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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Crushing child’s spirit’ to prevent bullying?

74 replies

Amim · 04/08/2023 10:24

If your child wants to do something but you know it’ll lead to teasing from other kids. What do you do?

Me and DH disagree.

This isn’t the exact situation but similar. Imagine it’s dress up day at school for all years, and your year 5 wants to dress up as a princess.

DH thinks you let her do what she wants and not kill her spirit - I see the reasoning totally.

However, I think that kids are cruel and it’s better to not give ammunition for it and instead tell DD that it may be seen as a bit babyish and push her to go for something more subtle instead.

What is the best approach?
YABU - DH is right
YANBU - I’m right

Totally open to changing my opinion btw!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/08/2023 10:25

Nobody should have to change who they are to please others. Let her enjoy being herself!

2reefsin30knots · 04/08/2023 10:27

Depends on the DC. If they are super confident and will either 'pull it off' or just not care, totally fine. If they are fragile and would be upset by other kids' commenting, then guide to something more mainstream, I would say.

Aaarghthepancakes · 04/08/2023 10:27

At Year 5 they are, what, 9 or 10. I imagine there'll still be a fair few princesses. I'd let her wear what she wants.

babbscrabbs · 04/08/2023 10:27

Do you want your child to follow the crowd or be their true self?

That's your answer.

Better to boost their self esteem and tell them not to care what others think

BarnacleBeasley · 04/08/2023 10:28

Sirzy · 04/08/2023 10:25

Nobody should have to change who they are to please others. Let her enjoy being herself!

Isn't the point that she might actually not enjoy it as much as she thinks she's going to?

I think in this scenario I would not 'push' her to do anything, but I would talk to her about her choice, ask what she thought her friends would be dressing up as, whether any of the other kids liked princesses, whether she'd mind if she was the only one. Not in a negative way, more just entering into the enthusiasm, exploring all the possibilities, etc. Then she'd be prepared for how other kids might react, and might choose to do it anyway or change her mind.

BadlydoneHelen · 04/08/2023 10:31

In my opinion, year 5 there will not be any other princesses for a dress up day: ours are either in football shirt and denim shorts/ jeans or weekend casual wear with a sprinkling of designer items

Elisheva · 04/08/2023 10:32

I would say that she can wear whatever she wants. I would then discuss what other kids might think/say and why they might do that, and talk about ways that she could cope with and respond to that.

Original poster
Amim · 04/08/2023 10:32

Thanks for opinions! DD is quite shy. Which is my worry as she’s been teased by a group of girls in her class in the past and it really upset her. I definitely don’t want to turn her into the sheep but also hate seeing her upset when the mean girls are horrible 😔

OP posts:
BadlydoneHelen · 04/08/2023 10:32

I also agree that some children could style it out and not care about being different but others I might try and steer them towards a less 'stand out' style choice

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/08/2023 10:34

Since when has dressing up as a princess at 9 or 10 been childish? She is a child!

GolgafrinchamB · 04/08/2023 10:36

If you chime in to prevent her wearing the dress, won’t she lump you in with the people who judge her and think she should change?

How about “I think that might be uncomfortable for a full day, kind of scratchy and in the way. How about taking something more comfy to change into if you need it?”

AutumnalPumpkin · 04/08/2023 10:37

I would say let her do whatever she truly wants to do. Have a chat with her about how other children can be unkind, and some are not so accepting as others.
If she understands the potential "risks" (sad that there are even any risks at all, kids can be cruel) and still wants to do it then go ahead.
X

Alargeoneplease89 · 04/08/2023 10:39

I think its her choice, I'm assuming she picks her daily outfits. I don't think conforming to other girls ideology of how to dress is a good thing. My DD11 wore a princess style dress for her leavers and other girls had mini dresses and high heels - they equally loved each others dresses.
Encouraging your daughter to be happy with her choice and not bow to others is the important thing.

handmademitlove · 04/08/2023 10:40

Perhaps work on resilience and how to manage the situation when others are unkind - this will equip her better than trying to avoid teasing in the first place. At some point you can't shield them from unkindness but you can teach them how to manage it.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/08/2023 10:41

Is your dd very confident or oblivious if she turned up looking very different to her peers? In those cases I would plough ahead - especially if it's not a Disney costume which is worn by a more specific narrower age span.
If it's a mufti day then I would encourage normal weekend clothes rather than dressing up. If she's shy, that won't attract attention that she may not like.

Saoirse82 · 04/08/2023 10:42

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/08/2023 10:34

Since when has dressing up as a princess at 9 or 10 been childish? She is a child!

Usually children have grown out of the Princess stage at that age. The 10 year old girls I know (2 neices) are way past that stage. I was at that age too. It's the same with boys and super hero's, they've normally left that behind age 7. It's fine if they haven't imo, I'm just saying most children have grown out of princesses and super hero's by that age.

I understand your worries OP. I'm all for encouraging a child to be themselves but if girls have already been cruel and she's a sensitive little thing I think I'd be gently nudging her towards something else.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/08/2023 10:42

If it's an annual event then you have the chance to ask her what people wore last year which might bring some inspiration.

SheRaaaaa · 04/08/2023 10:43

BadlydoneHelen · 04/08/2023 10:31

In my opinion, year 5 there will not be any other princesses for a dress up day: ours are either in football shirt and denim shorts/ jeans or weekend casual wear with a sprinkling of designer items

That makes me sad for those children.

RhosynBach · 04/08/2023 10:45

It is quite likely that there wouldn’t be any other princesses in year 5. I think I would explain this to dd and let her make her own choice. Tell her she looks lovely but to be aware she might be the only one and sometimes kids can be mean. It’s her choice to make

WandaWonder · 04/08/2023 10:46

I would leave her alone

Echobelly · 04/08/2023 10:46

That doesn't sound especially like something that would stick out? And if there are 'mean girls' in the group, they'd probably say something whatever she wears.

I've always said to my kids that a sign of a maturity to like what you like and not worry if it's 'babyish', it tends to be the more emotionally immature kids, IMO, who rush to seem 'grown up' and those who are more self-possessed who can own their interests.

May discuss some grey rock type answers to any snippy comment: 'OK, that's what you think', 'It's only dress up' etc

Cucucucu · 04/08/2023 10:50

All your husband and anyone who does this is doing is telling your daughter she should submitting to what others want . Let the kid go as she pleases

Mummysatthebodyshop · 04/08/2023 10:52

Why on earth would you teach her that other people's opinions matter more than her own at this age

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/08/2023 10:52

Saoirse82 · Today 10:42
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 10:34

Since when has dressing up as a princess at 9 or 10 been childish? She is a child!
Usually children have grown out of the Princess stage at that age. The 10 year old girls I know (2 neices) are way past that stage. I was at that age too. It's the same with boys and super hero's, they've normally left that behind age 7. It's fine if they haven't imo, I'm just saying most children have grown out of princesses and super hero's by that age.”

Ours didn’t. Both well adjusted adults now. Children are forced to grow up too soon now.

graygoose · 04/08/2023 10:57

I went school with a brilliant girl who was bullied mercilessly for being different (she really wasn't that different, just clever and alternative). The cool kids tortured her and I remember her mother's advice was basically to stop being herself and try to blend in more so she didn't get picked on. She has remembered this advice to this day and resents her mother for not supporting her in being herself. And she was tortured anyway.

If DD is given a hard time over this she will decide for herself whether she wants to fit to avoid mean comments or be herself because she doesn't care. That's her decision to make at this stage, and if you try to make it for her she could resent you for it.