DD22 feels invisible

[allthepretyyhorses]

DD has struggled with friends since secondary and not particularly loving university (of which she has a year left). She has never had a boyfriend and is very down about this. She is convinced she never will as she has never even been friends with a boy— in fact she insists the only time a man has spoken to her was to say something mean.

Whenever she goes out with her friends she comes back with stories of them getting discounts or being treated better than she is and tells me that she feels completely invisible. Her friends all have relationships and most conversation seems to be about the topic, which puts her off spending time with her friends.

I’m worried for her. Her younger siblings are in relationships, one is even prepping to move out with long-term GF. I never had problems socially, and I don’t really know what to advise DD, but she is in the pits of despair. I feel so sorry for her.

I was just thinking I wonder if she's autistic and was wondering whether to post that but thought I'd be told off!

Did you actually read OP’s reply?

I was like her at 22. Met dh at 26, got married at 27 and have just celebrated our 9th anniversary and have 3 kids. At some point you have to put yourself out there. In general I'd be really shy around men because I'm a quiet sort, smiley but happy solo. I met dh by chance and he just kept on talking. I found myself responding really easily and we just clicked.

She will find her way, tell her to keep at it with the diet and exercise to mange her weight and keep putting herself out there and enjoying life. I'd work on her self confidence first and foremost. Things will click for her.

She just sounds shy. The problem is, people jump to autism now when being autistic covers so much more than being or feeling socially awkward . You can have a personality that isn't loud and outgoing without being autistic. At her young age I would encourage friendships through uni groups. She needs to work on her self esteem and that isn't going to come through a man but instead, on focusing on what she enjoys. The dating can come after that if it's what she wants. There's too much focus to jump into a relationship to feel good or better about yourself in my opinion.

I started my first and only proper relationship and became sexually active when I was 22, and I've known people who were mid or late 20s when it happened for them.

Yes, you do feel a bit of a freak and wonder wtf is wrong with you when you're the only one amongst your friends who hasn't had sex/a relationship. But having heard some horror stories from my mates, I think there's something to be said for being a bit older and wiser when you hit the dating scene tbh.

Sounds like she could be autistic, and has learnt to mask fairly well when out with friends. I would encourage her to seek support from the counsellors at university and to do some volunteering at uni as it's a good way to make friends with less social pressure.

Sorry but I feel like this is terrible advice. She’s sunk 2/3 years into this and has only 9 months to go. May as well finish it and get the degree. Yes, some people do become successful despite dropping out but graduates still out earn non-graduates on average and the famous successes usually dropped out to do something specific and entrepreneurial rather than because they just didn’t like Uni.

Realising a course of action isn’t for you is pretty common in life but it’s usually worth just getting through it if it’s time limited and there’s a tangible reward/ benefit at the end.

it sounds as though it’s the social side she’s struggling with- possibly just didn’t find her tribe which was probably partly a result of starting during covid or just circumstance.

@illiterato I hear what you are saying and I’m not saying her DD has to give up her course, only that the OP could explore with her whether she feels under pressure to complete her course which might be adding to her anxiety.

Sometimes in hearing we have permission NOT to do something, we realise we are choosing to do it and can then see the light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds like her DD has been quite passive in the past and this could be another opener to explore where her true interests lie, leading on to exploring those and thereby meeting similar minded people…

She sounds like she’s in victim mode or she expects everything to come to her. I think she probably needs counselling to work on her self-esteem and social skills. My DD1 was diagnosed with what would have once been called Asperger’s Syndrome when she was nearly 17. It was rough, but she needed help with her social skills and the anxiety it caused. She had a lot of counselling and nobody discusses her diagnosis. She’s now 19 and has totally blossomed. (She’s not always easy at home when she removes the mask, but is doing really well socially and that’s a huge start!)

Going to give a weird example. There is a a very big crossover between knitting, gaming, and geekdom (for lack of a better term) think Marvel/comics/anime. So getting in the right knitting circle might open doors to the more gender neutral other interests.

This is such a lovely, thoughtful answer @saltinesandcoffeecups - I don't know quite why but the whole idea of a geeky romantic ecosystem has made me really happy!

Absolutely the wrong order of focus is

1. Boyfriend

First priority is building self-esteem, building a social circle with people and activities she enjoys and that make her feel good.

The beauty of university is there are so many different activities to try.

Boyfriend/male interest can wait. Please don't put that pressure on her.