Why are other mums so flakey with me?

[tuch]

I moved to a new area a couple of years ago and I'm still struggling to make mum friends. I'm mainly looking for mum friends to have play dates with for my DD, she's 3 and a half.

I've tried approaching different mums I know through nursery, but they're SO flakey. Arranging play dates 4-6 weeks in advance for an hour on a Sunday morning and then flaking out at the last minute ( twice, the same mum ).

Then others I contacted and asked whether they wanted to do a play date over the summer. I got a reply to say yes sure and when would suit etc. when I said X and Y date, nothing else came back.

It's really a struggle. Will it get better once my DD is at school ?

I don't think I am particularly unlikeable. I don't usually struggle to make friends at all in any situation, but it's been really tough since we moved.

Any advice ?

I guess people just don't need or want a new friend then ?

I don't think I'm intense at all. But definitely deliberate.

I just won't ask anyone again. Other mums have said, ' oh we should do play dates ' to me, plenty of times... but then it never went anywhere. So I'm not the only one who suggests it.

This is why it's so hard making friends as an adult. Nobody is willing to say hello or even entertain the notion that somebody may be starting from scratch. Thinking someone off for being proactive and making an invitation is ridiculous, how else do interactions build? Friendships don't spontaneously occur. If you're lucky enough to have lots of pre existing friends or have grown up in the same area then please spare a bit of empathy for people relocating, or losing friends through bereavements etc etc. It's not needy to actually go fuck this, I'm going to speak to that person and see if they fancy a playdate with my child.

I didn’t socialise much with the nursery Mums. Chatted a few times at birthday parties but that’s it really. Play dates became more of a thing once the kids found their friends at school. It will come OP, just give it time.

I’m saying this kindly, and from experience, but I wonder if you are coming across as a bit needy. But mum cliques are tricky and I experienced this too. We set up our own local toddler group as a result and that massively helped make some connections. I’m still friends with some of those parents now even though our kids aren’t. I think mum friends are a bonus rather than the norm. It’s a whole group of disparate people whose only common denominator is kids. As a result, I think it can veer towards bitchiness (if you’ve nothing else to talk about, gossip/bitching is a common leveller) and cliques that can be tricky to pierce. I’d try to relax, do loads of clubs, chat freely at the park, join local activities- kiddy and adult. But carve out your friendships based on normal things like interests, hobbies, work etc not school or nursery mums where it can definitely feel like banging your head against a wall.
if you can set up your own local group though then do, ours is still going ten years on run by different parents and was deliberately run on the inclusive friendly basis that so many of us felt we were lacking. And it worked, because we set the tone and everyone followed. Our mission statement was that one of the core group would approach each and every new face. I ran into a local mum the other day and she said that approach/friendly environment had been a real lifeline to her. you’d be amazed how many mums feel like you. Seize the day OP!

People are fucking wierd about adult friendships these days.

People are desperate to show the world how busy they are, how much they don't need friends, how much better than you they are.

Friendly human beings are rare now.

And kids don't have play dates any more- they have so many activities they don't have time.

Agree. 'i don't need more friends.' how delightful for you.

Just change your wording. Playdates sounds a bit official to me. I've met some of my closest friends through Nursery & school over the years but I would usually go down the route of "Hi, x & x seem to be getting on really well dont they? Do you have time next week for a coffee, and let the kids have a play?"

Maybe worth a try?

So true.

OP, I arranged play dates when my DC were at nursery — only with their friends though. I didn’t end up making friends with other mums until they started school though. It definitely gets easier, I think, especially if you’re around for drop off/pick ups. (I work so wasn’t always but even so have made some good friends.)

At 3 I only did playmates with their absolute favourites, otherwise we'd do parties and maybe bump into people. My friends who also had kids we did meet up but tbh the kids were not really great friends, they were forced to be. I make more friends through work.

OP I’m willing to bet this is the season you’re in, not forever.

I moved to a new area a couple of years ago and I'm still struggling to make mum friends. I'm mainly looking for mum friends to have play dates with for my DD, she's 3 and a half.

