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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think MIL's obsession with girls is bloody irritating.

70 replies

DoneAndDusted123 · 07/08/2023 19:32

So I'm currently 7 months pregnant with my first baby and we know that we're expecting a boy. We're over the moon and very happy that he's growing strong in there and can't wait to meet him. But my MILs constant comments surrounding his sex are starting to really bug me

When we called her to announce the sex she interrupted the announcement to say "oh is it a little girl?!" really excitedly which made our news seem disappointing even though it's not. She then called up extended family and her friends to tell them the news in what was apparently a very "yeah they're having a boy, bummer" kind of way..

On top of this she always finds ways to work into the conversation how disappointed she initially was when her three kids all turned out to be boys and that the third time she fell into a huge depression. We were discussing baby names the other day and she just kept talking about all the names that she wanted to call her imaginary daughter's 🙄

I get that after three boys it's normal that she might have had a slight preference but her attitude is just irritating at best and malicious at worst. Sometimes she makes it seem like she's not even excited to meet her first grandchild...

She's also fed me the "a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is for life" line a few times. I maintain that this saying is really bloody weird and stupid...

I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive and should just let her share her thoughts but I'm sorely tempted to ask her to not come over anymore if she doesn't stop.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

RegeRegeRege · 07/08/2023 22:51

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 07/08/2023 22:02

So what? Of course, like any normal person, she'd rather a girl.
It can't be helped and she'll probably still like the kid even if not ideal.
A baby is a baby.

Show quote history

Hope you don’t, and never, have kids. Vile.

amispeakingintongues · 07/08/2023 22:55

lanthanum · 07/08/2023 19:40

If she's overbearing anyway, it might be a very good thing he's a boy, rather than the girl she's been waiting 30 years for.

Exactly this. I'd be quite relieved if i was you OP! Overbearing MILs are a pain in the arse.

AmazingSnakeHead · 07/08/2023 23:02

That's awful OP I would be so hurt. I remember the joy and excitement of being pregnant with my own little boy and would have been devastated if the people who were supposed to also be excited to meet him were already making out like he was somehow lacking. Your little boy is a person, a real full and complete person! It's really weird to treat him as if he's some product that you've got the wrong version of. Fuck that.

I would tell her straight. Nip it in the bud now, before he's here. Get your DH to do it preferably. I would do it seriously, don't try and fob it off as a joke, and if she tries to make out like you're being too sensitive just stick to your guns. I had to do this with my family about the constant only having one child comments, in the end I said something like "Look, I know you wanted another grandchild and are disappointed. I'm sorry that you feel DS isn't enough. But he is more than enough to me, he is perfect. He is exactly the family that I want and I really don't want you to raise this topic with me again". Cue lots of "I was only joking!", But they never did mention it again (perhaps if only to avoid the awkwardness of me repeating that speech...).

Also when it comes to the idiotic "a sons a son" quote I've found smiling sweetly and saying "you never know, he might find a husband. Will he still be my son then?" to be quite effective.

SoberIsTheNew50 · 08/08/2023 06:50

Waffle19 · 07/08/2023 21:19

Oh and my MIL literally quoted the whole ‘a son is a son until he takes a wife’ thing at the weekend (my DS is now 4). I just ignore any comments like that.

I have 2 boys and if anyone quoted that to me (it has not happened yet) I would be SO tempted to say 'But what if eh takes a husband?'

SoberIsTheNew50 · 08/08/2023 06:51

Aaahhh should have read that @AmazingSnakeHead has already said that! (note to self, RTFT in full)

Biscuitmunchers · 08/08/2023 07:21

Kill her with kindness. Try the whole ‘I’m so glad you’re experienced with boys, I look forward to your tips for raising a son’. Try and sway her from the girl obsession before baby arrives. If it does continue then definitely tell her it’s hurtful and unnecessary. As other posters have said be thankful in a way as she would be very overbearing if you were having a girl.
I had this issue with my mother about boys. Most of us had girls and she only gave attention to her grandsons, making awful comments in front of the granddaughters about only liking male children. It’s soul destroying for a child so try and nip it in the bud now.

shivawn · 08/08/2023 07:29

My MIL is the opposite and favours her male grandchildren for the most part, I think it's because she had 8 boys herself and as adults now they're all really close to her whereas her one daughter drives her mad.

