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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Life insurance - stepchild.

84 replies

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 05:38

Hi
have my own DC and a Step DC.
they are loved equally in every way.
step DC mum lost custody of them when they were a baby via social services.
unfortunately The sudden passing of ex DP has been challenging for all involved and there is now a custody battle going on.
there is an inheritance including a house which the bulk was left to myself - who they also had left guardianship to.
long term we do not know what will happen with DSC.
regarding the money however their mother would like me to put it in a trust fund, she doesn’t want me to refuse my part because then it would be split equally between the others listed and wouldn’t help step DC out either apart from some would go to his part but not all.
however I’m now a single mum on universal credits as well as working and so this would potentially mean I would lose all help from universal credits ?
they are of course furious but I am not doing it out of spite. I will of course try anyway I can but I can’t survive without UC if I put the whole money in to a trust fund !
an I in the wrong and should I find another way to survive ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 06:51

@YetMoreNewBeginnings probably as well as control.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 09/08/2023 06:51

Ultimately it’s none of her business. Advise her the money will be spend raising the child but should he/she not be in your care then their share will go to them upon your death.

DustyLee123 · 09/08/2023 06:53

The money was left to you. It’s yours to do what YOU want, not what someone wants you to do.
Get the custody sorted first, then decide what to do from there.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 06:59

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 06:51

@YetMoreNewBeginnings probably as well as control.

I’d just refuse any further conversation about it.

It was left to you.

If they won residency and felt the child was provided for they could try and claim against the estate, but you don’t need to entertain that atm.

Your money. You have a will that leaves a fair share to DSC when the time comes (I assume). End of.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 07:03

*wasn’t provided for

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 07:04

Thank you - it’s been such a long few months it’s hard not to keep questioning things in your head and at the moment I assume to others I just look like “ a step mum trying to steal their child “ because that’s their narrative. So then try to do the right thing but realise I need to be firmer.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 09/08/2023 07:11

You really do need specialist advice OP.

Funds in trust can be counted as capital for benefits, and if the value of the fund is over £16k you could lose your UC entitlement completely.

The rules around trusts are complex, but if the money is in a "discretionary trust", where the trustees control how the money is used, it is disregarded. A solicitor who deals with trusts will know exactly how to set up a trust to do this.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 09/08/2023 07:14

I am sorry for your loss.
Don't give away or put into a trust any money until you have taken legal advice. If your partner had intended the money to be split and put into trusts, they should have stated this in their will. As it stands, as I understand you have inherited everything to enable you to raise the children. I think the idea of trust funds is lovely, but I don't think they are a luxury you can afford. Don't let the ex dictate what happens with money you inherited, but if her or her sister get custody, then ask her to apply for a challenge to the will so that money is taken officially, not given away by you.

LakieLady · 09/08/2023 07:16

Be careful of what UC call "intentional deprivation of capital" because if they consider you have deliberately given away money in order to remain eligible for benefits they will treat you as though you still have the money anyway!

Sound advice, @BoobsOnTheMoon . I very much suspect that unless the will specified that the money should go into trust, who can benefit and that trustees control how the money should be used, the DWP would take exactly that view.

Malificent1 · 09/08/2023 07:17

I’m so sorry for the loss of your partner.

The money is yours. She’s making herself sound as though she only wants her child back in order to try to get the money. But if the money/house was left to you, and not the child, then even if she won the custody battle she still wouldn’t be entitled to take your inheritance. This needs to be pointed out to her, preferably by a solicitor. She might just disappear.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 07:20

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 07:04

Thank you - it’s been such a long few months it’s hard not to keep questioning things in your head and at the moment I assume to others I just look like “ a step mum trying to steal their child “ because that’s their narrative. So then try to do the right thing but realise I need to be firmer.

I’d bet very few people see you like that.

That you’ve done the bulk of the child’s care and still want to, even though you could just walk away, will be showing everyone (bar one or two determined not to see it) that you really care for the child.

Children with additional needs are hard. To be willing to fight to keep the child in their home, their routine and with their siblings despite the difficulties shows that you are a very good person.

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 07:24

@YetMoreNewBeginnings i hope so. During the chaos it feels like I haven’t had any time to just I don’t know .. think.
the kids are siblings ( non biological ) and I’m 22 weeks pregnant with their biological sibling.
they are as happy as they can be in this situation, and thriving in their schools I just feel like everything is being ripped apart. Instead of being what’s best for DSC it’s all about” keeping it fair on the adults”

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 07:34

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 07:24

@YetMoreNewBeginnings i hope so. During the chaos it feels like I haven’t had any time to just I don’t know .. think.
the kids are siblings ( non biological ) and I’m 22 weeks pregnant with their biological sibling.
they are as happy as they can be in this situation, and thriving in their schools I just feel like everything is being ripped apart. Instead of being what’s best for DSC it’s all about” keeping it fair on the adults”

The courts will look at what is best for the children.

