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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be livid that my dad used the P word to describe people from Pakistan

98 replies

SaveScrabulous · 27/02/2008 22:33

I'm really shocked and have just yelled at him for using the four letter P word to describe people of Pakistani origin.

In my house. I feel like kicking him out.

OP posts:
Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 27/02/2008 22:34

He is now arguing to dh that where he is from (my dad) up north people from Pakistan call themselves Pakis so it's ok?

I'm not convinced. Is there maybe a North South divide on this?

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 27/02/2008 22:36

People from pakistan are naturally proud of where they are form and call themselves Pakistanis.

I call myself Scottish

Are you objecting cos he shortened it ? or because he meant it in a derogatory rather than descriptive way?

PussinJimmyChoos · 27/02/2008 22:36

Ahh but black people use the N word to describe themselves and its ok, but its not ok for others to use it...its the same with the P word! DH's friend is Pakistani and he frequently uses it as a friendly description but we couldn't do the same...

Does that make sense?

RedJools · 27/02/2008 22:37

I think its a generation thing too. My gran was awful for calling people of different races by really un-PC names, but I think it used to be the norm!

Lauriefairycake · 27/02/2008 22:38

Usually the problem though is with people calling all Indians the P word (very bad and lazy racism)

beaniesteve · 27/02/2008 22:38

in what context did he use it? Personally I would never use the word.

OH and as far as the N word is concerned I am sorry but 'black people use it' is never a good enough excuse for anyone to use it. Also you forgot the word some as in SOME black people use it. SOME black people find it very offensive.

PeachesMcLean · 27/02/2008 22:38

Hmm. I'm from up north and I don't recall it being at all ok.

Tricky because what people call themselves is often different to what it's ok for other people to call them. That might be contentious but as a basic rule I think it applies.

Apparently the Australians say Paki without any sense of derision. However, I grew up with people who would talk about "paki bashing" so I would say it's a million miles from acceptable here.

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 27/02/2008 22:39

He shortened it and was saying it whilst making negative comments about people from Pakistan.

He never used to say that sort of thing and I'm quite shocked.

I still want to get to the bottom of whether somehow this is ok in the North?? I find this rather unlikely.

OP posts:
Ledodgy · 27/02/2008 22:40

If he said it in a degrogatory way then yes i'd be angry. However if he said it because he knows no better and it's generational i'd tell him that it's not acceptable anymore and go from there.

beaniesteve · 27/02/2008 22:41

YANBU then. It's almost always about context. His excuse that (some) Pakistanis use it does not wash if he was using it in racist or derogatory way. I too would be livid.

On the other hand - is this really the first time you have heard him being racist?

Emprexia · 27/02/2008 22:43

How old is your dad?

Mine is 58 this year and i've heard him say it once or twice.. my 86yr old Grandad says it all the time.

They both know i don't like it and while i don't tell my Grandad off, i always pull my dad up on it.

YANBU

girlfrommars · 27/02/2008 22:43

Grew up in the north.
Heard it used there, to my friend (17 at the time) by a random person in the street who shouted, "Go home paki!" at her.
Heard it as a young child shouted at asian boys I was friends with.

It is vile and completely unacceptable, north or south.

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 27/02/2008 22:44

I think it is to be honest. And given he is married to a woman of Jewish origin (my mum) and my dh is of Indian origin it is particularly grating with me and odd. Like he thinks it's ok to pick on Muslims. What a small minded attitude.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 27/02/2008 22:46

Perhaps by having the discussion with you and your husband he will go away having learned something. Try to explain calmly I guess.

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 27/02/2008 22:47

or just escape to MN and the computer and leave my dh to it perhaps as he is much more patient!

I'm so embarrassed that he has said this.

OP posts:
PABLOP · 27/02/2008 22:51

Nope it is not okay in the North, I am from the North (some) people of Pakistani origin call themselves it, thats the only time its okay, There is a fine line between racism and ignorance, if your dad is trying to justify it then imo its probably ignorance. I'm sure you would know if he as racist, if someone is ignorant then they just need educating. I never condone anybody saying it and will tell them they are out of order if they say it in my presence. That usually does the job, if you get bollocked you tend to think before you say it again.

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 27/02/2008 22:55

I've asked him not to say this in our house. After he said it AGAIN. He has now had a strop and says he is getting a taxi to a hotel!??!

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Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 27/02/2008 22:58

oh blimey now I've said 'don't spout racist crap like this in my house' and he has blown a fuse about MY language......!!!! Don't talk about me like that etc he is saying.....

Ha so he doesn't like his views being called 'crap' - rather minor compared to his terms me thinks.

OP posts:
PeachesMcLean · 27/02/2008 22:58

That's not good.

You did say you feel like kicking him out

Sorry to hear this has escalated so badly.

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 27/02/2008 23:00

it's so not what I need right now having had a miscarriage earlier this week (he doesn't know - just knows I was in hospital overnight for tests)
Can you tell he and I don't normally get on !!?

ARGH!!!

I am so utterly embarrassed that he has said all this in front of my dh.

OP posts:
Caz10 · 27/02/2008 23:02

my FIL uses the term all the time, i hate it. dh would never say it, but lets his dad away with it, says it's "generational". Trouble is, i have heard his grand daughter (16) say it too, in a really derogatory way...it might be generational but it has to stop somewhere.

dd is 11wks old, but if he ever talks like that round her it will be a different story!!

poor you ss - i hope you get it sorted.

PeachesMcLean · 27/02/2008 23:03

Don't be embarrassed. I'd be amazed if your DH thinks you're responsible for your father's attitudes. And he'll have worked out some time ago that you don't share them.

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 27/02/2008 23:05

dh totally does know that but I can guarantee every time something re my dad comes up in front of our friends he'll remind me of this/ mention it and talk about how my dad calls people pakis. I'm mortified.

OP posts:
PeachesMcLean · 27/02/2008 23:06

oh that's helpful of him.

PeachesMcLean · 27/02/2008 23:13

Have you had chance to tell him how embarrassed you are? Can you ask him to just NOT mention it to anyone?

Look, no-ones going to judge you cos your dad says stupid things. And if they do, they're idiots as well. But if your DH is going to respect how you feel, you need to be sure he's going to keep his mouth shut. No need to refer back to examples demonstrating why you think he might do this, just tell him you feel embarrassed. Then if he does say it in public, you have the opportunity to jsut respond pleasantly with "I asked you not to talk about that cos I feel so bad about it. Anyway... blah blah..."

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