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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think shared finances are not always fair?

147 replies

Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 07:05

If there are children involved and one person is doing more of the childcare that's totally different, also barring disability and such.
But if there aren't any... I've heard of situations where one party (usually the man) earns well. The woman maybe less, or just works part-time or not at all.
However since people 'should' pool money when married, the woman has access to the same high earnings as the man for little of the work.
I would love to swan around with access to a lot of money and just work part-time. I haven't got that luxury and probably never will.
It's just one of those things in life I suppose. I probably sound resentful, but I am. If it were a high earning woman marrying a much lower earning man, people would be calling him a cocklodger and saying he's taking her for a ride. However the other way round it absolutely must be shared finances as they're married. I don't get it.

OP posts:
ssd · 06/08/2023 12:08

Cakeandcardio · 06/08/2023 11:29

I think this is one of those situations where it doesn't fucking matter what other people do. A bit like the thread commenting on people who shop together 😅
Absolutely pointless.

Why read and reply then?

QuietDragon · 06/08/2023 12:11

I work part-time, however do have children, so get a free pass according to OP's theory.

However it does amaze me how much my part-time working hours upsets people. IME most of the people that have commented on it work full-time, but earn less than I do! If they spent more time worrying about their own careers, rather than mine they might be able to afford to work part-time too 🙂

Me and DH plan for us both to work part-time in the future, are we both lazy??

Original poster
Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 12:13

A lot of people are only able to do this because of their partner. If they split up they'd be forced to get a job/work more.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 06/08/2023 12:14

Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 12:13

A lot of people are only able to do this because of their partner. If they split up they'd be forced to get a job/work more.

I earn £52.5k part time. I could do this if I were single. I do it because I'm in my 50s and need to slow down a bit.

That ok with you OP?

yogasaurus · 06/08/2023 12:15

Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 12:13

A lot of people are only able to do this because of their partner. If they split up they'd be forced to get a job/work more.

And then you’d be happy?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/08/2023 12:18

Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 12:13

A lot of people are only able to do this because of their partner. If they split up they'd be forced to get a job/work more.

Well yes. And the partner would have to do more domestic work. But whilst they're not split up, and it makes for a lovely life for them BOTH, then why not?

yogasaurus · 06/08/2023 12:18

DH and I work in finance. I am PT (and well-paid). Most of his colleagues’ partners do not work. If they were to split up, they’d be taken care of in a divorce.

Is this okay with you, OP?

Floofydawg · 06/08/2023 12:20

Oh and I still pay someone to clean the house as well.

That ok with you OP?

Original poster
Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 12:21

No need to keep repeating 'that ok with you?'

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 06/08/2023 12:24

Well you seem to be the authority on who works what hours and for what reasons.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/08/2023 12:29

Christ op. Given your chippy responses to everyone on this thread, you need to find more things that make you happy. Can I suggest part time work?

chopc · 06/08/2023 12:30

@arethereanyleftatall how did it work out for you when you divorced? As in are you comfortably off now?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/08/2023 12:38

chopc · 06/08/2023 12:30

@arethereanyleftatall how did it work out for you when you divorced? As in are you comfortably off now?

Yes. When I worked full time before dc, i accrued shares etc, so now have passive income. We also didn't divorce till we were in our forties so by then, our joint assets were solid.
I would rather work 20 hours per week, and enjoy the spare 20 hours walking, swimming, in my garden etc - than work 40 hours and holiday abroad and eat out.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 06/08/2023 12:38

I'm probably one of the people you are referring to.
Two kids but both in school. I work between 2-3 days a week.
I don't consider myself a sponger as on my days off I clean, cook, garden, sort out endless life admin. The mental load of having 2 kids and sorting out all their activities, school stuff, play dates is huge.
DH does fuck all so is more than happy for me to sponge off him as long as it means he doesn't have to do it!

Original poster
Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 12:39

Ohh yes I'm sorry, I forgot people are allowed to be rude and sarcastic to me but I've got to be polite at all times.

OP posts:
Jonniecomelately · 06/08/2023 12:47

Did you realise not everything is about money? Often people choose to work less hours or stressful jobs so they can have a better work/life balance and even move out of London etc so they can have a nice lifestyle on a lower income.

Both working full pelt in stressful jobs is not the only lifestyle model!

Tangocrocus · 06/08/2023 13:11

There are multiple posts daily discussing the pitfalls of financial imbalances in relationships that generally negatively impact the woman. Nowhere do I see women without other responsibilities being encouraged to do this? I also know noone who does this.

I'd be more concerned than resentful if I knew someone in this position.

Why do you care? There are SO many double standards and injustices in life. Life also isn't fair. People also make poor decisions.

How does any of this affect you? If it doesn't, I'd divert your attention elsewhere. For your own happiness.

110APiccadilly · 06/08/2023 13:20

Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 12:13

A lot of people are only able to do this because of their partner. If they split up they'd be forced to get a job/work more.

I'm sure the people concerned know this. If you have a partner and are both full time workers, you have more disposable income than you would if you spilt up, so you'd have to have a lower standard of living. Is that a problem too?

Original poster
Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 13:25

I wouldn't actually, as we don't share finances. And I'm allowed to have an opinion without it having to directly affect me, you could say that about most of the threads on this site really.

OP posts:
110APiccadilly · 06/08/2023 13:52

Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 13:25

I wouldn't actually, as we don't share finances. And I'm allowed to have an opinion without it having to directly affect me, you could say that about most of the threads on this site really.

Unless you're running separate households, I can't see how you could split up but still have the same standard of living. At the least, that would be a very unusual position to be in.

QuietDragon · 06/08/2023 13:54

Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 13:25

I wouldn't actually, as we don't share finances. And I'm allowed to have an opinion without it having to directly affect me, you could say that about most of the threads on this site really.

So you don't live together or pool any resources at all?

That's fine, but there's not much point comparing that to people in a partnership and working together towards joint goals.

I know a few people with the same set up, mostly post-divorce with families they don't want to merge.

But that's a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship, not a marriage/ partnership.

Walkaround · 06/08/2023 14:30

Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 12:02

I don't have to accept being sworn at, please stop telling me how I should or shouldn't be.
I can guarantee there will be another cocklodger thread on here soon, where the man isn't working/only working part time. And no, not all women who work less are doing all of the cleaning and cooking, I highly doubt that.
Anyway, there will be another thread where people will say the man should get a full-time job and he will be called names.

Yes, but not called names by everyone, because not everyone actually sees every man who does less paid work than their spouse as a “cocklodger.”

Walkaround · 06/08/2023 14:55

Gummybears6 · 06/08/2023 12:13

A lot of people are only able to do this because of their partner. If they split up they'd be forced to get a job/work more.

So what? There are a lot of things that could happen to someone that could affect their lifestyle. Unless you are living on your own in the wilderness, you really can’t claim not to be reliant on any other human besides yourself. Paid work is not an automatic virtue - someone will no doubt find something to criticise in a person’s choice of paid work, too. Maybe their choice of work doesn’t fit in with the sort of society you want to live in. Maybe you think they don’t deserve to earn so much for so little “work” as you define work. Maybe you think they deserve to earn very little, despite working really hard, because you think they can’t be very clever or talented to be doing the work they do. Publicly criticising a group of people whose choices you don’t like is just trying to influence opinion and through that, to exert control over others via attempts at public shaming.

SueVineer · 06/08/2023 15:38

Caprisunny · 06/08/2023 07:20

I don’t think it’s fundamentally unfair.

There’s so many details that change it. Like does the higher earner want and find advantage in the part time parent working part time Or not at all?

I was a single parent for a gold while with mI Al input from the kids Dad. I built my career far more as a single parent than I did when I was with exh.

Now the kids are older, I don’t need childcare etc I have quite a bit of disposable income. Dp benefits from earning a lot as his living costs are minimal, I will pay more in for trips away etc. he has more disposable income than he would if he was with someone who earned less.

I absolutely wouldn’t, put my wage into a shared pot for us both to have equal access to.

I think it’s fair if, for example, a man earns a lot and wants his wife to be a sahp or only work part time so he doesn’t have to rush out of work to pick the kids up when they are sick, doesn’t want to drop offs, pick ups, works late all the time, doesn’t want to do their fair share of household tasks. These things men often claim have to happen to keep earning what they do. Though I don’t really believe it. I work in a male dominated industry and it’s amazing that plenty of women who are parents and are directors mange to leave on time, do drop offs, take responsibility at home…..but the men couldn’t possibly.

If a man is sucking out of home responsibilities, it’s usually a choice. And if that choice, is going to heavily impact the career and earning potential of the other partner I think shared finances is fair.

I agree with this - as a single mum I built my career and dealt with home and kids. Yet most of the men in my workplace have women who do all this for them. Tbf I wouldn’t want that - an equal would work for me but I wouldn’t want to bear the burden of supporting another adult.

EpidermalLayer · 06/08/2023 15:47

Walkaround · 06/08/2023 14:55

So what? There are a lot of things that could happen to someone that could affect their lifestyle. Unless you are living on your own in the wilderness, you really can’t claim not to be reliant on any other human besides yourself. Paid work is not an automatic virtue - someone will no doubt find something to criticise in a person’s choice of paid work, too. Maybe their choice of work doesn’t fit in with the sort of society you want to live in. Maybe you think they don’t deserve to earn so much for so little “work” as you define work. Maybe you think they deserve to earn very little, despite working really hard, because you think they can’t be very clever or talented to be doing the work they do. Publicly criticising a group of people whose choices you don’t like is just trying to influence opinion and through that, to exert control over others via attempts at public shaming.

Show quote history

Wow, seems like the OP has touched a nerve! Why all the extrapolation?

YANBU OP. I don't think it's fair, but equally some men like having trophy wives whose only job is to shop and look pretty. I notice that women, even when higher earning are rarely the same, however there aren't many in that position to begin with so not comparable.

As a higher earning woman (also hated on MN) I wouldn't marry someone whose desire was to just 'enjoy life'. We wouldn't be compatible anyway as ambition - not solely monetary, but a desire to 'make something of themselves' is important to me.