Page 3 | To be angry my mum smoked inside my house?

Brightandshining · 2023-08-09T08:32:49+00:00

To be extremely angry my mum was smoking inside my house? My children were there and I am pregnant. One of my children has asthma and has been in and out of hospital since birth. My mum has mobility issues. She usually sits outside on the bench but she said she didn't feel up to it so just opened the kitchen door and sat on a chair in the kitchen. I Came in the room and absolutely lost myshit She temporarily lives with us. It's the tip of the iceberg with her. She acted so put upon when I got angry like I'm the most unreasonable person in the world. She said 'what was I supposed to do?' As though her need to smoke obviously has to come before my need to protect I just need some reassurance I'm not overreacting. She does this any time I'm angry or make any mild criticism.. acts like I'm absolutely unhinged and shes this poor sad put upon martyr. She called me 'controlling' when i initially said she had to smoke outside.. but i did think she was adhearing to that

Lindsey99 · 09/08/2023 12:07

I would not look at you and think obese. It appears you have a larger build and have a small child (weight gain from pregnancy and too much chocolate!. Well done on making some healthier choices. Take it slowly but most if all, enjoy your child and your life xx

Lindsey99 · 09/08/2023 12:11

To be honest, taking the dog is a small price to pay! Could you and the children go as well and turn it into a trip away after dropping the dog off? It really seems that what is happening is the best thing for you and your family x

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 09/08/2023 12:29

She absolutely will not be able to cope alone in her house abroad. Its very old, has 7 bedrooms and a swimming pool.. its in the middle of nowhere. Nearest shop is a drive away.

I know I’m completely missing the point but would you not want to move in with her?

Her home sounds like an absolute dream to raise children and it means your there keeping an eye on her.

She can afford to get help like carers and cleaners and so you wouldn’t have to do this for her.

You’d also not have to pay or pay as much as if you were living in your own property.

She sounds difficult but she also sounds lonely and in ill health.
If my elderly mum lived in a 7 bed house with s swimming pool in the middle of nowhere I’d seriously consider moving there.

EggOverEasy · 09/08/2023 13:43

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 09/08/2023 12:29

She absolutely will not be able to cope alone in her house abroad. Its very old, has 7 bedrooms and a swimming pool.. its in the middle of nowhere. Nearest shop is a drive away.

I know I’m completely missing the point but would you not want to move in with her?

Her home sounds like an absolute dream to raise children and it means your there keeping an eye on her.

She can afford to get help like carers and cleaners and so you wouldn’t have to do this for her.

You’d also not have to pay or pay as much as if you were living in your own property.

She sounds difficult but she also sounds lonely and in ill health.
If my elderly mum lived in a 7 bed house with s swimming pool in the middle of nowhere I’d seriously consider moving there.

But she'd have to agree to pay for carers and help. And even with plenty of money some people choose not to use it to make their lives better and want family to take care of their needs. Or in my maternal grandparents case, accept carers but then fire them all until there is no one left because they are in the middle of nowhere. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 14:02

How can the mother's home be a dream house when she's a fag ash Lil?

The house will stink.

Original poster

Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 20:04

@Busubaba when I went over there initially to try and sort the place a bit I remember cleaning the living room and the wall was a completely different colour behind pictures than the rest of it. I also washed what I thought was an Amber glass chandelier in the sink as I thought it might be dusty... it turned out to be bright blue.

I did think about moving there but its in the middle of nowhere how would we work? I do not drive. I am not fluent in the language altho I suppose that would improve in time... but most of all I do not want to be left alone with her at all because she makes me so miserable. I got left there for a few weeks alone trying to finish the cleaning when my dad initially died and you have never heard the way she spoke to me. The estate agent who came round actually took me to one side and asked if I was OK because she was so rude to me in front of her. She threatened to kill me in the legal offices we had to go to.
She also has hoarding and spending issues. The entire time I was there her income had been temporarily stopped but she was writing cheques to a bank account which was a thousand into its unwarranted overdraft to pay for the tax on qvc parcels.. then lying to me about it.. but obviously I'd be going to the gate to meet the postman.. who even said 'this is crazy why so many parcels!' Each one had tax of around 40 to pay to recieve and thats on top of what the item will have cost.
And she'd just lie to my face about it that she'd ordered it ages ago, but there was a steady stream of this stuff.
I dont think I could manage to live with her beautiful as the house is.
She expects a great deal also.. she expected even more there than she did here she wanted meals taking to her and just rejected loads of them because I didnt cook it rights. She threatened to kill herself when I tried to vacuum pack up some of her clothing hoard. It took me days to tidy her bedroom which spans the length of the whole house upstairs.. then she just started opening the vacuum packs again (even though there were still clothes inside the 10 wardrobes and 6 chests of drawers and multiple kallax units she could have used)
It was an utter nightmare but I thought maybe some of it is grief and things would improve over time but they have not improved.
I forgot what she was like or maybe I had blamed myself as a child. I left home at 16 and didn't have much to do with her. I always thought I was just a bit wayward as thats what I was told but looking back she was actually pretty abusive. Not so much physically but just extremely volatile and selfish. She locked me in the garden for a day once for example because I got over excited about going on a trip with my cousin. So we didn't go on the trip and she locked me in the garden.
They moved abroad when I was 20 and I visited them every couple of years and since I had kids every year. My main interactions were always with my dad though my mum was just kind of there.
I think I had this idealistic fairytale idea that I'd bring her here and we would bond and all be a family. I thought we will sell both houses mine and hers and all live together somewhere more suitable for her needs so we can care for her and she isn't alone.
But she's just not interested in anything but shopping for clothing at the expense of all other life activities.
Shes not asked me once about the baby. She hasn't asked to see the scan or asked when the due date is, nothing. And im 15 weeks.
She also massively favours my son over my daughter and has openly said so. (My daughter is the one with asthma)
Its just all really sad.

OP posts:

graceinspace999 · 09/08/2023 20:36

Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 20:04

@Busubaba when I went over there initially to try and sort the place a bit I remember cleaning the living room and the wall was a completely different colour behind pictures than the rest of it. I also washed what I thought was an Amber glass chandelier in the sink as I thought it might be dusty... it turned out to be bright blue.

I did think about moving there but its in the middle of nowhere how would we work? I do not drive. I am not fluent in the language altho I suppose that would improve in time... but most of all I do not want to be left alone with her at all because she makes me so miserable. I got left there for a few weeks alone trying to finish the cleaning when my dad initially died and you have never heard the way she spoke to me. The estate agent who came round actually took me to one side and asked if I was OK because she was so rude to me in front of her. She threatened to kill me in the legal offices we had to go to.
She also has hoarding and spending issues. The entire time I was there her income had been temporarily stopped but she was writing cheques to a bank account which was a thousand into its unwarranted overdraft to pay for the tax on qvc parcels.. then lying to me about it.. but obviously I'd be going to the gate to meet the postman.. who even said 'this is crazy why so many parcels!' Each one had tax of around 40 to pay to recieve and thats on top of what the item will have cost.
And she'd just lie to my face about it that she'd ordered it ages ago, but there was a steady stream of this stuff.
I dont think I could manage to live with her beautiful as the house is.
She expects a great deal also.. she expected even more there than she did here she wanted meals taking to her and just rejected loads of them because I didnt cook it rights. She threatened to kill herself when I tried to vacuum pack up some of her clothing hoard. It took me days to tidy her bedroom which spans the length of the whole house upstairs.. then she just started opening the vacuum packs again (even though there were still clothes inside the 10 wardrobes and 6 chests of drawers and multiple kallax units she could have used)
It was an utter nightmare but I thought maybe some of it is grief and things would improve over time but they have not improved.
I forgot what she was like or maybe I had blamed myself as a child. I left home at 16 and didn't have much to do with her. I always thought I was just a bit wayward as thats what I was told but looking back she was actually pretty abusive. Not so much physically but just extremely volatile and selfish. She locked me in the garden for a day once for example because I got over excited about going on a trip with my cousin. So we didn't go on the trip and she locked me in the garden.
They moved abroad when I was 20 and I visited them every couple of years and since I had kids every year. My main interactions were always with my dad though my mum was just kind of there.
I think I had this idealistic fairytale idea that I'd bring her here and we would bond and all be a family. I thought we will sell both houses mine and hers and all live together somewhere more suitable for her needs so we can care for her and she isn't alone.
But she's just not interested in anything but shopping for clothing at the expense of all other life activities.
Shes not asked me once about the baby. She hasn't asked to see the scan or asked when the due date is, nothing. And im 15 weeks.
She also massively favours my son over my daughter and has openly said so. (My daughter is the one with asthma)
Its just all really sad.

This started out as annoyance about smoking.
Now it’s developed into an account of an abusive childhood.

Do you think you could be looking for permission to let her fend for herself?

It’s so difficult for daughters.

Plenty of people will guilt you into looking after her but maybe your best option might be to take her back to her big house and let her live as she chooses.

It looks to me like she really wants her old messy smoky life more than she wants to sit on a bench in her daughter’s garden.

Snugglemonkey · 09/08/2023 20:38

Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 09:47

She is leaving but stupidly has demanded to go back to her house abroad... because I told her she needed to find somewhere to rent here and she needed to hire herself a cleaner or PA as when the baby is born I won't be able to do this for her. And she angrily said she would just go back to her house...

She says she can't afford to rent anywhere. She gets 3.5k a month. I know that because I set it up for her when dad died. She gets his pensions, hers and her disability benefits. She has no mortgage. She has insurance to pay on the house abroad but I just got a letter saying she hasn't paid it for months. She could afford to rent somewhere she just wants to stay here for free.

Just let her go back if she wants.

Lovetotravel123 · 09/08/2023 20:40

I would be so annoyed at this. The smell then stays, even with just one cigarette.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/08/2023 20:45

Thebigblueballoon · 09/08/2023 11:14

I think you/your husband should be prepared for the fact she’s going to become “ill” or *insert other excuse” before this four-day trip happens. She’ll attempt to lay on the guilt thick soon too.

