'

BF and I have both been through extremely messy divorces and custody battles. He shares his DC 50:50 and I have my DC about 70% of the time. The only extended periods that my DC is away are during the longer school holidays (Oct half term, Easter and summer hols), when they stay with ExH every other week. I struggled initially when DC started staying with ExH but over time have started to appreciate the 'me' time and I now enjoy catching up with friends, going out, doing bits indoors and catching up with work.

Earlier this year, BF had his final financial settlement hearing for his divorce and I was nothing but supportive. The hearing lasted for two days and his emotions were all over the place. There have been other times when he has needed me and I've been there without question.

BF is one of the good guys (or so I thought, anyway!) who is generous and thoughtful. He recently arranged a surprise trip away for the two of us and we had a great time. On the return journey, he was quiet but this isn't unusual when he's stressed e.g. with work (he works very hard in a high paying role) or with issues with his ex.

This week, I have not seen my DC as they are away with ExH and I've found it very difficult. It's the longest they have ever been away from home (as it's more than one week this time) and ExH doesn't allow me any contact with DC, other than a single midweek phone call. Normally, anyone would say I am the life and soul of the party - I love to laugh, dance, seek solutions to problems and enjoy being a strong, independent woman, a good role model to my DC and am not in the slightest bit needy. This week, however, has been different. I have been very down, full of tears and felt incredibly lonely. It feels like forever since I both last saw my DC and until I see DC again. I hate coming home from work to an empty house. I hate going to bed alone. I hate waking up alone.

I explained this to BF and asked if I could stay at his earlier this week. He told me sorry but he wanted to sleep well that night. The following night, he popped round mine but made it very clear he wasn't staying and did the same last night, even after seeing me cry. This is a absolutely the first time in our relationship that I have needed him. I have never become upset in front of him before and never wanted so much to stay at his or for him to stay at mine. It has therefore really hurt that his response after hearing about how lonely and sad I feel, he's basically said 'yeah but I need my sleep so bye.'

Today, I haven't heard from him at all. This is very unusual. Normally it's about 50:50 as to who sends the other person a message in the morning and we send little messages on and off throughout the day. I know I could send him one today and I'm not out to play teenage games but when someone is going through a tough time, especially when they're not normally like this, most people's reaction would be to check in on them. This is what I have done to him when he needed me, this is what my friends and I do to each other... but today, on the day after I've opened up to him and need him more than ever, he can't be bothered to send me a few words.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I focus on the fact that he's normally a great guy or is this him showing his true colours? Is this workable? Everything I thought I knew about him has been turned upside down and I'm confused.

YABU: Yes, give the poor guy a chance.
YANBU: He's shown his true colours and this is an indicator of things to come.

TLDR: BF of 9 months, who is usually a great guy, has ghosted me the one and only time I need him.

OP posts:
HaIIie · 10/08/2023 13:41

He may be feeling a little like he doesn't know how to deal with it. It does seem a huge reaction to be so down and crying and full of tears because your kids are with their Dad. He might have felt a little put out by your reaction. Maybe it's not workable, maybe your emotions are on different pages to each other.

Hufflemuff · 10/08/2023 13:49

I think you need to focus on the good things he does for you and see this as a bit of an unfortunate and disappointing one off. Explain how he made you feel and ask him if there's any reason behind why he didn't respond in a caring way. Perhaps he's got things going on that he's trying to keep private whilst you are in a mess.

Don't listen to the overly dramatic women on here who will tell someone to dump their partner because he's not done the washing up that night.

givemushypeasachance · 10/08/2023 13:57

I'm not great with relationships, but what stood out to me is you say you are not usually in your words "needy". So with the current situation, where you are again in your words being needy, perhaps he doesn't understand how to deal with that? You are acting out of character when he's used to "strong independent woman" you, but currently you're crying saying you don't like your house being empty and can he keep you company, because your daughter is at her dad's. That is a fairly strong reaction from a parent who is used to their kid being away for a week at a time and usually enjoys having their own time and space. Maybe he's a bit confused why you are so emotional and doesn't know how to make it better or just feels uncomfortable.

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 10/08/2023 13:59

Some people will take all the support you have to give, but be unable or unwilling to reciprocate. Perhaps you have one of those.

AndyMcFlurry · 10/08/2023 14:06

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 10/08/2023 13:59

Some people will take all the support you have to give, but be unable or unwilling to reciprocate. Perhaps you have one of those.

This. Maybe he likes Fun DustyOldCar . And DustyOldCar who is there for him when he is stressed. But he’s not willing to reciprocate.

So it’s up to you if you want to keep him for the LOLS, as @Hufflemuff says. Or if you are looking for a mutual relationship with someone less selfish and with more depth .

If I were you I’d take this as a big red flag then watch carefully over the next few months to see how balanced your relationship is and if it matches what you want.

Motomum23 · 10/08/2023 14:25

Presuming your mind is somewhere between do I let this go or do I put up with it for a quiet life, and presuming you could live with the relationship deteriorating I would just tell him how you feel. Hey I bf I know it might be silly to you that I have been missing dc so much but I really feel it and I would have appreciated some extra love/support from you when I was down, much like I have given you when you went through xx tough time. I love everything sbout you but this has thrown me out a bit.... give him a chance to make it right. He may just be a bit clueless as how to react to something he doesn't recognise as a problem,.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/08/2023 14:32

I wonder whether his ex-wife would say he was always there for her when she needed him?

