To be angry my mum smoked inside my house?

[Brightandshining]

To be extremely angry my mum was smoking inside my house? My children were there and I am pregnant. One of my children has asthma and has been in and out of hospital since birth. My mum has mobility issues. She usually sits outside on the bench but she said she didn't feel up to it so just opened the kitchen door and sat on a chair in the kitchen.
I Came in the room and absolutely lost myshit She temporarily lives with us.
It's the tip of the iceberg with her.
She acted so put upon when I got angry like I'm the most unreasonable person in the world. She said 'what was I supposed to do?' As though her need to smoke obviously has to come before my need to protect
I just need some reassurance I'm not overreacting. She does this any time I'm angry or make any mild criticism.. acts like I'm absolutely unhinged and shes this poor sad put upon martyr. She called me 'controlling' when i initially said she had to smoke outside.. but i did think she was adhearing to that

I would be absolutely livid. Why does she live in your house?

@GloomySkies my dad died unexpectedly in October and was her carer. They were living abroad in the middle of nowhere in a large crumbling house and I just went and brought her back here without really thinking about it. It's been a nightmare. She's a very difficult person

I think you are overreacting a bit. It’s one cigarette. If she normally goes outside then I’d leave it. Has she any plans to get her own property here? Does she have any friends/hobbies?

Anyone who smoked in my house would never be let in my house again. Utterly vile, and stinks the place out for weeks.

Yeah, I think the fact that she's being so defensive about it would make me angriest. Because that would indicate to me that she sees no reason not to and unless you really put your foot down hard, a request won't suffice.

I don't think that you are overreacting at all. You set down the rules while she is with you for good reasons and she flouted them. I was a smoker ( no longer) but never smoked in my daughter's house or son's as they didn't like it. I didn't smoke in my house either but went outside. You need to get her out as she's becoming too comfortable and maybe looks on your house as her house now..I know that's a bit ott!

I don't think you are overreacting at all. In fact it sounds like this is one thing on top of many.

The people I know that smoke by and large don't smoke in their own house, never mind in someone else's!

Incredibly selfish, especially given your child's asthma.

I would go batshit!!!!

Totally disagree. OP told her mum not to smoke. Even without being pregnant and having asthmatic child that is perfectly reasonable. The fact her mum (1) did it despite being asked not to (2) did it knowing it could cause harm to her grandchild and (3) was unrepentant and tried to accuse the OP of being controlling suggests to me that the mum is a nasty and controlling character herself.

OP YANBU 100%

She is leaving but stupidly has demanded to go back to her house abroad... because I told her she needed to find somewhere to rent here and she needed to hire herself a cleaner or PA as when the baby is born I won't be able to do this for her. And she angrily said she would just go back to her house...

She says she can't afford to rent anywhere. She gets 3.5k a month. I know that because I set it up for her when dad died. She gets his pensions, hers and her disability benefits. She has no mortgage. She has insurance to pay on the house abroad but I just got a letter saying she hasn't paid it for months. She could afford to rent somewhere she just wants to stay here for free.

On 3.5k a month she can afford to rent a flat, get a cleaner and smoke to her hearts content in her own space.

She's being awfully selfish, OP. As you rightly stated, her want to smoke does not trump your rules in your own home and certainly not the need of your asthmatic child and unborn baby to breath clean air!

Show her this thread, OP. Let us tell her how unreasonable she's being and then get her on rightmove rentals!

I doubt she will go abroad again, she's likely only saying that so you'll give in and let her stay. But call her bluff. If she does go back home that's on her. She'll probably slag you off to all and sundry but it's her own fault.

Fwiw the only time I had a smoker staying here I banned them from not only smoking in the house (I'm asthmatic) but also the back garden as I have free-roaming animals and I didn't want them eating the butts. I also felt mildly guilty when, having gone to pay condolences to a neighbour, I said that yes, I did mind when asked by the sister if I minded her smoking in the same room. I figured she needn't have asked, but I'd be suffering for it later if she did.

Let her crack on with her threat to go back home. Seriously she can sort herself out.