You’re doing what you can so try and ignore the noise from them as much as possible and focus on yourself and the children

im sorry for your loss

Soontobe60 · 09/08/2023 07:36

Your post is a little confusing. Have I got this right?
Your ex DP, who had a child that lived with both of you, has died. His will states that he has left you X amount, and also states that he wants you to become his child’s guardian. The child’s mother is disputing this and wants the child to live with her or her sister. You are on UC. Child’s mum wants the money left to you to be placed in a trust for the child. Where is the child currently living?

If that’s correct then there’s a couple of things you need to know. First of all, a Will can contain wishes regarding a child and who that child’s guardian should be, but ultimately it’s for the Courts to make that decision. It will be made in the child’s best interest, similar to an adoption process.
Second, if you decide to give the money you’ve inherited to someone else (including putting it in a trust) then your UC will definitely be stopped, as it will be deliberate deprivation of assets. Either way, you will lose your UC until such point as the money drops below a certain amount.

GoodChat · 09/08/2023 07:37

Instead of being what’s best for DSC it’s all about” keeping it fair on the adults”

And I'd bet that means all the other adults but not you, right?

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 07:39

@Soontobe60 DSC is currently with me. I have PR as well
but they are disputing this but this at the moment is in process so we do not know long term what they outcome will be as of yet.
Yes I’m aware about the issues surrounding inheritance and UC which is why I asked if I was being unreasonable to keep the inheritance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 07:41

@GoodChat im not sure if that was meant to be sarcastic on not ( sorry I’m tired ) I am sure there is some part of me that of course wants them to stay and I would miss them very much. However the reason I am fighting it is because This has always been their home and all they know.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 09/08/2023 07:48
  1. The estate. The will, or intestate rules if no will, determine how it is left. Are they proposing formally disputing the will?
  1. The life insurance. This is either written it trust and then usually falls outside the estate - in which case the life insurance company undertake various procedures to determine who to pay out to. If not written in trust it would fall in to the estate and follow pt 1 above.

The mother can tell you whatever she wants. Unless she follows due legal procedure, takes the matter to court, and wins, you don't have to take any notice of her.

Is there written evidence that the life insurance was intended to go directly to the children, rather than for eg pay off the mortgage?
Sounds to me that you are the beneficiary of the estate and you are the beneficiary of the life insurance, and there will be very little she can do.

Above all I'd suggest getting legal advice on this matter, hopefully to put your mind at rest and so that you don't unecessarily give away any of these assets - which you are going to need.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Teaandbiscuits1234 · 09/08/2023 07:49

Nothing to advise just a message of support❤hope you’re doing okay sounds like a lot to deal with by yourself

autienotnaughti · 09/08/2023 07:50

Definitely keep the inheritance as you need it to raise your children. Do you have a will, is your inheritance when you die to be split between all children? That's when the money will be split. I assume your children aren't getting a trust fund? Hopefully you will be the one raising the child but if not then they are choosing to take that responsibility on.

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 07:53

@autienotnaughti there was some left to the children individually ( minus the newest addition )

regarding mine, it’s left to both mine and DSC.

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 09/08/2023 07:54

I’ve skimmed through, however if there’s money due to the child then it shouldn’t affect UC instantly. As you may well already know, money such as DLA can go into your account but if you go over the limit of deductions you have (I believe) a year leeway to either spend it or put it in the child’s account. It may be the same for trust fund money, if you can prove to UC it’s not yours to keep.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 07:58

Sibling relationships are held in very high regard in court. Given your 'investment' of nurturing to your dsc would they really be happier with strangers?

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:03

@Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand that’s what I hope for.
i have been part time working since he was diagnosed. I know people don’t like step mums over stepping but he was never a step child to me. He was just one of us. Mum had contact 1-2 times a month in a contact centre that wasn’t stuck to most of the time.

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 09/08/2023 08:06

So where is the 60k from the life insurance that was directly left to DSC at the moment? I'm just a bit confused by your OP and updates as it seems as though this money is currently floating around but not being taken into consideration by UC at the moment. Obviously if the BM did win the custody battle then she couldn't take anything directly left to you and you shouldn't give it to her.

I agree with the others that your case to remain as DSC's primary carer sounds strong.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and to be pregnant while this is all going on must be so hard.