Controversial marriage question

[wedding12341]

Thinking about another thread on here where someone has moved in and had children with their fiancé who has now changed his mind about getting married. Someone on the thread said it is just a small minority of women that are disadvantaged by marriage.

Eg - the woman brings more assets / money to the marriage than the man.

Based on the above

If you were one of these women in the minority (or your friend / daughter was) - Would you advise them not to get married?

I am one of these women. Have my own home (small mortgage), 2 kids (1 an adult) and earn significantly more and have more in assets.

I was married to the kids dad from 20 to 35. Neither of us had much when we married so neither minded joining things financially.

Now I absolutely wouldn’t get married.

Would I advise a friend or my daughter not to get married? Not exactly. If a friend asked my opinion I would give it. If they didn’t I might drop into conversation about looking into the legalities and protecting themselves financially.

I have brought my daughter up (the adult) to not look at marriage through a romantic view only. That’s my issue with marriage. People think it’s a romantic commitment first and it’s not. It a legal and financial commitment first and foremost. And ‘but we are in love’ can cause you a world of pain down the road.

It always shocks me when women (on Mn and in RL) are the main earners or came into marriage with far more in assets and now heading for divorce that seem completely oblivious to the fact that getting married meant their husband/wife could walk a way with a big chunk of those assets.

ideally I would love to see anyone who wants to get married, have to seek to get financial and legal advice before marriage.

Though that doesn’t help the many women who don’t get married, damage their careers to take main responsibility for the kids, move into a house they don’t have their name on them get dumped.

I think parents who don’t teach their kids about these sorts of things are massively letting their kids down

I was 8 years younger but earning much more than him when we married. When we divorced I was earning even more with unlimited potential.

He was awarded way more than me in court settlement but also played the game cut back on work and ran up debts in the run up.

I kept being told how unusual it was to be main earner (female) AND main carer of children.

I would not advise or get married again unless my future partner was earning WAY more than me / had assets and was clear as can be that he wouldn’t be after mine.

Only benefit I see to wealthy female getting married is pension sharing upon death.

Not very romantic…

Does he have any redeeming features? I’m imagining a part-timer moping around, doing fuck all, with the ‘dressing gown stoop’.

Fair enough, i was just all in. But i owned nothing. I could just afford more. He paid for the majority of the house in the end bc his parents died so he got a lump. So it all evened out. But i suppose my point is, i ( personally) wouldn't be with someone if i was suspicious of their motives. Easy to say i know, and maybe naieve (sp?) but there you go, that's just me.

Hmmm my sister was in this situation. She was older and (much) higher earning when they met. Her now DH was still a student while she was established in her career and had a house. However, her DH's family is asset-rich and they knew that in due course he would likely inherit a pile. His family basically insisted on a prenup to protect his family assets. It was quite hurtful actually. Sister then decided to keep her house fully in her name, as security. It was all a bit unusual to us, as our parents have always shared absolutely all finances jointly.

They married because they wanted children - and also to make the public commitment.

Now he is flying in his career and earns more than her and climbing. He has just inherited the first chunk of stuff.

It has worked out OK so far as (a) they remain happy in the marriage and (b) even though he is now significantly richer, she has still earned/saved enough to be secure in her independence. And (c) he is a good guy!

I guess the other positive was that it forced them to talk about all this stuff pre-marriage.

He works full time and works hard. He's in the 40% tax bracket. But he doesn't earn as much as I do.

He has a house he has rented out, and he pays more than CMS maintenance for his kids. They are 18 and 16 - his eldest is about to go to uni and thanks to the fact that he lives with me, he will be able to continue to support them at university.

I guess I'm 'that women'. I earn nearly double what my DH does. My house is also worth nearly three times my DH. I have far more than he does.

However, before we married we both agreed we would keep the assets we had prior to marriage. I know it was only a verbal agreement (followed up on a WhatsApp message) but I'd like to think we would agree with it.

Plus I genuinely feel we won't divorce. People give up far too easily these days. Life isn't always perfect but you should want to work together.

I didn't give up too easily. He cheated. I hate that narrative. How was i supposed to "work harder" at it?

I am in this position and did get married. The marriage is all working out ok fortunately but no, I think it was actually a bad move financially for me if we were to split up so I wouldn’t recommend for my daughter if she was in same position.

@Pressthespacebar
I think many mature adults become engaged solely for the ease of describing their relationship. I think many , men particularly, never have the intention of marrying. T think an equal number probably refer to their partner as a fiance or fiancee when marriage or engagement has never been a consideration, again, it is done for ease of describing the relationship to others.

I wish people wouldn’t come out with stuff like this.

Very few people get divorced on a whim. Most also don’t think they will get divorced.

What people do is not tell everyone about the whole reason they have got divorced. They won’t go into the years of general unhappiness, the million different things that led up to divorce.

It’s so condescending to say people get divorced because they just don’t try hard enough. And pointless. Divorce is an I redo my long process to go through. You wouldn’t go through it unless you really felt it was the best and only option.

