DD22 feels invisible

[allthepretyyhorses]

DD has struggled with friends since secondary and not particularly loving university (of which she has a year left). She has never had a boyfriend and is very down about this. She is convinced she never will as she has never even been friends with a boy— in fact she insists the only time a man has spoken to her was to say something mean.

Whenever she goes out with her friends she comes back with stories of them getting discounts or being treated better than she is and tells me that she feels completely invisible. Her friends all have relationships and most conversation seems to be about the topic, which puts her off spending time with her friends.

I’m worried for her. Her younger siblings are in relationships, one is even prepping to move out with long-term GF. I never had problems socially, and I don’t really know what to advise DD, but she is in the pits of despair. I feel so sorry for her.

I’ll definitely encourage that, but the issue is she plans to try different clubs every year and gets very excited, but then gets so nervous about going and potentially embarrassing herself that she doesn’t end up doing any at all.

So she needs to be more realistic and choose say three that she can imagine being able to turn up to. May be something geeky so that she doesn't feel she'll be surrounded by ultra socially able people.

Also the classic lesson of most people truly won't be focussed on her or even notice if she (thinks she) is embarrassing.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway would be great for her to read over the summer. It may seem a little dated in the language/examples to her, but it is a solid plan for how to get out there and create a life.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1785042653/ref=tmmpappswatch0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

The next book Feel the Fear and Beyond is great too.

Suggesting OLD to a shy 22 year old who lacks confidence is a dreadful idea. It's a sharkpit of users, chancers, men who want free sex so they don't have to pay prostitutes, liars, fraudsters and twats. There is absolutely no need to advertise yourself online like a used sofa, She is a young person who can meet others in person and learn to get to know them and interact, the way human beings are supposed to.

Thank you! You have put it better than I ever could have.

😘🌻

Yeah this sounds like confidence more than anything else from your descriptions. Ok, she’s shy I take it. Not the worst thing to be. I like the suggestions of of finding a few clubs to join. But she has to do a little more than join, she has to actively participate. Is there something that she excited about that she can use to break out a little from her shell?

Going to give a weird example. There is a a very big crossover between knitting, gaming, and geekdom (for lack of a better term) think Marvel/comics/anime. So getting in the right knitting circle might open doors to the more gender neutral other interests.

And yes OLD is a terrible idea. UNI friends are the way to test the waters.

I would suggest she targets one or two of the smaller, geekier clubs, if she is that way inclined! Less social pressure, easier to keep turning up to. Encourage her to find her tribe rather than a boyfriend.

If she has the time then paid work can be a good way to practice "acquaintanceship" skills.

I think there are a lot of young people who feel in a similar boat, but as a parent it is hard to know what to say to help them feel better.

she insists the only time a man has spoken to her was to say something mean

What happens when she speaks to a boy? She can't be waiting silently to be spoken to, surely? Not all the time??

You both seem very fixated on relationships - she’s only 22 - she’s just a late bloomer

I would focus on building her confidence and finding stuff to enjoy in life - via new interests

This.
Forget trying to "fix" any issues in your or her mind about not having a boyfriend and focus on getting out and enjoying life. Mix with other people whilst doing something she is enjoying doing.

I met my husband online as a teen on bebo!

that’s a very dated stereotype of online daters they aren’t all weirdos

not everyone is confident enough to walk up to a stranger in a bar and not everyone appreciates that approach

The met my husband online as a teen on bebo!

that’s a very dated stereotype of online daters they aren’t all weirdos

not everyone is confident enough to walk up to a stranger in a bar and not everyone appreciates that approach
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she needs a self esteem boost and maybe she has some anxiety too. Check out the welfare website for her uni, they may offer free counselling, workshops, peer mentoring etc. which could really help.

If you can access the USA version of Love Island they have a young man cast who sounds like her. He has never had a relationship and is just so awkward, (and really out of his league on Love Island) but it seems instructive in a way, too, when you compare his behavior with the other men. It's nervous talking, lack of confidence, doesn't banter, just fades in the background, but when he does talk to a woman he has no sense of self, wanting to move to where the woman lives - any woman, doesn't care who or where - meaning he has no opinions or preferences of his own. He just wants to fold into some dominant woman's life who will tell him who he is.