We moved to a new area when our first kid was 7 weeks old. It was hard and lonely for a long time. Looking back, you just have to keep trying. Try different people, try different opportunities and activities to meet people, keep trying with the same people, keep slapping a smile on and getting out here. Don’t hide away, but don’t be too full on and come across desperate. Be tenacious but chilled. Dont expect everyone to be a forever friend (I’m sure you don’t).

It’s hard. 8 years and 2 more kids on, I have a good handful of friends and know a lot of other people too. I finally feel part of the community. Luckily 2 of my friends are social butterflies and I was lucky they took me under their wing, and in turn got me oh of that rut and gave me confidence to find more friends.

Good luck!

There's a big distinction between playfdates for the children, where they choose who they play with and the point is to build friends for the children. These don't start until school age and generally second or third year when the children are actually friends. And mums don't attend these are just for the children.

And, mums and younger children hanging out together for something to do during the week. And/or because the mums are friends. It is really, really tricky to do these sort if you either weren't friends before children or are able to go to toddler groups etc to get to know people. No one does hanging out to fill time with three year old at the weekend generally unless they were friends pre children.

OP I’m not sure why you’ve gotten such a frosty response here. Unless you only want to socialise with your husband/partner/kids, most of us need friends and they’re tricky to make as an adult!

If you go to groups or things like that, I found I had to just talk to people even though it felt so so awkward! And then maybe suggest lunch after playgroup… and sometimes it clicks and a friendship forms. I think I’ve been mega lucky and found good mum friends who introduced me to others and then someone had made a WhatsApp group… I have also posted on a local community page to see if anyone fancies getting the kids together.

I also think finding something for you without the kids locally helps. I joined the gym, my friend is in a local choir, there’s a women’s walking group etc.

Good luck OP XX

As a lonely mum this whole thread is depressing. I'm the opposite, if a mum took the initiative to ask for a playdate I'd happily accept. @tuch if you're near Glasgow let's have a playdate!

I think you need to be clear in your own mind about who is you want friends for. You , in which case suggest a drink or something adult so you can get to know people or maybe do a regular hobby.

Your child, in which case they are still a bit young and it will happen as they start school

@DatumTarum so true. Probably the same people trotting out “Be Kind”. Can’t put themselves in anyone else’s shoes or go out of their way to be kind to potentially lonely Mums also just trying to do the best by their kids.

I don't really mind. It's more for my DD's benefit, but because she's young then it's kind of both. Can't it be a mix ? I certainly don't need any friends right now. It's more to see my DD happy. She's really sociable.

In any case, at her age, I thought the two things go together. I know people at DD previous nursery who have become absolute besties, a big group of mums and kids the same age. We joined too late, so didn't take part in it. But I've been told by other mums that they have play dates all the time etc. so I don't think it's unheard of that these things happen.

Unfortunately I'm not in Glasgow, otherwise I would be totally up for it !

So true!

I find the easiest way is to say "I'm going to softplay at 3 if [child] wants to come too?"

I honestly think it's the working full-time thing.

Mums tend to hang out with their children as something to fill the long and lonely working week. So hang out together simply for something to do and to talk to someone. Anyone.

And people tend to get to know each other at baby groups and toddler classes which means that they get to see each other each week, and then it naturally becomes lets go for a coffee afterwards.

But if you work full time you don't need to fill the working week in the same way.

And other parents at a daycare nursery are often the same, or might hang out together on non working days

And at weekends, particularly if they have older children, then the entire time is taken up with kids activities.

Could you possibly take a few days annual leave to try the local toddler group for two or three weeks and get to meet people.

Nah, they're too busy getting their bariatric SUV's stuck in traffic on the way to little Isla's cheer leading class.

Op your right its hard work. This might develop more when she starts school. Have def found this in last few years nobody commits.. we know a couple through my husb ah great to see u that was 16mths ago. I said due a catch up let me know dates. Nothing. Cant be assed now.

Its hard op but I agree they meet more through school. On a plus while my kids much older now did meet some nice mams through school times. We still in touch