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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious DH just smacked DS (2)

83 replies

Shaniece · 27/02/2008 20:00

for putting a bit of lego in his mouth - and yesturday he smacked him for pooing on the floor (he missed the potty). I don't see what the big deal is regarding pooing on the floor - i mean he is only 2 and clearly not ready.

I really don't agree with smacking children, I don't think it achieves anything at all. DH and I have completely different ideas about bringing up our DC's.

I am feeling really pissed off right now. I'm typing this quickly whilst he puts him to bed. AIBU to be so annoyed?

OP posts:

fishie · 27/02/2008 21:37

i very strongly feel that smacking is not on, even for really bad stuff. physical intervention to avert risk or harm no problem, but not hitting as punishment.

dh was hit a bit, including caning from his father and he also believes it did him no harm. a few months ago ds hit dh and hurt him, dh responded with a tap on the hand (ds also 2). i was furious and shouted at both of them a lot - the result is that it is now accepted that nobody hits anybody in our house.

i have also talked to dh a lot about escalation of punishments, losing temper etc etc. i sound rather dull and worthy here but it is very important to sort this out quickly.

Divastrop · 27/02/2008 21:37

i dont see why the op has to take responsibility for her dh's behaviour.bizarre

Unfitmother · 27/02/2008 21:41

I'm totally anti-smacking 2 yr olds but QC's claim that 'This is kind of like an abortion or no abortion debate, there isn't a midway ground' is absolute nonsense.

Divastrop · 27/02/2008 21:41

actually,i do now,from a legal POV

Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 21:44

Well as Blu commented, "I would chuck out a man who insisted that he would not change his ways if it involved smacking a 2 year-old for missing a potty. It's cruel."

It's perfectly possible to remove a child from that environment, so by leaving a child in that environment you become complicit, don't you?

Obv best to try to talk him round first though.

Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 21:45

Why do you say that Unfit? I mean either you hit your children or you don't, surely? What's the middle ground? Hairpulling? Shoving?

FairyMum · 27/02/2008 21:47

actually I think it must be really difficult to disagree on something so fundamental with a man that you otherewise love. Its easy to say we would just throw him out. I really feel for you, but you have to stick up for your son on this one!

monkeybutler · 27/02/2008 21:50

I feel terrible now. My DS (aged 3) punched a baby at playgroup this morning and I shot over to him, grabbed and and told him what he had done wrong and to say sorry to baby (and mum obviously). He refused so I smacked his arm. It wasnt as hard as the one he gave the baby by the way. I took him out of the room, crouched down to his level and explained again what he had done wrong and he went back in to say sorry. However, I was so mortfied by what I had done I went home before tea and toast! Nobody seemed bothered but I felt like Myra Bloody Hyndley. Thing is that I am not new to the toddler nonsense as I also have a 4 year old DD!!. Smack! You dont smack other people - how schizo is that?

Original poster

Shaniece · 27/02/2008 21:53

FairyMum - my kids will ALWAYS come first, and I mean before my DH or anyone else. Sometimes my DH does things (like mentioned) and if I were in a position to leave I would.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 27/02/2008 21:58

monkey, i probably would have done exactly the same thing, and felt exactly the same way as you did too. But this reaction i think is perfectly acceptable, you are right, it doesn't give the right message, although removing him from the room was very much the right thing to do. Shame you went home before tea and toast, you probably would have been reassured that you had done the right thing actually.

With regards to the OP, he smacked a two year old for missing the potty??? What is he going to do when he actually does do something naughty? It needs to made clear to this bullying fuckwit man that this is to NEVER happen again.

I have smacked my two year old for aggressive behaviour, never so it really hurt, and consequently is ineffective, so i dont do it. Im not anti smacking, but i dont really think it does any good.

FairyMum · 27/02/2008 22:00

Shaniece,can you not get him to stop? Perhaps if he understood a little more about WHY children do as they do sometimes? I think its important for children to be allowed to be naughty in their own home too without the fear of getting smacked.

monkeybutler · 27/02/2008 22:01

My boy pooed on the altar cloth at church - I didnt even wallop him for that and he will surely go to hell for it!

Original poster

Shaniece · 27/02/2008 22:02

monkeybutler - it's difficult I know when a child hits another child (what to do). I personally wouldn't hit my children but I can understand the situation you were in. One thing I have learnt is - there is no such thing as a 'perfect parent' and I try not to judge other people;s parenting skills and hopefully vice versa.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 27/02/2008 22:04

Shanice, you can tell your DH that you are most definately not a soft touch and a push over. Proving it by telling him that if he ever lays a finger on your son again you will leave him/kill him, whatever feels the most appropriate. Or just say to him that it is not something you are willing to accept and will not be swayed on it.

purpleduck · 27/02/2008 22:04

I smacked ds's hand when he was 3 (ish) for putting a plastic bag over his head. (twice - smacked the 2nd time)

He just reminded me of it - and he's 8!!!

