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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find comments on my weight hurtful or am I too sensitive?

72 replies

AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 07:31

Staying with in laws currently. I'm 6 months pregnant and have ballooned already.

It wasn't a planned pregnancy and I was already overweight going into it. Size 16-18 and about 13 stone. I felt bad about myself then and was trying to change my lifestyle but found out I was pregnant.

So far I've had a horrible pregnancy, suffered horribly with dry hyperemesis up until 20 weeks. This made me really struggle to function normally and spend most of the days in bed or around the house and I found eating carbs were the only thing that didn't make the nausea worse so the combination of not a lot of exercise and a lot of carbs made me put on even more weight. I'm painfully aware of this.

Now at 24 weeks pregnant the horrible nausea is easing off but instead I've got ligament pain in my belly and really swollen and painful feet, both of which stop me from walking for too long so again, can't function like I used to and get good exercise in.

I don't even want to weigh myself but I'd guess around 15 stone now and size 18-20. I feel very ashamed and uncomfortable and self conscious and am quite a sensitive person anyway so may be overreacting to these comments but in laws have commented on my weight so many times this visit.

Saying things like "I would offer insert food to eat but from the looks of it you're big enough!" or "you're hurting so much from all that weight you're carrying, go on a diet".

I know these things. I'm very aware of my weight and I wish I could change it but I can't exactly go on a restrictive diet while pregnant and I'm trying to walk as much as I can now that I don't feel so sick but then I end up in a lot of pain from the walking or standing so I can't do much of it.

AIBU to think it's just insensitive and rude to make comments like this? Or should I just let it go over my head and not be so sensitive about it?

DP says I am too sensitive and need to get over it which may be true but it's such a sore point for me that I just feel awfully self conscious and upset about it all now.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 06/08/2023 08:56

To be honest I shouldn't expect anything else as looking back he has always justified his parents rude behaviour and blamed me for being 'too quiet' or 'too sensitive'. It's taken me until now to finally open my eyes and see that it's not me in the wrong but him.

Hmm. That is raising a red flag for me. I am not an introvert, but I'm married to one, and I know that socialising is difficult for him. He often slopes off to his office just to play spider solitaire when he has had enough of being with people, and my family are socially aware enough to understand this.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 06/08/2023 09:01

I get that you're on the other side of the country and yourDH doesn't want to leave, but you should. So can you take the car and he can find his own way home or is there a train route you can take?

I really think you need to explicitly say to your in laws 'you have been rude, hurtful and insulting about my weight recently and I no longer want to be in your presence so I'm leaving. If you want to mend the relationship before this baby is born then I'll need a proper apology once you've thought about your actions, and for this to never happen again.'

Whataretheodds · 06/08/2023 09:11

How did you get there? Just get on a plane/train or take the car back home and he can make his own way back with your son.

Don't stay to have them making unnecessarily cruel comments.

Noone ever got fitter because someone else made them hate themselves a bit more.

Original poster
AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 09:30

Whataretheodds · 06/08/2023 09:11

How did you get there? Just get on a plane/train or take the car back home and he can make his own way back with your son.

Don't stay to have them making unnecessarily cruel comments.

Noone ever got fitter because someone else made them hate themselves a bit more.

We travelled by DP's van but I'm not insured to drive it. Train tickets are extortionate and also due to DS's disability I wouldn't want to leave him here anyway.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 06/08/2023 09:32

Is his father not capable of looking after his own son?

Marblessolveeverything · 06/08/2023 09:37

In laws are way out of order.

But just to say I found some physio in a pool amazing for my joints an aches. Have a chat with your care team.

I had a spine issue before I got pregnant and had to keep certain exercises going to stay comfortable. When it got too uncomfortable they came up with a program in water- game changer.

CecilyP · 06/08/2023 09:43

AIBU to think it's just insensitive and rude to make comments like this? Or should I just let it go over my head and not be so sensitive about it?

Yes they are! Extremely rude. You are supposed to be their guest.

