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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won't get her a birthday card...

55 replies

RandomDadAndStepDad · 06/08/2023 22:52

Hi,
This is my first post so be gentle with me...
My Missus has 2 amazing kids but the eldest boy is often really selfish and unforgiving.
My missus often worries that may be due to the influences of her controlling and abusive ex who still plays an active father roll on alternate weekends.

We've always agreed that I'll stay out of the parenting aspect because my style is very different to hers but this particular issue today has really bothered me and im not sure how to address it.

I told the kids earlier that I'd take them out tomorrow to get their mums birthday cards and presents...
The boy replied "Nah... I don't do birthdays, I dont care" and went straight upstairs to his xbox. I was dumbfounded how blasé he was about showing no interest in his mums special day.

I left it a couple of hours and then approached it again, asking if I'd misunderstood cos it sounded like he said he didn't care about his mums birthday and this would be a chance for him to show her how much he appreciates her.

He said "how am i supposed to do that, i dont know what she wants and I'm not getting up for 10am, I cant be bothered!"

My missus does literally everything for him and in previous years, his grandparents have taken care of presents for Mum, but now I'm around its not fair for them to have to do it.
I did do it last year for the kids but we were texting ideas back and forth which i then bought on their behalf... This year we are all in the same house and asking him to go shopping for her is a first.

AIBU to expect him to want to show his mum some appreciation in that way?
Or am i overlooking that he's never learned how to do that from his dad and subsequent grandparents.

We generally have a good relationship except when i step away due to the parenting differences. But even then, he and i still get on.
He's 15 and i can only compare to my own 15yr old who i would expect to bend over backwards for his mum (despite what i might think of her 😏).

As I'm reading this back, I'm thinking that i might be overlooking his love language and ability to recognise what is important to his mum?

Basically... Im conflicted between calling him out (at 15yrs that doesnt seem unreasonable) or acknowledging that this is the way it is so i just get a gift on his behalf and attach his name so Mum is none the wiser?

Also... Do i bring this up with his mum or would that be earth shattering for her to hear?

Stepdad in need of help.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2023 22:56

Don't tell his mother and don't get a gift to be from him. He's made his decision and he can deal with the consequences.

NancyJoan · 06/08/2023 22:57

Don’t describe your GF as your missus, it’s awful!

Anyway, he sounds at best a grumpy teen, at worst a bit of a dick. I would buy a card and some flowers from the kids, and tell him to sign it. Definitely don’t tell his mum what he said!

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 06/08/2023 22:58

I think you should maybe just get her something and out his name on it. He will/should learn in time.

He may literally not have a clue what she likes, and I remember being 15.. 10am was like asking me to be up out by 4am now!

As long as he writes her a card himself. That shouldn't be too difficult.

I also volunteer this information to your partner either. If she asks, obviously tell the truth, she must know what he's like by now!

Thats just my view - as a step daughter, but older and wiser now!

Teens are just SO lazy.

ibtrue · 06/08/2023 22:59

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2023 22:56

Don't tell his mother and don't get a gift to be from him. He's made his decision and he can deal with the consequences.

Totally agree.

Daffodilwoman · 06/08/2023 22:59

He sounds like a selfish prick.
What I would say to him is, just to be clear as birthdays don’t mean anything to you, you won’t be expecting any presents for your birthday then. Let him hear the message clear.
Would I buy something and pretend it was from him? No. I would however make sure I spoilt my partner rotten. Buy them a great present, card and a birthday cake plus take them out for a meal, with pr without the dcs whichever your oh prefers.
Sounds like he has a terrible excuse for a father. At 15 he should know better.

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 06/08/2023 22:59

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 06/08/2023 22:58

I think you should maybe just get her something and out his name on it. He will/should learn in time.

He may literally not have a clue what she likes, and I remember being 15.. 10am was like asking me to be up out by 4am now!

As long as he writes her a card himself. That shouldn't be too difficult.

I also volunteer this information to your partner either. If she asks, obviously tell the truth, she must know what he's like by now!

Thats just my view - as a step daughter, but older and wiser now!

Teens are just SO lazy.

Wouldn't volunteer i meant

Testina · 06/08/2023 23:04

Missus 🤮 is not a good look on a predominantly female site where we have this funny little thing about treated like people not 60s caricatures.

He’s not your child and no, you don’t automatically take on, “gifts for mum” because you’ve moved in. Although it’s fine to do so and lovely to enable it if the kids want it.

