DD22 feels invisible

[allthepretyyhorses]

DD has struggled with friends since secondary and not particularly loving university (of which she has a year left). She has never had a boyfriend and is very down about this. She is convinced she never will as she has never even been friends with a boy— in fact she insists the only time a man has spoken to her was to say something mean.

Whenever she goes out with her friends she comes back with stories of them getting discounts or being treated better than she is and tells me that she feels completely invisible. Her friends all have relationships and most conversation seems to be about the topic, which puts her off spending time with her friends.

I’m worried for her. Her younger siblings are in relationships, one is even prepping to move out with long-term GF. I never had problems socially, and I don’t really know what to advise DD, but she is in the pits of despair. I feel so sorry for her.

This will be only skin deep. Can you help her to fix her appearance?

It sounds like your DD has a bit of a 'woe is me' mindset and expects these things to just happen on their own. People can often sense when someone is a bit of a Debbie Downer from their body language too. Perhaps it's time for her to put herself out there more - maybe go on a few Tinder dates, get into some sort of hobby/club etc.

I felt the same at that age. I didn’t know it then but I was autistic, and people could just tell there was something awkward about me.

She needs to join clubs that she has an interest in. Anyone who makes a mean comment is definitely not someone she should bother with, but if she finds her groups of people then she will be far more likely to make friends and relationships.

But 22 is not that old to be worried about never having had a relationship either.

She sounds very passive. Sometimes you have to actively pursue things, they won’t fall into her lap! Online dating means the other person is also actively seeking a relationship so that’s a start. Bumble might be a bit gentler than Tinder (which can be a bit skewed to casual sex I’m told!)

I agree it sounds like she has a bit of a 'poor me' thing going on which can be very off putting for people when trying to make new friends/boyfriends.

I think at 22 she should enjoy herself and not worry about being single. She has plenty of years ahead of her to have to consider other people wether that be a partner or kids or elderly parents or whatever it may be.

What does she enjoy doing? She should do whatever she enjoys doing and if she meets someone whilst doing so (which is more likely as you will have shared interests) then great and if she doesnt then at least she spent time enjoying herself.

Same. Only geeky men liked me.

But men who have never spoken to you can’t tell so long as you look normal.

As she’s still at University she should join a couple of clubs. They can be for anything. Hiking, theatre, board games, grad students society if she’s doing a masters, her subject’s students society - it doesn’t matter what. Whatever she thinks sounds interesting, and ideally one where you have to talk to other people for it to function. She will get to talk to people and will likely make some friends of both sexes.

Swing dancing club or some other pairs dancing club could work too. Although she might find that very full on because the awkward guys who find it hard to talk to girls use the same strategy and going from no male attention to dancing with 6 fellow awkward guys trying awkwardly to flirt with you while they attempt to impress you with their dance skills might be a bit of a strange evening.

She sounds like she might benefit from meeting new people. The more she does that the more she will realise not all men are the same and not all men like the same type of women. I'm sure there is someone out there who will like her! It's just a question of broadening her social life. She may feel more confident in doing so.

She’s working on weight loss but is only slightly overweight, and I know I’m biased but I truly believe her appearance isn’t bad. She dresses very very well and wears her hair nicely.

I feel a bit at fault for that— I always tell her that these things just happen/that things will fall into place, and I suppose it did in my experience. I don’t think she walks about in her ‘Debbie Downer’ mode, she’s very smiley and laughs a lot, but it’s when she gets home and thinks about her day that she gets into that state. Will definitely suggest OLD (which I know she won’t be keen on as she hates photos) and new hobbies.

There's some harsh comments on here, but that's AIBU, not the place for nuanced replies. Socialising via activities does seem to be the way forward for people struggling with friendships - the actual socialising is lower key and there's focus rather than just talking about relationships.

Her interests are very much solitary and stereotypically feminine ones. I’ll suggest she think of something new to try and branch out!

OLD can be brutal even for seasoned eaters. I wouldn't suggest it until she has developed some more confidence and interests.

She needs to learn and allow herself to have fun with her peer group. September at uni is the perfect time. Encourage her over summer to choose 6-10 clubs to have a try over a few weeks. There are usually fresher/welcoming events/tasters. Then select a few to pursue based on enjoyment and chemistry with the people there. Seeking fun and friendship! Plenty of time for relationships later!

Ah that’s very useful, thank you. I’ll focus on suggesting finding more hobbies. Reading the occasional OLD thread on here I do dread to think of DD, who is honestly so innocently sweet, wading through that.

I’ll definitely encourage that, but the issue is she plans to try different clubs every year and gets very excited, but then gets so nervous about going and potentially embarrassing herself that she doesn’t end up doing any at all.

What a horrible comment, "fix her appearance".

Grim.

You both seem very fixated on relationships - she’s only 22 - she’s just a late bloomer

I would focus on building her confidence and finding stuff to enjoy in life - via new interests and maybe some CBT to help her with unhelpful thinking. And OLD when she is feeling more positive about herself.

OLD can be crazy! She’s better off joining some clubs or new hobbies. Walking groups maybe?

I’m becoming slightly fixated only because she is! More than anything I’d just like for her to be happy— but very good suggestions, thank you. CBT definitely couldn’t hurt.

Troll or asshole?

I was thinking the same thing. Fix herself for who exactly? The male gaze? Yuck.

@allthepretyyhorses I was horribly socially awkward as a teen, it didn’t help that I’m probably neurodivergent and definitely didn’t help that I had a beautiful, funny, outgoing younger sibling that I was immensely jealous of. But when I went to uni I decided to have a fresh start, push myself in social situations, just pretended I had confidence until I actually did (probably masking skills to be honest but it worked). She needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy with anyone else, her self worth as she is, it’s enough. Once she realises this then she will realise that it’s not about her finding someone, the person she’s with is damn lucky to have her.

When I was her age I used to go on loads of bumble dates (although I think Hinge is the go to app now!) Had a few boyfriends and eventually married one! I, like your daughter, had pretty solitary, crafty hobbies and was really shy. Going on bumble dates, even just a coffee for half an hour, helped me build my confidence and feel more comfortable!

I’ve also never had a bad date and almost all of my friends (late 20s) met their partners on a dating app.