I'd take no notice of your MIL, her preference is her problem. You're having a baby boy and that's something to be really excited about! I'm pregnant with my second boy myself and I'm so happy for my son to be getting a little brother.

whowhatwerewhy · 08/08/2023 08:17

I would say " sorry that your disappointed in not having a granddaughter, are you trying to tell us you want nothing to do with your grandson? As that's the impression I'm getting and it's very hurtful you can't be happy for us "

iwantawisteriathisyear · 08/08/2023 08:31

I had exactly this scenario from my MIL, even down to the stupid rhyme about a daughter for life etc.

I have 3 sons, all now in their 30's who want nothing to do with her as she made her preference for their girl cousins very clear.
Unfortunately, the girl granddaughters also have nothing to do with her.

She's a lonely old woman who really upset me every time I had a beautiful baby boy. She even had the nerve to tell me to keep having babies until I " got it right and had a girl".

My advice is to completely ignore her. Don't let it get you down. Concentrate on bringing up your lovely boy to be a beautiful child. Enjoy him.

Hibiscrubbed · 08/08/2023 08:43

If your H is going to be a drip about stopping her being so unbelievably stupid and unpleasant to you, then you’ll just have to stop doing anything with her. Don’t respond, don’t reply, don’t see her, completely ignore her. Stop contact.

GrunkleStan · 08/08/2023 08:59

I had this with my mum.

When I was pregnant with ds2, she told me that if I "concentrated hard and thought positive thoughts" it would be a girl. Erm, no mum, it doesn't work like that.

Batshit, utterly batshit.

Moglet4 · 08/08/2023 09:08

Genuinely curious: can I ask why you were hoping for a boy if it was your first grandchild?

Moglet4 · 08/08/2023 09:09

Genuinely curious: can I ask why you wanted a boy if it was your first grandchild?

dahliadazed · 08/08/2023 09:13

When DS was born my in laws wrote ‘at last a boy’ in a card. They give the impression of valuing boys over girls - it’s really unpleasant as I have two DDs.

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 09:21

I would say something to her, if she carries on or you (or DH, should be a united front) don’t feel able to pull her up on it, stop discussing your pregnancy, baby names etc with her. Just talk about non baby related topics

If this behaviour isn’t stopped I would worry that she will demonstrate her disappointment towards your son when he is old enough to realise she wanted a granddaughter

WeWereInParis · 08/08/2023 09:22

She sounds like a nightmare, but imagine how she'd be if you were having a girl. The girl she's always wanted!

I'm sorely tempted to ask her to not come over anymore if she doesn't stop.

How often do you see her? I would definitely be shutting down the conversation every time this nonsense came up, and would ask DH to say something along the lines of "cut it out or bugger off" but in slightly nicer phrasing.

GrumpyOldCrone · 08/08/2023 09:32

It’s extraordinarily rude for prospective grandparents to express a preference for a girl or a boy. If your MIL doesn’t understand that, your husband needs to tell her. No long speeches or explanations about it, just “That’s a rude thing to say.” And shut it down every time. If she doesn’t learn after the third time, leave as soon as she starts. Don’t worry about upsetting her - she isn’t worried about upsetting you.

Overbearing family members need to learn the consequences of their behaviour before the baby is born, because it’s really tough trying to deal with this stuff after the birth.

Jamtartforme · 08/08/2023 11:37

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 07/08/2023 22:02

So what? Of course, like any normal person, she'd rather a girl.
It can't be helped and she'll probably still like the kid even if not ideal.
A baby is a baby.

Show quote history

Not in my family. Boys are the prize as, for some reason, all the women have MH issues and are ‘difficult’ characters. The men have somehow escaped unscathed and are all easygoing successful types who are a bit of a tonic amongst the mayhem of female fallouts.

WeWereInParis · 08/08/2023 11:42

Of course, like any normal person, she'd rather a girl.

😂😂

Loads of people don't care one bit either way, and plenty actually want boys! There are frequent threads on here about grandparents favouring grandsons.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 01/12/2023 07:46

It’s time someone did upset her, she’s not afraid of upsetting others herself is she?
I’d be telling her it’s about time she got over her disappointment in not having a girl. And to have good long hard think about how her constantly harping on about it makes her three sons feel. And DH needs to find his spine and advocate for his son.
”Mum, I’ve heard that you seem dissatisfied that our baby isn’t a girl. We were all made aware of the fact you wanted girls yourself and having boys caused your depression.

This little boy is our much wanted baby and I don’t want him to be made to feel like a disappointment or lesser because he’s not a girl.

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