Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won't get her a birthday card...

55 replies

RandomDadAndStepDad · 06/08/2023 22:52

Hi,
This is my first post so be gentle with me...
My Missus has 2 amazing kids but the eldest boy is often really selfish and unforgiving.
My missus often worries that may be due to the influences of her controlling and abusive ex who still plays an active father roll on alternate weekends.

We've always agreed that I'll stay out of the parenting aspect because my style is very different to hers but this particular issue today has really bothered me and im not sure how to address it.

I told the kids earlier that I'd take them out tomorrow to get their mums birthday cards and presents...
The boy replied "Nah... I don't do birthdays, I dont care" and went straight upstairs to his xbox. I was dumbfounded how blasé he was about showing no interest in his mums special day.

I left it a couple of hours and then approached it again, asking if I'd misunderstood cos it sounded like he said he didn't care about his mums birthday and this would be a chance for him to show her how much he appreciates her.

He said "how am i supposed to do that, i dont know what she wants and I'm not getting up for 10am, I cant be bothered!"

My missus does literally everything for him and in previous years, his grandparents have taken care of presents for Mum, but now I'm around its not fair for them to have to do it.
I did do it last year for the kids but we were texting ideas back and forth which i then bought on their behalf... This year we are all in the same house and asking him to go shopping for her is a first.

AIBU to expect him to want to show his mum some appreciation in that way?
Or am i overlooking that he's never learned how to do that from his dad and subsequent grandparents.

We generally have a good relationship except when i step away due to the parenting differences. But even then, he and i still get on.
He's 15 and i can only compare to my own 15yr old who i would expect to bend over backwards for his mum (despite what i might think of her 😏).

As I'm reading this back, I'm thinking that i might be overlooking his love language and ability to recognise what is important to his mum?

Basically... Im conflicted between calling him out (at 15yrs that doesnt seem unreasonable) or acknowledging that this is the way it is so i just get a gift on his behalf and attach his name so Mum is none the wiser?

Also... Do i bring this up with his mum or would that be earth shattering for her to hear?

Stepdad in need of help.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 07/08/2023 08:28

I'm guessing his mum knows his attitude so don't think she would be shocked.

It's like he's playing Andrew Tate and thinking he's going to be alpha male and you will probably pick up something for him... I wouldn't.

Go with the one who wants to go and its not like she won't be spoilt on her day, I would leave her to handle her son and his attitude.

UnfunnyJester · 07/08/2023 08:30

I'd ask him how he'd feel if no one got him anything for his birthday. Tell him, that it would mean a lot to his mum and offer to take him at a different time or buy something on his behalf this time.
Make it easy for him and hopefully, next year it will be different.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/08/2023 08:32

Daisybuttercup12345 · 07/08/2023 00:26

He doesn't do birthdays?
The same applies when his comes round then.
Selfish and spoilt brat.

This.

Unbelievably selfish.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/08/2023 11:59

UnfunnyJester · 07/08/2023 08:30

I'd ask him how he'd feel if no one got him anything for his birthday. Tell him, that it would mean a lot to his mum and offer to take him at a different time or buy something on his behalf this time.
Make it easy for him and hopefully, next year it will be different.

That’s not the OP’s job.

@RandomDadAndStepDad who sorted the kids getting their mother’s presents before you moved in?

UnfunnyJester · 07/08/2023 12:09

"That’s not the OP’s job."

Well no, it's not but he's the boys stepdad. The boy seems to have an abusive father so having a decent stepfather can really help the boy to at least learn some decent values.
Kids model behaviour they see.
Model kindness and decency, rather than bitterness and hopefully that's what they learn.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/08/2023 12:10

Do you live in walking or biking distance of any shops ? If he's too lazy to get up then he can go out later to buy a card and gift.

I recognise the teen cba attitude about going out but not the birthdays aren't special attitude. My kids are in the routine of birthdays = card/gift because or school parties at primary. They would be extremely embarrassed to have nothing for Mother's Day or my birthday. I am a single parent and my kids buy me a card/gift unprompted and it's greatly appreciated. How would he feel if his mum didn't do birthdays ?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/08/2023 12:13

UnfunnyJester · 07/08/2023 12:09

"That’s not the OP’s job."

Well no, it's not but he's the boys stepdad. The boy seems to have an abusive father so having a decent stepfather can really help the boy to at least learn some decent values.
Kids model behaviour they see.
Model kindness and decency, rather than bitterness and hopefully that's what they learn.

The kid has made clear he doesn’t want the Op involved in it.

That they have an abusive father is exactly the reason the Op should be treading carefully.

Modelling involves the OP treating his partner well and tbt children seeing that. Pushing or coercing the lad into doing something he’s said he has no interest in isn’t modelling - that’s just going to push a bigger wedge in it.

He’ll see the outcome of the Op’s behaviour, and his siblings choice, in his mothers reactions.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/08/2023 12:14

Has he ever had a girlfriend (or boyfriend)? Mine is a similar age and has asked me for advice on gifts and I always say chocolate. He's not dated anyone long enough for jewellery or something more expensive as a gift. Buying gifts is hard but he must have heard that chocolate, candle or flowers might be a "safe" gift and if he really thinks he should know what kind of chocolate his mum enjoys.

