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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BF not there the one time I need him

65 replies

dustyoldcar · 10/08/2023 13:33

Name changed for this...

My BF and I have been together for about 9 months. So far, everything has been pretty perfect - we make each other laugh, appeared to share the same values, understood each other and enjoyed spending time together participating in our similar interests. We have one DC each, have recently introduced them to one another and they get on brilliantly too. I should also mention that we are each very lucky to also have a wide circle of friends and enjoy our independent lives too - something which is important to both of us. Everyone has been so happy for us and I have been looking forward to sharing more and more of our lives together. After years and years of putting up with an abusive husband, then having a couple of shorter-term relationships which just didn't work out, I thought I'd finally found 'the one.'

BF and I have both been through extremely messy divorces and custody battles. He shares his DC 50:50 and I have my DC about 70% of the time. The only extended periods that my DC is away are during the longer school holidays (Oct half term, Easter and summer hols), when they stay with ExH every other week. I struggled initially when DC started staying with ExH but over time have started to appreciate the 'me' time and I now enjoy catching up with friends, going out, doing bits indoors and catching up with work.

Earlier this year, BF had his final financial settlement hearing for his divorce and I was nothing but supportive. The hearing lasted for two days and his emotions were all over the place. There have been other times when he has needed me and I've been there without question.

BF is one of the good guys (or so I thought, anyway!) who is generous and thoughtful. He recently arranged a surprise trip away for the two of us and we had a great time. On the return journey, he was quiet but this isn't unusual when he's stressed e.g. with work (he works very hard in a high paying role) or with issues with his ex.

This week, I have not seen my DC as they are away with ExH and I've found it very difficult. It's the longest they have ever been away from home (as it's more than one week this time) and ExH doesn't allow me any contact with DC, other than a single midweek phone call. Normally, anyone would say I am the life and soul of the party - I love to laugh, dance, seek solutions to problems and enjoy being a strong, independent woman, a good role model to my DC and am not in the slightest bit needy. This week, however, has been different. I have been very down, full of tears and felt incredibly lonely. It feels like forever since I both last saw my DC and until I see DC again. I hate coming home from work to an empty house. I hate going to bed alone. I hate waking up alone.

I explained this to BF and asked if I could stay at his earlier this week. He told me sorry but he wanted to sleep well that night. The following night, he popped round mine but made it very clear he wasn't staying and did the same last night, even after seeing me cry. This is a absolutely the first time in our relationship that I have needed him. I have never become upset in front of him before and never wanted so much to stay at his or for him to stay at mine. It has therefore really hurt that his response after hearing about how lonely and sad I feel, he's basically said 'yeah but I need my sleep so bye.'

Today, I haven't heard from him at all. This is very unusual. Normally it's about 50:50 as to who sends the other person a message in the morning and we send little messages on and off throughout the day. I know I could send him one today and I'm not out to play teenage games but when someone is going through a tough time, especially when they're not normally like this, most people's reaction would be to check in on them. This is what I have done to him when he needed me, this is what my friends and I do to each other... but today, on the day after I've opened up to him and need him more than ever, he can't be bothered to send me a few words.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I focus on the fact that he's normally a great guy or is this him showing his true colours? Is this workable? Everything I thought I knew about him has been turned upside down and I'm confused.

YABU: Yes, give the poor guy a chance.
YANBU: He's shown his true colours and this is an indicator of things to come.

TLDR: BF of 9 months, who is usually a great guy, has ghosted me the one and only time I need him.

OP posts:

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 10/08/2023 17:28

Sadly imo he wants the relationship on his terms.

Quitelikeit · 10/08/2023 17:35

I find it very odd that you never stay over at each others house.

What is it about you that means he can’t sleep when you are in his bed?

The big thing here for me is remember at the beginning everyone is always very nice!! Nine months is not long enough - 3 years in then you’ll have an idea who he really is but not yet as it’s too soon.

Id have pointed out to him that you felt he was really unsupportive- you can do it in a message and see how he responds?

has he replied to you yet? I’d expect even an abuser to show concern at this stage tbh even if it was fake concern but maybe his mask is slipping

Blondewithredlips · 10/08/2023 17:36

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 14:45

Well, and I mean this kindly, from reading your post my main reaction was that you are being quite dramatic about your children being away at their dad's. He sees his kids less than you so is probably used to missing them for a week - could he be thinking the same and feeling irritated by your reaction?

