To think shared finances are not always fair?

[Gummybears6]

If there are children involved and one person is doing more of the childcare that's totally different, also barring disability and such.
But if there aren't any... I've heard of situations where one party (usually the man) earns well. The woman maybe less, or just works part-time or not at all.
However since people 'should' pool money when married, the woman has access to the same high earnings as the man for little of the work.
I would love to swan around with access to a lot of money and just work part-time. I haven't got that luxury and probably never will.
It's just one of those things in life I suppose. I probably sound resentful, but I am. If it were a high earning woman marrying a much lower earning man, people would be calling him a cocklodger and saying he's taking her for a ride. However the other way round it absolutely must be shared finances as they're married. I don't get it.

I get you'd want your partner to have the same standard of living. But if your partner could work full-time but chooses not to (barring children and other factors) then I just find it lazy and entitled.

I know some people who work as supply teachers (which I do) there can be months where there's hardly any work and they say 'but I can do it because my husband works full-time '.
Well if he didn't, you'd be screwed. So why not get a full-time role and stop sponging off him.

Well usually the full time working partner sees the benefit in their other half not working full time and doing other equally valid things - such as cleaning, childcare and household admin - that make everyone’s lives much easier.

I mean would you rather work full time and have your other half work full time too and spend your evenings cleaning the loo and doing the online shopping and buying birthday presents for relatives, or would it be better to have a bit less money and one of you work part time?

I don’t know of any married women who work part time for no reason. They do it because they’re looking after children the rest of the time. This sounds like you have an issue with a specific person you know but you’re trying to turn it into some kind of profound general point.

But if both of the couple are happy with the arrangement they have made between themselves what does it matter to anyone else?

I've always worked full time, and overtime when needed. Ex worked 25 hours on NMW, and still does. I did (and obviously still do) all the childcare arrangements, cooking, cleaning, organising. It broke me.

The former, obviously, if you’ve no kids, since those activities combined take about ten minutes in total. If you do have kids then this is a moot point.

There’s an overwhelming body of evidence that shows that women are the heavy lifters of the domestic load - so in 99% of these cases she’s still contributing a good chunk of ‘work’ to the household.

if a woman was the high earner and her husband was doing childcare/running the household and doing part time work, he wouldn’t be called a cocklodger on here. That’s reserved for men that maybe make a cuppa, do a school drop off then game for 8hrs while the kids are in after school club mum pays for type set-ups

I don’t think it’s fundamentally unfair.

There’s so many details that change it. Like does the higher earner want and find advantage in the part time parent working part time Or not at all?

I was a single parent for a gold while with mI Al input from the kids Dad. I built my career far more as a single parent than I did when I was with exh.

Now the kids are older, I don’t need childcare etc I have quite a bit of disposable income. Dp benefits from earning a lot as his living costs are minimal, I will pay more in for trips away etc. he has more disposable income than he would if he was with someone who earned less.

I absolutely wouldn’t, put my wage into a shared pot for us both to have equal access to.

I think it’s fair if, for example, a man earns a lot and wants his wife to be a sahp or only work part time so he doesn’t have to rush out of work to pick the kids up when they are sick, doesn’t want to drop offs, pick ups, works late all the time, doesn’t want to do their fair share of household tasks. These things men often claim have to happen to keep earning what they do. Though I don’t really believe it. I work in a male dominated industry and it’s amazing that plenty of women who are parents and are directors mange to leave on time, do drop offs, take responsibility at home…..but the men couldn’t possibly.

If a man is sucking out of home responsibilities, it’s usually a choice. And if that choice, is going to heavily impact the career and earning potential of the other partner I think shared finances is fair.

Yes agreed. I can’t even remember back to pre kids when you could tidy and things would remain tidy, and there weren’t endless after-school club / ballet lesson / school questionnaires / kids immunisation appointments to deal with…

If one of you is part time i almost guarantee that they are picking up the slack at home. I'm pt and each day I shop on my way home from work and produce a meal for as many mouths are around that day (anything from 2-7, dp nearly always, grown up kids plus partners) all laundry, dealing with house projects, fetch prescriptions, diy supplies etc. many days I'm running around until 4, I then start cooking at 4, I don't get a lunch break either as I'm pt! Yes I benefit from higher salary but my job is actually worthwhile to society too

Similar to a pp, I don't know any childless people where one of the couple chooses to work part time.
A situation where one partner is comfortable and can buy what they want while the other has to count the pennies and go without is not my idea of marriage. Marriage is supposed to be forever and one pot of money is the only thing that makes sense.

