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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being off with me?

59 replies

BarbieMovie · 04/08/2023 17:24

My friend organised a girls lunch last week for six of us and I said yes at the time (about 3 weeks ago).

I’ve been feeling shit as works been horrendous and I completely forgot about it until she put a reminder in the group chat. I called her for a chat and she asked then if I was coming and I said I needed to check if there were vegan options.

This is my bad but I was so busy all week, I felt like shit (on anti-depressants) and I just didn’t want to go. She text me the morning of to say I still hadn’t come back to her and I said I didn’t realise (which is true) and that I won’t be coming.

She’s now being super off with me, like I messaged to say the food looked amazing when she posted a photo of it and she ignored it. She’s giving one word answers now etc - she’s knows I’m having a shit time so I thought she’d understand.

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 04/08/2023 17:26

I mean it’s pretty shitty to only answer that aren’t actually going, on the day of and only because she promoted you again.
Feel as rubbish, run down, overwhelmed, depressed as you want but it’s not an excuse to treat your friends badly and then expect lots of grace from them.

Maxaluna · 04/08/2023 17:29

You could send her a message acknowledging that you should have responded more quickly to her messages, that you're aware it made things difficult for them and you're sorry about that.

PacManMom · 04/08/2023 17:29

Being depressed isn't an excuse to treat your friends badly. YABU.

lovemelongtime · 04/08/2023 17:32

Just send her a true apology and then leave it up to her.

You did let her down so acknowledge it, but remind her what this going through.

PinkyFlamingo · 04/08/2023 17:33

Oh come on.

Tilllly · 04/08/2023 17:33

You need to apologise

But explain you're struggling

MatildaTheCat · 04/08/2023 17:36

Arranging group meals and events is a crap job. First getting a date everyone can make, where to go and all the rest. You just made it harder and yes, she’s entitled to be fed up. Were you just going to not show up?

Apologise properly and mean it. And get well soon but don’t use your health as an excuse for not responding to messages.

Memyselfandtheothers · 04/08/2023 17:37

YABU. You may be depressed and not want to go but you should have said so. You have let her down and it is reasonable of her to feel upset with you. Being depressed doesn’t stop your actions from impacting other people. You need to give an honest and genuine apology that acknowledges that you should have responded sooner.

Original poster
BarbieMovie · 04/08/2023 17:39

I did genuinely forget that I hadn’t told her I was going

OP posts:
MistyMorningMelons · 04/08/2023 17:40

You've been really rude. I'm not surprised she's annoyed with you.

LemonLight · 04/08/2023 17:40

Having suffered severely from depression I understand your struggles but it isn't a get out of jail free card for behaving like this. As gently as possible, you will lose friends if you treat them this way. I would apologise to her properly and acknowledge that you were crap without trying to excuse yourself using your mental health.

Memyselfandtheothers · 04/08/2023 17:41

BarbieMovie · 04/08/2023 17:39

I did genuinely forget that I hadn’t told her I was going

Then just own it and apologise.

TeaKitten · 04/08/2023 17:43

BarbieMovie · 04/08/2023 17:39

I did genuinely forget that I hadn’t told her I was going

It’s still very rude and flakey. I don’t understand why you are surprised she’s being off with you.

Hufflepods · 04/08/2023 17:44

BarbieMovie · 04/08/2023 17:39

I did genuinely forget that I hadn’t told her I was going

So? If she hadn’t chased you then you would have just been a no show. It’s shitty behaviour, doesn’t matter what’s going on.
You don’t really have a leg to stand on to moan about her!

Memyselfandtheothers · 04/08/2023 17:46

Just thinking through your response though, I’m genuinely interested to know if your gut feeling/response is, “I’m depressed, surely she should understand.” and you don’t feel you have anything to apologise for or is it, “oh crap, I should have said I wasn’t coming. Sorry I was rubbish at communicating, it was an honest mistake.”

Using mental health as an excuse to be exempt from bad behaviour isn’t okay.

Lalabright23 · 04/08/2023 17:48

You may very well have "genuinely forgotten" to tell her, but you should still apologise for being rude and not getting back to her.

LimitIsUp · 04/08/2023 17:48

Is this a one off OP or have you done this before? If the latter, therein lies your answer. I am sure it's recoverable though

I hope you start to feel better soon

Makemineacosmo · 04/08/2023 17:49

Lots of us struggle with work, depression, life in general but you really can't think of it as an excuse to treat people poorly. You need to own it and apologise.

Pinkcars · 04/08/2023 17:55

Oh for crying out loud, she forgot to tell them she wasn't joining them for lunch because she is having a super hard time. It's not the crime of the century!

OP, I think that your friends should be a bit more understanding, tbh.

Virginsexonthebeachplease · 04/08/2023 17:59

It's annoying when people are flakey.

I also wonder whether you have done this more than once but either way I'd probably be off with you too!

Your time isn't more important than anyone else's and other people have things going on too.

gamerchick · 04/08/2023 17:59

Would you have just not turned up?

Tell her you're sorry. That life is overwhelming at the minute and you don't know if you're coming or going. If she's a friend she'll not be stroppy with you

Shoxfordian · 04/08/2023 18:01

Yeah you’re in the wrong here for being flakey and not messaging her sooner about it

If they know you’re vegan then presumably they would have booked somewhere with vegan options anyway

Wisenotboring · 04/08/2023 18:02

I get absolutely sick to death of being he organiser and instigator of so many things that happen socially.it can make me feel like my friendship isn't worth as much to other people. Add in chasing people for confirmations and I would get pretty annoyed tbh. It would probably be worth letting this person know that you value her and don't want her to feel unimportant...you were just feeling low.

squashi · 04/08/2023 18:04

I'd send another apology (nothing OTT, but genuine and direct), say you hope she's OK and then leave it with her.

Overthebow · 04/08/2023 18:05

You were being unreasonable and you should apologise.