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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL's obsession with girls is bloody irritating.

70 replies

DoneAndDusted123 · 07/08/2023 19:32

So I'm currently 7 months pregnant with my first baby and we know that we're expecting a boy. We're over the moon and very happy that he's growing strong in there and can't wait to meet him. But my MILs constant comments surrounding his sex are starting to really bug me

When we called her to announce the sex she interrupted the announcement to say "oh is it a little girl?!" really excitedly which made our news seem disappointing even though it's not. She then called up extended family and her friends to tell them the news in what was apparently a very "yeah they're having a boy, bummer" kind of way..

On top of this she always finds ways to work into the conversation how disappointed she initially was when her three kids all turned out to be boys and that the third time she fell into a huge depression. We were discussing baby names the other day and she just kept talking about all the names that she wanted to call her imaginary daughter's 🙄

I get that after three boys it's normal that she might have had a slight preference but her attitude is just irritating at best and malicious at worst. Sometimes she makes it seem like she's not even excited to meet her first grandchild...

She's also fed me the "a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is for life" line a few times. I maintain that this saying is really bloody weird and stupid...

I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive and should just let her share her thoughts but I'm sorely tempted to ask her to not come over anymore if she doesn't stop.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Jamtartforme · 07/08/2023 20:44

Ugh this really annoys me. Why try to bring down your special time because of her own unresolved issues? I think it’s time to find your mama bear and put her straight before this ridiculous attitude spoils your precious newborn time - next time she says something, tell her if your DS is such a disappointment to her then no doubt she won’t want to meet him. That’ll shut her up.

ImperfectAlf · 07/08/2023 20:54

@JMSA
You're right about the fool!

I had two boys. So he thought he'd won 🙄.

I made him wait to meet them though, and he didn't repeat it the second time round.

We never got on

Isitsixoclockalready · 07/08/2023 20:59

WhatDoIKnowAboutThis · 07/08/2023 20:28

Well, at least somebody wants girls 😅

Usually there is such a strong preference to boys.
Even on MN so many women!! so anti-baby-girls, makes me sad.

That's not the most helpful response ever.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 07/08/2023 21:01

Well it's the sperm that decides ge sex. So it's her husband and son that are having so many boys and she can stop being rude.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 07/08/2023 21:07

Bil had 3 x ds's. We had 3 x ds's. Next dc was a dd. Mil was a bit ott...
The Grand Day arrived. I had a gift in their car..
It was a Tefal frying pan.

Don't hold out for any special treatment op!!
Oh and dh got me a sack of potatoes
.
Exh now

Marcipex · 07/08/2023 21:12

My mother who is nearly 86 will still tell people that she only wanted boys.
Young women I know all say they only want girls.
It’s sad either way.

Waffle19 · 07/08/2023 21:18

Your MIL sounds like my MIL. Three sons, depressed after the third, desperate for a girl, loves talking girls names etc.

Fortunately my BIL & SIL have now had a daughter so she gets her girl fix from them, and I can honestly say she doesn’t love her granddaughter anymore or less than her grandson. I’m sure once your DS is born she will be besotted.

BungalowBuyer · 07/08/2023 21:19

lanthanum · 07/08/2023 19:40

If she's overbearing anyway, it might be a very good thing he's a boy, rather than the girl she's been waiting 30 years for.

My exMIL has several boys, wanted a girl every time, my DD was the first grandchild and she was obsessed, thankfully more DGDs arrived.

Waffle19 · 07/08/2023 21:19

Oh and my MIL literally quoted the whole ‘a son is a son until he takes a wife’ thing at the weekend (my DS is now 4). I just ignore any comments like that.

Createausername1970 · 07/08/2023 21:23

I think I would say something like

Listen, MIL, I do get that you would have liked a daughter, but honestly, DH and I are really happy to be having a boy. Can you just be pleased for us? But actually it's making me a bit worried, because we would like future son to spend time with you and for you to be his nan, but what would happen if we had a daughter later, would you be all over her and ignore him? That would be a bit sad for him wouldn't it, if he lost out on his nan that he loved just because he had a sister?

Lay it on a bit thick and try to get her to see that she is potentially making it awkward for herself if she carries on the way she is as she might end up not seeing a long awaited granddaughter very often if she didn't treat all your children equally.

Olika · 07/08/2023 21:35

pictoosh · 07/08/2023 19:37

Just tell her. "I know you wanted our baby to be a girl and you're disappointed that we're having a boy...but your comments are upsetting me now. I'm starting to feel like our baby is being held in a negative light before he's even here."

I would say this. She is being ridiculous. I would not take any of it from her.

Bandyarsia · 07/08/2023 21:44

Mine is the opposite, only likes boys, girls are invisible.

happygolucky42 · 07/08/2023 21:57

Same here. 3 boys and baby who is a girl. we have so many clothes for the girl and the boys got some t-shirts and some shorts...once!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 07/08/2023 22:00

I would tell her that talking like that is a sure fire way to make her son, dil and gs back away from her

She needs to get a grip and grow up

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 07/08/2023 22:02

DoneAndDusted123 · 07/08/2023 19:32

So I'm currently 7 months pregnant with my first baby and we know that we're expecting a boy. We're over the moon and very happy that he's growing strong in there and can't wait to meet him. But my MILs constant comments surrounding his sex are starting to really bug me

When we called her to announce the sex she interrupted the announcement to say "oh is it a little girl?!" really excitedly which made our news seem disappointing even though it's not. She then called up extended family and her friends to tell them the news in what was apparently a very "yeah they're having a boy, bummer" kind of way..

