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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask opinion of people who have literally walked the mile

64 replies

Toastiesforever · 04/08/2023 14:10

We have booked a villa family holiday for our family next year.
DH parents are coming, and DHs brother was looking to come with his DD (3) also.

For context he has split form his partner for around 2 years, the split was his fault, his partner had no fault in the split, it appears amicable.

They are sharing custody with no formal agreement which seems to be going well although she seems to call most of the shots ( this is only my opinion as someone looking in from the outside)

However it now transpires that ex partner is saying he is only allowed to take daughter for 1 week of the holiday, not 2.

Quietly, I think this is so unfair as their DD is the one who will be missing out spending time with her cousins and I feel like ex partner is being selfish, but, I’m also aware I’ve never walked a mile in her shoes and feel like maybe I need some perspective.

Is she being fair allowing a week?

OP posts:
Menopants · 04/08/2023 14:14

2 weeks is a long time for a 3 year old to be away from their mother. I get it

dreamingbohemian · 04/08/2023 14:16

I also think 1 week is more reasonable for a 3 year old.

And it's none of your business! Don't be so judgy when you don't know anything about it

Lostmyway86 · 04/08/2023 14:17

I've walked it but from the other side as a SM to DSDs who were 3 and 5 when I met them. I think a 2 week holiday at 3 years old away from the other parent is too long. We would never have asked for that at that age and I know my DSDs mum found a week's holiday abroad with us tough. As a mum now to 2 and 4 year olds, I could never be away from them for 2 weeks. So in that respect I understand why she's only saying 1 week.

However if that means others holidays are cut short because of this decision then that does seem a little unfair so I understand all points of views, but I'd probably do the same as her I'm afraid.

DowntonCrabby · 04/08/2023 14:17

Menopants · 04/08/2023 14:14

2 weeks is a long time for a 3 year old to be away from their mother. I get it

This.

I’d have the same opinion of the time away from Dad if custody is 50/50 or Dad was the resident parent.

Original poster
Toastiesforever · 04/08/2023 14:17

dreamingbohemian · 04/08/2023 14:16

I also think 1 week is more reasonable for a 3 year old.

And it's none of your business! Don't be so judgy when you don't know anything about it

Literally think I said this in my
post.

OP posts:
BCCoach · 04/08/2023 14:20

I have literally walked a mile. It’s easy (unless you have a lot of heavy shopping).

hopelessmum1 · 04/08/2023 14:20

You could always try getting to know his ex partner a bit if your family don't mind, as you are co-parenting. It is good that you are aware of her situation and feelings.

WeetabixTowels · 04/08/2023 14:22

Menopants · 04/08/2023 14:14

2 weeks is a long time for a 3 year old to be away from their mother. I get it

This. If she was 6/7 and older I’d think fair enough. But she will miss her mum loads

Original poster
Toastiesforever · 04/08/2023 14:22

hopelessmum1 · 04/08/2023 14:20

You could always try getting to know his ex partner a bit if your family don't mind, as you are co-parenting. It is good that you are aware of her situation and feelings.

Sorry should have said, I’m friendly with both, and would also never get involved with my opinions.

OP posts:
Seryse · 04/08/2023 14:22

I have to agree with the others, if I was the ex I couldn't stand to be away from my kid that long so I do feel like a week is quite fair. At least she didn't give a flat out no and tried to meet in the middle which is good. There also may be other things under the surface behind her reasoning that only her and your hubby's brother know. I do get your point about the wee one missing time with their cousins, maybe try and arrange a play date or outing once you're all back?

Hillstreet · 04/08/2023 14:23

I think a week is a long time for a three year old to be away from their mum and probably wouldn’t even allow that (unless care is 50/50, in which case a week would likely be fine. Or if the dad is primary caregiver, then longer would probably be ok).

Regardless of who’s fault the split was, the little girl’s needs come first.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/08/2023 14:23

As dd gets older maybe she will be staying the 2 weeks? 1 week is more appropriate for a 3 year old to be away from a parent.

Usersooty · 04/08/2023 14:24

A week is a very long time for a 3 year old. I have walked this walk. A week is long enough.

Yellowlegobrick · 04/08/2023 14:24

2 weeks is a LONG time for a 3 year old to be away from their mum, especially if mum is the primary caregiver.

I had to be away from home this long when my eldest was this age (with younger DC seriously ill in hospital). DS got to see me for a short visit in the middle but the separation still had an impact on him for literally about a year after.

Original poster
Toastiesforever · 04/08/2023 14:25

Lostmyway86 · 04/08/2023 14:17

I've walked it but from the other side as a SM to DSDs who were 3 and 5 when I met them. I think a 2 week holiday at 3 years old away from the other parent is too long. We would never have asked for that at that age and I know my DSDs mum found a week's holiday abroad with us tough. As a mum now to 2 and 4 year olds, I could never be away from them for 2 weeks. So in that respect I understand why she's only saying 1 week.

However if that means others holidays are cut short because of this decision then that does seem a little unfair so I understand all points of views, but I'd probably do the same as her I'm afraid.

Yes, as a mum of literally children that age at the moment I couldn’t imagine being away from them for 2 weeks.

But in the flip side, I couldn’t imagine not being allowed to take them a 2 week holiday if we did split up and I wouldn’t not allow their father to take them either.

Its also easy for me since I’m in a happy marriage ( at the moment) and therefor my opinions are based on my feelings right now in the situation I’m in.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2023 14:26

A 3 yo wants to spend time with her mum massively more than her cousins I can guarantee it. It's not unfair on her at all.

The divorce is the thing that's hard on her and you said that's his fault.

Original poster
Toastiesforever · 04/08/2023 14:26

Re the split of custody, it’s hard to tell as it seems really flexible at the moment but I’d probably at a push say it’s 55/45 in the mums favour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastiesforever · 04/08/2023 14:27

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2023 14:26

A 3 yo wants to spend time with her mum massively more than her cousins I can guarantee it. It's not unfair on her at all.

The divorce is the thing that's hard on her and you said that's his fault.

That’s a good way of putting it, I hadn’t thought of it that way, thankyou

OP posts:
Ted43 · 04/08/2023 14:34

I think a week is very fair, it may be the case that his ex has her own holiday plans and can only take a week off herself so wants to do something with her daughter. Weirdly our family had a similar thing this week - my sister's mother in law - quite overbearing at the best of times rang out of the blue and asked could she take my sister's 3 yr old son to America for 3 & a half weeks - now the boy has a relationship with his grandparents which is pretty typical - visits them maybe once every 2-3 weeks with parents that's about it - he doesn't live with them or anything. Anyway the MIL is upset now that she's been told absolutely not by my sister - she simply has no concept of how inappropriate it is to ask to bring the child to America for nearly a month at 3 years old and with no parents.

Fbshe · 04/08/2023 14:43

I was the child in this and I remember being 4 or 5 and all I wanted to do was see my mum because I missed her so much.

melj1213 · 04/08/2023 14:51

Toastiesforever · 04/08/2023 14:25

Yes, as a mum of literally children that age at the moment I couldn’t imagine being away from them for 2 weeks.

But in the flip side, I couldn’t imagine not being allowed to take them a 2 week holiday if we did split up and I wouldn’t not allow their father to take them either.

Its also easy for me since I’m in a happy marriage ( at the moment) and therefor my opinions are based on my feelings right now in the situation I’m in.

Show quote history

Nobody is saying he can never take her for more than a week at a time, just not yet.

There may be any number of reasons why she may not be comfortable with her ex taking their child away for a 2 week trip or it could be something as simple as she can only get certain weeks off work and the holiday falls in that time so she wants to ensure she gets time to have a holiday with her child too.

My DDs dad and I split up when she was little, we were living in Spain at the time and he moved back to the UK. I was more than happy for him to visit us and see her for as long as he liked if he was in our city but I did not want him taking her away from home for more than a week initially. Partly because I didn't want to be away from her for so long but also because it was such a huge change from her normal routine that I wanted to build it up just in case there were issues, especially as she was so small and they don't understand time at that age so a week can seem like forever to them). I preferred that she had a great, but short, trip first and then build that up to longer trips than have her go on a 2 week trip initially and it potentially all go wrong and sour the idea of a holiday with her dad again in future.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/08/2023 14:53

Of course a 3yo should be away from their mum for two weeks!

Tbh I think suggesting taking her away for two weeks is not really acting in the child's interests.

She is not missing out, it's far more important to regularly see her main carer that to see her cousins.

This is just one way life changes when you are separated.

yogasaurus · 04/08/2023 14:53

There’s a lot of factors to consider in a situation like this.

Happiness of their cousins is way, way down that list.

AmazingSnakeHead · 04/08/2023 14:55

My child is that age and I can promise you that he would much rather not spend two weeks away from me than go on a two week holiday. Two weeks is a long time for a kid that age to be on holiday anyway. I would also never consider taking him away from his dad for half a month.

BlossomCloud · 06/08/2023 08:27

It's awful to take a child away from their mother for two weeks. Even 1 week is a long time at 3.

And knowing they are abroad and a plane flight away if anything happens is horrific.

She will be fine with it once the child is older, don't rush it.

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