Families are shit here?

[87to]

That's it really

Nobody helps each other, siblings view siblings as unimportant and "not part of their life" mothers watch their offspring struggle.

That's it really.

I finally understand why old people get put in a care home.

It’s very true for my family, when I fell pregnant I was told not to expect help, my child, my responsibility whereas my husbands family (who live abroad) would be happy to do absolutely anything to help us as family is everything to them and that goes for both mothers and fathers, they are one close knit unit and they always have these huge get togethers and they truly want to be in each others lives, it was really eye opening to me as my family just put up with each other.

It wasn't clear initially to be fair.

Now you've explained your position a bit more the OP makes mores sense.

On a practical level many of us don't live near our families and have to work. How much help am I going to be giving my parents when they live 4 hours away and I'm working full time?

I'm not NC with any family but when it comes to extended family we are so far apart and rarely see one another that they simply aren't relevant to my life. If I had to choose I'd prioritise close friends that I do have a meaningful relationship with.

If by 'here' you mean mumsnet, yes I do think they are all horrible. It seems like every second story is about families not helping. No one is entitle to help, but surely being a family is offering the help that someone isn't entitled to?

Not everyone has an extended family mindset. I'm not close to my DBs. We aren't no contact just don't have a lot of contact. If there is contact it is initiated by me.

DBs and I have little in common other than we grew up in the same house. We have never asked favours of them.

I think there's two main reasons for this one is a move away from religion which means a move away from community and that kind of community spirit and two people just don't have the time or money of it they used to because they're working all hours of the day paying ridiculous prices for everything and are just stressed to the max so trying to find time to see family or support them through situations is tough.
I think we have a massive issue with all the things that come with poverty as well - alcohol, drugs, abuse etc and that causes a breakdown within families as well.

So I don't think it's just as easy to say people no longer want families. I think it's true that families may be aren't the same as they were before, but I also think it's easy to look at things through rose tinted glasses because I don't think they were all that great many years ago too.

That's it, really. There'll be a bias towards negative experiences on a forum that's meant for people to ask for advice/help. It'd be odd for most threads to be about how a loving family one has.

It wasn't clear to begin with. I initially thought the OP was attacking people like me who have no contact their mothers. But subsequent posts look more like a criticism of people like my mother, who treat their kids like shit and then sit and moan about how lonely they are when they're cut off.

All my friends from other countries seem to have an easier time and better life in general.

I wasn't dealt with the best cards in life and have tried my best. My parents are drug addicts who completely begrudge the lack of help they think their entitled to now they are ageing.

My husband is supportive and wonderful and my in-laws come from a country which help each other but actually they are so toxic that my husband is no contact with them. We decided their help would come with so many conditions and abuse that NC was the way forward.

My own sisters have split off into their own lives and I can't blame them.

Just wish things were different

Why is nobody getting that I'm clearly talking about elderly parents who reap what they sow?

Because you asked a spiteful question. Strangely enough on reasons to support your parents to move to a care home "because I can't stand them" isn't really an option.

It’s not my experience but a lot of MN seem to not live local to family or get any help with their dc. It’s a race to the bottom it would seem and anyone who expresses the wish that their parents should show some interest in their dh care shot down as selfish.

Maybe they’d been pricks to their children? Maybe they’d abused them?

Same here @WestwardHo1 !

To the OP, And that was after she had cared for him for 7 years 24-7 and couldn’t leave the house unless I took them both and that was after she had heart surgery and couldn’t care for herself let alone him.

Guess who was doing a lot of the caring for both of them, all the shopping, admin, hospital visits etc etc - yes me!

and do you know what? Guess which wonderful people helped me with my DC, made me things, lent me money, loved me unconditionally. Those bloody uncaring British family members.

so wind your neck in OP your generalisations are appallingly incorrect.

Yes exactly.
Unfortunately for us, the big happy family from my husbands side was also very toxic but I'm happy for you!

I also think this attitude of a care home being the worst thing for elderly people is very damaging and very 80’s. Is it so very scandalous to put a parent in the place that has medics, nurses, round the clock competent care and that can provide for them whilst taking burden away from their adult children?

