Was I wrong and harsh for stating this?

DatingMum57789 · 2023-08-08T08:30:41+00:00

I’ve been dating someone for 5 months now - we are exclusively only dating each other but she is too scared to actually commit and call it a relationship yet. I’m not one to do things half-heartedly or half-arsed so when a conversation came up about our relationship status I said that I was technically single because she doesn’t want to fully commit to me yet and that 5 months is long enough to be stuck in this in-between limbo stage, so that until she does commit properly, I do class myself as single. This didn’t go down very well and really upset her, was I wrong and harsh to say this?

KrisAkabusi · 08/08/2023 09:35

I think 5 months is a bit soon to be demanding commitment. You seem to have been very blunt about it all, and it wasn't the most romantic way to discuss a relationship! You're also very blunt/rude in how you're describing her here. Quite honestly, in her shoes I'd be binning you off as too intense.

floribunda18 · 08/08/2023 09:37

Just say she's your girlfriend or friend FFS.

No-one wants to know chapter and verse on who else you might be shagging.

JMSA · 08/08/2023 09:38

I agree with you, OP. It's been 5 months, not 5 dates!
To me, it sounds like she's hedging her bets.

Original poster

DatingMum57789 · 08/08/2023 09:38

I don’t think it’s too soon when she’s already said how she feels about me yet can’t commit? And no-one is shagging anyone else, I just don’t want to spend another 5-6 months not knowing where I stand with someone?

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 08/08/2023 09:41

If its not working for you move on I cannot stand the angst in new relationships either your together or your casually dating them plus others

Original poster

DatingMum57789 · 08/08/2023 09:43

@Theunamedcat I’m exactly the same - it’s like after 5 months I know if I want to be with someone or not - I just feel like I’m being strung a long a bit so I’ve kind of put my foot down and said no if you’re not going to commit to me then I’m single 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Campervangirl · 08/08/2023 09:47

Nowt wrong with saying what you feel, it's better than bottling it up, she knows where you stand now.
The balls in her court.
I think you were right to express your thoughts

milkydress · 08/08/2023 09:47

Totally get what you are saying OP. 5 months is long enough to call it a relationship! I wonder if she is just scared of calling it a relationship? What does a relationship mean to her? What were her past relationships like?
I think you need to iron out where you stand with her. Maybe do it gently but you need to know how she sees you and her. Good luck!

Elsiebear90 · 08/08/2023 09:50

I agree with you OP, 5 months is plenty long enough to decide if you want a relationship with someone or not. I dated someone like this, we were 3/4 months in and I asked if we were in a relationship or not and if she was seeing anyone else, she was very cagey about it and reluctant to “put a label” on anything, turns out she was seeing another girl behind my back.

TedMullins · 08/08/2023 09:54

You were absolutely right. Relationship time wasters are so tedious. Don’t let her guilt trip you for being honest about your feelings and what you want - but remember you can’t force her to feel a way she doesn’t, so forget the rights and wrongs for a minute and remember that if she can’t meet your needs you are free to walk away.

GrumpyOldCrone · 08/08/2023 09:56

What did she want you to say? How does she define her relationship status? I don’t think I understand her perspective. However, I also don’t really understand why you’re still trying to work things out with her because it sounds like you’re not very compatible.

neverbeenskiing · 08/08/2023 10:00

So she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but doesn't want you to date anyone else and would be upset if you referred to yourself as single? That makes no sense! She can't have it both ways.

In your shoes I'd probably call time on this now, OP. She doesn't know what she wants.

Middleagedmeangirls · 08/08/2023 10:00

I think you are in a no man's land atm. Rather than being in a relationship or single you are 'seeing someone'. That's fine if it suits you both but you want commitment and it isn't unreasonable to want clarity after 5 months.

I think if she isn't prepared to define the two of you as being in a relationship by now then the harsh truth is that she just isn't that into you. Time to move on.

WhateverMate · 08/08/2023 10:10

YANBU

5 months is long enough for her to shit or get off the pot.

BCBird · 08/08/2023 10:13

If you are exclusive then aren't u in a relationship?

CherryMaDeara · 08/08/2023 10:16

we are exclusively only dating each other but she is too scared to actually commit and call it a relationship yet.

Why is she so scared? Are you both the same sex and she's too scared to come out?

I agree with you, if the current relationship isn't working for you then there's no point wasting your time with her.

Hibiscrubbed · 08/08/2023 10:19

DatingMum57789 · 08/08/2023 09:43

@Theunamedcat I’m exactly the same - it’s like after 5 months I know if I want to be with someone or not - I just feel like I’m being strung a long a bit so I’ve kind of put my foot down and said no if you’re not going to commit to me then I’m single 🤷‍♀️

Seems fair enough. Five months is plenty of time to know if you want to commit to someone or not. “I don’t know” is really just “I don’t want to say no because it would be awkward.”

SmileyClare · 08/08/2023 10:19

BCBird · 08/08/2023 10:13

If you are exclusive then aren't u in a relationship?

Agree. I don’t see the point in labelling everything, is this a social media thing?

What does “commitment” look like to you?
To me it would be discussing a future together, making plans to move in together?

I think there’s a danger of over analysing the “status” of a relationship (let’s talk about us) and demanding reassurance can be draining. Can you go with the flow and see how things develop rather than putting unnecessary labels on it?

If this is a lesbian relationship, is she not prepared to “come out” as gay to family and friends?

readbooksdrinktea · 08/08/2023 10:19

neverbeenskiing · 08/08/2023 10:00

So she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but doesn't want you to date anyone else and would be upset if you referred to yourself as single? That makes no sense! She can't have it both ways.

In your shoes I'd probably call time on this now, OP. She doesn't know what she wants.

Definitely agree with this. I'd move on in your place.

KajsaKavat · 08/08/2023 10:20

No, it’s your boundary and it’s ok for you to state this. But then you have to actually decide if you’re willljng to look elsewhere too and not just make empty threats

Original poster

DatingMum57789 · 08/08/2023 10:20

She’s completely out, had girlfriends before etc, she’s scared because they’ve always treated her badly which I completely understand and I’ve done my best to reassure her. I just think it’s silly at our ages (early 30’s) to essentially still be in a ‘situation’ with no labels especially when my goal is to find someone, settle down at some point, etc

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 08/08/2023 10:26

What does committing to a relationship look like to you?

It sounds as though you’re dating exclusively so what are you asking for here?
Do you want to make plans to move in together? Do you want her to say I love you? Propose?
Why do you feel it necessary for her to say “yes we’re in a relationship” ? Those are just words, and are going to be extracted under duress now.

Marblessolveeverything · 08/08/2023 10:28

You don't get to set her boundaries nor her value of your mutual relationship. If you don't agree then leave the relationship but no-one gets to set each other's boundaries.

ssd · 08/08/2023 10:30

KrisAkabusi · 08/08/2023 09:35

I think 5 months is a bit soon to be demanding commitment. You seem to have been very blunt about it all, and it wasn't the most romantic way to discuss a relationship! You're also very blunt/rude in how you're describing her here. Quite honestly, in her shoes I'd be binning you off as too intense.

Jesus what happened to the days if you started seeing someone and liked them you didn't 2 time them with someone else?

HappiestSleeping · 08/08/2023 10:38

Why do young people have to label their relationship status these days?

In my day you just went out, and whatever developed, developed. My wife and I have been together for years, but I don't think we've ever had a conversation about the status of our relationship (other than perhaps saying "I do").