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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry my mum smoked inside my house?

75 replies

Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 09:32

To be extremely angry my mum was smoking inside my house? My children were there and I am pregnant. One of my children has asthma and has been in and out of hospital since birth. My mum has mobility issues. She usually sits outside on the bench but she said she didn't feel up to it so just opened the kitchen door and sat on a chair in the kitchen.
I Came in the room and absolutely lost myshit She temporarily lives with us.
It's the tip of the iceberg with her.
She acted so put upon when I got angry like I'm the most unreasonable person in the world. She said 'what was I supposed to do?' As though her need to smoke obviously has to come before my need to protect
I just need some reassurance I'm not overreacting. She does this any time I'm angry or make any mild criticism.. acts like I'm absolutely unhinged and shes this poor sad put upon martyr. She called me 'controlling' when i initially said she had to smoke outside.. but i did think she was adhearing to that

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 09/08/2023 10:54

I'm a smoker myself and think that's incredibly rude of her, let alone really bad because of your DC with asthma. Let her crack on, I think she's just being dramatic.

HeadacheEarthquake · 09/08/2023 10:57

I know it's not funny but I can literally only imagine madge from benidorm :/

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 11:01

If she needed help getting to the bench outside, she could have asked.

I would have just thrown all of her cigarettes away.

PandaPouch · 09/08/2023 11:03

I'm a smoker and I would be livid.

SamW98 · 09/08/2023 11:05

I’m not pregnant and have no health concerns but I would go apeshit if anyone smoked in my house.
I have friends who smoke and always go outside even if it’s snowing.

Your house your rules OP

Original poster
Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 11:06

@HeadacheEarthquake lmao!!

OP posts:
crazeekat · 09/08/2023 11:06

get down to the council
asap and register her homeless and disabled (if she is).
completely unacceptable and majorly disrespectful.

HappydaysArehere · 09/08/2023 11:07

Totally agree with you. My dd smokes but just knows we can’t stand it so goes outside even in the winter! She tells anyone who accompanies her that no one smokes in our house so it hasn’t been a problem.

Original poster
Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 11:08

@Busubaba to be fair there wasn't anyone there to ask as I had gone upstairs to rest as I just did a 12 hour night shift. She can't get all the way up to my bedroom. Altho I suppose she could have sent up one of my children.

OP posts:
crazeekat · 09/08/2023 11:09

crazeekat · 09/08/2023 11:06

get down to the council
asap and register her homeless and disabled (if she is).
completely unacceptable and majorly disrespectful.

sorry just reading rest of messages

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 11:10

Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 11:08

@Busubaba to be fair there wasn't anyone there to ask as I had gone upstairs to rest as I just did a 12 hour night shift. She can't get all the way up to my bedroom. Altho I suppose she could have sent up one of my children.

Then she needs to buy herself a summer frame.

I'd still bin the cigarettes.

Original poster
Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 11:12

@Busubaba she does have a variety of walking aids to choose from that are all in the kitchen. And the bench is literally next to the front door

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 09/08/2023 11:14

I think you/your husband should be prepared for the fact she’s going to become “ill” or *insert other excuse” before this four-day trip happens. She’ll attempt to lay on the guilt thick soon too.

Cowlover89 · 09/08/2023 11:18

YADNBU X

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 11:21

My husband would have lost his mind, and he would have kicked her out immediately. He has a visceral hatred of smoking. In 26 years it's pretty much the only thing I've seen him get really agitated about. He won't even allow his own parents to smoke anywhere on our property.

Your mother has got to go.

Original poster
Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 11:21

@Thebigblueballoon you are right. This has already begun. Shes been dropping things and acting bewildered the last few days.
She is actually ill and does have issues but she does play it up when anyone is unhappy with anything she's done. I've no doubt she is a bit anxious about going back but she has made this bed and there's literally no way she can stay here. We tried to help her. She's 6 months till the babys born and we offered to help her find somewhere to rent..vwe tried to get her to agree to a care act assessment to see what help she needed and if she'd get any financial help in funding that.. she refused to cooperate.

OP posts:
ActDottie · 09/08/2023 11:24

Yanbu!!! Smoking is disgusting anyway so smoking inside your home is even worse and so disrespectful!!

Ohpleeeease · 09/08/2023 11:29

I understand OP because I found myself in this situation, DM was a smoker and for similar reasons had to come and live with us. Luckily she had her own annexe but the smoke was pervasive and every time she came into our house the fug came with her. I felt it would have been mean to stop her smoking but neither did I enjoy living with it.

Being around smokers when you’re a non smoker can make your eyes and throat very sore. In your case you have legitimate health reasons not to have smoking in the house.. Your mum should smoke outside, or give up.

Duchessofspace · 09/08/2023 11:31

Take her back

Lindsey99 · 09/08/2023 11:32

I know she's your mum but if she wants to go back to her house abroad, let her. You can't be dealing with your mums behaviour as well, especially as she has little respect for you or her grandchildren!

KeepingMySpreadsheetUpToDate · 09/08/2023 11:35

based on what you are saying, i would argue that she doesnt have capacity. is she registered with a gp to start a referral type process to assess what she needs

Thebigblueballoon · 09/08/2023 11:36

Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 11:21

@Thebigblueballoon you are right. This has already begun. Shes been dropping things and acting bewildered the last few days.
She is actually ill and does have issues but she does play it up when anyone is unhappy with anything she's done. I've no doubt she is a bit anxious about going back but she has made this bed and there's literally no way she can stay here. We tried to help her. She's 6 months till the babys born and we offered to help her find somewhere to rent..vwe tried to get her to agree to a care act assessment to see what help she needed and if she'd get any financial help in funding that.. she refused to cooperate.

I’d put money on her inventing a “big problem” as soon as she arrives back home (if by some miracle she makes it that far) in the hope that the hassle will make you take her back.
You need to have a very frank discussion with her and point out that she isn’t equipped to live by herself. Either she sells up and moves closer to you, or stress that you’ll look to arrange a carer (on her cost) if there are any issues, should she stupidly choose to move abroad by herself. You won’t be making multiple four-day trips.

Original poster
Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 11:40

@KeepingMySpreadsheetUpToDate she is registered to the GP here. She does have capacity she just makes shit choices and she always has.. my husband and I both work in social/healthcare so know how to get on the pathway for her to be assessed for her care needs however as she has capacity we need her consent and cooperation to do this. We do not have that.

OP posts:
rwalker · 09/08/2023 11:40

Done it once she’ll do it again a lot of parents can’t get the head round the Balance of power has changed and they are no longer top of the tree

Ohpleeeease · 09/08/2023 11:54

This is so difficult for both of you. My DM loved her life abroad but there comes a time when they can’t cope alone and have to give it up. You are absolutely right to encourage her to sell up. In the short term she needs to rent somewhere local to you and get plugged into all the support networks available to her.

If your DF did all the financial stuff you might find some nasty shocks in terms of what needs paying where she currently lives, eg local taxes and community charges. If she can’t deal with these herself it really is time to come home.