Twoleftlegs · 07/08/2023 12:17

He doesn’t do birthdays?

what a fucking brat. I’m aghast people are defending this as typical teen behaviour.

i would be telling him that unless he wants the family to ‘not do birthdays’ on HIS birthday, he needs to be down and ready sharpish to go to the shops at x time. His mum does a lot for him and deserves some
effort shown.

UnfunnyJester · 07/08/2023 12:17

@YetMoreNewBeginnings of course there should be no coercion but sometimes kids need to see a different point of view to develop some empathy.
My suggestion was an offer to make it easy for a lazy unempathetic teen but if he's still 'nah, not going to do it' then that's that.
Teen definitely should be able to make his own decisions.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/08/2023 12:19

what a fucking brat. I’m aghast people are defending this as typical teen behaviour.

It’s not typical teen behaviour. But most teens haven’t been dealing with an abusive father and his dislike of a step father.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/08/2023 12:20

UnfunnyJester · 07/08/2023 12:17

@YetMoreNewBeginnings of course there should be no coercion but sometimes kids need to see a different point of view to develop some empathy.
My suggestion was an offer to make it easy for a lazy unempathetic teen but if he's still 'nah, not going to do it' then that's that.
Teen definitely should be able to make his own decisions.

And my suggestion is that the OP is likely part of the problem given the lad has an abusive father and the best thing for the lad is the Op to back off a bit and model rather than push his involvement

Monster80 · 07/08/2023 12:33

I’d probably get a gift & card, pp it from him. Wouldn’t say anything to mum, but would give the selfish teenager a hard Paddington bear stare when the gift was handed over (and he was inevitably/embarrassingly thanked for it).

honeylulu · 07/08/2023 12:48

You did a nice thing by offering to make it easy for him but unfortunately you can lead a horse to water ...

You don't need to do anything else or say anything else. It's a shame but it is what it is.

June628 · 07/08/2023 12:59

Stop reading after “missus”

holabiatches · 07/08/2023 13:10

I’d buy a small present and card to stash away…that way if he panics on birthday mornings then you have something for him to give her but remind him he needs to go with you in future and tell him he needs to remember how he felt not having anything for her.

If he doesn’t panic then I’d let him give her nothing…maybe have a generic bunch of birthday flowers from all the family to help mum’s feelings be less hurt.

Original poster
RandomDadAndStepDad · 07/08/2023 13:18

Ok... Update.
When i knocked on the boys this morning (mine and hers share a bedroom), i stuck my head in to see if mine was getting up and ready.
Her boy mumbled that he was getting up too.
I asked if he wanted to come and he said yes cos he didn't have a choice.

I promised he had a choice and when his little sister came in I asked both if they wanted to call at McDonalds on the way.
The boy jumped out of bed and joined in the morning.

All 3 kids enjoyed mooching around Costco. They chose some great gifts, a cake and shared in plenty laughs.

He finished the morning with a grumpy "she better appreciate it" but thats just him adding a little defiance for his own benefit.
I'll take that as a decent result for all concerned.

Thanks again for so many varied opinions. They all helped in a way.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 07/08/2023 13:20

Brilliant update, it seems like you handled things beautifully!

UnfunnyJester · 07/08/2023 13:31

Fab update. Food is always a good bribe Wink

aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2023 13:42

Glad you got it sorted and he got something for his mum, though he only went for McDonald's and with saying "she better appreciate it", being honest, he sounds like a right twat. I feel sorry for anyone that has to deal with him as an adult.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/08/2023 13:45

aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2023 13:42

Glad you got it sorted and he got something for his mum, though he only went for McDonald's and with saying "she better appreciate it", being honest, he sounds like a right twat. I feel sorry for anyone that has to deal with him as an adult.

He's a child who's had bad experiences in the past.

I think an adult that calls a kid names sounds like a bit of a twat, personally.

aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2023 13:48

@Stompythedinosaur 🤷‍♀️ Each to their own, I can see I'm not the only one thinking it. I rarely would but this one sounds particularly unpleasant. And he's 15, not 8. He'll be 18 in 3 years and soon after, he'll be one of the awful boyfriends people complain about on here.

Laurdo · 07/08/2023 13:51

My DSSs are 15 and 16. I've never bought a birthday gift or card for them on behalf of my DH. I used to save up my pocket money and get gifts or make a card for my parents from the age of about 10 so I know my DSSs are more than capable. If they choose not to, that's on them.

I do take my DSD who's 5 out to pick a gift for her dad. But teenagers, na.

I would definitely have replied "oh so you won't be wanting anything for your birthday then since you don't do birthdays?".

UnfunnyJester · 07/08/2023 13:52

@aSofaNearYou There's always the hope he won't. He's 15 and still learning. Probably going against things he's learned from his dad.
He'll see his mum's joy on her birthday and feel good about what he's done. This might help him to grow and change.

aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2023 13:58

UnfunnyJester · 07/08/2023 13:52

@aSofaNearYou There's always the hope he won't. He's 15 and still learning. Probably going against things he's learned from his dad.
He'll see his mum's joy on her birthday and feel good about what he's done. This might help him to grow and change.

I do hope so!

Swipe left for the next trending thread