‘Crushing child’s spirit’ to prevent bullying?

[Amim]

If your child wants to do something but you know it’ll lead to teasing from other kids. What do you do?

Me and DH disagree.

This isn’t the exact situation but similar. Imagine it’s dress up day at school for all years, and your year 5 wants to dress up as a princess.

DH thinks you let her do what she wants and not kill her spirit - I see the reasoning totally.

However, I think that kids are cruel and it’s better to not give ammunition for it and instead tell DD that it may be seen as a bit babyish and push her to go for something more subtle instead.

What is the best approach?
YABU - DH is right
YANBU - I’m right

Totally open to changing my opinion btw!

I would let child do it if I thought it was only slightly leftfield (eg Y5DD wearing princess outfit), but would try and gently steer away if it was more radical (eg if the Y5 child was a boy). If it was a boy for instance I would say it was fine to wear in the house but not practical enough to wear at school, would get torn/damaged, and what about wearing xxxx alternative, that would be so cool, and look I can help you do xxx on top to make it even better....So not crushing, but not letting them do it either.

Kids grow up so soon!

I also think kids are a lot less mean than they were when we grew up. If your DD has friends, they are likely to be on same wavelength so wouldn't laugh at princess outfit etc. Mine is in Y5 and she does think princess outfits are quite naff, but there are definitely a couple who do wear that kind of stuff in her year, and whilst mine wouldn't wear them, none of them would be targetting anyone who does.
Quite frankly, the ones who wear that kind of stuff are seen as a bit babyish anyway based on general behaviour throughout the year, so it's no great surprise to the others and so doesn't make much difference if that makes sense?

Tbh, bullies are gonna bully. It won’t matter what your DD dresses as, they will find a way if she’s their target. Even if she had a costume just like theirs, they have a wide array of choices to still bully her. So she might as well just be unapologetically herself and understand that it doesn’t matter how she dresses or acts or looks, bullies are gonna bully because there is something wrong with them, not something wrong with your DD.

Trying to force a child to be something g they aren’t is likely to lead to an insecure and vulnerable child.

I think it’s actually likely to increase the chances of bullying.

People who enjoy hurting others can spot people insecurities a mile off. They can spot vulnerabilities a mile and off and use them to their own advantage.

You would be far better making sure your child builds confidence in who their are.

This!

I think DD1 (she would probably hate me mentioning it now) dressed up as the (current) Princess of Wales at around the same age at primary school, when they had a dress up day with a royal theme. She had a princess wedding dress type dress up garment anyway and borrowed my actual tiara from when I got married (it wasn't expensive). I doubt anyone would be bullied for that and if they do the school should have a zero tolerance approach to it.

This!

People tend to forget that bullies will find any reason to be mean to a child regardless of what they do or wear because of whatever preconceived notions that they have in their head.

I was bullied for over a decade for ridiculous things being respectful to teachers, liking more than one genre of music, being nice because supposedly treating others how you wanted to be treated offends some, etc. If I had did what bullies would have wanted I wouldn’t have accomplished many of the things I have and be in a much worse position.

I agree with this. It depends on the child.

Her husband is the one who wants her to go in the princess dress.

Is this another typical MN post where automatically the man is wrong?! 😁

So you're not new on here 😃

I think it totally depends on the child. My son wanted a haircut that I disliked and he would have been literally the only child with this haircut at his v posh school. But he wanted it consistently over months, and so he had it done. It actually looked really cute and I was proud of him. He is quite confident though and the boy everyone wants to be friends with etc

For your DD I wonder if you could gently steer her towards a more grown up version of whatever it is? As it sounds like she could be hurt?

I think I would have had an easier time at school if I had been myself (based on the reaction I had when I was myself during the very last non-uniform day)
There is nothing wrong with being a princess at that age, if you’re worried about her peers’ reaction could you help her dress as a historical princess or style it out so her look is inspired by her favourite princess. Pinterest and Instagram will have a lot of inspiration. Any negativity will be from jealousy that they either didn’t do the same or don’t have the confidence, home support or imagination to wear more than T-shirt and jeans

I think there is a middle ground between 'let her be herself' and 'I don't want her to raise her head above the parapet ever'. I would certainly have a breezy chat about what others are doing, enquire as to whether she's likely to feel uncomfortable and/or be picked on and then just let her do whatever feels right for her. I agree we don't give in to bullies but we don't necessarily need to put targets on our backs either. In this example (and I think its just an example) there might be a way to fulfill her desire to go for the Princess look but in a way that's a bit more modern or not full on 4 year old Princess look.