He’s 15. Leave him to it. It’s her job as a parent to tell him she feels unappreciated if he doesn’t bother. Far better life lesson that a woman tells him he’s an ungrateful little sod, than a man let’s him off the hook by pretty much doing it for him.

He’s old enough to not need help anyway - and he might be resisting you deliberately and will do something.

Leave him to it, let it play out, and be honest with your girlfriend.

blackbeardsballsack · 06/08/2023 23:04

I bet he 'does' birthdays when it's his. I would be absolutely gutted if my DC ever behaved like that about acknowledging my birthday.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/08/2023 23:07

I think it's lovely that you are being so thoughtful about the situation.

I think I'd ask if he wants you to get something for her in his behalf, and do so if he does (could be something small - chocs, smellies etc). If he doesn't, I'd leave it.

Teenagers can be astonishingly selfish, their brains are just at a funny stage, and you are right that his previous bad experiences might also have an impact about how he shows love. I wouldn't call him out on it, I don't think that's going to make him see sense, he'll likely dog his feet in further.

thistimelastweek · 06/08/2023 23:08

Apart from the missus thing, you are one unbelievable stepdad.

Testina · 06/08/2023 23:14

thistimelastweek · 06/08/2023 23:08

Apart from the missus thing, you are one unbelievable stepdad.

Oh come on. I usually roll my eyes at “if you reversed the genders” comments on here, but I don’t think the same post by a stepmother would draw that response!

OP is making an effort and being thoughtful, which is great. But, he’s just being a normal level decent human being and we don’t have to fawn over him as being “one amazing stepdad” for hitting the basics.

thistimelastweek · 06/08/2023 23:24

Testina · 06/08/2023 23:14

Oh come on. I usually roll my eyes at “if you reversed the genders” comments on here, but I don’t think the same post by a stepmother would draw that response!

OP is making an effort and being thoughtful, which is great. But, he’s just being a normal level decent human being and we don’t have to fawn over him as being “one amazing stepdad” for hitting the basics.

Show quote history

I didn't say amazing.
I said unbelievable.

Original poster
RandomDadAndStepDad · 06/08/2023 23:38

That's a real mixed bag of replies but at least confirms I'm not on my own in seeing the situation as problematic.

Thanks for all the input. 👍

For ref, my Missus loves being called that due to our North/South divide in regional accents. It's her choice not mine but she thinks we're too old for the BF/GF label so whatever makes her happy. (i had a feeling it would raise a few eyebrows on here in 2023 though, lol).

Thanks again.

I'll likely report back tomorrow to let you know how its gone

@Testina

OP posts:
irrationalsense · 07/08/2023 00:10

Hi @RandomDadAndStepDad. First I want to say that this is so hard, kids are selfish. And its so healthy that you're bringing your frustration to a safe space to vent and you didn't just act on it in the heat of the moment.

I'm not an expert but I am a Co-founder of a blended family. 10 years ago I had a DD 2. My partner had DD 12, and DS 8. Over the past 10 years I can safely say all of them have shown themselves to be selfish and spiteful little shits, sometimes they took turns and sometimes they all jumped in the bandwagon.

I came into this though with the insight of being a child shared between one parent, and another parent with a new blended family. I remember my point of view and I can look back and see how it looked to others and both perspectives are vastly different.

No one can tell you the right way. It doesn't exist. But this is what feel I learned and stand by from my experience:

  1. You have to play the long game. The goal presumably is that you and your partner get to be together and can maintain good relationships with your kids on balance. You want to be adding up all the grief they bring and all the joy they bring and then years later when they are adults be able to still have that relationship and hopefully say it was at worst 60/40 bad to good. I'd say over the past 10 years for me if I would do that sum we had more good days than bad and most of the bad days were concentrated around whoever was teenager at the time! My step kids have been hellish, but I love my husband and it's worth it.
  1. Let them mess up and deal with the consequences. So if it was one of mine I'd say let the day be uncomfortable for them because in my experience then it's about them versus them. As soon as you come in with strong views as a parent and especially as the step parent it's you versus them and "you're not my mum/dad" will be thrown in your face and it can escalate in unpredictable ways. That way they also actually learn something. Hopefully. Also compensating for them is making a rod for your own back and you have this battle every special occasion. I did that. It was a lose lose. Everyone came out miz.
  1. Build the trust with your partner that you both have their kids best interests at heart. If you front load the trust you then get to sit together with your partner and moan about them together, laugh it off, strategise. If you argue over it because you have different opinions, the parent of the child that's theres gets defensive or stops being totally honest. Why am I going to come to my partner and moan about my own child if they upset me, if I know my partner will jump in with overly harsh or strong opinions. If I dont trust my partner loves them it's a crack in the relationship that the little shits can and will exploit. You guys need to be a solid United front even if you fake it to make it.
  1. You will fuck up and you will find out and that's ok. My husband and I have both made terrible mistakes where I'm not sure we came out well and definitely weren't leading by examples. They can break your spirit, ruin a special day, cause problems and conflict between parents that escalates. But that's their perogative. They are not fully formed people but chimpanzees. But as an adult I think it's ok to fuck up if you own your shit and when you calm down say something to the kids, if it's an apology, a soother, a little chat it depends. It's not about always getting it right, but finding an approach you can sustain and be consistent with over time.
  1. They are black holes. You will give and give and invest in them and they will act like it never even touches the sides. And then just when you feel like you can't go on and you wanna just avoid them, or head for the hills, they can surprise you. I'm not saying you tolerate bad behaviour. But you pick your battles.
They are in ungrateful but as adults they will look back and be shaped by the experience. And him being selfish isn't about him being selfish, he's trying to send a message and whatever he can fill his boots.

