Families are shit here?

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That's it really

Nobody helps each other, siblings view siblings as unimportant and "not part of their life" mothers watch their offspring struggle.

That's it really.

I finally understand why old people get put in a care home.

You describe your dad as lovely. I take that as he was a great father to you. And in other circumstances you would love to be around him and care if it was safe and possible.

I'm sorry you took my post as judgemental towards you. I obviously know different factors and situations influence a lot. And I'm sorry what you are going through.

I don't judge anyone who puts their parents in a care home. I do judge the bitter parents in there who moan their kids don't come to see them, as there is very often a good reason why their children don't bother with them. I should have put a disclaimer in my OP

At first reading I was offended and thought WTAF. But then I thought about the lack of support within my wider family, so yeah, I think you're right.

Is it? Doesn't sound like 99% of the families I know.

I thought maybe by "here" they meant MN.

Same thank goodness

From their updates, I think they're talking about white people

Ah. I see we're grandma bashing again. You now understand why these selfish older women have been 'put into' homes.
If its families you're talking about, then you seem to have forgotten the adult children who don't want their parents and other extended family anywhere near their 'own little family'. Who ask if visiting a parent (in law) once a month is too often etc.
Regardless, none of these scenarios have any resemblance to my life. In my family we have helped each other in accordance with our means and needs for generations, and its far more common in my circle for this to be the case than not.

You know the saying about walking a mile in someone's shoes before you judge them?

Do you really think it's OK to criticise people without knowing their circumstances?

I didn't dump my parent in a nursing home. I found a lovely, new home where she would be cared for. This was after her mental health went in to sharp decline, and she had started to wander unsteadily in the street in her nightie. I lived 2 hours away and had 3 children and a full time job. Should I have ignored the situation? Let her be attacked in the street or fall on her hard stone floor? I mean I could have saved 5 years of nursing home fees if I had let her die, but hey.

Now that's interesting. Because I know more non white people who are low/no contact with relatives.

Although my experience of care homes (have worked in them and visited friends in them) is that they are predominantly white people.

Well no one is coming on MN to say "my mum was so helpful today, so grateful for my family" are they?
The people posting are having a crisis or painful situation and looking for advice.

Same with marriages, people who are happily married to a supportive spouse aren't on here posting constantly about how wonderful their lives are

I think you need to spend less time online Op.......how the hell do you know how the majority of other families function ?? Instead of basing your opinions by what you've read online why don't you spend time with actual people ??

Not my experience but hey ho.

It's prevalent on here because it's a forum for people to share problems and dilemmas, so a lot of the posts about family relationships involve conflict or difficult situations. That's not indicative of the population are large (or even of most people who use this forum).

Most people have a perfectly good relationship with their immediate family, but obviously nobody needs to start a thread called "AIBU to get on really well with my siblings and see my parents regularly?" or "Had lunch with my brother on Sunday and we had a really nice time like we always do" so we tend to hear only from the people whose families are a massive pain in the arse.

OP I think your missing the point that a lot of families only have 1-2 children. Therefore if parents become unwell or require care it all falls on one person. (And if your married to an only child that's x4 parents to 2 children to provide that care as well as look after young families)
People are having children later in life. Therefore grandparents are older.... some have multiple health issues and unable to provide care for grandchildren.
I've been nursing for 16 years... my grandad put on palliative care 15 years ago, has had Alzheimer's for 14 years and my mother is an only child.
He is in a care home as he cannot be left alone AT ALL, doesn't sleep during the night, incontinent, won't allow you or carers to assist with personal care!

I come across a lot of older people who are late 90s who complain they don't see their children very much.... when in fact their children are in their 70s with health problems... trying to support their children and grandchildren... stressed to the max!

What an awful post OP! You have no idea what people have to deal with!

Not in my family...

I finally understand why old people get put in a care home.

That's a horrible thing to say. The vast majority of people in care homes have extreme needs, mostly dementia or high physical needs like entirely paralysed or can't walk at all, sometimes both.. Their families agonise over those decisions but it's literally more than 1 person can ever do alone well.

