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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Life insurance - stepchild.

84 replies

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 05:38

Hi
have my own DC and a Step DC.
they are loved equally in every way.
step DC mum lost custody of them when they were a baby via social services.
unfortunately The sudden passing of ex DP has been challenging for all involved and there is now a custody battle going on.
there is an inheritance including a house which the bulk was left to myself - who they also had left guardianship to.
long term we do not know what will happen with DSC.
regarding the money however their mother would like me to put it in a trust fund, she doesn’t want me to refuse my part because then it would be split equally between the others listed and wouldn’t help step DC out either apart from some would go to his part but not all.
however I’m now a single mum on universal credits as well as working and so this would potentially mean I would lose all help from universal credits ?
they are of course furious but I am not doing it out of spite. I will of course try anyway I can but I can’t survive without UC if I put the whole money in to a trust fund !
an I in the wrong and should I find another way to survive ?

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 09/08/2023 08:07

I am sorry for your loss. 💐
I think you need proper legal advice re the money.

In regards to SDC, is there a specific reason (neglect, ect.) as to why SDC was placed with yourselves? As I think this also needs to be taken into account when looking at custody. Again, you need someone who specialises in this area.

and with all the legal stuff being thrown about, I doubt there will be much money left

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:09

Sorry I will explain

no the bulk is left directly to me from the LI,
which will be around 60k

the kids have a smaller portion.

they want it all to go to DCS

OP posts:
Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:11

@Ylvamoon DSC always lived with DP then both is us since he was a few months old due to abandonment and neglect.
as time went on contact centre was granted via court.
now she wants them to be removed to a family member whilst she can prove herself.

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 09/08/2023 08:17

You have the interests of the child at the centre. You are in the right. I would judge you - that you are doing what is right and questioning if I’d be as strong as you. Ignore her - I think her motivation is money and money alone.
I hope you win for the child’s sake. Good luck.

ithinkhesawus · 09/08/2023 08:21

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:09

Sorry I will explain

no the bulk is left directly to me from the LI,
which will be around 60k

the kids have a smaller portion.

they want it all to go to DCS

No. The dscs' share can go to them. You cannot give away your DC's share.

I would try and delay the decision until the custody is sorted tbh

Nazzywish · 09/08/2023 08:21

OP you sound like a gem of a step mother and just a thoroughly decent human being,well done for fighting DSC corner.

Reading between the lines it looks like she clued up to how much money DSC is due to inherit from dad and you and she is now after the kid because she thinks she'll have access to that money eventually as hers.and if she gets custody likely she'll squander it away on herself. She's an opportunity and the opportunity has arisen for her to get her win, bit crass but people like her deserve no nice descriptions. She has also clearly thought about her sister as alternative as realistically speaking she'd still get access to money if DSC goes to her and tbh has probably even cut her sister some kind of a deal financially for putting her name forward if custody battle is successful. The DSC will without doubt get nothing and she will be a crap parent especially if she wasn't interested before this sudden influx of money for kids.

I'd be minded to tell her that even if she wins the custody battle you'll not be giving DSC any share if what was left to you and you'll be keeping it all as technically its been left to yours. Either she will drop the custody battle ( make sure you convince her you'd carry through) or she'd try eek it out but I'd say give it a year or so of having DSC and she'd happily hand him back to you when she realises she's not getting any of the money. Be smart OP and play the game she's playing. Totally shit that you have to but flush her out and it'll be a pain for a year or so but in the long run DSC would be with u. U get money to use to look after all ur kids etc and when it runs out or u need it then resubmit for benefits. Maybe look at trusts for kids after if you don't need it day to day but get proper legal advice. There will be a way around it.

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:24

I know and I am trying but she will say things if We don’t agree like “ if x gets custody you will never see x again “ and I have just tried to stay mutual the whole time. We have already started the living arrangements process and the first hurdle went in my favour. Just the more it goes on the more panicky I get.

OP posts:
JanieEyre · 09/08/2023 08:26

Are social services involved with the custody issue? I would have thought they'd take the attitude that the mother has had a long time time to prove herself, for example by turning up at the contact centre. I also wonder whether she or her sister really has any idea of the reality of bringing up a non-verbal autistic child. It could be worth at some point you spelling that out for them.

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:29

@JanieEyre yes they are but tbh the courts are doing more. The issue regarding PR is a big one. It reality at the beginning it seemed simple now I feel like our whole lives are being invaded. I have absolutely no concern with raising DSC, for as long as I shall live they will always have a home with me, but she is making our lives hell and that’s what’s concerning me. I will have to co parent.

OP posts:
JobMatch3000 · 09/08/2023 08:36

As I understand, Birth Mum is pissed off that £60k has been left to you and not DSC? Tough. It's yours.

Yes, your UC will stop but you will have this money for your life expenses instead, including covering your maternity leave etc.

You do not have to put anything "in Trust" for DSC or your DD. You can just open a regular child's savings account or ISA in their name.

Even if BM or the Aunt get custody, you do not need to hand over DSC's share. Just send them annual bank statements showing the money is held in DSC's name and say you will pass the money directly to DSC when they are 18.

JobMatch3000 · 09/08/2023 08:37

I would also ask MN to move your post to the Legal section. There are some very helpful posters on there.

