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AIBU?

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Original poster

Controversial marriage question

385 replies

wedding12341 · 04/08/2023 09:45

Thinking about another thread on here where someone has moved in and had children with their fiancé who has now changed his mind about getting married. Someone on the thread said it is just a small minority of women that are disadvantaged by marriage.

Eg - the woman brings more assets / money to the marriage than the man.

Based on the above

If you were one of these women in the minority (or your friend / daughter was) - Would you advise them not to get married?

OP posts:
greydressinggownofdoom · 04/08/2023 11:09

Doinst · 04/08/2023 11:06

Presumably he has some other qualities though?

I think if someone is in the situation where they're thinking "I won't marry this guy because I think he's a lazy scrounger who offers nothing but will take half my assets on divorce" that's a pretty hefty question mark over the relationship as a whole.

Show quote history

I won't marry this guy because I earn 3 times what he does and I have a better life insurance and pension provision and a house I own outright and I don't want that to go anywhere except my kids. I won't marry him because I don't want him to take half of my assets on divorce.

The only thing he isn't in paragraph you wrote is that he isn't a lazy scrounger.

HiHoHiHoltsOffToWorkWeGo · 04/08/2023 11:10

I am - due to an inheritance - significantly wealthier than my partner. We don't intend to have children.

For those reasons, I have no intention of marrying - my family members who left me money would be turning in their graves if I lost a lot of their money in a divorce settlement.

greydressinggownofdoom · 04/08/2023 11:10

Babdoc · 04/08/2023 11:05

Marriage is meant to be a total partnership between two equals, for life.

The vows made in the presence of God at the start include “With all my worldly goods I thee endow”, and refer to the couple becoming one flesh.
If anyone - male or female - is planning how to avoid sharing their assets, or to sequester them in the event of a divorce, then they really should not be getting married in the first place. They obviously don’t intend to commit to a marriage, merely a sexual relationship for their own benefit, of debatable duration.

I don't think if it's a registry office marriage you're making vows in the presence of God to be fair?

Jobalob · 04/08/2023 11:11

We went into the marriage earning similar. We both had a property and we sold them and bought a house. We had children and everything was equal. His earnings went through the roof and then he died. I was left a serious amount of money and a mortgage free home. Hell would blow over before I would risk that. It’s my children’s future. I have a partner I adore.

i would like to be married again but unless I can make my financial arrangements to protect myself and my children 💯 which I can’t I’ll never marry again,

AdoraBell · 04/08/2023 11:12

Personally I didn’t want to have children without being married. I don’t judge women who have children without being married.

Advice to my DDs would depend on their circumstances. If, like QueenOfTheNimbleFylingCat said they are financially independent I wouldn’t tell them to be married.

WannaBeRecluse · 04/08/2023 11:12

Jobalob · 04/08/2023 11:11

We went into the marriage earning similar. We both had a property and we sold them and bought a house. We had children and everything was equal. His earnings went through the roof and then he died. I was left a serious amount of money and a mortgage free home. Hell would blow over before I would risk that. It’s my children’s future. I have a partner I adore.

i would like to be married again but unless I can make my financial arrangements to protect myself and my children 💯 which I can’t I’ll never marry again,

This is exactly how my life would look if DH passed. Sorry for your loss. You must miss him a lot. I'll never remarry to protect my children's future in that position as I would also inherit.

peachgreen · 04/08/2023 11:13

If I were to marry again I would ring-fence the current equity percentage in the house for DD (because it was DH's death in service which bought most of it!) with DP having the right to remain in the house until his death but DD inheriting that ring-fenced portion + half of what the rest of the equity was on my death. To be honest I would hope DP would leave her his portion too but that's beside the point.

Everything else I would be happy to share equally, even though I am the higher earner by quite some margin. I would expect him to do the same if he becomes the higher earner. We facilitate each other's lives – it's easier for me to be a higher earner because he helps with DD etc.

HeadNorth · 04/08/2023 11:16

I think it depends on age and stage in life. I met my DH when we were both young and penniless, so we have built a life together and anything we have (not much!) is very much a result of our joint endeavours.

If you are older and have assets and/or children, I would think very carefully about marriage.

Ohmygiddyauntie · 04/08/2023 11:16

Babdoc · 04/08/2023 11:05

Marriage is meant to be a total partnership between two equals, for life.

The vows made in the presence of God at the start include “With all my worldly goods I thee endow”, and refer to the couple becoming one flesh.
If anyone - male or female - is planning how to avoid sharing their assets, or to sequester them in the event of a divorce, then they really should not be getting married in the first place. They obviously don’t intend to commit to a marriage, merely a sexual relationship for their own benefit, of debatable duration.

Agreed. Furthermore, people now push co-habitation which is inherently unstable.
90% of all cohabitation relationships fail. Foolish advice not to marry.