I don't fit in very well with his side of the family. I'm very introverted and shy whereas they are extroverted so whenever something like this happens DP always sides with them and says it’s me being oversensitive because I just don't understand their lifestyle or personalities.

What’s the point of being extrovert when what you come out with is rudeness. Their personalities are obviously saying what they want when they want with little thought for others feelings. It may be as they’ve got older, they’ve got less of a filter, or maybe they were always like that.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/08/2023 09:46

Do make sure you see your midwife and make a point of telling her about your swollen feet - pre eclampsia is a worry.

Assuming that all is well after that, I second the idea of swimming, purely because it feels good in a way that walking just doesn't.

Original poster
AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 09:49

Marblessolveeverything · 06/08/2023 09:37

In laws are way out of order.

But just to say I found some physio in a pool amazing for my joints an aches. Have a chat with your care team.

I had a spine issue before I got pregnant and had to keep certain exercises going to stay comfortable. When it got too uncomfortable they came up with a program in water- game changer.

I'll definitely be mentioning my struggles to the midwife when I see her as I have arthritis in my lower back which is obviously getting worse with the weight gain so any advice on how to safely exercise or lose some weight will be really appreciated. I just need to be able to survive to the end of the pregnancy and then I can crack on with trying to lose the weight and improving fitness.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 09:51

Whataretheodds · 06/08/2023 09:32

Is his father not capable of looking after his own son?

Not when he is incapable of standing up to his parents when they refuse to accept DS's disability and the requirements that come with it. If I left DS he would be at the mercy of people who think they know better when they don't and would cause unnecessary distress for him.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 06/08/2023 09:51

In-laws are incredibly rude. None of my in-laws have ever struggled with their weight, and are prone to horrific remarks about other people that really annoy me. I'm overweight and I know that they must think of that, but they've never said a word - and why would they, that's just one small aspect of me and they love me and I love them.

If they did say anything anywhere near as rude as yours, my DH would leave them in no doubt as to his feelings.

I'm sorry OP, the whole thing sounds awful. Your DH needs to cop the fuck on though.

JenniferBarkley · 06/08/2023 09:53

AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 09:51

Not when he is incapable of standing up to his parents when they refuse to accept DS's disability and the requirements that come with it. If I left DS he would be at the mercy of people who think they know better when they don't and would cause unnecessary distress for him.

Show quote history

Ok the whole family is sounding more and more delightful by the minute. This sounds worse than their comments to you which were pretty horrific.

CecilyP · 06/08/2023 09:55

AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 09:51

Not when he is incapable of standing up to his parents when they refuse to accept DS's disability and the requirements that come with it. If I left DS he would be at the mercy of people who think they know better when they don't and would cause unnecessary distress for him.

Show quote history

If you stop expecting anything better of them, detach, and just think accept you are staying with these awful people for the sake of your child, it might make it a bit easier to bear.

MerryMarigold · 06/08/2023 09:56

Saying things like "I would offer insert food to eat but from the looks of it you're big enough!" or "you're hurting so much from all that weight you're carrying, go on a diet"*

I can't believe you need to ask if these are rude! You are not being sensitive. If anyone said that to me, I'd be fuming, hurt, anxious.

I thought you meant something really subtle like maybe offering you a larger chair and perhaps you were being over sensitive. This is downright rude, judgemental and unkind - to the mother of their grandchild! Your partner is absolutely useless if he thinks this is an ok way to treat you. And the comments won't stop here, if they feel able to comment on weight, who knows how they are going to comment on your parenting/ breastfeeding (or not)/ anything at all.

CecilyP · 06/08/2023 09:58

The small mercy is being at the other side of the country, you won’t have to see them too often.

Marblessolveeverything · 06/08/2023 10:06

I have the same and scoliosis. I found pregnancy yoga and hydro physio sessions, I accessed these through the maternity hospital. I hope you can access them,.

Original poster
AlienInAMeatSuit · 06/08/2023 10:07

I can't believe you need to ask if these are rude! You are not being sensitive. If anyone said that to me, I'd be fuming, hurt, anxious.

