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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL's obsession with girls is bloody irritating.

70 replies

DoneAndDusted123 · 07/08/2023 19:32

So I'm currently 7 months pregnant with my first baby and we know that we're expecting a boy. We're over the moon and very happy that he's growing strong in there and can't wait to meet him. But my MILs constant comments surrounding his sex are starting to really bug me

When we called her to announce the sex she interrupted the announcement to say "oh is it a little girl?!" really excitedly which made our news seem disappointing even though it's not. She then called up extended family and her friends to tell them the news in what was apparently a very "yeah they're having a boy, bummer" kind of way..

On top of this she always finds ways to work into the conversation how disappointed she initially was when her three kids all turned out to be boys and that the third time she fell into a huge depression. We were discussing baby names the other day and she just kept talking about all the names that she wanted to call her imaginary daughter's 🙄

I get that after three boys it's normal that she might have had a slight preference but her attitude is just irritating at best and malicious at worst. Sometimes she makes it seem like she's not even excited to meet her first grandchild...

She's also fed me the "a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is for life" line a few times. I maintain that this saying is really bloody weird and stupid...

I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive and should just let her share her thoughts but I'm sorely tempted to ask her to not come over anymore if she doesn't stop.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Lammveg · 07/08/2023 19:35

Urgh hate this shit.

I think with ILs the discussion should come from your DH. What does he say about this?

pictoosh · 07/08/2023 19:37

Just tell her. "I know you wanted our baby to be a girl and you're disappointed that we're having a boy...but your comments are upsetting me now. I'm starting to feel like our baby is being held in a negative light before he's even here."

HeadacheEarthquake · 07/08/2023 19:37

Just say "that's a pity MIL, I'll be sure not to bring him round or ask you to mind him then".

PacManMom · 07/08/2023 19:37

My MIL was the same, I have 5 boys. She dotes on her granddaughters, and is shit with my boys to the point where if she dropped off the face of the earth they wouldn't even register it.

Just ignore her.

pictoosh · 07/08/2023 19:37

She'll deny it like fuck and have you pegged as taking things the wrong way but I bet she stops.

lanthanum · 07/08/2023 19:40

If she's overbearing anyway, it might be a very good thing he's a boy, rather than the girl she's been waiting 30 years for.

LegendsBeyond · 07/08/2023 19:41

She’ll be desperate for a granddaughter after having 3 boys. I don’t think that’s unusual. She should keep it to herself though.

Original poster
DoneAndDusted123 · 07/08/2023 19:42

Lammveg · 07/08/2023 19:35

Urgh hate this shit.

I think with ILs the discussion should come from your DH. What does he say about this?

He agrees with me that it's upsetting and that she's being annoying but is hesitant to approach her about it. All of her son's seem weirdly wary of ever upsetting her on account of how overly sensitive she is.

Tbh she has her flaws but we've always got along well enough. She's for the most part been a good MIL but my pregnancy has brought out a very toxic side of her personality and I don't entirely blame DH for being apprehensive

OP posts:
Didiplanthis · 07/08/2023 19:45

Mine was the same. We stopped accepting anything she bought for our kids as it was so unbalanced in favour of our daughter vs our 2 boys... she got it eventually...

YouveGotAFastCar · 07/08/2023 19:46

Your MIL sounds a lot like mine. Obsessed with our baby being a girl. Overbearing. No-one wants to stand up to her because she's easily upset...

We got along great until I gave birth, and then it went massively downhill. DH is still a bit head-in-the-sand about it, even though we haven't really seen them since last November.

I'd be massively cautious here. I hugely, hugely regret that I let her bizarre ways interfere with my son's first months.

JMSA · 07/08/2023 19:48

Send her round my way, OP.
24 hours with my teenage daughters and she'll be dying to meet your son Grin
YANBU.

SoberIsTheNew50 · 07/08/2023 19:50

I think I would tackle it now and head on. This has to be nipped in the bud. What is FIL like? can you approach him so he can talk to her privately in a way that might be better received? 'June, you may not realise this, but your open sorrow that the baby is not a girl is starting to be upsetting and hurtful to Done and Son. Can you think a bit before you express this?'.