Lego, if I stretch, i can maybe see, as perhaps dh is scared he will swallow it, and be injured??

Not the poo thing - agree with VVV

Feisty1 · 27/02/2008 22:11

I believed in smacking until my DS was about 3.5. Before I felt that a smack was the only way and you can blah blah blah all you like about removing them and naughty step. I don't have the time, I am a working mum. Smacking worked for me then.

However, I disagree with smacking now that xxx is 4 and can understand a certain amount of logic and punishment ie; on the stairs or taking away of sweets etc.

Feisty1 · 27/02/2008 22:14

Monkeybutler

That is funny!

Why, please tell me that it wasn't because he was worried about being there because fo the priests.

AbbeyA · 27/02/2008 22:18

I didn't understand Divastrops post saying she doesn't understand why OP has to take responsibility for DHs behaviour-of course she has to take responsibility-to protect her DC.

Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 22:24

Yes but I was puzzled about why saying that was contentious. There were more than a few people saying "No, no responsibility, not today thank you" or the equivalent and I was genuinely baffled ...

Not for the first time

Original poster

Shaniece · 27/02/2008 22:33

I am genuinely wondering what you suggest I should do? Slap DH, phone Police, phone Social services??? What do you think I should do Quattro? As I have said many a time in this thread, DH doesn't do this regularly.

I think Quattro is a wind-up and wants an argument?

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 22:36

No I don't want an argument - just tell me why it is contentious or upsetting to say that it is both parents' responsibility to protect their children?

Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 22:37

Anyhow, either you are going to accept the occasional slapping of your children or you are not, but whatever you do, good luck with it.

lucyellensmum · 27/02/2008 22:40

Shanice, if this is just a case of different views on parenting then it is quite simply a case of sitting down with DH and letting him know just how important this is to you. But you said that you wanted to leave? Was that because you felt under pressure by the responses? If he were my DH, i wouldnt leave him over this, why would i? I would just sit down and talk to him and make him understand that is something you dont want to happen. My comment about telling him you would kill him was a bit tongue in cheek so i apologise if that felt a little extreme.

Are there other issues that make you want to leave?

RedJools · 27/02/2008 22:55

I think people are being a bit extreme! My dh is a bit stricter than I am with the kids, he tends to shout more readily than I would. I quite often say to himj quietly that I thik he maybe was a bit too harsh on whichever one got the rollocking. We have similar but not identical styles of parenting- surely that's the point of having two parents. They are his children too, and he should have a say in their upbringing! I don't actually see that the OP's dh is actually seriously hurting or battering this child, to warrant ending the marriage!! He may not have actually smacked the child very hard, but it has upset the OP. I'm not sure telling her that her husband is abusive and she is jointly responsible for his abuse is helpful! he may not really know how else to parent, and I'm sure Shaneice can discuss that with him (without him flying off the handle and battering her to death!!) and they can work towards a solution! He may even feel bad about smacking his son, and is braving it out. I would be upset with my dh, but I would talk to him and let him know I wasn't too happy about it, and explain why. I wouldn't go in there all guns blazing telling him he MUST parent the way I tell him! I bet Shaneice's dh brings a lot to the table wrt the family dynamic. My dh isn't great at the discipline bit, but he is fab at taking the kids out on fun outings and tends to spoil them in other areas. it doesn't have to be black and white. I'm sure, Shaneice, if you speak to him calmly he will agree to try other methods of discipline- "I'd really like to try this, and try not to smack. Can we try that/ this for a while, and make it a policy NOT to smack until we see how this is working?" Don't alienate him from the whole parenting/ disciplining thing. Just try to guide him a bit more. I don't think you need to leave him and rush off to a hostel just yet, do you?

Feisty1 · 27/02/2008 23:07

I have just asked my DH who knew what a smack was as do I. I asked him what it meant. He says' it was a smack to the legs but my Mother used to make sure it was inside the top of the leg and it hurt.

I asked him why. He couldn't tell me but comes from a family of totally polite but happy to put their point across people. Not one of them has issues. I have asked all of them whether they smacked their children or not and some did and some didn't. The occupations and general life of them is mixed.

He still advocates a smack, but I don't as I feel our children would benefit from having priviledges removed.

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