I can't believe you're pregnant, have a child with asthma who's been in and out of hospital since birth and her need to smoke in your house still reigns.

Tells you everything really.

If it was just about one cigarette then yes I think you’re overacting. But clearly there’s a lot else going on with her - so focus on sorting that out.

She’s a horror. My mum once lit up inside my house, I believe it was genuinely unconscious, muscle memory, she’d got out a cigarette to take into the garden and her lighter and just automatically went to light it. I was horrified. 🤣 With a pregnant person and an asthmatic child, tho, omg, I’d go nuts too.

She’s going to destroy your relationship with you, her fault. If she wants to go me back abroad, can you employ a carer? She seems to have enough money. And if you have access to her accounts, can you pay the insurance for her?

YANBU to be angry about the smoking, she should not be smoking in your house (even if you weren't pregnant and your DS didn't have asthma!). You don't know it's only one cigarette, all you know is she's only been caught with one.

But also, does she actually want to be living in your house? It doesn't sound like you gave her much choice... I'm sure you did it with the best intentions but if she has mental capacity I don't think you can force her. If she wants to go back to her home, let her!

@Cherrysoup I can access her accounts but she has capacity I cant move her money about that would be illegal.
She definitely could afford and should, hire a carer.. but she says she doesnt need one. Whilst having me do all her washing cooking and cleaning and my husband drive her places and basically do loads of other stuff for her. She obviously does need one
She also has a dog she cannot care for really yet is adamant she's taking with her. She sometimes even can't feed the dog herself.. which is the only thing she does for him.. I walk him, wash him etc
She won't listen to a single word I say she just acts like im crazy.

I'd be furious! And I say this as an ex smoker who is married to a smoker. It is down the home owner(s) if anyone can smoke inside that house and if one person objects for ANY REASON then it's a straight no. Especially in a home with children.

In this case as well, I'd assume that if she could get away with it, she'll do it again and again, and before you know it, you have a smoking kitchen.

@JC89 I didnt force her. She wanted to come initially. I didnt think it would be like this though. The plan was she would sell her house and buy one in this country. She absolutely will not be able to cope alone in her house abroad. Its very old, has 7 bedrooms and a swimming pool.. its in the middle of nowhere. Nearest shop is a drive away. She sometimes struggles to lift a cup. I could not have left her there alone. Her accounts were frozen too immediately after my dad died. He sorted everything financial. She hadn't a clue what bank they even banked with. It took a long time to sort everything out. She woukd have been sat there penniless and alone. I dont think we really had an option to leave her there at that time

For those saying ‘it’s just one cigarette’ I guess you have never been in the back of an ambulance with your asthmatic child struggling to breathe? It only takes one and it hangs around in the house for ages.
Op is entitled to protect her own children in their own home ( and her unborn babies health too) If she has done it once I would imagine she has done it many more times.

Fair enough. In that case she is probably calling your bluff. If she insists on returning home, maybe it would be doable if it was planned (plan to include hiring carers / cleaners etc) but remind her you won't be able to help much if she is abroad and you have a newborn to look after.

Selling the house and buying one here does sound like a good option, it doesn't sound like the current situation is going to work for either of you long term!

I‘m not pregnant and have no children with asthma etc but I would still be fuming if someone smoked in my house.

@JC89 we have done as shes asked and sorted her going back.. she is actually going next week. My husband is driving her and her stuff there.. Will take 4 days.

She didnt get her dog vaccinated on time despite us repeatedly telling her to do it.. so he can't go on that date..bshe said 'well never mind husband can bring him another weekend' this is another 4 day drive she just assumes he will make for her.. this is just what she's like.

Has she always been this entitled? Glad to hear she’s going. She sounds like a nightmare.

It always tickles me when someone accuses someone else of being controlling, when actually they mean “you aren’t putting up with my bullshit”

I know it's really hard but unless you plan on doing exactly as she wants you need to leave her to it. It's difficult, but you won't be able to lecture, beg, guilt, etc. her into doing what makes the most sense. She's an adult and you have to leave her to it. I'm sorry, it sucks.