GoodChat · 09/08/2023 08:40

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 07:41

@GoodChat im not sure if that was meant to be sarcastic on not ( sorry I’m tired ) I am sure there is some part of me that of course wants them to stay and I would miss them very much. However the reason I am fighting it is because This has always been their home and all they know.

Sorry, no, it was meant to be supportive of you but I can see how it was written poorly!

I meant that the other adults seem to be looking out for themselves but with no consideration for you being left to care for 3 children, one of whom isn't yours but you've raised as your own for all this time, yet all they're shouting about is money and custody they've been proven not to deserve

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:44

@GoodChat haha that’s ok ! It was super early in the morning.
it’s very strange this is the first time I think I have openly spoken about it.
honestly this time 6 months ago I lived such a normal life that from the outside it almost seemed perfect.
good DP, beautiful children a house both has jobs so although not financially flash we were okay.
now I’m sat with the kids in bed, not knowing what is going to happen.
i have not even had time to cry let alone or profess anything.
it’s non stop organising something, sorting some paper work or a meeting with X Y and Z.

OP posts:
AxolotlEars · 09/08/2023 09:02

Sorry for your loss.
Money left to you is yours. If there was a will then they could try and contest but it rarely succeeds. You can do what you like with the money. What do you suppose mum and sister will do about custody when you say no? If you would like to leave money to your step daughter when you die, reflecting what you inherited from your partner, that would be a kind thing to do.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 09/08/2023 09:08

The house that's been left to you, is there any mortgage on it? If not, could you use some of the money to pay off the remaining mortgage?

You may need to just accept forfeiting UC and use the 60k to live off.

Do make it clear to DSC mother that the money is yours and even if her sister gets custody, the money won't be coming her way, it will still remain in your possession for you to live off.

Please OP (and I'm sure you're going to anyway), get proper legal advice. This is too risky to not cover your back

Good luck.

TakenRoot · 09/08/2023 09:10

So, so sorry OP about the death of your DP.

This is AIBU, not ‘Legal’ and most posts miss the fact that a Will and a payout by a life insurance Co are actually different things, and that an insurance payment is not the same as an inheritance.

The insurance payment will be clear about the terms.

Was the house in both your names? Owned as ‘joint tenants’ or ‘tenants in common’?

I am assuming you were not married as you use ‘DP’ rather than. DH?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 09/08/2023 09:23

I am so sorry for your loss, but you sound like a gem.
Not to do with the inheritance but something that struck me, Dsc has additional needs? Do they receive dla (or pip)? along with cb that would be a considerable amount to be paid to anyone else that gets custody.

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 09:28

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow yes he does I’m in the process but needed to wait for a court letter first I’m switching it accounts ( was previously in DP)
its been a process but slowly and surely it’s all coming together I’m that way.
I now have PR and we didn’t claim UC before so have sorted that out to.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 09/08/2023 09:38

Can I ask - did your DP have a workplace pension? If so, have you checked if there is also any money payable on this? Either to yourself or his DC?

User37652 · 09/08/2023 09:38

From the way you have explained it, it sounds like your DSc’s mum wasn’t interested in raising the child until she found out there was a lump sum of money involved. If you make it very clear that it is your inheritance and the money stays with you, you may find that she has no interest in going after custody after all. In which case, you keep the child and the money and do what you need with it.
If you make it clear she will not be getting the money and she still wants custody then maybe it’s because she has changed and wants access to her child, in which case some of the money in a trust fund for when the child turns 18/21 is probably a good idea.
You need to speak to a solicitor to find the best solution.

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 09:43

@User37652 i have no idea about if it’s about the money or not to be honest. I think there is an underlining control thing to. It’s been like it for years just no court would ever budge. She tends to want DSC on and off basis. The sister is the perfect solution on her mind because she can still live her life with having access to DSC when she pleases . I am 100 percent sure she would never cope full time. However I don’t think it’s all about the money. I do think she loves them but she isn’t well enough and doesn’t have the capacity is what the main issue has always been.

OP posts:
Fuckingfuming1 · 09/08/2023 09:48

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 06:23

@Zonder the issue currently she is staying that if her assessment fails then she wants DSC to go to her sister and they have both come forward.

I don’t think they get to choose who the child goes to if it doesn’t go to her she gets no say.

It is highly highly unlikely that any judge will disrupt child without good reason, and move them to an auntie’s house.

I think you need to do what you need to do for you. Personally, I would find another way to survive other than universal credits only because they’re so flaky I’m told nobody wants to rely on them

JudgeJ · 09/08/2023 09:51

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:11

@Ylvamoon DSC always lived with DP then both is us since he was a few months old due to abandonment and neglect.
as time went on contact centre was granted via court.
now she wants them to be removed to a family member whilst she can prove herself.

How much contact did she have with her child before there was money on the table? Had she paid child support for her child while the OP and her partner were doing the hard work?

Decemberstartsonsunday · 09/08/2023 09:52

Sorry for your loss OP and all the stree you are under. 🌺
How is the BM contacting you OP?

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 09:53

@Fuckingfuming1 long term o won’t need UC but there is no way right now for the next year at least upping my hours are not an option.
I worked full time until It was impossible for both of us to work full
time with the additional needs and lack of school.
but right now upping my hours with additional needs / grieving children / pregnant and a custody battle seems impossible. So I applied to get us through this.

OP posts: