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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask opinion of people who have literally walked the mile

64 replies

Toastiesforever · 04/08/2023 14:10

We have booked a villa family holiday for our family next year.
DH parents are coming, and DHs brother was looking to come with his DD (3) also.

For context he has split form his partner for around 2 years, the split was his fault, his partner had no fault in the split, it appears amicable.

They are sharing custody with no formal agreement which seems to be going well although she seems to call most of the shots ( this is only my opinion as someone looking in from the outside)

However it now transpires that ex partner is saying he is only allowed to take daughter for 1 week of the holiday, not 2.

Quietly, I think this is so unfair as their DD is the one who will be missing out spending time with her cousins and I feel like ex partner is being selfish, but, I’m also aware I’ve never walked a mile in her shoes and feel like maybe I need some perspective.

Is she being fair allowing a week?

OP posts:

BlossomCloud · 06/08/2023 14:11

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/08/2023 14:07

Just to add a different voice DH used to take our DC to visit his family for 2 weeks or more when they were that age. He is their parent too.

Would the answers be the same if it was the DM taking the child away for 2 weeks?

It’s tough when you are the parent left behind but that is irrelevant. I really think it depends on the individual child and how they will cope.

I actually think 2 weeks is a long time for them to be away from either parent at that age.

My ex used to go away for that length of time regularly and the children didn't like it. Smaller stretches are much better for the children and they should be prioritised

BlossomCloud · 06/08/2023 14:11

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/08/2023 14:07

Just to add a different voice DH used to take our DC to visit his family for 2 weeks or more when they were that age. He is their parent too.

Would the answers be the same if it was the DM taking the child away for 2 weeks?

It’s tough when you are the parent left behind but that is irrelevant. I really think it depends on the individual child and how they will cope.

I actually think 2 weeks is a long time for them to be away from either parent at that age.

My ex used to go away for that length of time regularly and the children didn't like it. Smaller stretches are much better for the children and they should be prioritised

FluffyUnicorn84 · 06/08/2023 14:14

"sharing custody" I have no clue here whatsoever but to me it seems like 2 weeks away from the mother, whilst a long time, is fine IF she would normally spend that amount of time away from her father assuming the sharing is roughly equal.

Don't want to go all "Fathers for Justice" on you especially as the split is his fault supposedly

Charrington · 06/08/2023 14:18

Not divorced, but when mine were 3 and 5, there was an option for dh to take them on holiday with his family for a week when I wasn’t available to go. I’d have loved the break tbh but we both knew that they were too little. And that the youngest, in particular was very attached to me. I’ve often thought about that because if we had split up, the dc would have been going between us. We were both their parents but at that point we had different relationships with them and weren’t just interchangeable cogs.

A couple of years makes a huge difference to these kinds of decisions.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/08/2023 14:20

BlossomCloud
I think the key thing that we both agree on is that it has to based on what is best for the child.

It might be that for this child a max of 1 week away from either parent is right.

Some of the posts are focussing understandably on how hard it is for the DM but that isn’t relevant for me because it would be hard for the DDad too if the position is reversed. The only one who matters is the child.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 06/08/2023 14:27

What’s the longest the 3yo has been away with her Dad without seeing mum in the past? If she regularly spends over a week away from her mum in dad’s care I can see your point of view, but if usually she is only spending a few days at a time away I can see why her mum would think two weeks is too long. If she’s never been away with her dad for more than a few days then it will be better for the 3yo to only try a week away with her family, if she loves it then it’s ended on a high and if she does start to get homesick hopefully it’ll only be for a day or two towards the me of the week. If you push for 2 weeks and then find that she ends up miserable and missing her mum after a few days then her overwhelming memory of the holiday will be of being anxious and homesick and it may make her less likely to want to go on future holidays. If she copes with the week away with no issues then maybe next year her mum will be willing to consider 10 days or even the two weeks, but I can see why she would be cautious about the 2 weeks if the child doesn’t regularly go away for long periods with her dad only.