Also, separating changes people and causes a lot of anger and resentment. Betting your financial future on a verbal agreement and a whats app is laughable. It may not even be his decision. If all you have is a message and a verbal agreement your assets are not protected in most countries (maybe all). Especially if you marriage is a long one.

Wow.

Just wow.

I had no idea he was unhappy. He was shagging a woman from work. I didn't know he wasn't happy. As far as I was concerned we were happy, he worked late but I thought it was overtime not shagging time.

I can't believe you're victim blaming me.

I’m an high earner and earn 4-5x more than my husband, we married for love and my earnings honestly never came into it. We’ve been together since we were teenagers, though, and he brings value in many, many other ways.
If we were to divorce, I wouldn’t begrudge him a penny - everything we have we’ve built together.

But that’s not the same situation to what the Op is saying. Because you didn’t have anything when you got together.

Haha 😆 what if your perfect husband leaves you? You're really relying on a verbal agreement that he won't take your assets? That's just ridiculous. No one thinks they'll get divorced until they do and almost always people are surprised that things get ugly when it comes to financial settlements

Firstly the perfect marriage doesn’t exist. Cheating still isn’t ok. You don’t have a perfect marriage….is your husband cheating and if he is, are you to blame!l!

Secondly, that’s a really awful thing you posted.

People who are blissfully happy in their lives do not come to the internet and try and make out their marriage is just better than others. That’s the behaviour of someone who is insecure about themselves and their marriage who are trying to convince themselves that they and their marriage is just better.

Sticking it out in a marriage that isn’t working, isn’t a superior moral choice.

Yours posts have a ‘we aren’t like other couples’ whiff about them.

I would advise any person, with a lot of assets, man or woman to be careful about who they married. If that person was financially in a better position - I would tell them to consider a pre - nup. While not legally binding here in U.K. it does demonstrate intention.

You should be truly ashamed for this comment @Dinoswearunderpants.

Fucking hell.

There but for the grace of god go you, and all that…

Cannot believe I’m reading posts from modern women that are actually blaming the women who have left cheating partners because they somehow didn’t try hard enough, or insinuating it’s the women’s fault they were cheated on.

“My Mick would never do that to me…”

Yeah, we’ll see.

I'm actually so upset that you said that to me @Dinoswearunderpants it's one of the most horrible things I have ever read on here.

I certainly don't think my marriage was perfect - no one's is. But I had nothing to do with him cheating. That's on him, not me.

I don’t blame you for being upset. I’ll get my post deleted for this but that poster made themselves look a total cunt with that comment.

I'm one of those women and no, I wouldn't marry. I built all my assets on my own (they're not much, but I own my own property and have savings I want to keep for myself).

Personally I think marriage should be abolished completely, and society better set up to expect and support equal parenting between men and women (universal free childcare, general messaging and education about men doing their fair share, more state financial support for the early years of parenting, greater flexibility in workplaces etc). I don't think it's men's duty to financially subsidise women. Marriage harks back to a time when women were forbidden from having their own money and had no choice in the matter, and to me it's inherently patriarchal. On a purely romantic level, I actually do feel like my partner is a life partner and the idea of being married is quite nice in some ways but when I think about it deeply I know I'd never be able to bring myself to do it. It would feel like a lifelong vegan being force-fed steak.

I think women (well, everyone) should be encouraged from childhood to see their financial wellbeing as their own responsibility and no one else's, and to prioritise working towards that. I'm not from a privileged background and my parents don't have a penny to their name. I knew there'd never be any financial help or inheritance coming my way so I set out to achieve financial independence after realising that fannying about in a badly paid media job wouldn't ever give me the money I needed.

My partner earns less than me but has a massive inheritance coming his way, so he doesn't need my meagre assets. Even if he didn't have rich parents and a safety net I don't see that it's my responsibility to ensure his financial wellbeing. He's perfectly capable of doing that himself. We don't want kids, which if we did would admittedly be something of a complication and something we'd have to discuss, because we don't live in the utopian socialist society I wish we had. But as we have no desire for them, that's that difficulty off the table.

I'm the same as some other pp: married relatively young, out earned DH for a while then he was the sole earner during my mat leave, then i went back and out-earned him. We've been together a long long time and although i have put in more in terms of savings and earnings, he has put in an equal amount or more of the day-to-day stuff of living together, being a partner and having children.

Should it go pear shaped, I'll go for a 50/50 split because that is fair.

I was and am one of those women, I am also married. I don't see why men with more assets should be expected to marry and share with a spouse but women are told not to.

Frankly? i tell people with large difference in assets to get legal advice if they decide to marry. If it's going to be a 2nd marriage and either partner - regardless of differences in assets - i tell them to get legal advice to ring fence those DCs inheritance, such as it may be.

But. If they are together and not married and have children? I always tell the one who had the children - the woman - to get married. Preferably before the birth.

I can't believe they said that to me.

I didn't have anything to do with my ex cheating.

I thought we were happy.

I thought he was working overtime. Evenings and weekends. Or going out with his buddies to play golf (oh what a fucking cliche)

I never ever ever thought my marriage was perfect, but I did not ever think he would cheat.

FFS.