So, she should develop her sense of self.

There are way more places to meet people than OLD or Bars. I dated men that I met in

• co-ed sports
• Classes (while in school)
• grocery store (yes it’s a rom com trope)
• through friends
• that worked in the same building as me
• that I met in clubs (not the bar kind)
• yes bars (the drinking kind)
• and finally my DH that I met at a parade

Wow some people are being a bit harsh here!!

It sounds like a cliche or a white lie told to make people feel better but confidence really does make such a difference in terms of being approached, being given positive attention on nights out etc (not that that is the be all and end all of life, but it can feel like it at that age!). I really doubt that she is objectively the least attractive and least interesting of her friends. Combined with being naturally shy/introverted, if she took a while to grow into her looks during teenhood/young adulthood then it's probably left her with a bit of a hangover regarding how she feels about herself.

I'll go against a few posters and say that dating apps COULD be worth a try as long as she doesn't let herself get too bogged down in it. If she isn't confident, it could be a more controlled way for her to present herself and build a bit of a rapport with someone (and just plain prove that she can talk to men) before going into a real-life meeting. Hinge is the one where she's most likely to find someone decent. No doubt that the apps can be savage though, so I'd encourage her to tale to you about it (or to a close friend or sibling) to make sure she isn't bottling up any negative emotions that arise (conversations starting then petering out etc, which happens to EVERYONE using dating apps).

Aside from that I'd remind her (in a non patronising way) that she is SO young - she may feel like she has fallen irredeemably behind but she has lived only a tiny proportion of her adult life and there will be loads of people in the same boat as she is, even if they aren't in her immediate circle. Imo there is great pressure to have the social time of your life at uni but lots of people are not their best selves there, I certainly know that I was happier overall once I was out of that environment and only continued to get happier throughout my 20s.

I was going to say - first comment full on misogynist shit; if you could sum up how utterly low AIBU has sunk in one sentence this would be it. But then look, OP, the girls mother, comes straight back in agreement - yes I know I should fix her comment. Maybe that's why DD is unsure of herself? Christ.

So... she hates photos, and 'gets so nervous about going and potentially embarrassing herself that she doesn’t end up doing any at all'.

I think she needs therapy to get to the root of that, and confidence building, not dating. Has she ever had a job? A café type job could really help her build the skills she needs. She's going to have to apply for real jobs soon! Her mum telling her 'it will happen' is unhelpful, she is not a princess in a castle.

Also this. Use the university resources while she can still access them. Mentoring can be great.

Totally agree @HangerLaneGyratorySystem and @RattleRattle

The issue here is about her inability to just chat, hang out with, and be friends with people whether they are boys or girls.

Meh, I know quite a few geeky and socially awkward people that met through OLD and even married! It's not all terrible. Even if OP's DD didn't have the courage to go on an actual date - it could still be a way for her to practice some small talk online.

I'm not saying therapy isn't the way to go though. Hobbies will definitely help as per my original post.

Oh your poor daughter, it’s a horrible feeling being second fiddle.
Id probably say she needs to develop some confidence in herself before she starts dating or she may end up accepting bad treatment from someone just for the sake of having a BF.
Maybe if she started to take herself on some solo dates for coffee or for a meal so she becomes comfortable in her own skin perhaps? I’m sure she’ll find her footing with things, it all feels so urgent when you’re in the moment but she’s still young and has her whole life ahead of her to have boyfriends etc.

Something that stands out for me in your post OP is that she is not particularly loving university. Does she feel under pressure to complete her degree? It may be hard if all her peers love the course and she doesn’t. That would make it harder to find likeminded people for friendships or relationships. Would she be better to consider whether she even wants to go back and maybe stop, find a job and find her feet for a while? Could you have her at home again esp if another sibling is moving out?

It sounds like she feels like a fish out of water and maybe what she really needs from you is permission to stop what she is doing if she feels like she is on the wrong path. Can you tell her that it’s ok if she doesn’t want to go back to uni and that you’ll support her to change track and discover what she really likes and wants to do in life? That would be a great gift to her.

Many successful people dropped out of their uni courses and went on to find their true calling - and true love - but she has plenty of time for that…