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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious DH just smacked DS (2)

83 replies

Shaniece · 27/02/2008 20:00

for putting a bit of lego in his mouth - and yesturday he smacked him for pooing on the floor (he missed the potty). I don't see what the big deal is regarding pooing on the floor - i mean he is only 2 and clearly not ready.

I really don't agree with smacking children, I don't think it achieves anything at all. DH and I have completely different ideas about bringing up our DC's.

I am feeling really pissed off right now. I'm typing this quickly whilst he puts him to bed. AIBU to be so annoyed?

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 20:46

You should put a stop to this really - you're allowing it to happen and you know (like I know and I have smacked too) that it's wrong.

Revolting

Original poster
Shaniece · 27/02/2008 20:47

Thanks Lulu. I agree we need to talk. DH is upstairs watching Top Gear in bed and I really don't want to talk to him tonight - I bloody well will tomorrow though.

OP posts:
Janni · 27/02/2008 20:49

You are much more in tune with your little one's needs and it is a shame your DH won't listen to you.

Do you have a good HV? Could you arrange a home visit when DH is around and ask her opinion on how best to deal with challenging behaviour? I'll bet you any money your DH wouldn't tell her that smacking never did him any harm!!

Original poster
Shaniece · 27/02/2008 20:51

Quattro - Not sure I get your post. I NEVER allow DH to smack DC's. He knows how I feel about it so this is why I am angry he did it. This is not something that happens on a regular basis I can assure you - I would have left him ages ago.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 27/02/2008 20:52

YANBU. Neither of the instances were even in anyway naughty, so smacking inappropriate.

Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 20:53

You say you never allow it yet it has happened twice.

You might object to it but clearly it is still happening. All I'm saying is that you have the power to stop it.

Lulumama · 27/02/2008 20:54

QC, her Dh has to take repsonsibilityt for his actions, not just up to shaniece to say no.. he has to stop raising his hand

liahgen · 27/02/2008 20:56

my dh is slightly pro smacking as "never did me any harm" but as he knows i am totally against it, he doesn't do it.

Does cause problems between us though sometimes i have to say cos there are times when we simply can't agree, (still working on how to get round those)

Bless her though 2 is still a baby. Bet she wondered what she'd done wrong.

For the record, my sil is very pro smacking and does her just 2 yr dd!!! I threatened my older kids with some similar diciplines recently, and said, "J and B respect their mother, maybe I should smack you" My then 12 yr dd said, "they don't respect her mum, thy're scared of her"
quite an eye opener.

Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 20:57

Well yes but he doesn't think it is wrong. This is kind of like an abortion or no abortion debate, there isn't a midway ground. And frankly the two examples of behaviour for which the OPs DC was smacked are totally out of order.

What I am saying is that the OP too has to take responsibility ...

Blu · 27/02/2008 20:58

Shaneice - would he read any books on parenting?

can you start by talking about what you want for your child - e.g he will be confident, know right from wrong, be able to make decisions, be happy etc etc

Then talk about the best way to bring these about...like thinking about his stage of development, thinking about the differences between naughty behaviour and accidents, and the importance - and above all effectiveness of using positive affirmation to encourage good behaviour, and encourage when learning new things.

Tell him that praising positive behaviour has been proven time and time again to be more effective in getting little ones to 'behave' and to get things right when they are learning new things.

That you are not a 'soft touch',because you want the same outcomes as him, BUT you are prepared to use more effective methods to succeed.

can he be the only person in the land who has not watched those parenting programmes which focus on reward?? (and some sitting in naughty spot - but at 2 they still so badly want to get things right, it's easiest to work with that)

I will be honest. the idea of smacking a two year old for missing the potty makes me feel ill. I think people are right to be saying you need to come to an agreed understanding of parenting, but truly, I would chuck out a man who insisted that he would not change his ways if it involved smacking a 2 year-old for missing a potty. It's cruel - and will lead to trouble for your child as he grows.

SugarBird · 27/02/2008 21:03

Agree YANBU. Your DS was just doing what 2-year-olds do.

Seems like your DH being smacked as a child has done damage as it has taught him that this behaviour is ok .

Time to talk seriously with him and as Lulumama says, get him to take responsibility for his actions.