I couldn't agree more - insisting she'll go may well be a useful guilt trip, but I'll be amazed iff she actually does go when the time comes

Olika · 09/08/2023 20:47

I would be livid

Original poster

Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 22:46

She is going back in a few days. There was no question of 'not letting her' she can do as she pleases i just think its a bad idea and will put her at risk. But I've completely facilitated her going as she wants. My husband is driving her there. Im not trying to force her to stay. Theres just much more sensible things she could have done that would actually work for her and its very frustrating because I know im going to be the one receiving messages from her friends over there asking why I've allowed this to happen and what am I going to do to help.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 09/08/2023 22:50

Smokers are selfish shits. We're encouraged to see them as victims and poor them, but their selfish habit affects those around them.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 22:58

I was diagnosed asthmatic at 27. Years of passive smoking. Dm and dgm. Even in the car back in the 70's... Yanbu to protect your dc op..

Catsmere · 09/08/2023 22:59

If going back puts her at risk that's on her, OP. She sounds appalling, with the smoking (which I absolutely loathe, I would never let a smoker live with me) the least of it. Block her friends (I gather they're not helping her) if they harass you. You aren't responsible for her.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/08/2023 23:12

Good Lord, she sounds absolutely vile, just take her back, keep the dog, it would be cruel to send it to live with her and just wait for the news of her passing.

wanttokickoffbutcant · 09/08/2023 23:20

i am a smoker and would go mad if anyone smoked in my house

Original poster

Brightandshining · 10/08/2023 00:05

@TomatoSandwiches sadly we will not be able to keep the dog. We have no garden and are roadside a busy road. The dog is also very anxious and needy and dislikes children. He has bitten both my children and random people out and about.. as a result is muzzled which is not fair on him. He's from a very rural area and not used to people. This is not a good environment for him. Im going to give her opportunity to sort out some way of getting him back across, will even accept her just financing my husband driving him back across at a later date.. but if she doesnt do this within a month of leaving im going to contact dogs trust and see if we can find him a better home.

OP posts:

AuntMarch · 10/08/2023 00:12

My dad doesn't even smoke in his own house when he knows DC are going to visit. Crazy entitlement.

Let her think you're going OTT (you aren't), maybe she'll decide you're too much and she can't stay with you any more.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 10/08/2023 00:36

Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 22:46

She is going back in a few days. There was no question of 'not letting her' she can do as she pleases i just think its a bad idea and will put her at risk. But I've completely facilitated her going as she wants. My husband is driving her there. Im not trying to force her to stay. Theres just much more sensible things she could have done that would actually work for her and its very frustrating because I know im going to be the one receiving messages from her friends over there asking why I've allowed this to happen and what am I going to do to help.

Have a reply ready for yhem, along through lines of
'We do not agree with her moving back and tried all ways of getting her to remain in uk near family. However after seeking advice we have been advised that there is nothing we are able to do and this is all on her own decision'

Fraaahnces · 10/08/2023 00:40

Wow… your life is going to be so much easier without Cruella de Vile… I know she’s your mum, and you will still worry about her when she’s home despite how horrible she’s been. Mine was similar. Gambling problems, abusive to me, favoured my son over my daughters (and brother over me)… She was always a horrible person and didn’t mellow on her deathbed. She became worse, as any filter she had previously had fell away. I think you’re absolutely right to leave her to it. It may or may not hasten her demise, but you know in your heart of hearts that you tried.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2023 00:43

Brightandshining · 10/08/2023 00:05

@TomatoSandwiches sadly we will not be able to keep the dog. We have no garden and are roadside a busy road. The dog is also very anxious and needy and dislikes children. He has bitten both my children and random people out and about.. as a result is muzzled which is not fair on him. He's from a very rural area and not used to people. This is not a good environment for him. Im going to give her opportunity to sort out some way of getting him back across, will even accept her just financing my husband driving him back across at a later date.. but if she doesnt do this within a month of leaving im going to contact dogs trust and see if we can find him a better home.

That's unfortunate but understandable.
I'm so sorry your mother is like this.

Hivaluegirl · 10/08/2023 02:28

Yes I would be angry. I had an ex who use to do this when I returned from work, he thought spraying and opening windows would let the fumes out. Non smokers can smell smoke from a mile off!
Burn some incense

Gymnopedie · 10/08/2023 03:05

My husband is driving her there.

Tell him to make sure he comes back without her. Because that's the other possibility, that she goes and when she gets there and sees the house she changes her mind.

Irridescantshimmmer · 10/08/2023 04:43

I know you are not over reacting.

You are a good mother and you are protecting your children, threaten her with eviction if she does this again as her actions could have devastating consequences for your unborn child and your child with severe asthma. More is understood about the obnoxious effects smokers and smoking can have on children, as well as unborn babies.

If you do eventually make her homeless, don't go feeling guilty about it either. You have to give priority to your babies.