But you finally understand it in the same breadth as families not liking each other very much. That's pretty insensitive.

No its not. Most families I know get on well. Siblings dont have to be best friends, but that doesnt mean they dont get along.

As for the OP... I actually know several elderly people who put THEMSELVES into care homes. They come and go as they please (covid was a bitch for that), but know that there is someone to take care of them, as they dont actually have kids.
One family friend still maintains her house, and goes there for lunch most days, but sleeps in the home.

Most families I know help each other and get along... But if I had the money, Id probably put my parents in a care home, as I doubt Id be able to care for them, nor would they want me to.

Why is nobody getting that I'm clearly talking about elderly parents who reap what they sow?

But I've worked in a care home many many many years ago and often spoke to elderly women and MEN that felt slighted their children wanted rid of them.

You only got their side of the story didn’t you? You are very niave.
My DH’s parents were emotionally and physically abusive to him as a child, his mother is still extremely manipulative, he’s been in Therapy for 10 years trying to come to terms with it all. If you met his parents you’d think they were lovely people but that’s because they don’t tell the truth.

If my children have to put me in a care home for any reason I hope they do. I wouldn't expect my children to make their lives harder especially the way the world is going!

But if they begrudge helping me do my shopping when I'm frail then I would think iv done something seriously wrong for them to discard me

What a nasty, thoughtless post.

My dad lives in a care home. He lives in a care home because at 81 he has an advanced neurological disease, cannot walk without harming himself, cannot use the toilet, wash or bathe unaided, and has episodes of psychosis where he hallucinates and suffers paranoid delusions and lashes out at people or behaving in a way that endangers himself and others. My mother and one of my siblings were caring for him but my mother can't physically lift him and my sibling who lives there has to work for a living to support their own children. My other sibling and I live three hours away, also have to work full-time, and also can't lift my father. My mother, who is also 81, eventually had a nervous breakdown and she and my sibling were both physically ill from the stress and sleep deprivation of looking after my dad. A daily home visit from a nurse or careworker isn't suitable for my dad because he needs round-the-clock supervision and medication every couple of hours.

We were all absolutely fucking devastated to see my dad going into a care home. We all adore him. My mum has PTSD from the whole experience of having to go through that decision and process, and I still have regular nightmares. It wasn't a decision anyone wanted to make or took lightly. So honestly, take your sneering judgements and shove them up the orifice of your choice.

If you mean based on what you see on Mumsnet, that’s surely skewed by the situations that drive people to ask for advice. If someone posts about feeling unsupported by family or distant from their siblings, it wouldn’t be helpful for me to reply that my family are super supportive and my sister is my best friend. So you’re naturally not hearing about more positive situations.

What’s your real life experience? I don’t know anyone who is totally estranged from their family (or maybe I do, but not well enough that they’ve mentioned it to me) and among the people I know with young children it’s common that grandparents or siblings help out.

Actually I fully understood. I'm not going to turn around to him and say "it's your fault" but in my head I'm fully aware it was probably his fault.

My own mother and father are narcissists and chose drugs and alcohol over me and my sisters.

Actually my mother text me this morning asking if I would lend her £50.
I said no.

I get it

Its a cultural thing. That's why you see so few asian elderly people in homes, the family always look after them somehow, regardless of behaviour. There is no right or wrong here.

However, on the flip side, i think asians tolerate too much because of all my friends, the one who id say has the most problematic relationship with her parents, still puts up/shuts up and sees them weekly to help them out. Also, more often than not in asian families, they do the babysitting as a given.

I think the west have more of a choice and decide whether it's for them/not for them hence you have the whole no contact thing or you have grand parents saying they want to do other things than look after their grandchildren. I doubt very much on all these threads about childcare, that many of the posters are asian. Again, its probably because asian grandparents see their lives as for the children, nothing more. Also a sad situation.

OP you are very judgemental. I am a bit of a crap child but my parents are really against us helping them in anyway. I do what I can. I know people who come from horrible familys who suddenly expect them to drop everything for them when they need care-why should they.
Also, the burden of caring for family members is on women, not men.