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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find comments on my weight hurtful or am I too sensitive?

72 replies

AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 07:31

Staying with in laws currently. I'm 6 months pregnant and have ballooned already.

It wasn't a planned pregnancy and I was already overweight going into it. Size 16-18 and about 13 stone. I felt bad about myself then and was trying to change my lifestyle but found out I was pregnant.

So far I've had a horrible pregnancy, suffered horribly with dry hyperemesis up until 20 weeks. This made me really struggle to function normally and spend most of the days in bed or around the house and I found eating carbs were the only thing that didn't make the nausea worse so the combination of not a lot of exercise and a lot of carbs made me put on even more weight. I'm painfully aware of this.

Now at 24 weeks pregnant the horrible nausea is easing off but instead I've got ligament pain in my belly and really swollen and painful feet, both of which stop me from walking for too long so again, can't function like I used to and get good exercise in.

I don't even want to weigh myself but I'd guess around 15 stone now and size 18-20. I feel very ashamed and uncomfortable and self conscious and am quite a sensitive person anyway so may be overreacting to these comments but in laws have commented on my weight so many times this visit.

Saying things like "I would offer insert food to eat but from the looks of it you're big enough!" or "you're hurting so much from all that weight you're carrying, go on a diet".

I know these things. I'm very aware of my weight and I wish I could change it but I can't exactly go on a restrictive diet while pregnant and I'm trying to walk as much as I can now that I don't feel so sick but then I end up in a lot of pain from the walking or standing so I can't do much of it.

AIBU to think it's just insensitive and rude to make comments like this? Or should I just let it go over my head and not be so sensitive about it?

DP says I am too sensitive and need to get over it which may be true but it's such a sore point for me that I just feel awfully self conscious and upset about it all now.

OP posts:
MaryJanesonabreak · 06/08/2023 07:36

You are not being over sensitive, they are being rude and horrible. Tell your husband that he should be supporting you and not parroting his disgusting parents.
Hope you feel better soon 💐

I am also going to visit family in six days time and will have to endure endless comments of what a shame it is that I’m heavier now than I was twenty years ago .

KvotheTheBloodless · 06/08/2023 07:40

Wow, your DP needs to wise up and have your back - how can he stand having things like that said to his partner, whom he apparently loves, whilst she's carrying his bloody child?!

Your MIL can get in the sea - unless she's from a culture where discussing weight isn't rude (Thai/Filipino) she knows full well it's rude and hurtful to say those things to you. There is no way in hell it's innocent.

Nightmanagerfan · 06/08/2023 07:43

Honestly I think they are being awful and so mean. Can you go home and tell them why? The judgment of the female body ramps up during pregnancy, do they know how sick you've been?

ScarlettSunset · 06/08/2023 07:43

You're not being overly sensitive, you just have really rude in laws. I had some like that too, and it didn't take long before I just started to distance myself from them which definitely helped me.
If your in law's want a relationship with you and the child, they need to start being nicer people. And your husband needs to be more supportive of you.

RiverWye · 06/08/2023 07:45

They've got no right to comment on your weight and judge you.

It doesn't sound like it's even coming from a kind place, they're just mean!

Butchyrestingface · 06/08/2023 07:45

Saying things like "I would offer insert food to eat but from the looks of it you're big enough!" or "you're hurting so much from all that weight you're carrying, go on a diet".

Unspeakably rude.

Are you living with in-laws currently or merely on holiday? If the latter, I'd go home. If the former, your partner needs to have a serious word with them and it's troubling that he's so quick to brush off your feelings.

Adelstrop · 06/08/2023 07:47

They are very rude. You could always point out to them that you could lose weight when and if you want to, but there probably isn’t much they can do about being stupid and insensitive. Probably wouldn’t make for greater harmony though.

Original poster
AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 07:49

Nightmanagerfan · 06/08/2023 07:43

Honestly I think they are being awful and so mean. Can you go home and tell them why? The judgment of the female body ramps up during pregnancy, do they know how sick you've been?

I wish that I could go home but we are the other end of the country and DP refuses to leave early because he's saying I'm making a big deal out of nothing and need to let it go.

I don't fit in very well with his side of the family. I'm very introverted and shy whereas they are extroverted so whenever something like this happens DP always sides with them and says its me being oversensitive because I just don't understand their lifestyle or personalities.

