BF not there the one time I need him

[dustyoldcar]

Name changed for this...

My BF and I have been together for about 9 months. So far, everything has been pretty perfect - we make each other laugh, appeared to share the same values, understood each other and enjoyed spending time together participating in our similar interests. We have one DC each, have recently introduced them to one another and they get on brilliantly too. I should also mention that we are each very lucky to also have a wide circle of friends and enjoy our independent lives too - something which is important to both of us. Everyone has been so happy for us and I have been looking forward to sharing more and more of our lives together. After years and years of putting up with an abusive husband, then having a couple of shorter-term relationships which just didn't work out, I thought I'd finally found 'the one.'

BF and I have both been through extremely messy divorces and custody battles. He shares his DC 50:50 and I have my DC about 70% of the time. The only extended periods that my DC is away are during the longer school holidays (Oct half term, Easter and summer hols), when they stay with ExH every other week. I struggled initially when DC started staying with ExH but over time have started to appreciate the 'me' time and I now enjoy catching up with friends, going out, doing bits indoors and catching up with work.

Earlier this year, BF had his final financial settlement hearing for his divorce and I was nothing but supportive. The hearing lasted for two days and his emotions were all over the place. There have been other times when he has needed me and I've been there without question.

BF is one of the good guys (or so I thought, anyway!) who is generous and thoughtful. He recently arranged a surprise trip away for the two of us and we had a great time. On the return journey, he was quiet but this isn't unusual when he's stressed e.g. with work (he works very hard in a high paying role) or with issues with his ex.

This week, I have not seen my DC as they are away with ExH and I've found it very difficult. It's the longest they have ever been away from home (as it's more than one week this time) and ExH doesn't allow me any contact with DC, other than a single midweek phone call. Normally, anyone would say I am the life and soul of the party - I love to laugh, dance, seek solutions to problems and enjoy being a strong, independent woman, a good role model to my DC and am not in the slightest bit needy. This week, however, has been different. I have been very down, full of tears and felt incredibly lonely. It feels like forever since I both last saw my DC and until I see DC again. I hate coming home from work to an empty house. I hate going to bed alone. I hate waking up alone.

I explained this to BF and asked if I could stay at his earlier this week. He told me sorry but he wanted to sleep well that night. The following night, he popped round mine but made it very clear he wasn't staying and did the same last night, even after seeing me cry. This is a absolutely the first time in our relationship that I have needed him. I have never become upset in front of him before and never wanted so much to stay at his or for him to stay at mine. It has therefore really hurt that his response after hearing about how lonely and sad I feel, he's basically said 'yeah but I need my sleep so bye.'

Today, I haven't heard from him at all. This is very unusual. Normally it's about 50:50 as to who sends the other person a message in the morning and we send little messages on and off throughout the day. I know I could send him one today and I'm not out to play teenage games but when someone is going through a tough time, especially when they're not normally like this, most people's reaction would be to check in on them. This is what I have done to him when he needed me, this is what my friends and I do to each other... but today, on the day after I've opened up to him and need him more than ever, he can't be bothered to send me a few words.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I focus on the fact that he's normally a great guy or is this him showing his true colours? Is this workable? Everything I thought I knew about him has been turned upside down and I'm confused.

YABU: Yes, give the poor guy a chance.
YANBU: He's shown his true colours and this is an indicator of things to come.

TLDR: BF of 9 months, who is usually a great guy, has ghosted me the one and only time I need him.

I don't think this sounds great but I'd have an direct conversation with him about how you feel about his behaviour and see what that tells you. If he's still dismissive when you tell him you feel like he's not been there for you when you've needed him then I would steer clear. Hopefully he will take the opportunity to make it up to you.

tbh if I was seeing someone for just 9 months. Coming out of that first flush of romance, introduced the kids to each other, becoming more comfortable and natural around each other and they suddenly turned into an over emotional needy mess, playing games with texting too, for something so minor I would see it as a huge red flag that she had been putting on a façade for the last 9 months and the real her is high maintenance and too much to handle on top of my own kids/responsibilities.

As you've said yourself, this is somewhat out of character and he hasn't seen this side of you before. That's definitely enough to make someone a little worried if they don't know how to handle it.

If his performance at work will suffer due to not sleeping well then I think it's fair that he doesn't want you staying over. It's not like he refused to see you at all or lied about the reason - it sounds like he's been pretty honest.

I think you're overreacting somewhat here.

