Why are other mums so flakey with me?

[tuch]

I moved to a new area a couple of years ago and I'm still struggling to make mum friends. I'm mainly looking for mum friends to have play dates with for my DD, she's 3 and a half.

I've tried approaching different mums I know through nursery, but they're SO flakey. Arranging play dates 4-6 weeks in advance for an hour on a Sunday morning and then flaking out at the last minute ( twice, the same mum ).

Then others I contacted and asked whether they wanted to do a play date over the summer. I got a reply to say yes sure and when would suit etc. when I said X and Y date, nothing else came back.

It's really a struggle. Will it get better once my DD is at school ?

I don't think I am particularly unlikeable. I don't usually struggle to make friends at all in any situation, but it's been really tough since we moved.

Any advice ?

I guess people just don't need or want a new friend then ?

Play dates didn't start for us until my DS1 started school and even then we've only had a couple in the first year.

I would definitely recommend getting on the Peanut app though, I've met 3 friends through since my DD2 has been born and it's been nice to find my own baby friends through there. I did NCT with my first and never found any lifelong friends through them anyway, we don't even talk anymore. No friends from nursery, and only a couple of slow burners starting to form after one year in Reception. It's hard to crack into existing friendship groups when you've moved somewhere new which is why I joined Peanut as at least you know everyone is in the same boat as you!

Hope you find your people xx

It’s really hard to try and make friends when you’re older, life really gets in the way. I think I’m probably guilty of saying ‘yes, let’s meet for a coffee!’ With great intentions but never follow it through. Like lots of women’s, I’m working (shifts) and have lifelong friends I don’t make enough time already. When I’ve got a spare day I often need to catch up in the house. It’s highly unlikely you, it’s just a modern woman’s world I think!

It is hard work and I had no luck with nursery mums despite much trying. I found mums who work just aren’t interested in their children having a social life. I did make some good friends once I started taking DD to daytime playgroups and classes, where I met other SAHMs who were also keen on playdates. (But even those guys eventually went back to work a couple of years later and dropped us overnight.)

Once your DC are at school it does get easier, as in reception and year one there are a lot of weekend birthday parties where parents stay and chat to each other. But after that even the parties are all ‘drop and go’ and your chance to make playdate buddies is basically over (unless you have a very popular child and other kids start pestering their parents to invite her).

It’s also quite different with boys vs girls: I find mums are much more willing to have a girl round after school than a boy, no matter how quiet and well behaved the boy.

So, I’d suggest not expecting much from the nursery mums and instead put your energy into chatting to other parents at playgroups/classes. If you work full time I’m not sure how you’d do it except maybe at weekend stagecoach classes etc.

Also most people forget to respond to a wattsapp and need chasing twice 👀

It’ll definitely get better at school. You’ll see the same exhausted mums and dads who’ve rushed from work to collect theirs and would love an offer of you picking up their child on the odd occasion. Also your dc will make friends, want sleepovers, have birthday parties………you’ll make friends too. My dd is 30 and we are still very much in touch with our friends. It’s weddings and babies and grandma play dates now 🤗

I have made lovely acquaintances from nursery and school. Wouldn’t meet up without the kids but I know they will help me out if I need a school pick up, and vice versa.
during nursery, I would often go to the nearby park, and we’d always meet some people there, over time that develops into chats.
but I have also left my phone number at nursery for a parent of a friend my DC wanted to play with, and others have left their phone number for me. Just… hi, I’m X’s mum, x talks about your child all the time, would you like to go to the park sometimes. Has always worked

I know exactly what you are looking for, some lovely friends with children at the same age that you can organise play dates and fun times. A glass of wine and dinners in the evening sometimes. Family BBQs.

I did have this with NCT group, a Pilates group for mothers with children and later nursery and school. The groups wax and wane, some friends leave and drop by the wayside. I have many friends left over from each one.

My best advice is to start out making some friends of your own, a small group of similarly minded friends. Join lots of clubs and groups with your baby and don’t suggest play dates. Let the friendships evolve naturally and start with a walk to the park afterwards or a coffee in the cafe after a club and build from there. It takes time. I have very old and special friends now of many years, and we have shared a lot of experiences good and bad.

In my experience other mums will want to arrange playdates when children get to year 1/2 and make firmer friendships. I've had to introduce myself to a couple of mums at school because my son was begging me to have a specific friend over and I felt like I had to ask for him. He is an only child though so that plays a huge part for me probably, I'm conscious of making an effort for his social life.

There was also a constant stream of whole class birthday parties in reception, which is an opportunity to chat to other parents.

I think this is probably partly a factor of you being in a new area where presumably a lot of people already know one another and there’s less impetus to meet new friends. There’s not much you can do about this except just calmly carry on being friendly and open to meeting people and inviting thrm.

I would wonder also if your invitations are coming across as a bit over formal. It tends to pretty spontaneous at this age: the kids get on and the adults sort of fall in. Some people find socialising hard and have to really psych themselves up to do it, a lot of people are just busy and exhausted.

Dont be discouraged and keep inviting people but also bear in mind people are busy and have other commitments. I’m pretty sure as PPs have said you will find this changes when your DC moves to big school. I think you will also find that the more chilled you are, the more people will naturally warm to you. If the invitations come across as more relaxed and informal they are psychologically easier.

Yes pretty much !

'I would wonder also if your invitations are coming across as a bit over formal. It tends to pretty spontaneous at this age: the kids get on and the adults sort of fall in. Some people find socialising hard and have to really psych themselves up to do it, a lot of people are just busy and exhausted'

The only times I see the other parents is at pick up. Everyone kind of rushes off. I've had a few chats with some other mums and they've said ' let's set up a play date soon '.. so I just texted asking when are they up for it. Another mum said on the parents group she was at a loss of what to do with her child all summer, so I said, I'm happy to meet so our girls can play ( I had previously had very long chats with this mum and we got on really well ).

Then another mum actually suggested to organise a play date and said how about in 6 weeks from now. Which is FAR from chilled and breezy, like you describe. She then cancelled it the day before and rearranged it for a month later ( at which point I said I really can't commit that far in advance and I may have other plans around that time ). She again cancelled the day before, saying her DD had been invited to a birthday party she would rather she go to.... as it turns out it also wasn't a good time for us anyway. But yeah I feel it's others that are overly formal / inflexible / need moths of notice even though we live a 10 minute drive away etc.

I may just have been unlucky with this particular mum. But if you add it all up, I just feel pretty rejected by it all and I a bit done trying.

That reminds me, another mum approached me and said her DD is always talking about my DD. So she said they should play together etc / organise play date. Our second is also the same age.. anyway, I reached out and not much came back. I also have a one touch rule, if someone doesn't come back to me once, I don't tend to try again. I wait for them to try after I've tried.

Great for you.
Some people are trying to make friends.

The obvious question might be are they likely to be the kind bog people that only socialise with those ‘born in the village’ types? Or is it a cosmopolitan place?
Do you ‘fit in’? If they are wearing wellies are you pitching up in heels and skinnies? Or the other way around. Subconscious cues curiously matter.
Is it a snobbish, cliquey place? Or one with friends that go back for generations?

If no to all the above, I think you have been unlucky. If yes good luck it’s jolly hard work but can be done eventually.

I would drop the play date organisation and focus on getting to know them and their children properly. Let others make the move. Also your rule of one strike is probably harming your chances. People often need time to warm up and trust others. Asking them once and never again may not work.

I wish so much to be helpful. Congratulations on your bravery and proactivity. My daughter used to physically pull away from kids in the playground , made herself few close friendships, did not recognise how to keep one, made other friends, some with boys, and I never had even a chance to say anything or even if I tried, she had so much her own mind set up on things. She is flourishing her own way and I work in events , so I see plenty of people and never lack social company.

