AIBU Wanting to take unpaid maternity leave by dipping into house savings?

[Rosemarymountains]

I’m due to go back at the end of the year (39 weeks SMP) but after doing some KIT days it’s made me realise I really do not feel ready to go back. I’m also worried about going back soon because my baby has aversions to feeding and has been on NG tube a few times. As his mum I want to be there whilst he weans rather than expecting grandparents or nursery to do so.

I have savings, not much but they are there as we want to move into a bigger place. I’d have to dip into the savings to afford mortgage, bills whilst I take 3 months unpaid. My partner doesn’t earn enough to pay for both of our share of mortgage and bills.

My partner isn’t sure I should take this time off with him unpaid due to the dip in our savings. I’ve spoken to family members and friends who agree with my partner but I can’t help but feel like me and baby both need this extra time.

Can you relate to this? AIBU? Or shall I go for it?

After everything you have been through, and are still going through by the sounds of things, I think you should take the extra time off. The first few months of a baby's life are pretty stressful at the best of times, even more so if the baby is struggling with feeding and has spent time in the nicu. You won't get this time again, and it is unlikely that you'll regret taking the time off, but I'm not sure the same can be said if you don't take the time to support your baby while they are weaning. Also, babies are much more fun at 6 months than 2 months, so you will get to enjoy some more of the fun mat leave times as well as the stressful hospital times. Please don't beat yourself up about taking early mat leave : pregnancy after loss can be debilitating and you made the right choice for you at that time. You couldn't know then how you feel now.

This!

I'd be looking at how much savings and how much time I could take without totally depleting savings.

Use your accrued holiday at the end of your unpaid mat leave too. Or - if you're going back full time, consider using your annual leave a couple of days each week once back at work so you essentially go back part time whilst being paid full time (until you have used your annual leave) - ease yourself in gently..
It'll feel like there's never a good time to go back!

As a retired CM, can I just say often babies feed better fir someone else rather than Mum at times. Maybe because the care giver dosnt have the worry the Mum has as much. If you do go back on time, it may not be as bad as you think.

You can save more money, you can't get the time back. I'd use the savings.

Do you earn more than your partner? Would it work the other way around if he took some leave while you go back to work?

Don't beat yourself up about taking Mat leave early - you made a decision at the time that that was the right and best thing to do.

Weaning can be a long, drawn out process - DS1 was at least 18m before he'd consistently eat finger food by himself rather than be spoon fed mush (added issues of choking which contributed), so if weaning is your reason for staying off then you might be in for the long haul, especially if there are feeding issues to navigate.

Could you look at all options - maybe your boss would let you use your AL to work part time for a while to give you more days off with your baby after returning to work rather than being unpaid after your leave.

Ultimately, if you can afford it and you feel it's best, I'd honestly say you don't get the time back again and to go for it - but do look at all your options as a couple and figure it out together. Be open and honest with DH about your anxieties about it, not just the practicalities of it because a lot of men just see the practicalities of "well it'll be fine because nursery must wean a lot of babies" rather than "it's a time in babies life that means something specifically to OP"

I think it’s hard to predict how you’ll feel by the end of the year? Can you go back part time as a compromise?

What are the savings for?

How many months of outgoings do they represent?

So for me I was ready at 10 months but definitely wasn't at 6 months but everyone is different.

Can you do more KIT days to help supplement when it gets closer?
I took 9 months off with both of mine (then used holidays). Remember to add bank Holidays on too!

How much holiday does your partner have left?

Just wondering if you could go back 2 days a week, using holiday for 3 days a week for the first couple of months.

With your partner covering the 2 days…

Sounds like you've had a difficult time of it during pregnancy and with your baby. I can see why you aren't ready to go back.

im not in the same position but I am on my last baby and am choosing to take a full year off. I'm dipping into savings and using accrued holiday for the last three months. I was anticipating this and did save for it when I was pregnant.

With my previous babies I just wasn't ready to go back at 9 months and am in a fortunate enough position to use savings this time.

I would speak to babies Dr or midwife ,district nurse,ask professional opinion.
If a grandparent can do it and are happy to then I would consider going back to work.
The thing is,we don't know what's around the corner in life and savings are essential as is avoiding getting into debt if at all possible.
Will your employers keep your job going when you keep taking extra time ?I know they have to for maternity but if you just want continued leave?
And,when would be the right time?in six months would you find another reason to not want to leave baby?
I know it's so very very difficult to leave them but sadly it has to be done.can you have two weeks part time to build up your hours and time away from baby?
make the decision that is right for all three of you.💐

9 month olds are hugely different to a 7 month old, I would go with your plan for a few weeks extra using holiday and leave.
Its true you're never really ready to go back but I really think this will help especially in your circumstances

As others have said, use your holiday! I had my whole year's holiday plus bank holidays to take and split it evenly over the last 3 unpaid months. Therefore I actually got more in those last 3 months as I did when on SMP.

@Rosemarymountains save your KIT days until you reach the unpaid 3 months. You should find that in Jan, Feb, March your payslip includes a tax rebate as well as payment for the KIT days. This maximises your net pay.

You also accrue annual leave which you can use to phase back into work.
10 months Mat leave = c 23 days leave

For example do 1 or 2 KIT days each week in January so your January salary includes payment plus tax rebate. Use the rest of the KIT days in Feb then return to work using annual leave e.g work 2 days and take 3 days leave for 4 weeks, then 4 weeks working 3 days and 2 days leave = 20 days and save the c3 days to take as you need it. This should give you 12 months before you are back full time.

I think you should stay home and do into your savings. Your his mother and it's your job to look after him, not pay someone else to while you go out and work, especially if that's not what you want to do. If your husband can't pay for build and mortgage on his own, then maybe you shouldn't be stretching yourself more by upsizing anyway. You being home with your baby will be better for him than a bigger house. Stand up for yourself, men don't understand these things especially modern men who think a woman's job is to go out and earn just as much money as them. It's not you job, your a mother.

If they'll let you extend it I would. Don't regret starting it early, you have to make what you think is the best decision at the time.

I would take the time off to give time to establish feeding because of the feeding complications which you couldn’t have anticipated and delay the move accordingly

You'll never feel ready. You have to frit your teeth and do it. This is no time to be making your finances worse.

Well.. I breastfed for a year so I had no choice but to take the time off

However if I hadn't been breastfeeding I'd have been ok to go back around 9 months

I'm a better mother when I'm not attached to my children 24/7

I EBF and went back when DD was 6 mths and DS was 9 mths. I trained babies to feed on the breast by night and with expressed milk by cup / bottle by day while working full time. It was hard but I needed to do it to keep us afloat at the time

Keeping reading in the hopes someone will explain what ‘KIT’ stands for…

How are you dealing with the aversion? Is it milk only? Have you read Rowena Bennett? We had this with my first with milk and then solids... I can fully empathise, it's hugely traumatic with long term impacts on the full family.

Mine started nursery at 5 (cmpa and aversion) and 7 months (bog standard happy hungry baby but ebf - still exclusive plus food at 18 months). Nursery saved my sanity with our oldest, though i hated him going so young (I was the higher earner by far, so no choice). The break was hugely beneficial in hindsight, despite the feeding worries. If yours is tube fed, can they not do that there? It's not super uncommon.

It is so hard when they're not healthy eating babies. Especially all the garbage advice about how they eat when they're hungry, or eat better for other people.

@purplehair1 Keep in touch

This absolutely.