Was I wrong and harsh for stating this?

[DatingMum57789]

I’ve been dating someone for 5 months now - we are exclusively only dating each other but she is too scared to actually commit and call it a relationship yet.

I’m not one to do things half-heartedly or half-arsed so when a conversation came up about our relationship status I said that I was technically single because she doesn’t want to fully commit to me yet and that 5 months is long enough to be stuck in this in-between limbo stage, so that until she does commit properly, I do class myself as single.

This didn’t go down very well and really upset her, was I wrong and harsh to say this?

If you've been together for five months and neither of you are seeing other people and you're having fun and enjoying yourselves, then you are in an ongoing relationship together. What clarification are you looking for? What were you hoping for her to say when you pressed her?

Telling her that you're single seems a bit odd, and a good way to start an argument, and not much else.

Do you> 😂

I’ve never introduced a boyfriend to my parents where they didn’t know the deal in advance, so had to be notified on the point of introduction. So I just say this is Dave.

Thanks for the faux mental health check in. I'll have to speak to my GP about referring to my husband as husband, let's see what he says.

😂

What does ‘fully commit’ mean to you? To her?

Marriage
Buying a house together
Moving in together
Being girlfriend / partner
Committing to the process of seeing how it develops
Dating exclusively

I would say the bottom 3 are ‘in a relationship’ of whatever sort, and the penultimate 2 are ‘Not Single’, and the top 3 are way too soon to commit to after 5 months.

Saying you are technically single is dramatic, guilt tripping and sounds like a threat or ultimatum. If I was her I would back pedal from that.

I think the point might be that the OP has been seeing this woman for five months, and if they were married she would presumably not have the same issue she's currently experiencing around the lack of a label for their relationship, because she would have one, and it would be Wife.

I'm of an age where I find Boyfriend a bit naff, partner a bit serious, and I don't need it clarifying where a relationship is at because I'm in it and I know, due to loads of open and honest communication about feelings and that's all that matters.

i think that's what's referred to as a "situationship"

You were right to tell her how you felt, 5 months is a long time.

It sounds to me as if you're both being really tiresome and high-maintenance about this.

You've been dating for five months, you're not seeing anyone else, so I think your girlfriend is being absurd to say she won't call it a 'relationship'. But I also think you were being petty to claim that you would say you were 'single' because you were clearly just trying to get a rise out of her.

Basically, the pair of you need to grow up and stop these weird power-plays where you each try to make the other one feel insecure. The dynamic is unhealthy on both sides.

I would also be interested to know what the difference is between 'seeing someone exclusively' and 'having a relationship'. Because to me, those are the same thing and have nothing do to with 'commitment'. Just because you call it a 'relationship' that doesn't mean they're agreeing to be with you until the end of time or something.

I agree with you. You're either boyfriend and girlfriend or you're single.

Stating single as your status doesn't mean you are seeing anyone else, it's just a fact that the woman you are seeing is not willing to say you are a couple.

I think as another poster is saying, she is hedging her bets.

It’s not dense to ask op what commitment looks like to her?

To me, a relationship is dating and sleeping with someone and not pursuing relationships outside of that. Thats a couple or boyfriend/girlfriend or in this case girlfriend/girlfriend.

Thats op’s situation and in any healthy relationship they would communicate their feelings as the relationship developed without need for declaring “status” to the world.

To me, commitment would mean joining lives in some way- combining a home, finances or combining your lives as a unit.

YANBU, but it's a risky move and it may push her away. But who knows when or if that will ever change.

I don't recognise this idea from PPs that it was all completely organic in the past and no one ever labelled anything. I think there have been words for going out/dating/girlfriend/beau/sweetheart probably since the dawn of time. It's literally what I thought "going exclusive" meant. If someone asks how many relationships or boy/girlfriends you've had, people never say "oh none, we didn't label anything until we said "I do"". I wonder if the reverse is true actually, and OP you are asking for the more traditional structure (which I completely get) whereas your partner is more "modern" with rejecting it. Maybe you need to ask younger people. For me, I can't really conceive of agreeing to be exclusive but also not considering yourselves to be in a relationship. They seem 2 sides of the same coin to me.

That's what I mean. You young people 😜

Exactly right. The songs of the future will be:-
'I met him on a Monday and his name was Steve, da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron.
On Tuesday we decided we were exclusive, da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron"

I don't blame you for wanting a clear answer on whether she's committed to you or not. Although you don't really consider yourself as single, so you should just have laid your cards on the table and told her so.
It's interesting to read the different perspectives and I do think it's all to do with different generational attitudes and behaviours. When I dated 25 years ago, you went out on a few days with someone and it was either make break. If you continued seeing them they were your boyfriend/girlfriend. If you went off with someone else, you were two timing and being unfaithful/disrespectful. I dated a lot and this was always how things worked back then. I'm dating again now and it's been an eye opener.

I also understand why people nowadays want the discussion. It's not as clear cut as the olden days as there's a high possibility that other person is hedging their bets until someone better comes along. I think it stems from OLD, where you really have no idea if you'll click and you do have to cast a wider net. I'm no expert, but that's how I see it.