Original poster
Shaniece · 27/02/2008 21:05

Thanks lulu and Blu, good post Blu I am going to show him your post tomorrow .

Going to ignore Quattro's post .

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 21:08

That's fine, of course. You don't have to take responsibility if you don't want to. Many women chose not to.

K999 · 27/02/2008 21:08

Oh god no....you ANBU........I hate smacking of any sort and am totally against it...it makes me so sad.....and IMHO there is no excuse.....

I hope you can talk to DH about it and move on.....xx

littleducks · 27/02/2008 21:16

I do kind of wish they did some kind of parenting questionaire thing before you have kids, dh has different ideas on discipline and these things never came up before we had kids, dd is nearly two and this is when the actual parenting instead of baby 'care' begins.

You need to decide together on a strategy, maybe a naughty step, countdown, whatever and show your dh how to use it so that you aren't saying 'dont smack him' but offering a more effective alternative.

I think a child does need to be told off for lego scenario to a degree from a safety point of view but you need to fully explain that potty training is a series of mistakes and accidents until eventual sucess.

PotPourri · 27/02/2008 21:20

Man! YANBU. This is terrible. Try googling smacking and get some backup data on what the effects of smacking are. The first one is that the child learns that hitting is ok (like you husband). And if hitting is ok because you are angry, then is DH willing for DC to hit him when she is frustrated or something. Or worse, hit other children because they aren't doing what she says etc.

Even pro-smackers wouldn't hit for accidents. It's like hitting a child for throwing up somewhere!! Totally out of order. As an early post said, ask your DH if he would like you to smack him next time he dribbles on the toilet seat.

It needs sorted quickly chick, smacking for those reasons is abusive. If it was you he was hitting, that would be abuse, but because it is a child he thinks it is fine - and it's not!

givemehope · 27/02/2008 21:20

Me and my brother were smacked (too often) as kids and, in the last few years, he's gained a convicted for assault and I've been assaulted by my XP.
It does do damage - just by teaching you that violence is 'normal'.
You know this already though - and I do understand that it's probably hard for your DH to change his ways if he doesn't know any different.
I haven't been on any of the parentline courses but others say they're good - do you think he'd consider going on one with you?

FairyMum · 27/02/2008 21:20

FGS! Sorry, but if my Dh smacked my child for putting something in his mouth I would fall out of love. Children put things in their mouth. Its a normal developmental stage and that's why you need to make sure there aren't small items around. don't go around smacking your child for doing something normal. Shocking!

PotPourri · 27/02/2008 21:21

Sorry, refered to your DS throughout my post as 'she'. Meant 'he'

K999 · 27/02/2008 21:25

I hate smacking...its not only the physical pain that a child feels but the emotional/scared one too, and it makes me very

If my dp laid a finger on the dcs I would leave.....

givemehope · 27/02/2008 21:27

Quattro - Shaniece is here asking for help and doesn't agree with what her DH is doing. Don't scare her off by having a go.

Original poster
Shaniece · 27/02/2008 21:32

I agree with you PotPourri and FairyMum.

He knows my views on smacking I don't agree with it for any reasons - especially the reasons mentioned.

To be fair, we must be doing something right because our DC's (ages 5 and 2) are really happy kids and 90% of the time well behaved. Like I said, DH doesn't smack DC's on a regular basis, and if he did I would have left him ages ago.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 21:32

Actually I am not having a go. I'm saying that in this situation both parents are culpable for placing a child in this environment and therefore both parents should take responsibility for finding a solution. That's not having a go.

There's too much woolly thinking in this type of situation - "It's not me, it's him" - whereas of course it is both parents.

It is a difficult situation, and I wish the OP all the best. Lots of good advice on here.

blousy · 27/02/2008 21:33

Before we had kids, my dh was of the 'never did me any harm' brigade regarding smacking.
I am passionately anti-smacking and we agreed that we would both never smack our kids - ever. He now thinks it's abhorrent as I do. You need to sit down and have a really serious talk about this issue.
If he thinks it's OK to hit a 2yr old, what's he going to be like in a couple of years?

K999 · 27/02/2008 21:35

Sometimes parents panic and smack....a kind of instant reaction if you like. I think that this is what my mum and dad did anyway.

Try not to be too harsh. I am sure if you can sit and talk about it, you can work it out!!