Why are other mums so flakey with me?

[tuch]

I moved to a new area a couple of years ago and I'm still struggling to make mum friends. I'm mainly looking for mum friends to have play dates with for my DD, she's 3 and a half.

I've tried approaching different mums I know through nursery, but they're SO flakey. Arranging play dates 4-6 weeks in advance for an hour on a Sunday morning and then flaking out at the last minute ( twice, the same mum ).

Then others I contacted and asked whether they wanted to do a play date over the summer. I got a reply to say yes sure and when would suit etc. when I said X and Y date, nothing else came back.

It's really a struggle. Will it get better once my DD is at school ?

I don't think I am particularly unlikeable. I don't usually struggle to make friends at all in any situation, but it's been really tough since we moved.

Any advice ?

I guess people just don't need or want a new friend then ?

I wouldn’t be interested in arranging a play date 4-6 weeks in advance unless the other person lived a considerable distance away. That’s far too much in advance. Did you mean 4-6 days?

I get it though and have never really found my tribe of mum friends and DS is now 8yo. We moved to this area a month before DC was born so we knew no one and it was too late for NCT etc. I focussed on taking DS to every play group I could find, the park, did a few ad hoc paid-for pre-schooler classes etc. I know lots of people as acquaintances but unfortunately have never found really good friends I could count on. It’s shit bit all I can suggest is to get out and about as much as possible, offer to meet people in the park/soft play as I feel it takes the pressure off for being expected to ‘host’ at home etc.

Is it a village you've moved to? Some of them can be quite cliquey.

Otherwise, like a PP said, it's just a question of joining in with groups etc.

I agree people are flakey though. Seems to have got worse since Covid but not sure what the answer is sorry.

So one person cancelled, and one or two others said yes in principle but didn’t get back to you on dates? It’s not a big sample size to generalise from.

Try the people who didn’t get back to you again, and be specific, casual and low-key — ‘four to six weeks’ in advance is mad, and suggests elaborate preparations which may be off-putting. Go with ‘If you’re around next week, would X like to come over to play for a couple of hours in the afternoon/ meet at the park?’

Also, decide whose social life this is about? You sat you’re looking for ‘mum friends’, but then you say you only want them for play dates your your daughter — two different things. I was never friends with parents encountered via DS’s social life at that age. They usually stayed for coffee when the children were small, but often dropped and ran once we knew one another better and the child was comfortable in our house, and vice versa.

Is it a preschool nursery or a daycare nursery? If its a day nursery playdates might not be much of a thing because both parents are working and the DC get home late and tired.

Is she at nursery? Is there a nursery WhatsApp group? I'd try and make it a bit more casual. Most of our play dates were more like
I'm taking DD to the park at 10 if anyone fancies meeting us.
Rather than weeks of planning.

Haha! Its exactly the same here and drives me fucking nuts. And yes, she did mean weeks. One of my kids has a lovely friend but the family is so ridiculously busy it'll be like, "Lavinia has a three hour window on the third Sunday in September as long as you can drop her at the rock climbing party - an hour away".

You will find someone who can be a bit more spontaneous! School is a bit easier, especially if you walk and friends live in the route.
Solidarity!

I found it easier once they were in school. The first year seems to be full of birthday parties where you can get chatting to people.

I made a few friends at baby groups but then Covid hit and we lost contact. 3-4 was the hardest age to make new friends as everyone is often busy with work and then kids are tired or have activities.

Keep at it, I had to work really hard to put myself out there when my eldest started school but I’ve now got a lovely group of mum friends who I see with and without kids.

I'd avoid that like the plague.

If a mum asked me, I'd run in the other direction.

But I have all my friends, I don't need or want any more friends and I work full time and have other children.

I don't have time.

Oh hang on OP I've just remembered there's an app for this, for local mums who want to hang out with local mums.

I think it's called Peanut

I reckon you just need to keep trying until you find the right people. Finding new friendships is definitely a numbers game.

Mine are 13 and 16 and I have made one friend from the school gates op. This was not due to me going out of my way, it happened naturally as time went on. You can't force friendships to happen.
As a previous poster mentioned, if someone approached me wanting to make play dates etc it would actually put me off, it's a little forced and un-natural.
Give it time, open up your options for meeting people and don't take it personally if it doesn't happen.

When my dc were that age, play dates were always very flexible and often called off at the last minute. Sometimes it’s just the nature of small children especially with all their minor illnesses.

Saturday play dates aren’t the most popular because that’s when people visit grandparents and have family time or do chores if they’re working. Nursery play dates usually happened after a morning session ime but I know that would be difficult for mums that are working full time.

I wouldn’t put pressure on yourself to find play dates purely for your DDs benefit. When she gets to school and makes her own friends, the children will ask for them.

Oh, I didn't suggest 4-6 weeks in advance- the mum suggested it. Then cancelled last minute and then gave me another date a month in advance and cancelled that one too...

Preschool nursery. I work full time too and have a baby as well.

Oh ok. So why is it off putting?

Oh ok. So your kids don't have play dates ? How do these get arranged ?

I may be completely out of touch, but are play dates usual at such a young age?

I don't think I went to anyone's house until I had established friends or party invites in primary.

I'd probably just look for some local community things - play sessions etc.

It will get better when your DD starts school, definitely. See if you can arrange a few half days between September and Christmas to attend some of the parent events. And try to attend the class mum drinks if you possibly can.

Children don't need 'play dates'. Just take them to soft play etc and they will be around other kids there, they'll also be around other kids at nursery.

Class mum drinks?

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I'm the same way. I actively avoid talking to other mums at the school gate. My life is busy enough without throwing in play dates with someone I don't know.

Over the years I have made friends with school mums though, but it's usually with the others who don't want to talk. It's a few words here and there over months. It's like we both know, ah this one's not needy, maybe I'll get to know them 😂

I have found it easier once they are at school. Nursery drop off and pick up seemed a bit too fleeting to actually speak to anyone, but there is a bit more going on at school (fetes and parties and discos and what not) and you can get more involved if you want. The kids friendships get a bit more solidified at school too and there's usually a whatsapp you can join.

We've also found it a bit easier because our kids do a lot of activities, so you see the same parents at rugby and cubs and swimming and all that and there's more chance to talk. My husband is a real 'joiner' so helps out at clubs and school and things too, it's not my thing but he's made loads of friends via that.

You do need to be open minded. Of my 'school mum' friends, only one of them would be my actual friend in any scenario, the others are pleasant enough but we don't have a lot in common outside of our kids and the school stuff. I'm not sure these friendships will stand the rest of time, but for now we look out for each other and help each other out and it is nice to have people going through the same stuff as you.

Maybe you're totally right and I have the completely wrong expectations, I just remember in my childhood we had play dates from 3 years old. In fact even younger. All the mums would just hang out with each other ( they didn't work though which does change it ).

I think you’re putting the cart before the horse. Mum friendships tend to form when children play together and ask for play dates. Usually at primary school. Your child is a little young yet, and still developing social skills.

Not everyone wants friendships or full on commitments when they have young children. Perhaps stop being so intense and deliberate about it all and let things happen naturally.

No i never did that.

With DC 1 and 3, they went to the childminder full time as I was at uni or working.

With DC2 who I was home more with, we would go to the local play group twice a week.