Was I wrong and harsh for stating this?

[DatingMum57789]

I’ve been dating someone for 5 months now - we are exclusively only dating each other but she is too scared to actually commit and call it a relationship yet.

I’m not one to do things half-heartedly or half-arsed so when a conversation came up about our relationship status I said that I was technically single because she doesn’t want to fully commit to me yet and that 5 months is long enough to be stuck in this in-between limbo stage, so that until she does commit properly, I do class myself as single.

This didn’t go down very well and really upset her, was I wrong and harsh to say this?

At 44, that is absolutely nothing like my dating experience.

Yeah me neither, I’m mid 30s and it’s always been the case that people said they were in a relationship. I think this no labels thing is actually a modern phenomenon and is used by people who want to keep their options open.

OP I think it's completely fair that if she's known all along that you want a proper relationship to question her on this. It would feel like being strung along to me too. As if she is still undecided if she wants to be with you or not, after five months. If she's saying she doesn't want a relationship with you at this point I think it's time to move on.

She could be seeing other people, she could decide tomorrow that she's not into it after all despite knowing you wanted a relationship with her. It's a waste of your life.

I agree with regards to the labels. It seems pretty meaningless to me to have a relationship “label”, to keep taking the emotional temperature of your relationship and trying to define it?

A relationship is exclusively dating and having sex as a couple. You’re doing that.

Any commitment in my view would be moving in together, planning a future together, buying a house or getting married.

Is this a Facebook thing? You want her to write “in a relationship” on her page or whatever? Sorry I don’t do FB.

Do you consider yourself single? I’m not convinced you do. It reads to me like you were trying to make a point to manipulate her into committing, a subtle threat.

if you can’t have honest conversations then it’s doomed. You need a label on it. Commitment, she’s not there yet and taking it slower and being honest about that.

you can’t force her to go faster than she wishes. That’s not how relationships work. You’re either willing to go at her pace, or you get out. You don’t try to manipulate.

Not sure why everyone's decided to pile on you for wanting a label. What do all these posters refer to their equivalents as, when introducing them to friends/family? "Hi dad, you must meet my...acquaintance! She's been acquainting with me for 5 months now!" Come on.

But she's saying she doesn't want to commit. It's not about labels, she doesn't want to commit to the OP.

Yet. She’s happy to keep dating at this stage. That’s her right, if the op doesn’t like it she gets out. That’s it. She can’t force her to commit. No relationship works when that happens.

I’m 47 and that was exactly like my dating experience. I’ve never had a “relationship status” conversation in my life and I’ve had a few relationships!

Meet Jenny , we’ve been seeing each other for the last few months. It’s not complex

Not wanting to commit after five months hardly suggests it's going to change at any point.

Obviously it's her right. My advice to the OP would be to stop wasting her time on it.

Lovely jubbly. And when you marry jenny, what do you say? Surely not "wife", for that is a label.

Sorry, I keep forgetting to change my username (WunWun)

I’d say Hi dad you must meet Dave (or whatever their name is)

I still don’t see what this commitment actually looks like to op? Is it just telling friends and family that you’re in a relationship then?

It’s a bit petty to declare yourself single to someone you’re in an exclusive relationship with. That’s just asking for drama.

For me, five months would be enough to know that I wanted to give the relationship a good chance to develop into something long term and know that I didn’t want anyone else, but it would be far too soon to make a definitive commitment. That would mean fully integrating lives, homes and possibly finances to some extent.

You need to talk about what you both think of when you use the word commitment. You might mind your ideas for the future have a lot in common or you might find that you are ready to settle down in life sooner than she is.

And if your dad replied, "So is this your boyfriend?" You'd honestly say, "No, dad, I don't agree with labels. He is simply Dave."

Yes damn those "young people" wanting to know if they're in a relationship with someone or not. You don't even know how old the OP is.

No one in the 1950s and 1960s wanted to know if they were "walking out" with someone or "going out" with them as it was called in the 80s or 90s. We just had those words and no one ever used them or thought about such a silly flimflam topic.

That's why thousands upon thousands of songs were bestsellers on this exact topic for the last 7 decades. 🙄

Jane Austen certainly never wrote about couples who were unsure whether they were in relationships or not either. In fact thinking you're in a relationship with someone then finding out they didn't think the same was the premise of quite a lot of books. Charlotte Bronte did rather well out of that idea as well, and so did Shakespeare.

That started before the days of social media, BTW, @SmileyClare

OP there is nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand in a relationship or to want to know whether or not the person you are seeing considers this a relationship or something more casual. It's clear communication which is something a lot of people are incapable of hence them denigrating you for using your words like an adult.

How bizarre. Generally parents know if you are fronting up with Dave what the relationship is, but in the extreme example this happens in front of Dave, and your parents are ignorant enough to ask if he’s your boyfriend, you just say ah, we are seeing each other, yes. It’s no biggie. No relationship police are going to arrest you.

It's quite amusing that people are seriously suggesting that they kept on dating someone for presumably years without any idea if the other person was seeing other people or just using them for sex, until they proposed 😂

That's next level low self esteem

I completely understand what you’re saying.
Why waste your time on a relationship that isn’t going anywhere or that she doesn’t feel the same as you, so I understand why you’d need that clarification.

But I also see her point as I struggle with labels and 5 months isn’t that long (in my book).

You do have to be a bit careful because if you come on too strong you can scare her off but she cannot leave you in limbo.

I would tell her that you’re not rushing her but you want to know whether she wants to be with you officially or not, as you are completely invested in this relationship and you are worried she doesn’t feel the same way.
If she doesn’t want to be with you then you’d rather know now so you can move on.

If she isn’t sure then suggest a trial, either a trial separation or a trial of being official. After a month of a trial, if she still isn’t sure then put yourself first and decide to move on.

Do you march Dave in with no warning and announce grandly meet Dave, I know it’s a surprise and you don’t know the deal but we are in a RELATIONSHIP

😂

Okay. I've yet to see this ever happen, where the words boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife are permanently omitted/forbidden from conversation, and it's all kept cryptic. But sure...

I'd say "Hey dad! Meet my new boyfriend Dave".

Like 99% of people in Britain.

Come on now. Literally no one is this dense.

Are you ok? This is the oddest thing I’ve ever read what you’re posting, this imaginary scenario and big deal 😂