Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

‘Crushing child’s spirit’ to prevent bullying?

74 replies

Amim · 04/08/2023 10:24

If your child wants to do something but you know it’ll lead to teasing from other kids. What do you do?

Me and DH disagree.

This isn’t the exact situation but similar. Imagine it’s dress up day at school for all years, and your year 5 wants to dress up as a princess.

DH thinks you let her do what she wants and not kill her spirit - I see the reasoning totally.

However, I think that kids are cruel and it’s better to not give ammunition for it and instead tell DD that it may be seen as a bit babyish and push her to go for something more subtle instead.

What is the best approach?
YABU - DH is right
YANBU - I’m right

Totally open to changing my opinion btw!

OP posts:

electriclight · 04/08/2023 11:59

It depends on the child's character and what exactly they want to do.

It's a parent's job to guide and advise their child, it's how they learn.

As a teacher I remember several children turning up for non-uniform days in highly unusual outfits. Some of them loved the attention. Some of them could handle the attention and didn't really care what anyone else thought. Some of them would have been better choosing to wear something else. Are you crushing her spirit or saving her from many years of being 'the girl who wore a flamenco dress' (or whatever)? Will adult dd thank you for freeing her spirit or ask why you didn't stop her?

Onlyonedog · 04/08/2023 12:09

Aw its such a shame but certainly no yr 5s at our school would do that kind of costume for dress up day, they would consider it far too baby-ish. It's really sad as obviously they're still so young, but it's true. I would explain it to DC as they can wear whatever they want but prepare them that other kids may be mean, leave the final decision to them with the knowledge of what will (very likely) happen.

MansfieldLark · 04/08/2023 12:16

No yr 5 girls at my ds school would have worn a princess dress. As horrible as it is, girl's (and boys) do take the piss at that age. I'd try and guide her into not doing it. It's like sending a yr 7 to senior school believing in Santa.

RattleRattle · 04/08/2023 12:18

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

unihornandrainhoes · 04/08/2023 12:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

caringcarer · 04/08/2023 12:37

Let your DD be a princess for a day. Buy her a tiara.

itsmyp4rty · 04/08/2023 12:40

If my Yr 5 wanted to dress up as princess and was completely oblivious to the fact that this was going to be completely socially unacceptable at her age (unfortunately!) and had also had a lot of social issues previously I would be wondering if she may be ND. I say this down to my own experiences with my ds and his cousin having ASD.

Nittersing · 04/08/2023 12:53

We had 4 Princess Peaches last year ...all in yr5-6. If you go for the live action or older audience princesses I'm sure it will fit right in.

That said, Bluey is all the rage for teen party themes here atm so if she wants a disney princess I'd just say go for it.

RattleRattle · 04/08/2023 13:18

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

Workawayxx · 04/08/2023 13:37

I'd let her do it. My DS was always quite sensitive about being teased/laughed at, when he was younger. He has become more resilient since he was about 10/11 - it seemed to start with taking some moisturiser to Y6 residential and getting teased a bit and he was like "I don't care, I want to use my moisturiser!". I didn't think the final straw for him would be over moisturiser I must admit! I'd give your DD the chance to brush off any teasing as she may be older now and more able to be more resilient. If there's an issue it gives you the opportunity to practice/model with her what she could say in those situations.

Snowtrails · 04/08/2023 13:42

Usually children have grown out of the Princess stage at that age. The 10 year old girls I know (2 neices) are way past that stage. I was at that age too. It's the same with boys and super hero's, they've normally left that behind age 7

I think that depends on your culture and the times we live in

Snowtrails · 04/08/2023 13:43

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

And that includes those children who would tease someone dressed up as a princess.

MargaretThursday · 04/08/2023 13:56

There is no right or wrong answer.
What might be right for one child might be wrong for another.
What is right one time might be wrong another.

I've talked to people who felt that their parents were too hung up on what the outward appearance was like and stifled them, and just as many who feel betrayed by their parents when they didn't warn them that something was likely to get a particular reaction.

One of mine doesn't care what others say. They've been the only dc wearing a particular item of school uniform for much of the last 5 years. Comment on it to them, and you'll get a shrug and a comment about being comfortable. However they loathed any dressing up days at school with a passion-even wear red for red nose day. The other two loved dressing up days.
One of mine likes to fit in up to a point. Doesn't like being an odd one out, and doesn't like comments on it, but will make a decision whether what they want is worth the comments.
The other can't cope with comments and will try and fit in.

I would just tell them that they may get a nasty reaction from others, and then let them choose.

VictoriaVenkman · 04/08/2023 14:14

2reefsin30knots · 04/08/2023 10:27

Depends on the DC. If they are super confident and will either 'pull it off' or just not care, totally fine. If they are fragile and would be upset by other kids' commenting, then guide to something more mainstream, I would say.

Agree

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 06/08/2023 20:29

Encourage her to be confident within herself, to be who she is, without fear of judgement. I wish I’d learned that lesson as a child. But I hope that my own children learned it and are better off for it now.

Moccasin · 06/08/2023 20:56

Yes that’s tough. Cos it’s probably not that she “doesn’t care what they think” or “she can rock it anyway”, it sounds more likely she’s not even aware she’d be open to being laughed at or picked on because of it.
I know you said that dressing as a princess isn’t the actual thing, but rather telling her not to dress as a princess, could you try “why don’t you dress as XYZ, I bet that’d look really cool!” then try and come up with a tempting alternative?
^That or let her embrace this last bit of childhood innocence and let her dress as a princess and hope that nobody takes the piss.

Orangello · 06/08/2023 21:41

OP says This isn’t the exact situation but similar. so people maybe shouldn't be so hung up on princesses.

I would let her do what she wants. Would also explain that some other kids might not react positively, and how to deal with it.

Normalweirdo · 06/08/2023 23:56

I've not see the movie but is barbie princess trending just now?

bellsandwhistles333 · 07/08/2023 00:00

Omg we had this when SS was 10/11 he cut his hair into a shaved up do kind of style and we were concerned others would say things but he loved it and just ignored any hate... he also found one if his dads old jackets kind of military style wanted to wear it to school, again we thought oh god it's so different but he wore it for months!

On the flip side my SD was 12 and dyed natural honey blonde hair a brighter platinum blonde (mum did it!) and it looked amazing she looked so grown up etc BUT on first day of school two girls gave her a hard time and she asked to dye it back that night :(

It all depends on you're kid's confidence levels but I'd go with let them try!

Doone21 · 07/08/2023 12:37

I agree that most important is she considers carefully if it's something she can wear all day, will it get hot or uncomfortable, will it get damaged if she plays in it. If she's happy with those let her make her own decisions because bullies will always find something so may as well be yourself at all times anyway

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 12:41

I think you’re pre-empting a problem that probably doesn’t exist.

Let her get on with being herself.

CurlewKate · 07/08/2023 12:48

I would make very sure she understood any issues (it would be easier if you actually said what it was!) then I would think about how damaging I though any repercussions might be, taking into account her personality and friendship group and then decide. She's still young-no need for her to make massive stands yet. Temper the wind to the shorn lamb and all that....

Defiantjazz · 07/08/2023 13:21

Does she have any idea what her friends/ the other children will be wearing?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/08/2023 13:58

Have you ever been around 10 year old girls? If they're in a pack, they'll take the piss out of her if she turns up wearing a Spiderman outfit/Princess Dress and they'll absolutely rip her to pieces if she turns up wearing the same as them. Or they'll find something else instead.

There is no winning with bullies. None at all.

Flip

1 2 3