I was doubting myself as DP is insisting they didn't mean it badly and that the comment about carrying weight was probably just meaning extra baby weight and worded clumsily and the comments about not offering some food was just a joke that fell flat.

But in my mind these are comments I would be very careful making and would word very carefully if I said them at all, as I would be conscious of it being a sensitive topic for a lot of women.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 06/08/2023 10:32

Would it cost less to insure you on the van than to buy the train tickets?
What price for your sanity?

Maray1967 · 06/08/2023 10:35

Your in laws are very rude and your H is out of order.
I’d be mentioning it to your midwife in his hearing if he comes to the appointment- eg ‘My in-laws have repeatedly told me I’m overweight and I’m trying to lose it.’ If I was your midwife I’d say ‘I beg your pardon? What have they said? ‘ He needs to hear someone’s opinion.

Try to assert yourself regarding their access to your DC. I wouldn’t have mine near anyone like this.

Luxell934 · 06/08/2023 10:42

"I would offer insert food to eat but from the looks of it you're big enough!"

Okay first comment could have just been a joke to any pregnant woman regardless of if they were overweight to start with.

or "you're hurting so much from all that weight you're carrying, go on a diet".

Second comment has nothing to do with pregnancy and is just downright rude.

You should think of a good come back next time for your in laws, as an innocent joke, just like they doing to you!

Winter2020 · 06/08/2023 10:44

They sound awful. Their comments, especially when you are pregnant, are terrible. You deserve to be treated with the respect and love of someone raising one of their grandchildren and carrying another. Get through this "holiday" and then don't go back again.

You are a little heavier than you would like having had a tough time in life and with your health - you deserve nothing but kindness and consideration. Please don't try to diet while you are pregnant. Try to offer your developing baby the balance it needs. If you feel lost ask your midwife for advice or look up NHS approved nutritional advice for pregnant women.

Take care of yourself. You need to put your needs first right now - especially if your partner isn't.

Mummy08m · 06/08/2023 10:49

I'm so angry on your behalf op. Your dh and in laws sound like total trash, sorry.

Fwiw I also put on much more than the recommended weight in my last pregnancy and I'm on course to do so in this one - I also got very swollen legs and feet in my third trimester, and had terrible pelvic pain - it was all water weight and I lost most of it practically immediately (I mean within weeks rather than months) after the birth. Omg the night sweats, you could have wrung the liquid out of my bedsheets.

I'm not a midwife obviously but it sounds like you have water retention too. In which case you'll see, you'll lose it quicker than if it was "real" weight gain.

You sound like a really caring mum who is putting her baby and older child first, and your dh is bloody lucky to have you. I'm so angry on your behalf

Jasperdale · 06/08/2023 10:58

Omg you poor thing They are being absolute arseholes to you. I can totally relate to the dry hypermesis, constant nausea and retching and I would also lie about loads as often even the motion of walking/moving made me feel sick Also relate to the eating carbs as eating was the only thing that stopped the nausea. However I was slim so lying about is not a weight thing it’s due to the condition and can’t be helped. Your partner needs to look after and support you and tell his parents to fuck off being so rude!

MisschiefMaker · 06/08/2023 11:16

In laws are awful, I'm sorry you're going through this. There's no excuse for bullying a pregnant woman.

Breastfeeding is often great for weight loss so hopefully that helps you if you choose to do that.

Maybe look into the food women with GD eat while pregnant. That diet is safe for pregnant women and will likely be healthier than what you are eating now and will get you into good habits without harming the baby.

I recommend you batch cook healthy meals to eat post partum so you don't end up snacking.

The good news is it's easy to walk a lot with a newborn because they have a habit of screaming at you the second you sit down Grin

Foo2 · 06/08/2023 11:19

Oh OP, that sounds awful. Your body is going through so much, a decent, caring family (including your husband) should be supporting and nurturing you in that, not making you feel like this.

I agree with calmly saying at the time to the offender that you find the comment or "joke" hurtful. It makes it clear that it's crossed a line with you. At least if it continues after that, they cannot plead ignorance as to the impact on you, or that they're "just joking".

I hope you and DS can get the heck out of there ASAP