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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend being off with me?

59 replies

BarbieMovie · 04/08/2023 17:24

My friend organised a girls lunch last week for six of us and I said yes at the time (about 3 weeks ago).

I’ve been feeling shit as works been horrendous and I completely forgot about it until she put a reminder in the group chat. I called her for a chat and she asked then if I was coming and I said I needed to check if there were vegan options.

This is my bad but I was so busy all week, I felt like shit (on anti-depressants) and I just didn’t want to go. She text me the morning of to say I still hadn’t come back to her and I said I didn’t realise (which is true) and that I won’t be coming.

She’s now being super off with me, like I messaged to say the food looked amazing when she posted a photo of it and she ignored it. She’s giving one word answers now etc - she’s knows I’m having a shit time so I thought she’d understand.

OP posts:

Hufflepods · 04/08/2023 20:05

HateLongCovid · 04/08/2023 20:00

Because she's by depressed. She could be suicidal for all you know, but don't worry you just carry on berating her and help her to feel even more crap about herself. There is a difference between just being down and clinical depression!

Show quote history

Exactly, so could the friend for all you know.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 04/08/2023 20:06

Wisenotboring · 04/08/2023 18:02

I get absolutely sick to death of being he organiser and instigator of so many things that happen socially.it can make me feel like my friendship isn't worth as much to other people. Add in chasing people for confirmations and I would get pretty annoyed tbh. It would probably be worth letting this person know that you value her and don't want her to feel unimportant...you were just feeling low.

This.
Sorry OP but unless you do your fair share of organising things in your friendship group then you won't understand how absolutely ball achingly annoying it is when people flake out on you. If I ( and one other friend) didn't organise things within our group we'd hardly see each other. It makes me not want to bother with group stuff, to be honest.

drpet49 · 04/08/2023 20:08

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/08/2023 20:05

You may have been feeling down but your friend had to ask you four times
First you said yes, then you said you'd have to check it was vegan - which is lame because why say yes and then pull back to query the food,
and then you just didn't reply.
She left the last text until the day of the event so it wasn't like she was pestering you. Which means she was hoping that you'd reply sometime that week.

Imagine if she'd had to ask each of the 5 people, 4 times each. It's absolutely draining.

You complain that she's being "off" with you as if this is really out of order - but think about how "off" you have been with her. You've treated her like her time and efforts mean nothing, when she was trying to do something nice for the group.

I understand if you are feeling shit, but Your posts don't show that you really feel any remorse about how you've treated her - if she's picked up on that her reaction is not surprising.

This.

BrawnWild · 04/08/2023 20:11

Is there any chance the venue was also chosen with you in mind? That they would have booked someoeweher else had they known you werent going?

BrawnWild · 04/08/2023 20:12

She could have pretended to be nicer to your face but her irritation is valid.

SheerLucks · 05/08/2023 10:21

PacManMom · 04/08/2023 17:29

Being depressed isn't an excuse to treat your friends badly. YABU.

This. You're coming across as very flaky when your friend seemed to be putting a lot of effort in.

I don't want to sound patronising, but putting other's feelings first can help with depression, as it takes the focus off you.

Dulra · 05/08/2023 10:33

Going against the grain here but I don't think you're being unreasonable. I was out for a meal last night with a group of 6 friends was organised a few weeks ago because one friend lives overseas and is back for the weekend. One friend messaged yesterday afternoon saying she'd a really bad week at work was feeling exhausted and stressed and didn't feel she'd be good company. Our messages back were don't worry mind yourself self care is important we will miss you. Surely that's the response a friend needs why make them feel worse then they potentially already do? Yes forgetting to respond to say you wouldn't be coming was poor but I still don't know what difference it would make to the organiser there's still enough of them to make for a lovely lunch.

Pressuretoohigh · 05/08/2023 11:14

I understand OP. I have clinical depression and ADHD. Remembering to do things such as replying to messages is a genuine struggle particularly if I am going through a difficult time.

I am open with my friends about this and do try my best. I apologise when I do forget. I've had friends who have ended the friendship because of this (and other issues) and I'm completely fine about that - we both obviously needed different things from the friendship.

In this instance I'd apologise and explain but I certainly wouldn't beat myself up about it. If my friend was responding with single word answers I'd leave her to it.

UnRavellingFast · 05/08/2023 11:47

I have a friend who is always struggling but doesn’t seem to recognise that other people struggle too. She never bothers to respond to invitations and this is of course her right. Equally it’s my right not to bother with her anymore - after years of trying to be supportive. We’re both grownups with choices.

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