That's just my experience in my unique composition of complex ppl. I have low expectations and found my dance space and refined my approach and now I feel so proud because now the step kids are 17 and 21 they actually choose to sometimes talk to me, spent time with me, choose me for driving lessons/exposure, use me to talk to when they want that slightly more neutral person than the parent is.

My own daughter hates me now though. Happy days

irrationalsense · 07/08/2023 00:12

Soz it's 9 years not 10z been with their dad 10 yrs but didn't meet the kids for a year. I was bloody terrified and had enough on my plate

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2023 00:16

I'd make it as easy as possible for him to do the right thing. Shop at 4pm not 10am for example. And then if he doesn't he doesn't.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 07/08/2023 00:26

He doesn't do birthdays?
The same applies when his comes round then.
Selfish and spoilt brat.

dontgobreakingmy · 07/08/2023 05:46

If have said something along the following lines:

"Are you sure you don't want to get her anything? Birthdays are very important to her and she does a lot for you. She will be hurt if you don't get her something".

If he still refuses then you'll just have to tell her that you tried!

erikbloodaxe · 07/08/2023 07:30

You can call your partner/girlfriend/wife whatever you like! You don't need to explain your reasons.

The advice already given about not recognising his birthday is spot on.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/08/2023 07:36

It’s also possible that, especially if things are fraught or their father has told them not to engage with you, that it’s not that he doesn’t do birthdays, but that it’s your suggestion that you take him it shopping that’s the issue.

15 is a difficult age. Sometimes at that age if you say black they’ll insist white.

My stepson went through a brief phase of rebelling against anything I said to the point he got soaked in the rain one day because he didn’t want the jacket I’d said was hanging on the bannister (I only mentioned it because I’d moved it).

Its quite possible that the issue is you trying to take on a parental involvement in him over this particular thing that’s given his attitude.

BellaJuno · 07/08/2023 07:40

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/08/2023 07:36

It’s also possible that, especially if things are fraught or their father has told them not to engage with you, that it’s not that he doesn’t do birthdays, but that it’s your suggestion that you take him it shopping that’s the issue.

15 is a difficult age. Sometimes at that age if you say black they’ll insist white.

My stepson went through a brief phase of rebelling against anything I said to the point he got soaked in the rain one day because he didn’t want the jacket I’d said was hanging on the bannister (I only mentioned it because I’d moved it).

Its quite possible that the issue is you trying to take on a parental involvement in him over this particular thing that’s given his attitude.

Oh this is a good point!

I’d get a card for him, stick it in his room then leave it up to him to decide. That way you’ve done what you can and he can decide whether to use it.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 07/08/2023 07:42

Suggest he looks online for something

autienotnaughti · 07/08/2023 07:44

I would just get pressies and card and sign from everyone. It sounds like the kid has a lot to deal with /process . This isn't a hill to die on.

Fraaahnces · 07/08/2023 07:45

I think it’s time to stop buying him cards and gifts. He can feel what it’s like to be on the other end. Let his mum know what he said and how you think it needs to be approached so he doesn’t turn into his dad.

WeWereInParis · 07/08/2023 08:18

I wouldn't do anything. He's 15 - I assume he has some money and the ability to get himself to the shops? He's been reminded it's his mum's birthday. If he doesn't get anything, he doesn't get anything.
I'm not sure why any NT 15 year old would need help with this.