To be honest you are being a bit dramatic , the kids are at their dads for a week ,not in a burning building .

Remember that the OP’s ex is a narcissist though . So her child being with him is probably more worrying than with a non narcissistic father!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and think it’s horrible that you cant have contact with your DC. Quite understandable to miss them and be concerned about them with XH.
wait and see if this not reciprocating support is the true picture of your new chap. I do think some people are just takers and happy when you are bubbly and fun but not there when you really need support. It absolutely should be equal so clear communication to get to the bottom of it and then see how it goes? Good luck OP.

I wonder if he feels you're being a bit dramatic by crying and being "down" just because your children are with their dad for a week.

Presumably if he has his children 50/50 that's fairly normal for him, so maybe he's struggling to understand what you're so upset about.

Just text him and see what he says.

This.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing and @Floribundaflummery have it spot on re my ExH. He doesn't tell me where he's taking DC (it's part of his control tactic) so, from handover on a Friday until my midweek phone call, I have no idea even where in the country they are. Earlier in the year, DC was taken to A&E whilst in ExH's care and he refused to tell me anything about it, despite me having a live-with order and being the primary carer. Staff at the hospital were so concerned, they reported him to SS. These are just a couple of examples... so yes, I do worry and yes, that worry is fairly justified!

Current BF knows all this btw and has been fully supportive until now.

Anyway, I feel I've derailed my own thread with tales of my ExH. Will just focus on the issue in hand now! Possibly having an abusive ExH makes me not see things clearly in new relationships. I don't know!

He's been over twice and you've cried at him, I don't think he's been red flaggy at all. He's been there, but it's not like you're in the midst of some major issue, your DC are on holiday with their dad. You're not coping with that well, I get it, but he's not done nothing, and it's fair enough to need his sleep on a work night in a high pressure job. If the DC were in jeopardy or there a was a tragedy, he'd probably pull out the stops more, but in this situation he's just being more balanced and you need to distract yourself in other ways till DC are back.

Totally this. Don't get sidetracked into making excuses for him and thinking 'Maybe he was thinking this or that...'. He wasn't there when you needed him most -- and that, ultimately, is the test of a relationship.

That's awful, but it's also a lot for a new partner to deal with after such a short space of time.

In light of your update, I wonder if he feels a bit overwhelmed with it all. I wouldn't have the first clue how to comfort someone in your situation.

He is enjoying the status quo of seeing his children and seeing you on a regular basis and everyone is jolly and happy.

Now you have put a spanner in the world from his perspective of wanting more emotional support and after only 9 months and from previously splitting from a partner, he's just not ready for all that drama.

Assuming the courts think the kids can see their dad for the holidays , yes she is being dramatic .

Do you normally stay over at each others or have you only asked this week as you were feeling down? He may feel a bit panicked that the next step is suggesting moving in. That said, unless you generally think the worst in a situation and subsequently turn out to be wrong - then I say trust your gut - if you think something is off - it probably is. I think 9 months is plenty of time to expect a bit of extra support - whether he understands the need for it or not.

Would he usually say no if you said you would like to stay over? Was it the fact you were upset that put him off or he just didn’t want to spend extra time with you?

Fairweather boyfriend. You’re only useful to him when you’re meeting his needs. Now you need him he’s lost interest. Detangle yourself now, you’re in far too deep.

She's done that and look where it got her.

Eek - more people are saying that I should proceed with caution. I was fully ready to be told I was BU and wasn't expecting this!

For those that have asked, we very rarely get to stay at each others' houses because of how our schedules with our DC have worked out (especially with me having the majority care of my DC). Staying over is therefore usually a rare treat! When I initially asked on Monday, I wasn't emotional as I was yesterday so it wasn't that which put him off.

Confused!

OP I don’t know if this will help: my now husband and I have been together 11 years, married almost 8. When we had been together only 5 months really was there for me when I was feeling completely lost and alone in life. I met him when I was a difficult stage and my career was a mess. When we’d spent new year together, he left me back to my place and he could tell I was lonely so he said “come over and stay at mine tonight”. I’ll never forget his kindness even though, yes, I was probably needy and insecure. he hasn’t only been there for the good times, not by a long chalk. Something to consider.

Has he messaged you now, OP?

If someone can't /won't support you when things are tricky, they're not a keeper
It's dead easy being in a relationship when life is straightforward. Takes love and guts when things are shit. I'd worry he's fair weather and not step up in crises. Only you know if it looks that way