Puncturedbicycle85 · 06/08/2023 14:35

SunnyFrost · 06/08/2023 10:15

If my husband broke up our marriage and I was separated from my toddler aged child for half of the time as a result I think I would have just about cracked up. It’s my worst nightmare. For this woman to be managing to co parent with the man who did this and allowing him to take her child away ABROAD for a full week, IMO she needs a medal and all the moral support anyone can muster.

Yes he’s her parent too but honestly, what mother has her babies on the basis that they will be taken from her for half the time through no fault of her own? It’s heartbreaking. The idea that she should put her child through two full weeks away from her because her exes relative thinks it’s better for a three year old to have time with her cousins than her mother….honestly beggars belief. And for someone who would never dream of getting involved with her opinions, you do seem quite invested. Back off and try just for one minute to imagine what a bloody nightmare this woman is living, never mind her poor child.

You do realise that a child has two parents right? It’s sad that many relationships break down but the idea that someone deserves a medal for agreeing to 50/50 custody is ridiculous (it should be the norm). Mums don’t have a monopoly and dads have an equal right to see their children post-separation, regardless of who was at fault in the breakup.

This is a near 50/50 arrangement so the mum is not the primary cater and doesn’t get to dictate, although 2 weeks may well be on the long side for this particular child.

HalloumiLuvver · 06/08/2023 15:39

Yes, as a mum of literally children that age at the moment I couldn’t imagine being away from them for 2 weeks.

Well, there you go. You've answered your own question. It didn't need to go any further than this surely.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 06/08/2023 20:31

BlossomCloud · 06/08/2023 09:19

It's not about amount of time, it's about the amount of time in one block. I think alternating weeks when they are little is best. building up to longer. That's sensible based on child development.

Show quote history

I disagree. Sure, if the kid never sees her dad, then two weeks might be too long for a first visit. But most dads are perfectly capable of taking care of their young children, just as well as their mum is.

BlossomCloud · 06/08/2023 20:42

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 06/08/2023 20:31

Show quote history

It has nothing to do with the capability of the parent. Most child care professionals are capable of looking after a child. It's not about capability it's about their attachment to their mother.

Going for two weeks is putting the dad's needs or wants ahead of the child's.

Better they don't go long gaps away from either parent at that age if possible.

It's surprising how few people seem to remember how long time feels when you are 3.

Original poster

Toastiesforever · 07/08/2023 13:24

HalloumiLuvver · 06/08/2023 15:39

Yes, as a mum of literally children that age at the moment I couldn’t imagine being away from them for 2 weeks.

Well, there you go. You've answered your own question. It didn't need to go any further than this surely.

You missed out my next paragraph which is needed for context really....

OP posts:

Original poster

Toastiesforever · 07/08/2023 13:27

Most of you have been really helpful actually and have definitely made me think more and reconsider my opinion which was the aim of this thread, to make me look at other perspectives.

I have the upmost respect for the mum and her feelings therefor whilst i initially did have an opinion its not one i would ever share to her ( or the dad) or comment on.

A small majority of you are pretty rude and sometimes it might be helpful to think about what your saying and read my OP instead of making one lined harsh comments.

OP posts:

devildeepbluesea · 07/08/2023 13:28

DowntonCrabby · 04/08/2023 14:17

This.

I’d have the same opinion of the time away from Dad if custody is 50/50 or Dad was the resident parent.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree. I coparent DD10 with ExDH very amicably and have done since she was 4. We have both taken her away on hols but never for more than a week. I wouldn’t be too keen on it even now.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/08/2023 20:57

BlossomCloud · 06/08/2023 20:42

It has nothing to do with the capability of the parent. Most child care professionals are capable of looking after a child. It's not about capability it's about their attachment to their mother.

Going for two weeks is putting the dad's needs or wants ahead of the child's.

Better they don't go long gaps away from either parent at that age if possible.

It's surprising how few people seem to remember how long time feels when you are 3.

Show quote history

As I said, I disagree. Are you a single parent? Would you take your child away for more than a week? For single parents, and children of separated parents, this is reality and they manage just fine.

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