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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask opinion of people who have literally walked the mile

64 replies

Toastiesforever · 04/08/2023 14:10

We have booked a villa family holiday for our family next year.
DH parents are coming, and DHs brother was looking to come with his DD (3) also.

For context he has split form his partner for around 2 years, the split was his fault, his partner had no fault in the split, it appears amicable.

They are sharing custody with no formal agreement which seems to be going well although she seems to call most of the shots ( this is only my opinion as someone looking in from the outside)

However it now transpires that ex partner is saying he is only allowed to take daughter for 1 week of the holiday, not 2.

Quietly, I think this is so unfair as their DD is the one who will be missing out spending time with her cousins and I feel like ex partner is being selfish, but, I’m also aware I’ve never walked a mile in her shoes and feel like maybe I need some perspective.

Is she being fair allowing a week?

OP posts:
jumpingbean1810 · 06/08/2023 08:38

I became a single parent when daughter was 18mths old, and I wouldn't let her be away for more than a week until she was c. 7-8. This wasn't me being spiteful, it was because as her primary carer she would be desperate to get back home and her routine and what was familiar to her by the end of a week. Advice I read on co parenting was short and frequent contact when they're young building to longer stays and a more regular routine when they're older. Even now at 14 she stays away for longer but gets homesick. She was in tears last Christmas as she was with her paternal family and wanted to be at home. She adores them but home is where her heart is. Since school age she is with her dad every other weekend and c, 3wks holiday a year so 80% of her time is with me.

BellaJuno · 06/08/2023 08:40

Menopants · 04/08/2023 14:14

2 weeks is a long time for a 3 year old to be away from their mother. I get it

Yes this for me. I think it’s a normal request. I’d take her for the second week so she doesn’t feel she’s going home when the others are staying on having fun.

ChampagneBlossom44 · 06/08/2023 08:54

You are being really, really unreasonable. Can’t you put yourself in her shoes, if you & DH broke up would you really be happy with not seeing your kids for a fortnight? Age 3! My husband has 2 & I’d never expected their mum to have OK’d a fortnight away from them when they were that little

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 06/08/2023 09:04

It broke my heart when my daughter first went to stay with her dad for two weeks, but he was still her dad, no matter what he'd done, and I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to restrict their time together in that way.

Choccyp1g · 06/08/2023 09:18

If you all get along with the mum, how about suggesting she swaps with dad and comes on the holiday for the second week?

BlossomCloud · 06/08/2023 09:19

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 06/08/2023 09:04

It broke my heart when my daughter first went to stay with her dad for two weeks, but he was still her dad, no matter what he'd done, and I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to restrict their time together in that way.

It's not about amount of time, it's about the amount of time in one block. I think alternating weeks when they are little is best. building up to longer. That's sensible based on child development.

Workawayxx · 06/08/2023 09:19

I think she’s being reasonable and it’s probably based on what the 3 yo will cope with rather than not wanting to allow her a full holiday. On that basis however they should both agree to limit holidays to just 1 week till ages older. This is what ex and I did with ds.

zingally · 06/08/2023 09:21

2 weeks is a long time for a little one to be away from her primary caregiver, AND in the company of people she won't know very well.

3yos don't have any interest in the whole "spending time with" and "making memories" thing. You are casting adult opinions and desires onto a 3yo and considering the adults desires over the childs.

1 week is more than enough for a 3yo.

TheSandgroper · 06/08/2023 09:22

When I was 3, I went to my dgp’s for a week. Years later, my dm said it shouldn’t have been that long. I did not do well once I was home again.

Blueblell · 06/08/2023 09:31

As everyone is saying - two weeks is too long for a 3 year old. It’s a villa holiday so they can come and go and to be honest a weeks holiday is the norm for most people these days. A week will seem like a long time for kids of that age and plenty of time for them to have fun together.

maryberryslayers · 06/08/2023 09:44

My children are pretty independent but there's no way I'd want my 3yo (or 5yo) to be away from me for more than a week. Neither of my children would want it either, even with their dad and we are married.
Playing with cousins in the sun would be lovely but they'd be pretty unsettled and miss home/mummy come bedtime.
I think she's being quite reasonable allowing a full week at 3yo, let alone 2.

BlossomCloud · 06/08/2023 09:46

You are casting adult opinions and desires onto a 3yo and considering the adults desires over the childs.

Yep

DrLightman · 06/08/2023 09:46

Choccyp1g · 06/08/2023 09:18

If you all get along with the mum, how about suggesting she swaps with dad and comes on the holiday for the second week?

I was going to suggest this, get them to swap over for the second half

WedRine · 06/08/2023 09:55

Yeah it's a long time. Even now at 5 DD would not cope with longer than a week away from me. Tried and tested, it would result in a lot of tears and not having a good time, but at least I was in a position to drive over and pick her up. Children want their mums more than their cousins.

Marblessolveeverything · 06/08/2023 09:59

I have been that mum a week is long enough for children being apart from.

Children need predictability and reassurance that this is temporary holiday not another life change.

Our children were 9+ before they went for longer periods. When they were ready.

SunnyFrost · 06/08/2023 10:15

If my husband broke up our marriage and I was separated from my toddler aged child for half of the time as a result I think I would have just about cracked up. It’s my worst nightmare. For this woman to be managing to co parent with the man who did this and allowing him to take her child away ABROAD for a full week, IMO she needs a medal and all the moral support anyone can muster.

Yes he’s her parent too but honestly, what mother has her babies on the basis that they will be taken from her for half the time through no fault of her own? It’s heartbreaking. The idea that she should put her child through two full weeks away from her because her exes relative thinks it’s better for a three year old to have time with her cousins than her mother….honestly beggars belief. And for someone who would never dream of getting involved with her opinions, you do seem quite invested. Back off and try just for one minute to imagine what a bloody nightmare this woman is living, never mind her poor child.

jumpingbean1810 · 06/08/2023 10:55

DrLightman · 06/08/2023 09:46

I was going to suggest this, get them to swap over for the second half

Show quote history

Don't suggest this, it puts the mum in a v awkward position. I get on really well with my ex's family but want to use my limited holiday allowance for holidays with my own friends and family. I have been to stay with them with daughter for a couple of days but couldn't do a whole week esp if all sharing a holiday home together.

DrLightman · 06/08/2023 11:31

jumpingbean1810 · 06/08/2023 10:55

Don't suggest this, it puts the mum in a v awkward position. I get on really well with my ex's family but want to use my limited holiday allowance for holidays with my own friends and family. I have been to stay with them with daughter for a couple of days but couldn't do a whole week esp if all sharing a holiday home together.

Show quote history

She can say no that doesn't work for me, assuming she's an adult?

It's ok to suggest it

lifehappens12 · 06/08/2023 13:58

I am a step mum and 2 weeks would have been too long for my dsd. At that age we did 4/5 nights max.

She is now 9 and can cope with close to two weeks but still misses her mum.

One thing though - being on holiday has always been better for my dad being away from her mum. More distractions, different environment etc. being at our home seems much harder

Virginsexonthebeachplease · 06/08/2023 14:03

What difference does it make or what we all think. This is between your BIL and his ex. It doesn't matter if you think she's selfish or you don't - not sure why you are asking.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 06/08/2023 14:04

Yes I've walked more than a mile in these shoes, yes you are being unreasonable to think it's okay for a 3 year old to be away from her Mum for two weeks. Your ex SIL is being perfectly reasonable and accommodating by allowing her to go for one week.

Rainbowshit · 06/08/2023 14:04

2 weeks is way too long for a 3 year old to be away from her mum. I think even a week will be tough.

You are not considering what's actually best for the child here.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 06/08/2023 14:05

SunnyFrost · 06/08/2023 10:15

If my husband broke up our marriage and I was separated from my toddler aged child for half of the time as a result I think I would have just about cracked up. It’s my worst nightmare. For this woman to be managing to co parent with the man who did this and allowing him to take her child away ABROAD for a full week, IMO she needs a medal and all the moral support anyone can muster.

Yes he’s her parent too but honestly, what mother has her babies on the basis that they will be taken from her for half the time through no fault of her own? It’s heartbreaking. The idea that she should put her child through two full weeks away from her because her exes relative thinks it’s better for a three year old to have time with her cousins than her mother….honestly beggars belief. And for someone who would never dream of getting involved with her opinions, you do seem quite invested. Back off and try just for one minute to imagine what a bloody nightmare this woman is living, never mind her poor child.

Exactly this!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/08/2023 14:07

Just to add a different voice DH used to take our DC to visit his family for 2 weeks or more when they were that age. He is their parent too.

Would the answers be the same if it was the DM taking the child away for 2 weeks?

It’s tough when you are the parent left behind but that is irrelevant. I really think it depends on the individual child and how they will cope.

Moonmelodies · 06/08/2023 14:09

I have literally walked further than a mile.

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