Personally I just think it's rude, whether intentional or not it's rude and bad manners to comment on someone's appearance/weight like that but this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of ignorant and inappropriate comments they make.

I tend to doubt myself a lot though due to always being told I'm too shy and polite and nice to everyone.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 06/08/2023 07:52

They sound horrible.
As an aside, have you spoken to your midwife about your swollen feet? It could be a sign of something else going on.

RampantIvy · 06/08/2023 07:53

And your partner needs to have your back.

Debopo · 06/08/2023 07:54

Do NOT go on any sort of weight loss diet while pregnant!! This is so bad for your developing child. Do eat as healthily as you can. Include fresh colourful fruit and veg whenever you can (if you can!), also fresh fish is good. But honestly, your body is doing the most work it ever has, so you just need to look after yourself. They are horrible.

abyssofwoah · 06/08/2023 07:54

They are being awful. Your DH needs to have a word or you just refuse to go next time. You are SUPPOSED to put on weight in pregnancy.

Original poster
AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 07:56

RampantIvy · 06/08/2023 07:52

They sound horrible.
As an aside, have you spoken to your midwife about your swollen feet? It could be a sign of something else going on.

I have an appointment in one week so plan to mention all my aches and pains then to see it there is anything I can do to help matters.

If I can safely lose weight during the pregnancy I will happily do this as I don't want to feel unhealthy or bad about myself either but I don't want to do anything that would hurt the baby so need advice first really.

OP posts:
Bonbontutu · 06/08/2023 07:57

Urgh I feel you're pain. Nobody has been as rude about it, but I've had similar comments from family. I'm approaching 3rd trimester and I've put on over 3 stone. I put on over 4 with my first child. However I'm now at the weight I was with my first at 40 weeks because I started this pregnancy overweight.

Like you, I get constant nausea in early pregnancy which was only alleviated by eating beige. I also get a lot of swelling in pregnancy. I am also now physically struggling with carrying the weight. Struggling to get up from the floor, struggling to bend. Walk. Etc. Some bodies gain a lot during pregnancy. The internet will have you feeling bad about yourself. But it's unreasonable to think that a pregnant person should be dieting in order to only gain the recommended weight. Pregnancy is miserable enough without that on top of it.

So ignore your family. And eye roll hard the Mumsnet pregnancy posts on 'have I gained too much weight?..' from people who are gaining the recommended amount. You will lose it once baby is here.

Original poster
AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 08:01

Bonbontutu · 06/08/2023 07:57

Urgh I feel you're pain. Nobody has been as rude about it, but I've had similar comments from family. I'm approaching 3rd trimester and I've put on over 3 stone. I put on over 4 with my first child. However I'm now at the weight I was with my first at 40 weeks because I started this pregnancy overweight.

Like you, I get constant nausea in early pregnancy which was only alleviated by eating beige. I also get a lot of swelling in pregnancy. I am also now physically struggling with carrying the weight. Struggling to get up from the floor, struggling to bend. Walk. Etc. Some bodies gain a lot during pregnancy. The internet will have you feeling bad about yourself. But it's unreasonable to think that a pregnant person should be dieting in order to only gain the recommended weight. Pregnancy is miserable enough without that on top of it.

So ignore your family. And eye roll hard the Mumsnet pregnancy posts on 'have I gained too much weight?..' from people who are gaining the recommended amount. You will lose it once baby is here.

Thank you for this. It's nice to hear I'm not alone in my situation. I think part of the issue is that in my first pregnancy 7 years ago I was very small starting out and didn't gain much weight at all as I had a tiny baby. I was about a size 8 at the start and finished at a size 10.

So I understand that to see me now I look very different but I've had a hard time so far during this pregnancy, am older and have also had a very difficult time the past 6 years with my first child so have ended up gaining a lot of weight over the years.

Once the baby is here I plan to try to steadily lose weight and eventually get back to a weight where I am more comfortable but it's just upsetting for me now as I can't really do anything about it but am being made to feel really awful about myself.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 06/08/2023 08:06

Call them out on it. Next comment you get, actually say “gosh - that’s rude” or “that’s unkind if you”. Calmly and factually. And if they bluster it off with claims that you’re “over sensitive”, say “I think anyone would be upset to have their appearance criticised, let alone when they’re pregnant and not in much of a position to do anything about it.”