Pufflebow · 07/08/2023 19:52

You have 3 options i think
Just laugh and say this again MIL?!
we all get it, you wish our baby was a girl and you’re disappointed, it’s boring now!! Hahahah as though it’s all light hearted in a oh what are you like sort of way. But hopefully the harsh words will make her realise what impression she’s giving and shut up

you (or dh) tell her straight, mil I’m sure you don’t mean it this way, but we’re finding your constant disappointment about our baby a bit negative, we’re really happy so we’d appreciate if you keep it to yourself if you’re not.

or you stop talking about the baby, and lower your overall contact with her

its so weird how hung up and rude people can be about the baby’s sex

strawberryjeans · 07/08/2023 19:53

Just ignore her. Is she projecting? Perhaps she wanted a girl but got your DH

SkipHopJumpSplatWallop · 07/08/2023 19:57

I would just say ‘really? I’m so glad my first is a boy’ and then tell her everything you think is great about having a boy. Be clear you don’t think like her and shut her down. If she carries on tell her straight that you think her attitude is awful and must be so hurtful for her adult sons to hear.

ImperfectAlf · 07/08/2023 20:06

My fil said that if my first was a girl, he'd 'shove it back'

I told him that that attitude had earned the right to not meet our baby at all.

It's no point waiting for your h to tell her you're upset... you may as well stand up for your baby now and practice using your protective words.

Bullying (and that's what it is) needs nipping in the bud.

She'll learn.

JMSA · 07/08/2023 20:06

Hmm, I'm wondering if she would be the type to obsess over boys, if you were expecting a girl.
Some people are so bloody contrary that way.

pictoosh · 07/08/2023 20:07

Well if you're all too scared to say anything in case you upset her, you'll just have to put up with it won't you? What else is there?

JMSA · 07/08/2023 20:08

ImperfectAlf · 07/08/2023 20:06

My fil said that if my first was a girl, he'd 'shove it back'

I told him that that attitude had earned the right to not meet our baby at all.

It's no point waiting for your h to tell her you're upset... you may as well stand up for your baby now and practice using your protective words.

Bullying (and that's what it is) needs nipping in the bud.

She'll learn.

Oh my word! Shock What happened in the end?
If you had a girl, I hope he absolutely dotes on her.
Fool!

ssd · 07/08/2023 20:22

People like her get away with it as no one tells her the truth

Cyclistmumgrandma · 07/08/2023 20:22

My first (and, so far, only) grandchild is a girl. Yes, I admit it, I was hoping for a grandson but certainly never told son and daughter-in-law that. She is now here and is delightful. Hopefully your MIL will feel the same once the baby is born. Until then, yes, tell her that her attitude is upsetting you.

DelurkingLawyer · 07/08/2023 20:23

I might be a bit relieved that you’re not having a girl. If she is that obsessed and you were having a girl I reckon you’d have all sorts of problems with her wanting to have a second go at being mum with your daughter.

WhatDoIKnowAboutThis · 07/08/2023 20:28

Well, at least somebody wants girls 😅

Usually there is such a strong preference to boys.
Even on MN so many women!! so anti-baby-girls, makes me sad.

Clefable · 07/08/2023 20:28

My gran had three boys (she said she cried when they told her the last one was a boy 😬) and was desperate for a granddaughter. My dad did play a trick on her and tell her it was a boy on the phone when I was born and she was suitably pleased and happy the baby was healthy, but then he said actually it's a girl and the scream nearly blew his ear off.

She's a lovely, kind woman who helped my mum out to no end with childcare when I was a baby etc., so I think it was mostly just unresolved issues over her own situation and lack of a daughter that she really craved (she was one of three girls and they were all very close their entire lives). Hopefully when your lovely boy is here, MiL will be besotted with him. But in the meantime perhaps your husband can have a quiet word with her!

Lemonademoney · 07/08/2023 20:34

WhatDoIKnowAboutThis · 07/08/2023 20:28

Well, at least somebody wants girls 😅

Usually there is such a strong preference to boys.
Even on MN so many women!! so anti-baby-girls, makes me sad.

Gosh in my experience it’s literally the complete opposite! I couldn’t tell you of a single time I’ve been made to feel that there was a preference for boys ever… whereas most women I know happily admit they’d love to have a little girl