Giveover80 · 04/08/2023 11:17

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Giveover80 · 04/08/2023 11:17

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Theeyeballsinthesky · 04/08/2023 11:19

I was the higher earner & home owner when I married DH. Since then he now out earns me. Our current property is jointly owned. We have no children

i married him because I loved him, I trusted him & because I worked on the basis that marriage was for life as did he

i might prove to be wrong in the long run but after 20 years it’s looking good so far

HollyB85 · 04/08/2023 11:21

In this is instance I think it's fine to get married. In the modern day it really shouldn't matter who brings the most money to the table. And if in your mind, you think about it that way with your partner, then that is a strong indicator that you're not marrying without worry.

When you marry, money shouldn't be a motivator in that decision, whether you're brining the most money, or they are.

Original poster
wedding12341 · 04/08/2023 11:22

UndercoverCop · 04/08/2023 10:45

I was and am one of those women, I am also married. I don't see why men with more assets should be expected to marry and share with a spouse but women are told not to.
My husband works bloody hard has retrained in a new career and has doubled his earnings with more potential for progression. I still out earn him and maybe always will. He's also a hands on partner and father which MN doesn't expect so I think sometimes colours responses

Yes this is why I posted it as a controversial question. As like you say - the standard is that the higher earning man (more often than not) is mean for not marrying and therefore protecting the wife financially.

It's an odd one to square in my mind. I think that's partly because it tends to be the woman that uses maternity and doesn't go back full time / sacrificing career when children come along.

It doesn't seem fair to have a different view depending on man or woman though.

OP posts:
WWYDIYWMRN · 04/08/2023 11:23

I probably wouldn't get married to my partner. I have a decent pension etc and he has none. I have DC from a past relationship and current one and would hate to see the older ones lose out.

I would advise the same to anyone in my situation. Different if no other children are involved though

Ohmygiddyauntie · 04/08/2023 11:24

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I am confident in the stats surrounding co-habitation. The reason why people demand equality in the eyes of the law is to safeguard their assets and earnings. Being hesitant and not fully committed to a relationship is not a true commitment.
People blame marriage when in actual fact divorce is the cause of financial hardship post-split.

cherry2727 · 04/08/2023 11:27

Mumsnet really isn't a true reflection of real life and seem to be heavily biased towards women!

It's fine for the masses on here to grab everything they can from their highest earning partner however the other way round and women on here are being advised not to marry to avoid such from happening to them!

Marriage clearly isn't for you if you're weary and thinking of such ! You clearly hasn't chosen the right person! Society has lost the plot!

Original poster
wedding12341 · 04/08/2023 11:27

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I what if it were you, as in the first part of the sentence?

OP posts:
Giveover80 · 04/08/2023 11:28

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XelaM · 04/08/2023 11:29

Grumpy101 · 04/08/2023 10:05

Well, I got royally screwed when my first marriage ended. I was by far the higher earner and I would absolutely advise every woman (and man) to be extremely careful if there is a discrepancy in assets or income. Delay marriage until you're 100% sure and older.

I made more money that my exDH because I worked harder. He enjoyed a very lavish lifestyle while together and he didn't deserve a penny from me but that's not how divorce works.

Same situation here. I wouldn't get married as the higher earner

Chickenkeev · 04/08/2023 11:30

greenteaandmarshmallows · 04/08/2023 10:25

You might not always be the higher earner. You might end up in coma or something.

I am this person. Earned more than 2x him. He's now essentially my carer. And doesn't moan about it, despite it being shite for him. IMO, if you're looking at a life partner in terms of a mortgage calculation, you're on a hiding to nothing. Take a good, long, hard look at the person. Do you trust them, will they go the extra mile for you? Money, while so important, is nothing at the end of the day. Partnership is everything and isn't about money (obvs discounting financial abuse. If someone is 'lovely' but gives you nothing, reevaluate how lovely they actually are).

Frankola · 04/08/2023 11:30

I am in the minority. I definitely wouldn't advise AGAINST getting married if that's what both partners want. What I would advise is any woman in the situation take steps to financially protect themselves in case of divorce. I have. I'm married and I'm very happy. It helps knowing I'm protected though.

WWYDIYWMRN · 04/08/2023 11:31

cherry2727 · 04/08/2023 11:27

Mumsnet really isn't a true reflection of real life and seem to be heavily biased towards women!

It's fine for the masses on here to grab everything they can from their highest earning partner however the other way round and women on here are being advised not to marry to avoid such from happening to them!

Marriage clearly isn't for you if you're weary and thinking of such ! You clearly hasn't chosen the right person! Society has lost the plot!

Jesus Christ, you only have to read the threads in here to see how many women think they're with the right person only for him to go and cheat 😵‍💫

After years of being a romantic I'm now a realist

Ohmygiddyauntie · 04/08/2023 11:33

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Go have look-IFS-Parliamentary studies.
It's common knowledge.

CurlewKate · 04/08/2023 11:33

Make proper provision for yourself and your children-yes. In spades.

Marry? No. Never.