EhrlicheFrau · 06/08/2023 08:11

They are being horrible OP, there is no question about that.
Regarding exercise, have you thought about going for a gentle swim, walking in water or even finding out if there is a local water based ante-natal class? Water exercise is so good for pain because it's weight bearing once you are in there and if you go when there are other pregnant ladies then you definitely won't be the only one who is slightly aware of their size (in fact all shapes and sizes and abilities go to my pool all the time anyway). Getting changed before and after might still be uncomfortable pain wise, but swimming/water can be so good for the mind and body. Good luck with it all, and I will reiterate, they are being unkind for no good reason. Pregnancy can be hard, and isn't the same for everyone, so we should support each other as much as we can!

Tinkerbyebye · 06/08/2023 08:16

So if your dh is not going to say anything you must

did you mean to be so rude? Why do you feel the need to be so rude?

have a blazing row with your husband if necessary so they can hear, it’s not you being insensitive , it’s them being rude

can you get the train home on your own and dh stay with your older child?

moving forward I would not be visiting again dh can go with the kids on his own

Squeaky2023 · 06/08/2023 08:21

I'd be telling them all to fuck off. Or offering and insult back; FIL's halitosis? MIL's chin hairs?
Your partner sounds like a dick. You'd be a lot happier without him.

TashieWoo · 06/08/2023 08:22

@AlienInAMeatSuit I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, I hope you can go home soon?

They are awful and I’ve experienced similar from my in laws, not about my weight but about my skin which is prone to breakouts, especially when I’m run down. To cut a long story short my MIL commented on it a couple of months ago, I retaliated for the first time, she didn’t apologise and was even ruder so I went nuclear and haven’t seen them since. And I feel so much better for it.

My partner doesn’t support me much either and it’s a real issue in our relationship, especially with 1yo DD. I would hate for MIL to make similar comments to her in the future and I’ve told them that if she does she won’t see her again.

You won’t change them, or your husband’s relationship with them, but you can distance yourself, pretend they don’t exist and advocate for your child.

Good luck xx

Whattodo112222 · 06/08/2023 08:25

They are bloody rude. Your DH needs to have your back. He sounds like a limp lettuce.

As an aside though, are you eating a bit better now you're past the nausea?

There's so much judgement anyway when you're overweight but when you're pregnant to boot, there's no chance.

If your DH isn't going to stand up for you. You need to stand up for yourself.

shadesofwinter · 06/08/2023 08:27

Unbelievably rude. And your DP is being an utter arsehole. It's not 'oversensitive' to be hurt by cruel comments.

Original poster
AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 08:34

Whattodo112222 · 06/08/2023 08:25

They are bloody rude. Your DH needs to have your back. He sounds like a limp lettuce.

As an aside though, are you eating a bit better now you're past the nausea?

There's so much judgement anyway when you're overweight but when you're pregnant to boot, there's no chance.

If your DH isn't going to stand up for you. You need to stand up for yourself.

Yes I feel like I'm eating much better now. Balanced meals with vegetables and protein and not huge portions either as I can't due to the awful heartburn I would get if I did!
But the lack of exercise is what's making the weight pile on but my life for the last 3 or so years hasn't allowed for a very active lifestyle as I am a carer for my older child who has a disability that has isolated us to the house quite a lot.

OP posts:
TheGoodBanana · 06/08/2023 08:45

Sounds like you are having a really tough time OP. Would swimming be a more suitable exercise given the water supports you? It is safe to diet a little during pregnancy and losing some excess weight may help your ligaments but get some advice from your midwife. This advice only stands if you WANT to lose some weight for the possible benefits to your quality of life. I absolutely don't think people should be worrying about how they look or trying to maintain a beauty standard especially during pregnancy.

Pregnancy is a horrible time for many women and you do what you can to get through it, your husband should be supporting you and tell his parents to stop being so horrible.

Original poster
AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 08:49

I'm also really hurt by my DP not supporting me in this and telling them to stop their rude comments.

To be honest I shouldn't expect anything else as looking back he has always justified his parents rude behaviour and blamed me for being 'too quiet' or 'too sensitive'. It's taken me until now to finally open my eyes and see that it's not me in the wrong but him.

No point in bringing it up now as he will just dismiss what I'm saying and shut me down completely. He's already said last night that he won't visit with me again as I just can't accept the way his parents are and am looking for things to pick on apparently.

Fine by me. I have no desire to come again. Tried enough times now for the sake of DS but I think enough is enough now.

OP posts: