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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want to go holiday

105 replies

VinoVeritas1 · 04/08/2023 16:43

My DH and my oldest son are currently in France staying with my parents in their house - I've stayed behind this week with the little one, as the weather forecast was non-stop rain where they are this first week and because of it's rural location, it would be very very difficult to keep the small one occupied - think an isolated farmhouse with one or two cottages nearby and nothing within walking distance - nearest swimming pool for example is a 45 min drive. So I opted to remain at home for the first week whilst the bigger ones go.

I'm due to join them on Monday - but I still don't want to leave here! I enjoy being in my home, doing nice day trips locally with the little one, and I don't want the hassle of having to drive to Dover, catch a fucking ferry, drive to the house, which is old and rambling, has no hot water (usually end up having to heat fucking saucepans on the stove for kids' baths.) It sounds like a rural idyll and it can be - I used to love it before I had kids but honestly, now i'm in mummy-mode I hate the whole hassle of it. My eldest is just approaching an age where he can enjoy a bigger adventure but i'd rather not go and stay at home, where everything sodding well works and I can control my environment. If I'm honest it's also quite nice not to have DH and the older one around - I've got the house to myself, I can keep the house tidy and I like not having them around me dominating the space all the time. Peace and quiet.

I feel I'm only going to please everyone else - my parents are already annoyed that I cancelled the first week out there - they think I was rude to do so and think the family need to be together all the fucking time - I'm far happier on my own here with the younger one. Fed up being dictated too - I wish they'd all just bugger off actually - i'm stressed just thinking about it. But if I don't go out there they'll be more drama - "see, I knew you'd bale out" etc etc

AIBU for NOT wanting to go on holiday???

OP posts:
bananaboats · 04/08/2023 18:35

I think your mistake was agreeing to go in the first place! I think this time you should suck it up and go but plan something else next time

LovingLalo · 04/08/2023 18:36

Just seems a bit odd that you only want to spend time with one of your kids not both. You say you are in mummy mode but you are acting like you are in preferred child mode.
No point in asking for opinions if you only want the ones that suit you.
I do honestly feel sorry for your eldest child.

FairAcre · 04/08/2023 18:39

PinkiOcelot · 04/08/2023 18:17

OP - am I being unreasonable.
A lot of posters - yes you are.
OP - no I’m not, stamps feet and spits out dummy.

So your husband gets on with your parents (we’ve only got your word on that)! You should’ve gone the first week as well. Ridiculous excuse to stay home.

This

JusthereforXmas · 04/08/2023 18:46

Part of being a parent is sucking it up, its no longer about you... you enjoyed it before kids, we all enjoyed holidays before kids we still have to suck it up and give our kids those good experience even if we are just doing the same parenting tasks elsewhere and not having 'fun'.

Riapia · 04/08/2023 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MumblesParty · 04/08/2023 18:50

OP you’re getting annoyed with people for making assumptions, but you’re contradicting yourself. First you say your parents are annoyed you skived off the first week, then you’re saying they’re all having a great time without you and would be happier if you didn’t go. Which one is it?

If they are all genuinely happier without you (and when I say “All”, I mean your parents, husband AND your other child), why did you arrange to go there in the first place? If they would prefer you to be there, then you should just get over there, because that’s what you arranged.

You made an arrangement and now you want to change the plans to suit yourself, which is not fair.

tracylamont13 · 04/08/2023 18:51

I have parents in rural France and it's tricky. I think it's reasonable to not want to go but, this time at least, I think you should go and make the best of it.

Asparagus1 · 04/08/2023 18:53

We came home from France 36 hours early last week because the weather was awful. I don’t blame you but it’s not really fair on your hubby

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 04/08/2023 18:57

JusthereforXmas · 04/08/2023 18:46

Part of being a parent is sucking it up, its no longer about you... you enjoyed it before kids, we all enjoyed holidays before kids we still have to suck it up and give our kids those good experience even if we are just doing the same parenting tasks elsewhere and not having 'fun'.

Exactly this.

Its not fair that one parent should do all of the parenting.

The only reason some posters are supporting you is because you’re a women.

If you had posted saying you were on holiday and your PILs and your DH was at home and didn’t want to join because he was enjoying having the house to just himself and youngest, everyone would be going mad saying he’s selfish.

They absolutely would not be encouraging him to stay home or pretend to have an illness so he doesn’t have to go.

thecatinthetwat · 04/08/2023 19:14

I think you probably have to go. But you could run it by DH and see what he thinks. You need him on side if you’re going to pull this off. Would your other child feel a bit disappointed?

JudgeRudy · 04/08/2023 19:19

YANBU for not wanting that 'type' of holiday. YABU for not speaking up sooner and saying you weren't up for it. You need to put an end to this silly charade and be honest.

Heronwatcher · 04/08/2023 19:24

Just for reference the weather next week in northern France looks great too- this is Arras. OP I think if you break out of your bubble this once and go then you’d be on firm ground to insist on somewhere else next time.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/weather/3036784

Arras - BBC Weather

14-day weather forecast for Arras.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/weather/3036784

Clafoutie · 04/08/2023 20:16

Lots of people suggesting faking illness on here. The problem with lies is that you have to maintain them, or they trip you up later. Moreover, if you do get caught out, the hurt caused is often much worse than if there had been honesty in the first place. But we all know this!

KarmaStar · 04/08/2023 20:23

Wow!you've talked yourself into not going alright.
You are not just mum to a baby,you have another child who also has a right to have holidays with his mum!
You should not just leave your dh with your parents either.
You are a daughter and a wife,you will have support from your family,your parents won't be here forever and your older dc won't agree for many more years to holiday with his parents.
Turn off the negativity and open your mind to the positives of going.

Stomacharmeleon · 04/08/2023 20:58

I would just speak to your husband and explain. Dip your toe and then make a decision.
I like being by myself and I get what you mean so no spite from me.

labamba007 · 04/08/2023 21:41

Could you ask your DH what he thinks? If he's happy to stay on his own then stay at home and make it up to your parents. It would definitely be hard work in the middle of nowhere but perhaps next time say no! Do your parents visit you?

friendlycat · 04/08/2023 22:07

Realistically you do need to go. You made a commitment to this visit and shouldn’t have done so if you wanted to backtrack later on.

You’ve already had a week to yourself with little one and now you need to go and join everyone else.

It’s not really viable to suddenly announce that you’re not going at all. It’s not fair to your DH your older child or your parents. Of course it’s going to cause upset if you don’t go.

Accept you’ve had time on your own and now you need to join your family on the planned trip as some of them are there and have been for a week already.

If you want to not go next year then you state that you’re not visiting that year but that’s the future.

Curtainswithpompoms · 04/08/2023 22:16

friendlycat · 04/08/2023 22:07

Realistically you do need to go. You made a commitment to this visit and shouldn’t have done so if you wanted to backtrack later on.

You’ve already had a week to yourself with little one and now you need to go and join everyone else.

It’s not really viable to suddenly announce that you’re not going at all. It’s not fair to your DH your older child or your parents. Of course it’s going to cause upset if you don’t go.

Accept you’ve had time on your own and now you need to join your family on the planned trip as some of them are there and have been for a week already.

If you want to not go next year then you state that you’re not visiting that year but that’s the future.

Honestly. Ladies! Are we really all such bloody martyrs still?
OP- I beg of you, do not do this to yourself or your little one. It sounds like a recipe for your burnout.

StartSWagaintomorrow · 04/08/2023 22:18

I wish my relatives felt this way about visiting me! Do as you want. Tell them you have an infection which invalidates health insurance get a picture of a big boil or something off the internet.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 04/08/2023 22:24

I hate the fucking ferry. And no hot water would be an issue for me. It doesn't sound like much of a holiday.

However, your husband is there with your parents and other child.....I think you owe it to them to go this time. Maybe make other plans for next year.

Herejusttocomment · 04/08/2023 22:26

How old is little one?

I had holidays as a child in an old house in a very rural area of my home country, no plumbing, we got our water from a well, did our business in the outhouse 😂
I usually went with my dad and his parents so they all helped with us, the children.
I loved it the vast majority of times. Even when we had torrential rain for 3 days straight, we played card games and I cooked with my grandma.

So depending on age, I say still go but ask your parents to get involved. Or, if DH is the one who wanted the holiday there so bad, he can take over.

Emmamoo89 · 04/08/2023 22:29

Ignore the aholes. Stay home and chill

user1471554720 · 04/08/2023 22:29

And it's spelt 'bail'. Bale is a bale of hay.

It is spelled bail.

sheworemellowyellow · 04/08/2023 22:31

given how well your DH gets along with your family, and the great time he’s having there, the only people you’ll piss off by not going are your parents. And presumably they want to see their other grandchild too?

I think you should go for a few days at the end of the holiday to see your parents, let your parents see both their DGC, collect your DH and other child and come home together. Suck it up, but not for a whole week given the impracticality of the place for the little one. Just middle through for three or four days.

GoodVibesHere · 04/08/2023 22:36

I must say, I am intrigued at all this pressure being put on one person, by OP's family and by some posters. Why?

I can't see the benefit in going OP, for you or for them. But I know that if it was me I'd end up going, just to keep them all happy/keep them off my back. Which is a bit crap of me but I'm a wimp and can't be arsed arguing with people or 'putting my case forward'.