This. I would not want to deal with this either.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/08/2023 17:36

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 10/08/2023 16:49

Assuming the courts think the kids can see their dad for the holidays , yes she is being dramatic .

Show quote history

Tell me you haven’t had to deal with a narcissist without saying you haven’t dealt with a narcissist…

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/08/2023 17:39

That said, I would be totally on board with “this is too new a relationship to put all that baggage on your new partner” - I’d agree - if he hadn’t been happy to accept the OP’s support with a very comparable situation- his own baggage from his previous relationship.

So to me the red flag is “all take and no give” - if he say it as a new relationship then he should have kept her at arm’s length from his troubles too.

Summerslimtime · 10/08/2023 17:42

It's selfish behaviour isn't it? He's not concerned about you at all. It's all me, me, me. I wouldn’t see the point of a relationship if he wasn't there when I needed him. He's just not bothered, is he? And yes, there are plenty of takers out there who enjoy you being generous with your time and warmth.

Maybe it was just a bit of fun, and he's not that into you. I'm not needy either, but I am loyal and demand loyalty back. I would 100% expect to be given a higher priority than sleep in my hour of need. I wonder if you will notice other things now...

CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 17:42

Yes, I agree with that too. Maybe the OP is being a bit too needy for this stage in the relationship, but remember that her bf was all over the place emotionally earlier this year and she supported him through it.

Quitelikeit · 10/08/2023 17:48

Surely the fact that he might have thought it silly that she was crying over missing her child is neither here nor there

Its how he reacted that’s the issue

I’

FallingStar21 · 10/08/2023 17:57

I don't get his reasoning. Why can't he sleep well if you are there?
Sounds really weird and given your relationship is developing (children introduced etc) means you may end up living together or married in future. How would he cope then?

MatildaTheCat · 10/08/2023 18:00

He may have felt somewhat irritated with OP feeling so upset about a situation that is his reality- his child is away from him much more. The situation may be quite different but it could be a trigger for his lack of empathy.

However some people do not cope with giving emotional support. I had a close friend who was always in some kind of emotional crisis and I gave her a lot of support. When my parent died I asked her for a call as I was crying so much (lockdown/ Covid carehome etc) and she replied with a massive text explaining how she was too busy for a chat. She was completely brilliant at helping with practical stuff and did actually save us a lot of money with help relating to her professional life. She just couldn’t do emotions.

In that instance I just made a mental note and turned elsewhere for stuff like that. More tricky with an actual partner though. I’d just clock it and keep an eye out.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2023 18:09

Did he actually need you or did you just jump in to help because that's who you are? It's an important distinction to me because his emotions being all over the place might be your interpretation. He might be that it was a 'shit time but done now'. That difference in viewpoint might be why you're struggling with his behaviour and your perception of it as 'unloving'.

I too think that you didn't take the hint, kept trying to make him stay or for you to stay at his place. What would have happened if you hadn't had a boyfriend and your children would have been at their dad's? Who would you have reached for then - or would you have need to reach out at all?

You're not being unreasonable for how you feel as your feelings are your feelings but that doesn't mean that your boyfriend has to feel the same, respond the same - and he clearly hasn't on this occasion. I would pull back a bit in terms of needing his and only his, support as a first call. It's been nine months.

Pinkdelight3 · 11/08/2023 13:48

It don't think it's a big deal that he sleeps less well when OP is there. Could be anything from him being a light sleeper to having sex to that tricky thing of trying to go to sleep cuddling when you normally want to sprawl out. Doesn't remotely mean he's not into her. Plenty of people sleep better on their own but still make good partners.

1967buglet · 11/08/2023 13:53

Wait and see. It is too early to see if he is ‘the one’. You may be the rebound relationship

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 11/08/2023 13:53

Surely adults having sleepovers in a relatively new relationship aren't actually worrying about sleep exactly?

Pinkdelight3 · 11/08/2023 13:58

Surely adults having sleepovers in a relatively new relationship aren't actually worrying about sleep exactly?

On a weeknight with a stressful job, then yes, why wouldn't they need their sleep? They're adults with responsibilities. Not so hard to comprehend that.

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