In my experience, people who work part time do so because of ill health, disability or caring responsibility. All these things are not necessarily obvious, particularly when you don't know someone personally. Try ridding yourself of judgement and maybe get to know people?

Pre kids we both worked full time and were permanently exhausted managing the house and garden. We had no spare money.
Then we had kids, I worked part time, no money, permanently exhausted but the house was a bit cleaner.

It wasn't until now that we earn enough to have a cleaner, work full time (and almost full time) and are not exhausted!

If one person can reduce their hours and manage the house stuff, get car serviced, shop etc, then it's less exhausting all round.

I agree OP I was the much higher earner in my marriage and to be honest it led to a lot of resentment on my part - he didn't work part time - he did work full time but he certainly didn't have any ambition or felt like he was under any great pressure to earn more and better himself or move jobs to earn more. He was able to stay in low pressure low responsibility roles whilst I worked my ass off. We are divorced now and im relieved that im also not going to have to carry him financially through our retirement years (managed to agree a divorce settlement where my pensions aren't touched)

(I don't actually consider home admin or running around to the shops or cooking as being stressful compared to what I do as a job in terms of deadlines, responsibility accountability and so on - horses for courses and all that - really depends on what you do for a job)

Before we had DCs, DH and I were married for 5 years and I didn't work at all, and I was studying for some of that time. Now I'm a sahm, and I don't plan to work when the dc are older. I do have passive sources of income, which I don't tell many people about, so I'd be able to support myself without DH.

I don't do all the domestic or childcare tasks - DH pulls his weight. I have equal access to (substantial) finances. But really I don't need to justify how things work in our marriage to anyone else. We are not going to change how our relationship works to stop others thinking of me as lazy or entitled.

Yes I meant if no children or caring responsibilities are involved. I have seen it a couple of times, as I said in the supply teacher example. Nobody is forcing her to work so little.

("I don't actually consider home admin or running around to the shops or cooking as being stressful compared to what I do as a job in terms of deadlines, responsibility accountability and so on - horses for courses and all that - really depends on what you do for a job)"

You are right - however the tasks are mundane and therefore a huge chore that no one wants to do. So it IS a big deal for the person picking this up as these mundane tasks are essential for happy living

I think it's rare for couples who have no children. I have a friend who hardly works and lives off parental handouts. And she is very spoiled and entitled as you'd imagine. And I also know a childless couple who earn a lot in contract roles and tend to 'take turns' working as they don't need both salaries.

Also not aware of any real life examples, but I guess it could work. If someone is very high earning, they may work long hours in a stressful role. They may appreciate having a partner who makes sure that their laundry is always done, insurance always renewed, healthy meals prepared etc. Let's face it; they also might want a partner who has the time and energy to keep themselves and their home looking good because they want a certain lifestyle. Maybe they don't want arguments about the split of domestic chores.

It depends on whether the two people feel that the other person is contributing in a fair way.

@shode did you ever work and are your sources of passive income self generated or did you inherit those?

If you didn't work for your own source of passive income then I think you live in a different world to most people on here

The thing is, if you dont share finances in a marriage and keep things seperate, you either have the living standard of the lower earner or the higher earner has to be comfortable doing lots of things without the person they love. Its up to them really if they think its worth it, not you. If they hate their job and feel like a bank machine, its not ok. If they love thier job and love sharing their life with their partner its ok.

Yet you work supply?! So your reasons for that are OK but other people's aren't?

What works for some won’t for others.

If the couple is content, what else matters?

I’m the primary income earner. We’ve always had a joint account. I pay the bills, manage the budget. It works for us.

Other couples have their own accounts and contribute to household expenses according to income. That works for them.

Worrying about how other people manage their money in their relationships won’t bring you a moment of joy, so why bother?