Somehow, I doubt it.

ManateeFair · 10/08/2023 14:34

This would be a red flag for me.

It sounds to me as if he's only interested in someone who is always 'the strong one' in the relationship so that you can constantly support him, but the moment you need support he's not interested any more because that means he has to put some effort in too.

I'm someone who is typically quite impatient with behaviour that I see as needy or high-maintenance, and even I wouldn't think you were being needy for asking if you could stay over at his for one night because you were feeling a bit lonely at home without your DC! It's a very small ask of someone you've been going out with for nine months! Also his claim that he 'needs to sleep well' that night and that he can't possibly sleep adequately if his girlfriend is with him makes him sound like a spoilt princess.

Soverymuchfruit · 10/08/2023 14:36

You know it's a kind of teenage game you're in now, so stop it. Send him a message telling him you're still feeling down and lonely. See how he responds.

Soverymuchfruit · 10/08/2023 14:39

Also: does he normally get enough sleep when you're together? And does he have some big work thing or something, going on at the moment? Ie does his excuse actually make sense, when you look at it calmly? Or not?

Dixiechickonhols · 10/08/2023 14:43

It sounds like you are in different places. He’s not long out of a divorce and wanting something more casual eg trips away and meals out and you are seeing him more as a life partner.
I’d articulate what you want and keep an eye on things. If it’s always you giving and no reciprocating then you’ll know.

CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 14:43

I think this is a "wait and see" one. It could be that he's only there for the good times and not really supportive in your time of need, or it could be that he was a bit taken aback by your tears, didn't quite know what to do and is genuinely stressed about work.

Slow down a bit. Nine months in is still very very early days to be planning a future together especially as there are DC involved. Take a tiny step back and wait to see what happens in future situations - whether he steps up or not.

CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 14:45

Honestly I think that talking about 'the one' after nine months together is jumping the gun.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 14:45

Well, and I mean this kindly, from reading your post my main reaction was that you are being quite dramatic about your children being away at their dad's. He sees his kids less than you so is probably used to missing them for a week - could he be thinking the same and feeling irritated by your reaction?

Scarydinosaurs · 10/08/2023 14:46

You’ve only been together nine months so it does seem like a lot very early on.

I would lean on your friends at this point, not a boyfriend.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/08/2023 14:51

You do seem very into this relationship very quickly. You've been together less than a year and yet you're calling him "the one".

That soon into a relationship, after a trip away I'd need a few days by myself to recharge, and really wouldn't be expecting to see that much of a girlfriend.

He may be realising that you're treating this a lot more seriously than he is at this point, and be backing off a bit as a result.

Original poster
dustyoldcar · 10/08/2023 14:51

These are a wide range of opinions and they've been really useful in helping me to see both sides and have some clarity. I think I'm going to send him a message to keep the channel of communication open and then see how things go over the next couple of months. Thanks to everyone who's posted so far!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/08/2023 15:22

Hmmmm

I think it’s a bit of a red flag. If he was happy to accept all that support from you, it should definitely be a give and take.

If it wasn’t for that, I’d say it was ok and that he obviously wasn’t seeing things as “serious” yet - but as he was happy to take support from you it’s another matter

Dixiechickonhols · 10/08/2023 15:32

How does his 50/50 work op? If he’s used to not seeing his children for a week at a time he may not get why you are so upset and possibly be bristling at you seeming so upset your children are with dad, implied criticism of him that dad care isn’t up to standard.

Original poster
dustyoldcar · 10/08/2023 15:35

I totally get what lots of you are saying re things moving quickly and how this may make him feel but the weird thing is, he's the one who's always mentioned our future together. I tend to hold back on saying stuff like that because of the history with my abusive, narcissistic ExH. This is what has made me even more confused! Anyway, I've sent him a friendly message and have left the door open for an easy reply. I hate the current feeling of things being difficult between us so this felt the best way.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 10/08/2023 15:39

Red flag for me. Don’t doubt yourself. You needed him and he did. Not. Budge. This is not a man with the sort of sympathy and compassion required for a really intimate relationship.

Original poster
dustyoldcar · 10/08/2023 15:41

BF's 50:50 arrangement is week on, week off. He knows about the reasons for my ExH not receiving the same when I was taken to court, despite him applying for the same split. ExH is an abusive, controlling bully (hence the once a week contact when DC is in his care) and I do worry about and miss DC - but surely that's a natural reaction for a mum!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 15:42

Dixiechickonhols · 10/08/2023 15:32

How does his 50/50 work op? If he’s used to not seeing his children for a week at a time he may not get why you are so upset and possibly be bristling at you seeming so upset your children are with dad, implied criticism of him that dad care isn’t up to standard.

Yes this was what I was getting at. If you have your kids 50% of the time, it could be quite annoying hearing someone that has theirs 70% of the time complain about missing them. There are lots of ways he could potentially be feeling offended by this.

StarPotential · 10/08/2023 15:42

I think he actually sounded quite mean there. To be so cold towards you when you were upset. Even if he genuinely needed his sleep he could have said it gently and still comforted you.

Foodie6 · 10/08/2023 15:44

This is a big red flag to me.

He's coming out with script to do with spending your whole lives together and speeding the relationship along. Are you sure you've not been lovebombed? This is exactly what my ex was like, then funnily enough he just wasn't interested at all when I was going through a rough time and it all started to unravel.

I cannot be bothered with a man who only wants to be there for the good times.

Swipe left for the next trending thread