I think there’s middle ground between you and your husband’s view and that your daughter could be helped to find it by chatting some of this through.

One thing that struck me, for instance, is that in most social occasions, there’s an expected dress code. Sometimes it’s explicit (black tie, etc), sometimes you have to work it out by listening to what others are wearing. I guess what I’m saying is that there’s probably value in probing a bit and asking her what her friends are going to wear, and if it’s something very different like jeans and a t shirt, asking her to think how she might feel standing next to them dressed as Glinda the good witch? Proud in her amazing outfit? Or…something more negative? Because my worry would be she hasn’t really thought through how the day might actually go past the actual being ‘allowed’ to wear the outfit.

But maybe she has thought about all this and wants to crack on? In my view, it’s okay to overdress for the dress code, it’s just that you should know and have confidence in the fact that this is what you’re actively doing.

I let mine wear spider man costumes in Yr 6. Some boys were rude them about it .I told them that after primary school that they couldn't dress up in public, because some bigger kids aren't nice.

I would chose a middle ground and explain why she might not want to dress up as a princess and that it’s her choice.

i am however a big believer that it’s better for a few people to love you for who you really are than 100s love you for having to be someone you are not!

I would talk her through the scenarios. For example I might say I thought it was a lovely idea but explain that I have a small worry that it might be considered a little ‘babyish’ and could mead to other children being unkind. Then ask how she might navigate that scenario. She might say she couldn’t care less about it and then I’d let her crack on. If she agreed she’s thought the same I might say would she like to have a spare costume with her or perhaps have the option of changing the costume slightly?

so basically I’d role play the day with her and find a solution if one was needed.

I don't think you can teach the "right" behaviour that will prevent bullying. It doesn't matter, if you're a confident, social kid with friends then you can pull off anything and if you're the awkward loner weirdo then you can wear all the right things and they will still make fun of you. I remember getting a single Nike hoodie and wearing it for every non uniform day in the hopes it would work and magically make me blend in, even though I wanted to wear my fluffy cat jumper which was my favourite. It didn't matter because the clothing I wore for one day didn't undo all the rest of my terminal uncoolness.

Give her information to make a choice for herself, if she really isn't aware and it is an issue. Maybe check around a couple of her friends to see what they are going as. But no, I wouldn't tell her not to wear it. It's unlikely to make a difference and she might as well make herself happy.

The kind of person who bullies will find a reason, no matter what. I have a child who has always been rather eccentric. Loves art and will spend all day painting but can't be arsed with a play station, that kind of kid. She was always bullied at school but we NEVER told her to change or turn it down. She is who she is. She is now at uni where she has finally found her tribe and is happy and confident. We don't bow down to bullies or compromise for them in any way. Doing so teaches children that they are the problem, not the bullies. Don't do that to your DD.

I think by telling her to dress differently to avoid bullying you would be telling her that the bully's opinions are valid.

By all means talk through her outfit and what she wants to wear/what others are wearing, but I wouldn't discourage her. She could go in dressed really 'cool' or whatever and still get bullied for trying to fit in.

She needs to decide for herself, without learning to worry so much about the opinions of others.

She wouldn't enjoy the bullying though would she. It's a balance

I also agree that the best idea would be to work on resilience/assertiveness as imo this is what really helps stop bullying.

Honestly, I would let her be,

I get how uncomfortable that feels, I have a Ds who went to non uniform day At primary school in his 'new schools' uniform as he thought it was ironic.

I desperately wanted him to dress like the other kids but in the end allowed it and it was fine. Not brilliant but fine. He was happy, he was excited about the new school (think prep school for yr 5+6) and nobody bullied him that I know of. Though he said nobody really got the irony, he was 9.