Well, I for one was a bit perplexed by what point you are making at first.

when their countries have been destroyed by the west is a rather sweeping statement but if we're talking about the harm of colonial expansion I don't know many people who would argue about a lot of that but it's a bit of a random comment to lob into this thread.

I think old people are in care/supported living for various reasons but usually because they can't cope living alone and the rest of the family can't manage their needs. I don't think it's just 'reap what you sow' because you've had poor family relationships and no-one cared enough about you to take you in.

There is a more individualistic society now but the multi generational homes of some other cultures has its issues. I was reading the other day about homes for the elderly being set up in India - Kashmir maybe - it's a newish concept and some people don't like it but some older people had no-one to look after them. Not sure if they were foul to their offspring or not!

Is Poland being destroyed by the West? In my local area by far the largest group of immigrants are from Poland.

Me and my brother are like best friends.

I also think care homes are a good thing.

All of my elderly relatives have not wanted to be put in a care home and so lived a very lonely, boring life.
Family visited as much as they could but it was very difficult when everyone worked FT and had small children.

My gran was the only one put in a care home and she found it really good.
There were activities on. She didn’t have to cook or clean. There was always someone to talk to. She made friends in the other residents etc.
It completely changed my opinion on care homes.

I’ve already told my DD to put me straight into a home as soon as I am unable to care for myself.
She was not asked to be brought into this world and she needs to live her life and not worry about caring for me.

@87to as they live abroad we don’t get to see his family often, it’s only once every 4/5 years maybe but they always spoil the kids with attention and usher us off somewhere so we can have a break so it is nice when we do get the opportunity, I still find myself feeling very awkward around them all as I’m not used to people being so involved with one another!

Sorry your family is shit OP.

I have to say, I am not entitled WRT my mum - I’ve been financially self sufficient since the age of 18. But the fact is my mum made a fortune due to buying and selling houses at the right time, she was mortgage free by 45 due to buying a house for £60k and selling it for £150k. That was 20 years ago and she has done the same since yet is always skint. She lent £1,000 off me last year with a promise to pay £250 a month back. That was a year ago, I’m still owed £500 and she mains when I ask her for an sintament

It’s not a problem but I feel like if I needed a financial bail out she’d not be able to help a scrap - I expected she’d have been financially wiser and saved up rather than relying on me for money. When I see other people my age getting £50k deposits from aprents or does sting a bit

On mumsnet you see it all the time but in real life I don't know anyone who is estranged from family or has no family help with young children.

Agree with PP people post looking for help you are hardly going to see a post: "aren't my in-laws wonderful they have DC twice a week for no money, DM and DF have them the other days the same. They offered when I was pregnant and are so kind and helpful all the time. I am so happy I can work full time without paying for nursery. "

Not only is it pointless its bloody tactless when so many people are struggling.

I don't think it's the majority. I am NC with my abusive mother. But I don't know anyone else who is. I am close with DB due to a shared history, no-one else will ever quite understand our childhood but we live on opposite sides of the country. Yes my mother may struggle in her later years, i don't actually wish her any ill will but I won't be reconciling.

Also Mumsnet is very biased because posters only tend to speak about the negatives.

No one starts a thread saying how nice their mum is because she babysits every week.

Its usually threads saying how awful they are because of X,Y,Z so it is skewed because most families aren’t like that.

On MN people are very cold about helping family. You chose to have kids/marry that man/take that job/move to that place/make that mistake so you deserve what you get.

You signed up to it. It’s your responsibility not theirs. Nobody should help you and how dare you expect anything from anyone. How dare you think your mum should buy you a pack of nappies in an emergency post c-section. Etc.

And on threads about dogs, there are many voices saying they prefer dogs to people. I believe them.

Many on MN don’t seem to want to help
others including family on principle.

Thankfully it’s not my world.

@Clefable , ditto to everything you said.

As for ‘putting old people in care homes’, OP, if you’d ever had to cope with dementia, mostly on your own, 24/7, I think you’d understand why all too often family carers simply can’t cope any more.

I wouldn’t wish dementia on anybody, but I do often think it’d be good for those people who make pious, judgemental comments, to have their eyes opened by experience.