Op agree dont be chasing people.. mams good in my daughters year. Hard when people work or shift work. Im one chance too you come across desperate otherwise. Im joining few hobbies as feel like u not meeting anyone

I met a group of friends at baby group ( different ones with each of my kids) we would do play dates/coffee etc. each time it started to die off when kids were around 3 as parents were increasing work hours and less invested in kids meet ups.

Out of them all I have 1 friend left. I think once kids start nursery/ school parents are working a lot and maybe already have friends/family to meet with. Also agree people are more anti social since lockdown I would give up on 4-6 weeks woman but maybe ask others. If it was me I'd happily meet up with a new person and would consider that you might be a bit lonely/ looking to make friends. At school your lo will more likely choose friends and play dates will come from that.

Some people aren't interested in 'mum friends.' What even is that anyway?

I have friends. Some of them are mums.

The thought of bonding with someone over our crotch goblins doesn't sound appealing.

Open your horizon to 'friends.' Drop the mum bit.

It's a bit cringe and forced.

You might find people who like that sort of thing on the peanut app if it hasn't been mentioned.

At that age I would make it more casual and last minute. '.... and I are going to the park after nursery would you like to come too?'

Playdates with 3 year olds in someone's house you don't know are quite unappealing. Adult supervision required the whole time. Great with people you know well but hard work with new people.

It all changes when school starts. I found that as soon as people find out your child will be classmates with theirs they are much more willing to invest time and energy into getting to know you. Don't be hurt. I think people are so pushed for time and energy with jobs and older kids whose activities and playdates matter more.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. I liked playdates when dc were pre school as I'd moved area and it was my social life too!

I just think it's a numbers game - keep trying, you sound lovely, and eventually you'll find like minded people who want to make friends. Good luck

Ive found ad hoc you can get better take up. Eg school pick up, see who's floating a bit aimlessly rather sprinting off to swimming lesson etc and say "do you want to bring tommy for a play with jack?"

Get to know people, remember that Sally has Wednesday afternoons off.

I find most people simply don't want to do weekends.

I’m in a similar position as I’m not from this area originally but I’m lucky that a couple of friends I’ve made from work have similar aged children so we’re able to do things together.

DD is 4 and also attends preschool, I’ve never really managed to get to know any of the mums as we don’t really mix at pick up it’s a queue system, there’s a WhatsApp group but it’s hard to tell who is who’s parents and it’s mostly lost property. There has been a few birthday parties, including DDs, so that was lovely to see them all play together. I think school will be more the time for play dates rather than nursery.

I did meet one mum I kept in touch with from all the baby groups I went to (before covid ruined it!) and we do still keep in touch on Instagram and have a play dates occassionally. I do blame covid for not having more friends from those kind of groups, but it’s hard to bond with people when you’re sat 2metres apart and wearing a mask!

I think that’s true, even before covid, mothers often have first and second baby relatively close together and return to work (in my case almost all full time) and the regular meeting up died off very quickly. They suddenly had to try and squeeze things in, and then we all had new friends and circles at different schools.

I agree it’s a tricky age for that reason.

Play dates were mostly park visits/ farm visits etc under five years old.

I find it very arrogant when people think it weird or unpleasant when someone wants to make new friends. Often I actually suggest things because I want to help the other person. I also think that by blocking the idea of new friends people are missing out on what could be an incredible social connection. Such people should fast forward to their retirement, when they lose friends who sadly pass away, and maybe then will realise it would have been nice to build more friendships.

OP, I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. Other people can just be a bit selfish sometimes.

My DCs are much older now but I always found that the communication between parents dwindled away in the summer holidays, even amongst parents who knew each other quite well. Do you have local parks? I found that if we went to our local playground in the summer we would often bump into other children that we knew. It was a relaxed way of letting the children play together and usually the mums would chat too. Sometimes a whole group would form spontaneously which was nice.