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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won't get her a birthday card...

55 replies

RandomDadAndStepDad · 06/08/2023 22:52

Hi,
This is my first post so be gentle with me...
My Missus has 2 amazing kids but the eldest boy is often really selfish and unforgiving.
My missus often worries that may be due to the influences of her controlling and abusive ex who still plays an active father roll on alternate weekends.

We've always agreed that I'll stay out of the parenting aspect because my style is very different to hers but this particular issue today has really bothered me and im not sure how to address it.

I told the kids earlier that I'd take them out tomorrow to get their mums birthday cards and presents...
The boy replied "Nah... I don't do birthdays, I dont care" and went straight upstairs to his xbox. I was dumbfounded how blasé he was about showing no interest in his mums special day.

I left it a couple of hours and then approached it again, asking if I'd misunderstood cos it sounded like he said he didn't care about his mums birthday and this would be a chance for him to show her how much he appreciates her.

He said "how am i supposed to do that, i dont know what she wants and I'm not getting up for 10am, I cant be bothered!"

My missus does literally everything for him and in previous years, his grandparents have taken care of presents for Mum, but now I'm around its not fair for them to have to do it.
I did do it last year for the kids but we were texting ideas back and forth which i then bought on their behalf... This year we are all in the same house and asking him to go shopping for her is a first.

AIBU to expect him to want to show his mum some appreciation in that way?
Or am i overlooking that he's never learned how to do that from his dad and subsequent grandparents.

We generally have a good relationship except when i step away due to the parenting differences. But even then, he and i still get on.
He's 15 and i can only compare to my own 15yr old who i would expect to bend over backwards for his mum (despite what i might think of her 😏).

As I'm reading this back, I'm thinking that i might be overlooking his love language and ability to recognise what is important to his mum?

Basically... Im conflicted between calling him out (at 15yrs that doesnt seem unreasonable) or acknowledging that this is the way it is so i just get a gift on his behalf and attach his name so Mum is none the wiser?

Also... Do i bring this up with his mum or would that be earth shattering for her to hear?

Stepdad in need of help.
Thanks.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2023 14:01

I would definitely have replied "oh so you won't be wanting anything for your birthday then since you don't do birthdays?".

Yes I thought the same. Definitely what I would do if it was my child, it's a shame OP wouldn't have the authority here though.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/08/2023 14:24

aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2023 13:42

Glad you got it sorted and he got something for his mum, though he only went for McDonald's and with saying "she better appreciate it", being honest, he sounds like a right twat. I feel sorry for anyone that has to deal with him as an adult.

He doesn’t sound like a twat to me.

He sounds like a kid who has got to be careful around his abusive dad that he doesn’t show any niceness to his mother and especially not to his step father. And is potentially also showing displeasure that the Op moving in means he now shares his room with the OP’s son.

This way he can defend himself that he showed no enthusiasm, he only went because of the food etc etc

If he really was a twat he wouldn’t have got her anything, and if he was really really a twat he’d have gone for the McDonalds and then refused.

Original poster
RandomDadAndStepDad · 07/08/2023 15:14

And thats genuinely one of my biggest concerns for the next few years.
His current expectation for everything to be done for him, and the entitlement that comes with it, supported by his mum saying "its fine, thats just what he is like" is so remeniscent of her ex and her ex in laws.
Her ex's overbearing and controlling entitlement was brushed under the table by his parents and there's a real threat of that pattern repeating itself.

I'm hopeful we can change that pattern if we conyinue communicating about it (which we generally do very well, but this topic included her birthday so i couldn't really discuss it with her... In that respect, this forum has been a real blessing for the last 24hrs.)

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 07/08/2023 15:20

aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2023 13:48

@Stompythedinosaur 🤷‍♀️ Each to their own, I can see I'm not the only one thinking it. I rarely would but this one sounds particularly unpleasant. And he's 15, not 8. He'll be 18 in 3 years and soon after, he'll be one of the awful boyfriends people complain about on here.

His brain hasn't finished growing yet, so it's premature to write this lad off.

I think he's more likely to grown into a responsible, kind and thoughtful man when he has this modelled to him by his stepdad.

aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2023 15:39

RandomDadAndStepDad · 07/08/2023 15:14

And thats genuinely one of my biggest concerns for the next few years.
His current expectation for everything to be done for him, and the entitlement that comes with it, supported by his mum saying "its fine, thats just what he is like" is so remeniscent of her ex and her ex in laws.
Her ex's overbearing and controlling entitlement was brushed under the table by his parents and there's a real threat of that pattern repeating itself.

I'm hopeful we can change that pattern if we conyinue communicating about it (which we generally do very well, but this topic included her birthday so i couldn't really discuss it with her... In that respect, this forum has been a real blessing for the last 24hrs.)

He sounds lucky to have you in his life. There may be reasons he is the way he is but they are reasons, not excuses. Left unchecked he will grow into a man who still behaves that way. It is good that he has you!

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