On top of this she always finds ways to work into the conversation how disappointed she initially was when her three kids all turned out to be boys and that the third time she fell into a huge depression. We were discussing baby names the other day and she just kept talking about all the names that she wanted to call her imaginary daughter's 🙄

I get that after three boys it's normal that she might have had a slight preference but her attitude is just irritating at best and malicious at worst. Sometimes she makes it seem like she's not even excited to meet her first grandchild...

She's also fed me the "a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is for life" line a few times. I maintain that this saying is really bloody weird and stupid...

I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive and should just let her share her thoughts but I'm sorely tempted to ask her to not come over anymore if she doesn't stop.

Thoughts?

So what? Of course, like any normal person, she'd rather a girl.
It can't be helped and she'll probably still like the kid even if not ideal.
A baby is a baby.

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 22:02

Have you tried telling her to button it?

Lavender14 · 07/08/2023 22:02

Call her out. "MIL, the way you're talking you almost sound disappointed? " hopefully it will rein her in. She sounds like she'd be a nightmare if you had a girl. Your baby is not her substitute. And I hate that line about boys being your boy until they take a wife. My dh is much closer to his family than I am to mine.

littlelionroars · 07/08/2023 22:13

I have this problem with my MIL. She had 2 boys, they decided not to have a third child.

The very first time I met her she spoke about how desperate she is for granddaughters. It was awkward then and has not stopped being awkward since.

Of course we've gone and had 2 boys. The first was exciting as he was the first grandchild, but I could feel the intense disappointment when we had our second.

She loves our boys very much, but her and my FIL put a lot of pressure on us to try for a girl even though we have told them that will not be happening. We live in a different country from my parents and in laws. We have zero support and we aren't willing to make the financial sacrifice for another child, we just want to give our boys the best life possible.

She has been here visiting this week and she has said multiple times how much she regrets not having a third child because the third definitely would have been a girl, who she has weirdly named Lauren.

She moans that her sons don't call her enough and that 'Lauren' would have called her to ask her how she's doing. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think it's really unfair to my DH and DBIL, who are actually both in regular contact with her.

I'm not sure what the answer is here, but I find it really upsetting when she's going on about how her greatest disappointment in life is not having daughters/granddaughters, especially infront of my DS1 who is old enough to understand.

bellamountain · 07/08/2023 22:13

Sounds like she needs to see a psychiatrist.

ChubbyMorticia · 07/08/2023 22:17

My MIL first was mad I was pregnant again (joke was on her, we had three more kids after she announced that God told her we were only to adopt from now on).

But when she found out we were having a girl?

She expected to name our daughter. I was a single parent when I met my husband, so since I already had a daughter, it was only fair that she got to name the new baby, since she didn’t get a turn.

Nope. We already had a name, not discussing it, no committee needed. Our baby was not her chance to live out her mommy daughter fantasies.

Firm boundaries, @DoneAndDusted123 You’re going to need them.

thaegumathteth · 07/08/2023 22:18

MiL bought a load of girls clothes when I was pregnant with her first grandchild who was then a boy. She went on to tell me how disappointed she was when her second child (dh) was another boy.

Then I had a second child - first girl in father in laws side of the family for a very long time. She couldn't have been less interested 🤷🏻‍♀️

DivingForLove · 07/08/2023 22:24

@WhatDoIKnowAboutThis you’re reading a very different Mumsnet to me! The “gender disappointment” (god I hate that made up phrase) threads are all about how devastating it is to have a boy! Lots of “ooh I want a best friend, mini me, girl to go shopping with” yada yada.

OP I had the same thing - they were fine with my first son but my second was a massive disappointment because he wasn’t a girl 😢. They’ve always treated him like crap and he has no relationship with them 🤷‍♀️

Babyenroute · 07/08/2023 22:34

Mine was the same... we told them we were having a baby at around the same time as my BIL and SIL as had similar due date and before even saying congratulations or how excited they were she said 'well one of them has got to be a girl'. We had a wonderful boy and they had a fabulous girl. My love for my son has definitely allowed me to forget and not care as a wouldn't change a thing about the baby we were given!

YouAreBeingUnbearable · 07/08/2023 22:48

strawberryjeans · 07/08/2023 19:53

Just ignore her. Is she projecting? Perhaps she wanted a girl but got your DH

The third paragraph literally begins ‘On top of this she always finds ways to work into the conversation how disappointed she initially was when her three kids all turned out to be boys’. It’s zero excuse for comments like MIL has been giving to OP.

YouAreBeingUnbearable · 07/08/2023 22:50

@Elephantsdontlikechocolate what do you mean “like any normal person she’d rather a girl”? What an odd comment. She’s totally entitled to her private thoughts but voicing them repeatedly to OP to the point of upsetting her isn’t appropriate.

Also, you don’t need to quote the OP when replying. We’ve all read it already and don’t need to scroll through it again.